a/n: after this i promise there will be no more angst! baha well, there will be significantly less! i hope.

disclaimer: i don't own anything.

To date, between them, Peyton and Rachel have had three slumber parties that ended with a different girl crying and never coming over again; two dissertation crises; one pregnancy scare; one actual pregnancy; two weddings; one marriage; one bachelorette party; four dogs; eight spiders (Rachel had a weird fascination in college that Peyton still has nightmares about); three cars; ninety eight different love affairs, one night stands, boyfriends and of course one husband; thirteen major breakdowns and a shit ton of evenings spent crying at the end of Wall-E.

Peyton couldn't imagine her life without her best friend. She couldn't imagine a day without talking to her, without collapsing on a sofa somewhere and telling her the most random things, fighting about whether they were both eating enough or taking on too many cases, laughing incessantly as Chris once again forgot his code to the attending's lounge and had to wait outside until they were kind enough to let him in.

If anything ever happened to Rachel, if she ever lost her, she's willing to bet she'd fall apart.

But Lucas. He'd covered it all up. He was cocky and he mocked her and yeah he'd done some awesome soul searching with the whole re-bonding thing with Nathan and actually trying to be nice to Rachel but the life he left behind- he never talked about it. Somehow over the months it had almost slipped her mind he'd ever been somewhere else. Somewhere you didn't just see patients die in front of you, you saw colleagues, friends, lovers even, die right there in the sand at your feet.

She's known loss; felt it over the passing of her mother, her father vanishing, patients she's cared for going too soon. She won't compare it to anyone else's experience but honestly, what she said to Lucas all those months ago was true; she didn't have daddy issues anymore, she dealt with them.

She misses her mom, misses the woman who hummed while she brushed her hair and fed her soup when she was sick; but her passing was more than two decades ago and when she thinks of her mother it doesn't burn a hole in her chest anymore. Her heart isn't broken.

But if Rachel… Yeah… She can't imagine it. Won't.

The plan is to live till one hundred and get the bus every day, stretching out and taking up two seats each because they're "elderly" whilst throwing sweets at the back of Nathan's head as he tries to read the paper and pretends not to know the two crazy women cackling behind him; to have dinner parties and promise they won't talk about cases and then break before the starter while Nathan sighs and apologizes to any non-medical fools who dared join them expecting anything less; to sing every Bon Jovi song in the karaoke book and then get started on Aerosmith; to get told to leave the OR by a terrified looking intern because they technically retired five years ago but the Sawyer and Gattina legend is so strong no-one really wants to remind them that they're seventy five and supposed to be knitting for grandkids. The plan is not to go anywhere before that. So far Rachel's kept the unspoken promise not to kick it before Peyton lets her.

But Lucas. Lucas had lost someone. Someone he had loved the way Peyton loved her best friend. The grief in his eyes had surged through unguarded as they stepped onto the floor and the man in the uniform had turned to look at them.

And then the way he had fled, practically setting fire to the elevator to get the hell out of there, she knew just as she would be completely unable to do, he hadn't really accepted his own loss.

She exhaled hard as the elevator doors closed on Lucas's agonized face and then turned to smile awkwardly at the gentleman still frowning after Lucas.

"Hi there," she stepped forward, "Doctor Scott was just paged. I'm Doctor Sawyer," she stuck her hand out, "is there something I can do for you?"

"Pleasure ma'am, Colonel James Fray at your service and thank you kindly but I'm here to see Lucas. When he's ready of course."

She withdrew her hand, "I'm not sure when that'll be."

He met her eyes as if he knew exactly what she really meant, that she had followed exactly what he had really meant and smiled faintly, "you know Lucas well?"

"I-" she hesitated, "I know him as well as he'll let anyone."

The Colonel nodded his head as if she was confirming something for him, "that's Lucas for you."

"So you worked with him? Were you- are you his boss?"

"Lucas was one of my boys yes, our unit was together for eleven years."

"Wow so," she swallowed, "that's a long time to work together." As she said the words she noticed Chris walking across the reception area and she rolled her eyes, yeah ok so maybe she'd feel kinda sad if Chris died too. He didn't have to make her think it or anything, jesus.

Colonel Fray smiled softly, "yes, it was. We've been through a lot together." His eyes went distant and she guessed he was thinking about just how much they'd all been through together.

She swallowed, "when he's free I'll make sure he comes down to talk to you."

"Thank you ma'am, that would be appreciated."

Nodding awkwardly she turned and headed towards the elevator; she imagined Lucas had gone off to hide somewhere and hey she recognized that particular urge but was also well aware that if Rachel had let her bury her head in the sand for years and refuse to face her own issues then she wouldn't be the person she was today.

As if reading her mind Rachel was inside the elevator as the doors pinged open and she looked up and frowned at the massively fond look her best friend was giving her, "what did you do?" She asked suspiciously.

"What?"

"You're looking at me funny," Rachel flicked a hand at her, "it's weirding me out, what did you do that means you need me on your side?"

"Nothing! I just love you is all."

Rachel narrowed her eyes, "are you high?"

"No! Why would I be high? When have you ever seen me high?"

"Hey there's a first time for everything."

Peyton scowled, "fine, you can forget me ever telling you anything nice ever again."

"Oh honey I'm sorry," Rachel's eyes suddenly filled with tears, "you know I love you too, you're my soul twin!"

And suddenly she threw her arms around Peyton's neck, "oof, oh Rach!"

"I don't mean to be horrible I promise, I'll be nice."

"Oh god," Peyton wrinkled up her nose and disentangled herself from the red head, "don't do that, it'd be weird after twenty years."

Rachel snorted and then choked a little, searching her pockets for a tissue, Peyton passed her one wordlessly.

"Thanks," she wiped her eyes, composing herself, "goddamn these pregnancy hormones have got me all over the place." She flicked her gaze to Peyton, "what the hell were you thinking launching an emotional attack on me in the elevator?"

Peyton sighed and shot her a sheepish look, "sorry, it's just- Luke's commander or whatever he is, he's in the lobby."

Rachel exhaled hard, "wow, and Lucas is?"

"MIA."

"Did he see him?"

"Yeah and he freaked out and disappeared and I don't know- it just got me thinking you know, something happened over there that he won't talk about and I just- it must have been bad you know? Even their colonel seems sad. It's like, they must have lost someone, or more than one person and- I can't imagine ever losing you guys."

Her friend's eyes welled up again, "Peyton!"

"I'm sorry!"

"God you should be." Rachel scrubbed her face quickly, "you realise I just wasted about five dollars worth of perfectly good mascara there."

"You don't need it anyway," Peyton said fondly.

Rachel rolled her eyes, "please, I feel like shit, the best I can do is try and convince everybody else I don't look it too." She took a breath, "for what it's worth, these few months here- I think- I think they've really helped him. He used to be so, so angry and all over the place but you- you've helped him the most."

"But I haven't done anything!"

"Um, he and Nathan would still be snarking at each other in corridors if it wasn't for you intervening last month."

"Don't you mean you and Lucas would be snarking and Nathan would just be pouting somewhere?"

"That seems more probable yes, either way sweetie, you did something really good there. I think he would have fallen apart without you."

Peyton could feel her heart pounding suddenly and she shook her head, "I don't know about that-"

"God damn Peyton would you just accept that some people love and need you just as much as you love and need them! I'd probably be in a silver string bikini, drunk off my ass with my face in a plant pot if it wasn't for you!"

"Well that's just not true; you'd never wear a silver bikini or get drunk and go to sleep in a plant pot. We didn't even have plants in our place at college."

Rachel sighed, rolling her eyes, "none the less, you know what I mean."

"Yeah," Peyton nudged her as the elevator stopped on their floor, "right back at you."

"Yeah yeah it's all rainbows and sunshine and we're all happy and gay, ugh someone give me a scalpel before my head explodes with all this bonding we're doing."

As if on cue Brooke appeared looking stressed, her hair sticking up at all angles and her nursing scrubs covered in blood, "Rachel, Peyton, thank god come on- mass casualty- school bus lost control and hit a diner. We've got more than two dozen coming in."

Their smiles snapped away in favour of hair being pulled back and another nurse appeared to take their files away.

"Talk to me," Peyton demanded as she stepped out onto the ambulance bay as an EMT pulled out a stretcher.

"Kaylie Brennan, thirteen, down and unresponsive at the scene, open tib fib-"

"Alright trauma one, get Keller down here and why wasn't I paged about this sooner?"

"It happened about twelve minutes ago!"

"-Lloyd Banks, fourteen, awake with fracture to the right arm, abdominal pain, shock and pulse is thready-"

"Trauma two, I'll follow on, who else is on call?"

"Benton and Scott."

"Page them both, again and again if you need to."

"-couldn't identify at the scene, someone needs to call a time-"

"-Bryan Kanber, twelve, was responsive but we lost him on the way over-"

"Get him in trauma three and where the hell are my interns?"

The next hour was a rush of traumas, blood, cutting and sewing. It was the stuff Peyton thrived on. It wasn't all that often that she ended up in the ER, normally she dealt with patients in cool, clean operating theatres but when there was something big like this, there was nobody better to handle the situation than Peyton with her clear headed thinking and calm instructions.

"She's going into cardiac arrest Doctor Sawyer."

"Did somebody check her ABC's already?"

"Yes Doctor Lively's in there."

"Ok," she finished an intubation and stood up, whipping off her gloves and reaching for another set before pushing through the doors separating the trauma rooms, "what's going on Lively?"

"I can't find a cause."

"Exposure?"

"No nothing."

"IV in?"

"Five minutes ago Doctor Sawyer."

"10 milligrams of morphine, take over compressions Doctor Crawford."

She fixed her eyes on Blake, "think about the history, was there anything indicating why she'd be in cardiac arrest?"

Blake's eyes were wide and panicky and Peyton snapped her fingers, "hey, Doctor Lively, look at me and take a breath. Good. Now what's her blood glucose?"

"Normal, everything's normal Doctor Sawyer."

Rachel burst into the room, pulling on gloves," sorry about that, my last one kept trying to bleed out. Talk to me."

As soon as Peyton turned back to the table Blake slipped from the room and she turned back in surprise, "hey, Doctor Lively! Rach, normal blood glucose, she's had asprin and GTN, oxygen, systolic blood pressure's just over ninety."

"Shockable rhythm?"

Doctor Crawford pulled away, "yeah now, do it now, now!"

There was a pause as they all stepped away from the table while Rachel shocked the patient and for a second there was nothing, "continue your compressions Crawford. Now again, clear."

Peyton held her breath, this kid hadn't even had a chance to start living yet, she hadn't found her calling in life, hadn't forged any bonds, had her heart broken-

"We've got a pulse."

She exhaled hard, "Rach you go this?"

"Uh huh- you go see what's up with goldilocks."

Peyton rolled her eyes, tugging off her gown before nodding at Chase, "you did good."

"Thanks," he said breathlessly, "she gonna live?"

"Should do, Doctor Gattina's the best."

"Yeah I know," he said, gazing after Rachel.

Peyton smirked, "sorry kid, you've got less of a chance with her than you do with just about anybody in the hospital."

"What? No I-"

"Save it for someone who wants to hear all about your teen angst kid," she said grinning and disappearing down the corridor.

She found Blake sitting in the library, staring sightlessly at the book unopened in front of her. For a moment Peyton was sharply reminded of herself, twenty two and dealing with the first time she'd ever been told to give a family bad news. At the time she'd been convinced it would be easy, be something else she could add to her checklist of other tasks she was flying through. Medical school and its trials had come easily to her with her ability to compartmentalize the trauma and the blood and focus on the task at hand, she knew she'd be graduating top three of her year already and yet- the moment she'd walked into that waiting room something had come crumbling down. There had been no words for over twenty seconds. She'd just… completely lost the ability to form a sentence in the face of such obvious grief. Fortunately she'd already been placed under Cabot's watchful eye and her mentor had nudged her gently, making sure Peyton knew she was there but that she wasn't going to be doing the talking for her. Peyton had found her voice in the end and had learnt a powerful lesson in the differences between the clean emotionless lecture theatres and the raw life of an actual hospital.

It appeared Blake was learning a similar lesson.

"They say it's easier to read if you open the book," she said, smiling faintly as she sat down opposite Blake.

The younger blonde huffed out a laugh, lacking much amusement and nodded wordlessly. She didn't move and Peyton sat back, waiting for her to speak, she had time.

Finally Blake dropped her shoulders, "I don't think I'm cut out for this."

Peyton snorted, "everyone thinks that at some point."

"What if I'm right?"

"What if you're wrong?"

They stared at one another across the table and then Blake gave her an inch of a smile, "you don't even like me, why are you bothering?"

"I like you fine," Peyton said shrugging slightly.

"Then-"

"I'm your teacher Doctor Lively, I might not be the one you originally hoped for but I'm the one you've got. And I'm tough; I don't accept anything less than the best and you, you would have been gone from my roster months ago if I didn't think you could handle it."

Blake was quiet again and she picked at the table top in a habit so similar to Peyton's own that her hand itched to still the younger doctors. Finally Blake sighed and said so quietly Peyton would have missed it if they weren't in the quiet hush of the library, "every time something goes wrong I panic. I feel like I'm free falling and that if you or Doctor Keller or whoever weren't there then I'd hit the ground and just… explode."

Peyton grimaced at the mental imagery and Blake pulled an apologetic face, "you know what I mean." She shook her head, "of course you don't- you walk into a room and you fix everything."

Peyton snorted and held up a hand, "I'm gonna stop you right there, listen to me Doctor Lively, nobody's perfect. I'm not perfect, Doctor Gattina isn't and Doctor Keller sure as hell isn't, but we've got experience. I'm not saying I walk into a room and magically make everything better but at the moment we know more than you guys do about how to try. The first time I had to deal with a trauma, a big mass casualty trauma, I thought I was going to drown in it, but I didn't; I just kept moving. This takes time Blake- and it will come."

Her pager went off and she glanced down at it, "you can get some more of that golden experience right now as there are more vans from the scene arriving."

Blake didn't move as Peyton headed for the door and she turned back, "Doctor Lively, that wasn't a request! Move your butt!"

Startled Blake scrambled to her feet, grabbing her coat, "but-"

Peyton held up a hand, "leave it alone, you're done with the pity party and now it's time to prove you can be the doctor I think you can be."

Man, interns and their teenage issues! She was halfway through that thought when she remembered her current situation with one surgeon missing, one surgeon weeping in elevators, doctors proposing in corridors and lawyers trying out motorbikes and she changed her mind.

Maybe they were all kids still.

At seven thirty Peyton pulled off her scrub cap and collapsed on the bench in the locker room next to Rachel.

"Being inspiring is so not as easy as it looks."

Rachel chuckled and took another sip of milkshake, "what, you mean you didn't immediately strike awe and fear into the hearts of your minions just by walking into the room?"

"D'you know that used to be all it took?"

"You've never scared me that way," Chris chipped in from across the room.

Draping an arm over her eyes Peyton scowled, ignoring him, "Blake had some sort of internal crisis and I had no idea what to say to her."

"Try you're fat and stupid and you'll never get anywhere."

"Chris!"

"What?" He shrugged casually as he came to sit next to them, "it always works- makes 'em wanna prove you wrong and then they turn into a fine piece of ass like Gattina here," he gave Rachel a once over, "well- before she got herself knocked up. Ow! Ow!" He fell off the bench as Rachel started thumping him with her free arm, "I was just saying! It was a compliment!"

"Quit breathing my air Keller."

"It was a compliment!" He shrieked as she kicked at his writhing body.

"Girls!" Brooke flew into the room looking flustered, wrinkling up her nose, "Chris why are you on the floor?"

"Rachel was beating me Brooke- it was abuse, abuse I tell you- ahhh ow stop it!"

Rachel shrugged, "he called me fat."

"I did not! I was complimenting your former beauty."

"You're a poor excuse for a human being," Peyton said as she tugged off her scrub top and pulled on the grey dress previously hanging in her locker.

"Hey! I saved like thirteen lives today."

"Regardless."

Chris groaned and rolled away, opening his own locker, "I don't know why I put up with all of you."

"We're your favourites?" Brooke suggested sweetly, "that and none of the other women in the hospital like to talk to you anymore because you leer at them."

"I can't help it if I'm surrounded by beautiful women all day," Chris retorted, pulling on his shirt and fastening his tie. Brooke took over for him and he winced when she squeezed it tightly, "jeez! Damn woman I know you like it rough but-"

"Finish that sentence and I'll set Jakey on you Chris."

"Pshhh that boy loves me," Chris jabbed at his own chest grinning, "best man remember?"

"I still can't believe that; of all the awesome people Jake knows he picks you," Peyton grumbled as they left the locker room together, Rachel tugging at her dress. "Leave it alone you look fine."

"I feel fat."

"You're pregnant, it would be weird if you were super skinny still."

"I hate this dress."

Peyton smiled fondly at her and was about to respond when she spotted Colonel Fray still sitting in the waiting area, "hey uh- I'll catch up with you guys ok?"

Brooke pouted, "this is my bachelorette party P Sawyer- the only time I get to boss you guys around!"

"You boss us around all the time!" Chris protested.

"What? No I don't! I lovingly suggest that you could do things slightly differently!"

Peyton left her friends bickering and smiled apologetically at the Colonel as she came over to him, "I take it Lucas hasn't appeared?"

"Not yet ma'am but I'm a patient man!"

"I had no idea you'd been waiting all day, I'm sorry." She sighed, glancing at the clock above the nurse's desk, "you know I think I might know where he is."

"I don't wish to disturb him while he's working."

Peyton scoffed, "I don't think he's working sir. I'll be right back; with one scruffy surgeon in tow."

The Colonel chuckled, "he's lucky to have a wily one like you keeping an eye on him."

"Oh no I don't-" she stopped herself and shrugged, "I try."

It seemed cliché but she really did know where he'd be and she wasn't surprised to find him sitting with his legs swinging over the roof top and his head hung low.

"We gotta stop meeting like this," she said in amusement as she sat down beside him.

He chuckled mirthlessly, fingers tapping an unknown rhythm on the cigarette box she'd seen so long ago and he'd refused to comment on. She'd had enough of nervous tics for the day however and reached out, stilling his hand but not letting go, "Lucas."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Well this is the only place in the hospital you knew only I would find you so you must want something."

"What? I came up here to get some peace," he said crossly.

"So? Every time I do that you appear, fair's fair Luke."

He shot her an exasperated look, "what do you want Peyton?"

"You know what."

"Nah," he leant backwards, propping himself up on his elbows and squinting at her, "can't say I do."

She sighed, "well there's a nice man in uniform waiting for you in the lobby, he's been waiting all day and I was thinking it was about time you went down there and said hello."

His face darkened, "I don't have anything to say to him."

"Sure you do; hello? How was your flight?"

He shook his head, rolling away from her and standing up, "that's not funny."

"I'm not trying to make a joke of this Luke, I'm trying to get you to go and talk to the man that ran your unit, the man who has known you more than ten years- he knows you better than all of us."

"No he doesn't! He doesn't know anything about me! If he did he would have known that the best thing for me to have done when we were in the middle of that damn sand storm was to let me stay, to let me save JB and do my job. I should have died with him and Fray wouldn't let me! God damn it!"

And then without warning he threw the battered cigarette carton off the roof.

"Lucas-"

"Oh you think because I've come here and I've solved some shit with Nathan and I've fallen in love with a surgeon who bosses me about and I've got friends who aren't guaranteed to get blown up during a conversation that I'm fixed? That I don't think about going back all the time? I think about it every day Peyton. So yeah sure if you want me to go back downstairs and tell my Colonel that sometimes I'm not grateful he dragged me away and that sometimes I think his decisions were wrong then oh yeah I'll go do that."

"Oh shut up!"

He blinked in surprise and she realized she was standing too, her hands balled into fists, "you can't possibly be selfish enough to wish you weren't alive Lucas."

"I-" He stopped and looked away, "no I just- I've rebuilt my life Peyton. I've spent months trying to get over everything but I- I never wanted a civilian life. I never wanted any of it until I met- until I came to this hospital and now Fray's here and he's reminding me of where I should be and it-"

"This is where you should be," she said firmly, taking a step towards him, forcing him to meet her eyes.

"But I can't- it makes me feel guilty as hell! I can't go down there and shake his head and agree that everything I did was right or honorable I just- I left. I ran."

"You made a change; you're allowed to make changes- people do it every day!"

"But we don't! It's one way, the life I chose you live it till you don't anymore. And what right do I have to live a better life when others don't?"

"You do it to honour the people who fought with you. Who wanted a better life for everyone. And I don't think he's here to make you feel guilty Luke- I think he just wants to know how you're doing. And until you see him and speak to him- I think you're always going to be carrying this around with you, and that's not healthy. You wanna be a good brother? A good uncle? Then you have to make sure you're not carrying around ghosts."

He was silent for a second and then he exhaled slowly, shaking his head, "man you know it would be so much easier if you didn't talk sense?"

She laughed, "I don't do it on purpose."

"I know," he said softly, his eyes full of something she didn't want to define- especially after he'd thrown around some big statements in his earlier rant. She wasn't sure if it had been an intense, heat of the moment thing or whether he had really meant it but she didn't think now was the time to push it. Even if she really kind of wanted to.

"Come on," she said quietly, holding out her hand, "you can't hide up here forever."

"Why not? I've got a great view."

He eyed her up and down smirking and she rolled her eyes, "ok now I know you're fine."

"You're telling me," he said grinning.

"God Chris is rubbing off on you."

"You kidding? I was born this way."

She knew what he was doing and she decided to let it slide, shaking her head fondly at him as they made their way down the stairs. His fingers drummed against the bar in the elevator and she took his hand once again, "it's gonna be fine."

"Yeah but-"

"He didn't fly all this way to make you feel bad Lucas, he obviously cares about you."

He sniggered, "don't say that to his face; it'd make things very awkward."

"What guys can't admit they care about each other now?"

"The army honey," he said shooting her a look, "not quite the same thing."

The doors opened before she could respond and he stood rooted to the spot for a moment. She squeezed his hand and then tugged him forward, "come on now soldier boy, walk tall ok?"

He pushed off the wall with a resolute nod and headed out into the lobby. She hung back, watching him stand awkwardly in front of the Colonel for a moment before they shook hands and Fray said something that made Lucas smile, his eyes crinkling up around the corners the way they did when he really smiled. They both moved to sit down in the empty waiting area and she suddenly wished she'd suggested they move somewhere more private as James began opening the package he'd had by his feet all day. Lucas didn't seem fazed by their location however, eyes fixed on whatever was inside and she decided that it wasn't even her place to witness this.

She made her way outside, heading to the back of the building, eyes glued to the ground. She knew Lucas would tell her everything eventually and she knew all of it wouldn't be easy to hear but she'd listen anyway because he would need her too and- oh god she was in love with him too.

It felt like a revelation but she could almost hear Rachel snorting with amusement somewhere saying "yeah and?"

Sighing she bent down to retrieve what she'd gone outside to look for and picked up the battered carton, thank god it had fallen this side of the roof instead of onto the main road or another level of the hospital. She didn't know who it belonged to or what it stood for but she knew it was significant to Lucas and that he'd regret throwing it away like that later.

And because she was apparently in love with him she was doing stupid things like going around hunting for old cigarette cartons.

Slightly dazed she stumbled across the road and into the bar where Brooke was dancing on a nearby table and Bevin, the Bevin Mirskey who organized their entire hospital was waving two bottles of Corona around and singing Hot Stuff at the top of her lungs. Peyton weaved her way through the crowd, smiling tightly at everyone before relaxing her shoulders as she sat down heavily next to Rachel. Her best friend raised an eyebrow at her windswept appearance and then pulled a face at the gross looking litter she dropped on the table.

Peyton rolled her eyes, "yeah I know." She took a sip of her friend's apple juice, "so apparently I'm in love with Lucas."

Rachel snorted, taking her drink back, "yeah and?"