How to Save a Life
They were children. They were simple-minded and naive, and Matthew likes to think that's the reason why he had formed this little view of his future, and why he had blindly believed it. He likes to think that's the reason why he'd thought that it would just be him and Alfred forever.
But he also likes to think that it's not his fault - partly, it is Alfred's.
Ten years ago, he was six and Alfred was seven and they were in the playground, Matthew on the swings, giggling in happiness as Alfred pushed him higher, higher. Alfred had pushed too hard - or Matthew held on too loosely - and the younger found himself falling off and onto the ground.
He can still remember the way the tanbark dug painfully into his skin and Alfred's laughter from behind him, because his brother had thought he was joking.
Matthew sniffled and winced in pain when he tried to move his arm. Alfred overheard the noise and was quickly kneeling by his side, blue eyes worried. "Are you okay?" he asked, turning Matthew over gently.
"It hurts," Matthew whimpered, using his other arm to prop himself up.
"Don't worry, Daddy's got a first aid kit in the car!" Alfred reassured with a bright grin. "But you really should have been more careful, Mattie." It was a nickname he'd come up with, something that Matthew stuck his tongue out and pouted petulantly at.
Matthew pouted his time, afraid to stick his tongue out lest he should taste any dirt. "Or maybe you could have caught me," he mumbled.
He didn't intend for Alfred to hear; his brother somehow did anyway. "Aw, are you really mad at me?" he asked with a sad frown on his face. Matthew was going to tell him, no, he wasn't mad, he could never be mad at his brother, but Alfred continued, "I promise I'll always be there to catch you forever!" His eyebrows were furrowed and he seemed intent on getting Matthew to "forgive" him.
Matthew hadn't been looking for that kind of response, though it made him feel warm inside. So he smiled and said, "Okay."
Alfred honestly tried to keep his promise - Matthew admires him for that. But life has a funny way of throwing you moments where you reconsider yourself: Your friends, your values, your beliefs. Matthew's had too many of those moments and he doesn't know what to believe anymore.
The two of them grew up and Matthew realized for the first time that the there was more to the world than just their house, backyard, and the playground a block away. He entered school a year after Alfred did and immediately decided that it was his least favorite place. There were older, bigger kids - fifth graders who were the oldest students of the school. Matthew couldn't count on two hands how many times they teased him for carrying a stuffed animal to school even though other first graders did it, too. Matthew wasn't sure why they chose to bother only him, but he didn't want to know and just wanted it to stop.
And one day Alfred found out about it. It was Matthew's lunch time, which meant that the third graders were having their recess, and the fifth graders had a free period. It was a nice sunny day, so students were permitted to be outside.
Matthew was eating lunch by himself on a bench a good distance away from the other kids. He saw Alfred playing football and wanted to call him over, but decided that Alfred probably wanted to be with his friends. So he continued eating until two tall shadows loom over him and he found himself a with a faceful of his own lunch.
The two fifth graders were quickly pushed aside and one of them punched by someone. Through his food-obscured vision, Matthew, relieved, saw that it was Alfred. And the third grader was doing a rather good job of threatening the older students.
Eventually, a teacher came and broke the fight. Alfred had a limping gait for the next three days, and Matthew never dared to come near the fifth graders again not for his own sake. For Alfred's.
But the bullying continued. Matthew somehow just attracted the attention of sneers and insults and painful punches but Alfred was always there to catch him when he fell - as promised.
Matthew blamed himself for all the bruises that Alfred would get from warding off his tormentors, even though his brother would brush it off, smile, and say, "I promised, remember?"
Somehow, the last line would make the guilt fall even harder on Matthew.
It continued all the way through middle school: Matthew would get picked on, Alfred would protect him. But he supposed that even heroes had their limits. By the second year of high school, Matthew had grown to be a tall, lanky, and shy teenager that caught the attention of girls, some boys, and the eighth graders. Alfred grew busier as the years passed by and Matthew found himself bracing against the verbal attacks by himself. It made him feel lonely - he had few friends to talk to - but he didn't want to trouble Alfred. Not when he'd already done so much when they were little.
But as Alfred grew busier and his interests changed, so did his attitude. By Matthew's first year in high school, he was getting shoved into lockers, and Alfred was with the football team at practice. By Matthew's second year, he was being made fun of even during class, and Alfred walked past obliviously with his friends.
And presently, his third year, Matthew is getting beat up while Alfred went out on dates.
Matthew doesn't want to blame him, but he's also getting tired of blaming himself and he doesn't have anything else to put the blame on, so he blames the promise.
It led him to believe in a vision of Alfred forever at his side.
Matthew knows that that's a lie. Alfred is too busy to ever spend time with him anymore, and when he's home, he's too busy on the phone. Matthew asks him if he wants to play catch for the sake of feeling like children again, but Alfred is busy cramming for a test he forgot to study for, so Matthew will just swallow disappointed and smile and offer to help him.
He's so distant from his brother now, and he worries that if he doesn't do anything about it, they'll grow so far apart that they would one day become one of those siblings that never speak to each other again. Matthew doesn't want that. He wants Alfred, whose grins never fail to brighten his day, whose words never fail to make him believe that the pain is worth it.
Because they'll someday it'll be just the two of them again, right?
No. No, they won't. But sometimes a few lies can't hurt.
Though the lies are painful and one day Matthew finds himself under his bed sheets despite the fact that it's four in the afternoon. He hugs himself tightly, head bowed, eyes blinking once in a while in the dark haven of under his sheets.
He takes two fingers and grasps the lid of a bottle and-
"Mattie? Are you in here?"
-the door is opened and Alfred's voice floats in and reaches Matthew's ears like a song he'd never tire of listening to.
He pokes his head out from under the covers, indigo eyes bright. "Yeah, Al?" He hopes he doesn't sound too excited.
Alfred hesitates, but his mouth quickly quirks into a grin. He asks, "Wanna play catch?"
"Sure." A grin of his own breaks out on his face. Matthew jumps up from his bed and runs outside to join his brother, laughing for the first time in a while.
Back in his bedroom, a bottle of sleeping pills lies among strewn sheets, forgotten.
A/N: I wanted to write some USCan. The result is this story.
Unedited, so any and all mistakes are my fault. Gosh, I really need to get a beta. And I need to stop sporadically sprouting oneshots. T-T