Man we did it! We actually killed that bastard. I finally avenged my watcher. It felt pretty amazing. There is the rush and adrenaline that a usual slay has but one hundred times stronger. I can't believe it is actually over. B and I totally kicked his ass! She really pulled through for me. She wouldn't let me run away and she helped me face one of my worst nightmares. I really wanted to believe that she cared but I realize now that it's just who she is. She always has to do the right thing.

Before B knew about Kakistos I could tell she was annoyed with having me around. Like I was just another thing that she had to worry about and take care of. That's part of the reason I didn't tell her about my watcher or that I was struggling just to support myself from day to day. I didn't want to give her another reason to resent me. I was pretty sure that if I went to Buffy and told her the situation she would help me. But it would've only been because she felt like she had to. I didn't want her pity and I didn't want to add to everything else she had to worry about. I thought coming here would help her. I thought she would be relieved that she didn't have to fight this fight alone anymore. That she had someone to watch her back and share the responsibility of saving the world. I may have needed her but she never needed me.

I heard B and the gang talking about me here and there. Things like not being stable and words like slut and tramp. I knew that she didn't really trust me or think that she could depend on me. But after we killed Kakistos things just seemed to change. They were looking up a little. We would train and slay together. Sometimes we would even go to the bronze after a crazy night fighting evil so she could meet up with her friends.

I wondered if I was going to get another watcher. Giles seems like a great guy and you can just tell his stuffy ass really cares about B but he is her watcher. He doesn't really have time for me. I used to train with my watcher for hours daily but Giles hasn't really talked to me at all. The only time I train is with Buffy about once or twice a week for a couple of hours while he critiques us. I know B trains almost everyday after school. I think they have me train with her so she has someone comparable to her strength so she will be on top of her game. I try to study up on all the demons I might face just like my watcher taught me. I'd come to the school library and sit up in the stacks while everyone else was in class. Giles never even noticed. School was never my thing and it's not like I am going to live long enough for it to be necessary but I am not stupid. I was actually pretty good in school before I dropped out and I would help my watcher research the evil we might be up against.

Looking back I think my biggest mistake was trying to have more then I was meant to. I never was meant to have everything. I am a slayer..and that is all. That was enough. But then I come to Sunnydale and see how it can be for some and I wanted that, I wanted it all.

That Post bitch sure didn't help any. Sure she played me but she also showed me how out of the loop I really was. I just wanted to be someones world. Buffy was the world to so many around her. People who would risk their lives for her...people who loved her. I just wanted to be part of that. And I thought I could be. I mean these people have werewolves and vampires working with them! Who are included and more a part of the group then I ever was. I never really understood that...here are these monster that are not even human, not even really alive that we are meant to destroy and they are in love and even having sex with them. And they turn up their noses at my sexual conquests? Hypocrites! But for some reason I just couldn't be a part of their group. I guess that just gives credence that there really is nothing good or worthwhile in me. These monsters were worth more then me. That hurt and I didn't want to accept that. How could that be? Why can't anything ever make sense?

And then everything really fell a part. I fucked up. I killed someone.

After that I just shut down. I couldn't deal and didn't wanted to accept that I was a murderer. Sure it was an accident but that doesn't make it okay there is still a dead body and blood on my hands. The fact is B and I killed someone but I knew when she looked at me I was the monster. I was the one that actually stabbed him. It was all going to fall on my shoulders. I could never just close my eyes and curl up in a ball and hide or cry. Not even as a kid (it's not like hiding would have done any good...they always find you...whatever it is you were hiding from). So I tried to make it better. I tired to protect us. I went back to that alley and got rid of the body.

I can't really explain what the hell happened next. All I know was that I was drowning and no one was there to save me. For as long as I could remember I have had nightmares that I was being attacked or I was in trouble in front of groups of people and no matter how much I screamed or begged or cried no one ever heard me. I was dieing in front of them and no one even cared to see. Except now I couldn't wake up. God I was so scared! I panicked, what was I supposed to do? I couldn't breath or think. My mind wouldn't slow down. I didn't understand what was happening!

And then B comes throwing it in my face. I couldn't hear it...couldn't accept that I fucked up that bad. That I was a failure. Why couldn't she just shut up? How could she believe that I didn't care? Couldn't she see that I was losing it? I couldn't tell her how I felt or how sorry or scared I was because that's a weakness and if you show weakness people are just going to use it against you.