Other then Angel killing me (I get that it wasn't my time, I didn't pay for my crimes yet), prison was one of the best things that ever could have happened to me. It pulled me away from a bad situation that was only getting worse and gave me a chance to stop and to deal with everything that was happening. It was the first time (other then the few months with my watcher) that I have had any kind of stability in my life. The first time that I was guaranteed a meal and a bed everyday. It was such a relief not having to worry about how I would be getting my next meal or how I was going to pay for another night in that motel room. It's also the first time I have had someone to listen to me and try and help guide me through how I am feeling and help me understand how things went wrong. I know the prison shrink doesn't care, it's her job, and I fought against talking to her in the beginning. But it has helped me step back and really see and deal with the situation. Sure I can't tell her about all the supernatural shit which makes me cautious when talking to her but it's great getting unbiased feedback on the situation.
I think the shrinks had a field day with me! Angel with the help of Wesley gave them some background on me and my past. They knew I wasn't going to open up easily and with my past they had their work cut out for them. The first day the Doc talked to me she diagnosed me with PTSD. Doc said it was so obvious she couldn't believe anyone that spent any kind of time with me couldn't tell. I thought it was a bunch of bullshit and I didn't need another excuse to not take responsibility for what I did. At least until they explained what PTSD really is and what could cause it. The doc gave me reading material on it between our daily sessions so I could have an understanding of what's going on. It reads stuff like "you can develop post traumatic stress disorder when you experience or witness an event that causes intense fear, helplessness or horror." That could be so many situations in my life from the rapes and abuse as a kid to my watchers death and the murder of Allen Finch. And the symptoms? I guess I really am a textbook case. Still doesn't excuse what I did and I should have been stronger. The doc said sometimes the experiences are just too intense and traumatic for a person to deal with on their own and they should seek help from a health care professional or tell a loved one so they could help you get the help you need. Ha...easier said then done.
Whatever it still doesn't change anything. I still choose to be a murderer. Fine maybe Finch was an accident ( how killing someone is an accident is beyond me...it's more like I was careless and not good enough) but what about the courier or the professor. Sure the PTSD and the lack of a support system may have been a factor but I am a slayer, I should be stronger then that. We were made to be alone and fight and die alone. There is just this badness in me. I believe that the Powers That Be fucked up when they called me. Or maybe I was called as a stepping stone for Buffy. Think about it...higher ups are always giving subordinates challenges. Maybe I was a test for Buffy. Like her having to kill Angel in order to save the world. It was a test to see if she was strong enough to do the right thing. I said I was smart and reading was always a big part of that. I tried finding answers just like everyone else and I've read the Bible. If God can harden Pharaoh heart to Moses' request to let his people go why couldn't the higher up in charge of us slayers activate me as another test for her. And I am not trying to find excuses, I know I am a fuck up, I'm just trying to explain maybe the higher power meant to call me because they knew I would fail. I mean they don't make mistakes right? Whatever I don't know what the fuck I am saying and it's not like it matters. Thinking about shit like this just pisses me off and stresses me out.
Prison was were I belonged and crazily enough it was also were I felt safe. But I am a slayer and when Angel needed help I couldn't turn my back. It was time to "be all that I could be". To make the few people that have cared about me or tried to help (Angel, the mayor and my watcher) proud of me. When I was first called I finally had a purpose and I wanted to be the best slayer ever. It's to late for that now but it's not to late to do some good or save one more life before I die.