Oh Baby!
By Water Fairy a.k.a. Mizu
Disclaimer: I do not own Powerpuff Girls.
Summary: "If I ever tell you I want kids, shoot me." Greens
Trivia: The experience with babies Buttercup talks about is from the episode "That's Not My Baby!"
Edit: Fixed some grammatical mistakes and errors. Also, props to MilitaryBratUSA for noticing that Brick had no mention or appearance whatsoever in this story. XD I hadn't even noticed myself that he didn't make an appearance or had a mention.
EDIT (5/29/2020): Decided to give this the Storm treatment and update it! ...nine years later, oh gosh. Also, managed to squeak a little Brick mention in at the end, so he's no longer unmentioned lmao
There weren't many things in life that could make Buttercup speechless. One such thing was when Blossom cursed. Another was the actions of a certain green-eyed, raven-haired boy. There weren't many more. She was naturally silver-tongued and sharp-witted. So when someone actually caused her to be speechless, it was quite the event, usually something apocalyptic.
And that's exactly what had happened.
"W-What did you say?" Buttercup stuttered, blinking rapidly at her unimpressed health teacher.
Mr. McBennett sighed, rubbing his forehead. "I said with the way you're going right now, you're going to fail my class."
In all honesty, she didn't give a crap about school. If she failed, she failed. That was how she was. She got pretty decent grades usually anyway. Nothing that could hold a candle to Blossom's straight A, honor roll grades, but at least better than Bubbles.
However, there was a time when she could not fail. Now was such a time. If she managed to get better grades for a whole year, the Professor would get her a car. (Well, her and Blossom a car to share, but a car, nonetheless.) Flying was great, but cars had space to hold items. And carpooling. Especially to gigs. (She and Boomer vowed never again to cart around Lloyd's drums. That had been hell.)
"B-But I can't fail!" she argued, slamming her fists onto his desk. It gave a loud groan in protest, but thankfully didn't snap. "There's got to be something I can do!"
"And that's why I asked you here after class," her teacher said, leaning back in his seat. "Now, if the other student I asked could get here, maybe I could be—"
"What up, McB?"
Eye twitching, Buttercup stared dead into her health teacher's eyes. "You are kidding me."
Perfectly nonchalant, though she was certain he was shaking in his neon orange and indigo track pants, Mr. McBennett just laced his fingers together and leaned forward. He raised an eyebrow at the green puff and his lips quirked up into a smirk.
"Thanks for joining us, Butch."
A sinister grin formed on said Rowdyruff's face. "Don't tell me that you're failing too, Butterfingers."
"I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you're failing," she snarled, unconsciously slipping into a fighting stance.
Butch did as well, dropping his bag onto the ground in the process.
Jumping to his feet, Mr. McBennett slammed down a box on his desk. He glared at the two of them.
"Now, none of that!" he snapped, frowning. "We're here to save your grades, not to fight!"
Sending a last glare at her counterpart, Buttercup reluctantly relaxed her fighting stance. She crossed her arms and leered at the teacher. It wasn't her fault that she had an issue with her inner "monster". Her new ability didn't exactly help it either and while playing Cat and Mouse with Blossom was good, a nice, bloody fight with Butch was way better.
Of course, pissing off Blossom until she exploded was just as good too, but Buttercup learned not to do that too often. She hadn't had a hot shower for a month after that. Buttercup learned that posting online that your sister is a closet paranormal romance fan was not a good idea if one wanted a nice, hot shower in the morning. It wasn't as if she had announced that Blossom was a Twitard, which thankfully she wasn't; that was Bubbles.
"Okay, fine. Now how the fuck can I raise my grade?" Buttercup snapped as Butch leaned casually against a desk.
Glaring at her for her language, Mr. McBennett just opened the box and, taking out whatever was inside, held it out to the green puff. Said teenager just stared blankly at the thing in his hands. It looked an awfully lot like…
"…why the fuck are you handing me a baby doll?" she asked, staring at the infernal thing as if it was about to attack her. She leaned backwards the longer he held it out to her. "…I'm not touching it."
"You have to," Mr. McBennett responded, walking around the desk and thrusting the baby doll into her arms. "This is your assignment. Both of you have to be the parents of this baby doll for the weekend."
She shared a wide-eyed look with her counterpart before both whipped back to their teacher.
"W-What?" Butch managed to spit out, gaping.
"What the hell!" Buttercup sputtered.
"It's only for the weekend," Mr. McBennett explained. "Take care of this electronic doll for the whole weekend. It acts like a real baby." He pressed a button on the back and it immediately started wailing. Rising his voice above the electronic wailing, he continued, "Give it back Monday with a one page essay on the trials of parenting. This should be an easy A."
"Easy!?" Butch shouted, covering his ears. "ARGH! Butters, shut it the fuck up!"
This was definitely one of those moments that left Buttercup speechless.
This had to be the first time Buttercup flew home with Butch. After successfully shutting up the infernal device that was a so-called "Easy A", Mr. McBennett had shooed them from his classroom.
And now they were flying home.
Together.
She groaned. She could just see Bubbles' face; big blue eyes wide, a huge smile on her pretty face, and her mind instantly jumping to a conclusion that had her nearly gagging. Her bubbly sister was going to think that they were together-together. Resisting the urge to slap herself, the raven-haired girl glanced over to her counterpart.
"…you're holding the baby wrong," she remarked, raising an eyebrow. "Just saying."
Glaring at her, Butch just fixed his grip so that instead of holding the baby by its leg, he was holding it like a football.
Raising both eyebrows now, Buttercup snorted and continued to her house. She still couldn't believe she was doing this with Butch of all people. She still couldn't believe she was going to be playing house with Butch. Clenching her fists and her jaw, she scowled angrily. This was not happening. This could not be happening. What had she done to deserve this? Nothing! Nothing but be a damned superhero for most of her damned life and this was the thanks she got?
Playing house with her ex-con counterpart?
The irritation building inside her finally exploded out as she shrieked angrily, her voice almost reaching sonic scream level.
"HOLY FUCK I'M FLYING THREE FEET FROM YOU, YOU CRAZY BITCH!" Butch shouted at her, twisting a knuckle in his ear from pain. "Holy shit. I think I've gone deaf!"
"Quit being a baby, asswad!" Buttercup snapped, glaring at him.
He snarled back at her.
They continued throwing insults at each other until, halfway to her house, she realized something.
She had stopped flying and was glaring furiously at Butch when she noticed something. Or rather, when she noticed the lack of something. She continued glaring at him, trying to figure it out, until it finally hit her. Heart sinking to her stomach, her eyes widened as she stared at her personal devil.
"Where's the baby?" she asked in a hushed voice, catching him off guard.
"What? The baby's right—shit."
He looked down at his empty arms uncomprehendingly.
Buttercup felt her eye begin twitching. Her car, her beautiful, beautiful car, she could see it slipping through her fingers.
"You lost the baby!?" she screeched, restraining herself from lunging at him. "Christ, Butch! We didn't even have it an hour!"
She streaked out then, Butch easily keeping up with her. The two raven-haired superhumans sped towards the school, eyes scanning the ground below them.
Buttercup couldn't believe that Butch had lost the baby already. How the hell does one not notice a life-sized baby doll falling from one's grip? Like, she got that they had superpowers, but he played fucking football! He should notice when shit fell through his damn fingers! And he had the nerve to call her butterfingers!? Her grade was not going survive if they didn't find that fucking doll.
She searched fruitlessly, scanning the trees and houses with her supervision and X-Ray vision, but she couldn't see dick. Her breathing sped up and her hands shook. You'd think she had lost her actual child and that, when she would look back later, made Buttercup frown in contemplation.
"Found it!" Butch called and a moment later, the green ruff was floating in front of her, holding a sap-covered, but intact, doll.
Buttercup felt tears well in her eyes.
"My caaaaaar," she sang, taking the doll from her counterpart.
"Car?" he echoed, but she paid him no attention and was instead cradling the doll affectionately.
She didn't care if she looked like Blossom or Bubbles in that moment, rocking the damn doll like it was a real baby. All she cared about was that it was intact, sticky but intact, and that meant she would get her well-deserved grade and car. Her lips curled up before heat flooded her cheeks when she realized that she wasn't alone.
Butch was frowning, brushing pine needles off his shirt and looking confused as all hell. He even cocked his head to the side in that doggish way that those Rowdyruffs were so good at.
She scowled at him and lifted her arms with the doll. She would ignore her hot cheeks in favor of glaring him down for risking their shared grade.
"This is how you hold a baby, dipshit," she told him.
The confused look immediately disappeared with a roll of his eyes.
Butch crossed his arm and raised an eyebrow. "Whatever, dear. Let's just get the fucking thing to your house."
Eyes narrowed, Buttercup smiled wickedly at him. "Of course, darling."
They continued bantering all the way to the Utonium household, where they continued even after entering the house. They were completely oblivious to what was around them so much so that she didn't notice when she walked into a chest.
Jumping back, she was greeted by yet another Rowdyruff.
"What are you doing here, pretty boy?" she asked roughly, her shock translating as annoyance.
Boomer raised an eyebrow in response.
"Bubbles invited me?" he responded, blue eyes going from the puff in front of him to his brother. "…Butch, why are you here?"
"Extra credit project," the green ruff said gruffly, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "We have to play house."
Before Boomer could respond, his bubbly counterpart bounced over to Buttercup, engulfing her in a hug. Buttercup stiffened immediately.
"Hi, Buttercup!" she sang, before pulling back and looking at her sister with sparkling blue eyes. "Soooooo—"
"School project, blondie," Buttercup said, cutting her off. She held up the baby doll by the arm. "See?"
"You're holding the baby wrong," Butch said from behind her and the green puff whirled around with a glare. He shrugged in response, smirking sardonically at her. "Just saying."
She decided not to respond to that, no matter how much she was tempted to punch his face in. Taking deep breaths, she recited mantras in her mind as she made her way over to the couch. Throwing her backpack down, she slumped into the sofa, the baby doll thumping down next to her.
Instantly, the doll began wailing, scaring the living daylights out of her. It was almost as if the infernal device realized she was about to relax.
"How do I shut it up?!" she shouted above the racket, hands pressed to her ears.
In response both Boomer's and Butch's hands lit up with their respective colors. They both aimed at the doll, but Bubbles jumped in front of them, waving her arms.
"Stop, stop!" she cried and, hands going back over her ears, she turned to Buttercup. "Did you feed it!?"
"Feed it? It's an automaton!" she shouted back, digging through her bag. "WAIT! Here!" She pulled out a plastic bottle and, shoving it in the doll's mouth, was greeted with sweet, sweet silence. "Oh thank God."
"What is that thing!?" Boomer asked, rubbing his ears. "Are you sure that thing was programmed to be a baby?"
In response to this, Buttercup snorted. "Trust me, babies can be that loud."
Bubbles nodded in agreement. She knew exactly what she was remembering. Buttercup could swear on that.
Babies were cute, but as far as Buttercup was concerned, they were demonic harbingers of sleepless nights, back pain (as Blossom had found out), and random panic attacks when the stupid thing actually was quiet. Thank God, that monster-mom had taken the kid away. There was no way she and her sisters would have been able to survive it for more than one night. Hell, there was no way Buttercup was going to survive a whole weekend with a toy version!
Eyes widening, she grinned maliciously. No, she wasn't in this alone. She had a partner, didn't she? She sat up and turned, only to freeze.
Butch was nowhere to be seen.
Boomer awkwardly shifted by the door and, swallowing, smiled shakily at Buttercup.
Her eye began twitching.
"Butch said you get the first night," he reported, shrinking when she narrowed her glowing eyes at him.
Gritting her teeth, she slammed her fist into the couch cushion.
The bottle fell out of the doll's mouth and it began wailing again.
"THAT ASSHOLE!"
It was three in the morning and Buttercup was changing a fake diaper full of nonexistent feces. The stupid doll was wailing its electronic lungs off and it was taking everything to keep herself from blasting the fucking thing into a million teeny-tiny, itty-bitty, microscopic pieces. How the fuck people did this with real kids was a mystery that she never wanted to find out.
She glared angrily at the newly "changed" diaper and, now thankfully silent, placed the doll into the doll cradle she and her sisters had rescued from basement storage. She didn't really remember whose it had been, probably Bubbles, but she was so glad that they hadn't thrown it away. Otherwise, it would be the newspaper again.
Tucking the demonic thing in, she slumped over to the closest bed and fell down next Bubbles.
"I'm going to castrate Butch the next time I see him," she grumbled into her baby sister's pillow as she patted her back comfortingly.
"I'll hold him down," Blossom said darkly from her bed.
The redhead still had her pillow wrapped around her head, despite the baby being asleep, and her eyes screwed shut tightly. Buttercup didn't blame her and face-planted back into the pillow.
"If I ever tell you I want kids, shoot me," she groaned, not lifting her head from the pillow.
Bubbles just laughed lightly at them, snuggling up to Buttercup and falling asleep.
Buttercup decided that this was one of the stupidest things she had ever done.
Everything had been pretty good when she woke up Saturday morning. The doll hadn't started screeching like a banshee and had actually been pretty cute. The Professor had somehow produced a baby carrier. It was currently strapped to her chest, seeing as her sisters and her father had refused to babysit.
Isn't that what parents did? Call up people to babysit as they went out and did whatever the hell they wanted?
Despite having a baby strapped to her chest, her day had been pretty good. Sure, she had gotten some weird looks when she had shown up at band practice with the doll, but it really had been pretty good.
Until she got the call about a monster rampaging in downtown Townsville.
It wasn't exactly her fault that she had forgotten that she had a baby doll strapped to her chest. With her strength, it was like she was wearing a light vest, albeit an uncomfortable vest but a vest nonetheless. She was more focused on getting to the monster before her sisters defeated it. Monsters were the next best thing to keeping her own "monster" at bay.
At band practice, she had stolen Boomer's phone and called Butch maybe ten times leaving him increasingly angry messages to come take the stupid baby off her hands. His lack of response only added to her need to let off some steam, leading to her speeding to downtown in a virtual bloodthirsty haze.
The monster was only maybe thirty stories high and the typical reptilian biped. It was stomping around, waving its beefy arms angrily. This told Buttercup that the monster had no type of breath power, but it also had a long, whip-like tail that was doing massive damage in of itself.
A hungry grin formed on her face as she neared the beast. This was going to be fun for her. It was small-ish, but it was tough, just how she liked them. Without waiting for her sisters, she lunged at the monster and delivered a sharp punch to it forehead.
Screeching loudly, the monster swatted at her. She nimbly dodged it, readying for a fist-beam.
However, three other beams, two of which were blue and one dark green hit the monster, interrupted her and she froze in midair. The blue beams hit its face while the green knocked away the monster's tail that she hadn't realized was about to hit her.
"What did I say about running in without a plan?" Blossom said from behind her as the redhead floated down. She frowned, eyes dropping to her chest. "You brou—?"
"Look out!" Boomer cried as the monster swung its arm.
In that moment, Buttercup realized just how stupid she was for wearing that stupid baby carrier. She hadn't even realized she still was until she took the swat to the chest and Bubbles screamed, not her name, but: "THE BABY!"
Buttercup slammed into the side of a building, wincing as something sharp poked her chest. Peeling herself from the crater, she looked down at her chest and suddenly remembered what Bubbles had shouted.
The baby
The baby
It was practically in pieces now, the head lulling off at an odd angle. Its right arm fell off, plummeting to the ground below. Pieces crunched as she shifted, sparks flying from exposed circuitry. Bits continued to fall. A garbled wail sounded before it died like a robot powering down.
Buttercup felt her mouth open in horror.
"MY CAR!" she screeched and bulleted towards the beast, the mangled remains of the doll still attached to her chest.
With a series of punches to the creature's chest, which garnered a wheezy croak, she shot up and gave it a sharp uppercut to the jaw. The monster stumbled back, but she wasn't letting it get far. Rage fueled her as she punched its stomach.
A fiery green aura flickered about her as she attacked, vaguely aware of any help from the four other super-powered teens with her. She was so angry. Angry at herself, angry at this monster, angry at Butch. Her anger burned with the aura around her, burned through her veins and erupted into beams of energy slamming into the monster's hide.
It shrieked.
How could she forget a baby strapped to her chest? Why did monsters need to attack Townsville? Why couldn't Butch stop being a stupid jerk for five minutes and actually take the baby? And why did stupid Mr. McBennett have to assign this stupid ass assignment to her and Butch anyway!? He should know that two super-powered teens wouldn't be able to take care of a baby with the life they had!
Screaming in rage, she swung madly at the monster, causing it to double over. It swung its tail at her, but she caught it with ease. She then spun around the monster, tying it with its own tail. It wobbled, but even her own dizziness couldn't subdue her rage.
Panting from anger and the exertion, she readied herself for the finishing attack.
She never got the chance to as someone grabbed her from behind and her sisters' and Boomer's streaks flew towards the monster. Her eyes widened and she struggled.
No! It was her fight! Her kill! Hers! Hershershershershers!
Struggling furiously against whoever was holding her, she swung her leg back and knocked painfully with a shin. With a sharp intake of breath and a profanity, the person holding her curled up around her, their hands squeezing her wrists so tight it actually hurt.
"That hurt," Butch hissed into her ear and Buttercup stiffened. "You brought the baby to a monster battle?"
"HEY! You didn't answer when I called for you to take the stupid thing!" she argued, wiggling in his grasp. "And-and now…" She slumped in his grasp and sighed sadly. "Man, there goes my car…"
"…and there you go again with the car. What car?" he asked, placing his chin on top of her head.
She wiggled again to dislodge him, but Butch didn't move. Huffing in irritation, she leaned back into his chest unconsciously as she explained to him what the Professor had promised her.
He was quiet through her whole explanation and he had shifted his grip from her wrists to her waist without her notice sometime during it. It was actually kind of nice, warm even, and her cheeks burned. Despite being disturbingly okay with his embrace, she was now more than determined to put space between them.
Struggling to free herself from her counterpart's grip, said ruff suddenly spoke up.
"…we're so going to fail," he remarked, his voice sounding highly amused.
Mr. McBennett walked into his office Monday morning with a large cup of coffee and the newspaper. He shuffled past his fellow health teachers and coaches and sat at his desk. Taking a sip of coffee, he let his eyes trail over the mangled mass in front of him. He blinked languidly before frowning deeply and blinking again. He sighed through his nose, halfway amused, halfway resigned.
He should have known.
Poking it cautiously, he nearly missed the note attached to it.
Sorry.
-Buttercup Utonium and Butch Jojo
And, right next to it, were two three-page essays.
Raising an eyebrow, despite the hollow feeling in his chest, he picked up the first report and flipped through it. It was surprisingly well written and he briefly wondered if Buttercup had gotten Blossom to help. Despite his suspicions, he was impressed that she had done a three-page essay to compensate for destroying the doll. (He would have been even more impressed if the essay had been longer, but seeing as it was Buttercup…)
Picking up the next essay, Mr. McBennett read over that one with a surprised expression. He hadn't expected Butch to actually do the assignment, but he supposed Brick was a forceful boy and wouldn't let his brother get away with such grades. Still, he was impressed
As he read the essay and sipped his coffee, he couldn't help smiling.
Both of them would be getting C's, if only because of the remark both had written at the end of their essays.
"This project proved that my parenting skills suck beyond mentioning. …I blame you for making me want to be a parent to prove that I can be a good parent."
It was even more amusing that both had the same remark verbatim.
Mr. McBennett chuckled to himself, shaking his head. And people wondered why he was called "Mr. Cupid".
…I'm on a oneshot rampage! D: I totally blame megmeg999 for this. And pokemon. That too. I have no idea where the ending came from. So…yeah…
Edit: In response to all those "What does pokemon have to do with this" questions...me and megmeg999 were playing the versus battle on Pokemon: XD and I had a Kangaskhan and...something else. Anyway, my Kangaskhan attacked and its baby fell out and megmeg remarked that Butch would so drop his kid and then this story evolved from that. So...that's why I blame pokemon.
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