Chapter 4: Uncertainty

'You are WHAT?' Suoh raised his voice disbelievingly.

'I-' Nokoru found it was very hard for him to say his answer, since he could feel the rage that coming from the golden eyes glaring at him at the moment. 'I am getting MARRIED.'

Suoh stood up in a sudden and moved himself away. It was obvious he looked stressed now. 'I can't believe this. I can't believe what you've just said! I can't believe you're doing this to ME!' Anger.

Poor Nokoru stayed on his seat trembling greatly. Truthfully, he too didn't understand why he had to tell Suoh about this matter in the first place. But somehow… somehow, he wanted to say it. He wanted to know how Suoh's reaction would be. Suoh had to be very angry to him now. Definitely. Deep in his heart, he also wondered whether he did this on purpose… he was just getting sick of everything, and Idomu's promise to take him away forever was so attempting. Idomu was the only person that promised to free him… free him from the hell he created himself. He knew very well he was acting so selfish. He knew very well he was going to hurt Suoh deeply. But perhaps, it would be better for both of them. Suoh didn't need him. He didn't need him to make his life more miserable. Suoh didn't need to take care of him anymore. If he got married with Idomu, Suoh… Suoh would be free… free from him. Suoh might be able to return to his old love – Nagisa. He could have a normal life. Unlike his life. Suoh didn't have to have him as his 'One' anymore. He could do anything he wanted in his life with someone who loved him dearly. Someone who could give him a happily ever after ending. And Nokoru knew very well that 'someone' was definitely NOT him. So, even though it was going to be hurt for both of them, he would take the chance. Eventually, it would the best way for him and… his dear SUOH.

Having the thought swirling inside his mind, Nokoru took a deep breath and prepared his courage to face what would happen soon. He could sight the person he loved the most stood in front of him, and there was nothing could break his heart more than having to see Suoh feel so stressful and… lonely. He really wanted so much to get up and came to him, but he couldn't. He was too scared to do that. The only thing he wanted to do now was to get up and run to his bedroom, a place where he could hide safe and sound. But to be able to do that, he had to survive from Suoh's rage.

After some time they spent in a terrible silence, Suoh managed to take control of himself and glared back to Nokoru. 'Fine. If it is your decision. Just tell me, why do you want to marry him?'

Nokoru didn't answer him. Instead, he stood up and moved towards the stairs to his bedroom. He really didn't want to tell Suoh why. Because he also was not sure why. By now, it seemed that it was the only thing he could do… the only thing he had to do. For the sake of both of them. He was just tired. Tired of everything. Tired of his own life as well. He was about to leave Suoh behind and climb the stairs before Suoh's strong grip forced him to stop.

'Where are you going? Don't you know I'm asking you? Can't you hear me?' He repeated himself impatiently.

Nokoru could feel the pain on his arm because of Suoh's grasp, but he tried his best to bear it. He really wanted to hear the answer, didn't he? Halfheartedly, he looked back at the persistent golden eyes that had been searching for an answer since then. Nokoru had forgotten how he used to love to stare at those eyes. The strong eyes that made him fall in love in the first sight. It was unfair actually. The world had been unfair to him. The moment he fell in love, the person he fell in love with left him for someone else. When he had succeeded to convince himself that he had given up loving him, that person returned to him. And now… again, he had to let him go…. Life was playing a joke on him.

'Nokoru! Answer me!'

Nokoru could hear Suoh's demanding voice. He took a deep breath and sighed. 'Why do you need to know? It won't change anything.'

Suoh shook his head hard. 'NO. I need to know why you choose HIM instead of ME.'

Nokoru was a loss of words.

'Is he much better than I am? What has he done for you? Has he done so much more than I have? Where was he when you needed someone the most?'

Nokoru was still silent.

'Wake up, Nokoru! Can you see it? He was not there! He never was! He-'

'And neither did you, Suoh…' Nokoru answered almost like a whisper. But, it was still crystal clear in Suoh's ears. Suoh disbelieved what he just heard.

'What? Is that what you think of me? After all this time?' Suoh felt he was about to lose his temper very soon. He pulled Nokoru roughly to get him closer and hold both of his arms even tighter than before. Nokoru winched feeling the intense pain growing on both of his arm. But it was the least he feared of. He was really terrified that Suoh would hurt him even more. 'Don't tell me after all that I've done for you, NOTHING that mattered to you! NOTHING!'

Suoh really lost his temper and his mind. He was really hopeless to make Nokoru understand how he really felt about him. Now, at this moment, he only wanted to make Nokoru understand… understand how deep his love for him. But it seemed impossible. Something somehow had successfully blocked the blonde's eyes and mind to see his true love towards him.

'Suoh….' Nokoru plead as his body trembled harder. 'Please let me go. I'm really tired. I need to have a rest. Can we talk about this tomorrow?'

Suoh was muted. He was still holding Nokoru's arm tightly as if he never intended to let it go no matter what. It was just hard for him to be able to understand the whole scenes. He didn't understand what went so wrong in their relationship from the moment Nokoru confessed his fear towards him. But if truth to be told, he was scared to admit that Nokoru thought that he was a dangerous threat to him, and it made him take the decision to leave and marry other guy. If it was possible, he wanted to shake Nokoru so hard and snap him to make him realize the foolishness he had now. How could this be happening?

Feeling distressed and tired at the same time, slowly he released his grasp. Suoh sighed and took a couple of footsteps away from Nokoru and said, 'Fine. Go get your rest. I won't bother you anymore tonight.'

Nokoru nodded weakly. 'Thank you. I appreciate it.' He was about to continue climbing the stairs to the second level when suddenly Suoh called him again.

'Nokoru?'

He stopped. 'Yes?'

'Have you made your mind about this?'

There was a distance pause before Suoh could get the answer.

'I don't know. Suoh. I really don't know.'

'Then…' Suoh carefully picked his words. 'Do you really want this? The marriage with him, I mean…'

Another long pause.

The blonde sighed. 'Perhaps… Yes.'

The answer was short, but it was enough to hurt Suoh's feeling.

'Fine then. I understand. I promise I won't stand in your way. If it makes you happy by marrying him, I… I don't mind. I'm sorry to bother. Good night, then.'

Suoh bowed down and turned himself around. He took his coat from the closet and opened the door, trying to flee from the place as soon as possible. Even though Nokoru didn't see him getting out, he could hear the door closed behind him and sense Suoh's absence from the mansion.

Nokoru could feel the tears he had been trying to hold had finally made their way down from the corner of his eyes.

Tomorrow would be a new beginning for them. But little did he know that the journey would be a lot more painful for him and all the ones he loved.

Life has many surprises.

To be continued –

Author's Note:

Yup. The roller coaster is starting and it's gonna be a bumpy ride. Hold on everybody. Got the plot ready on my scribble papers. But it's not that easy in the process, especially adding the detail. Please read & review to support my writing mood. T_T… Thank you!