CHAPTER TWELVE

The next thing I know, I was at Surrey and there was Ron and Hermione peering with concern at me. For a moment there I thought I just had a nightmare like the time the Dementors came on board the Hogwart's Express. Then Dr. John appeared and told me, "Hey, are you alright? Hermione and I were so worried about you."

Great! Just the person I wanted to see. I struggle to sit up and it feels worse than being put under the Cruciatus curse but there's something to be said for having my rival hover over me. Like I've already lost. It's crazy and irrational I know but I hate it that he seems like he's lording it over me. So I push myself up from the couch and quite ungraciously barked out, "I'm fine! Can't everyone just back off a bit because it's getting really annoying"

At that point I sway on my feet and caught a quick glance of Hermione who was seething. If not for the fact that I was clearly not well, she would have probably marched me off for my atrocious behavior and gotten a sharp telling that would have left me sleepless for nights to come. I should know because it has happened before. Surprisingly it was Ron, the socially-inept, who made the wise decision of calling Hermione's attention and inviting the two of them for some tea with Luna while he stayed with me. Hermione, the angry energy waves emanating from her, whipped around and sweetly called John to join her. Exhausted, I sat down and held my head in my hands.

"So mate, you willing to tell me what's been going on?"

My answer is muffled but it sounds awfully clear in the now empty room, "I'm just tired that's all Ron."

Undeterred by my evasiveness, Ron patiently continues, "So going to Kenya. This undercurrent of animosity that I've noticed you have towards John. This does not have anything to do with Hermione, does it?"

My head shoots up and I know that Ron can read the irritation in my eyes, "Well what do you want from me, Ron? A confession of my undying token of affection for Hermione?"

"Why is that? Because you found out too late that she's not going to wait forever?"

"Don't be daft. This is about Hermione but not because of any of the reasons you've ascribed to. She's and John is … it's so wrong. I mean does he even know who she is? What she wants?"

"Do you? Do you even know yourself?"

At this, I cannot believe the gall of my supposed best friend for implying that I don't even know any better. I stand up and begin to storm out of the room With my hand on the door, I spat out "Don't try my patience Ronald."

Not bothering to turn around and surprisingly calm, he just tells me, "By the way, Grawp gave me the lovesickness potion. You're supposed to take it every day after mealtime. You may lie to everyone all you want Harry. You can even lie to yourself but don't make it like I'm this stupid person who doesn't know any better. So go and wallow in your own self-pity because if you've given up this soon then you don't deserve her at all."

Stunned and knowing that I've lost the debate, I slam the door behind me and go up to my room. Meanwhile, I overhear Luna fawn over John, "Oh John! I'm so glad we finally got to meet you. I'm also glad that you know about us and took it ever so well. You've made Hermione so happy." Not knowing what else to do, I slam the door to my room like a child and grab my broom from the closet. Then I stalk off to the front door while I hear Hermione running after me but I resolutely would not look back, "HARRY, HARRY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"

Just sick and tired of how the weeks are winding down, I get on my broom and turn to face her briefly, "I'm going for a ride. You want to come? No? Okay then. I guess that's it" and I push off and fly as fast as I could out of there. It was really stupid because I had no idea where to go and I wasn't exactly feeling well. Add to the fact that it started to pour out and it was at this point that I hated English weather. I could just swallow my pride and go back or go to Grimmauld Place but I'm not ready to be found yet. Let her worry about me. So anyway, it is either a testament of my innate stubborness or just sheer stupidity but after trying to escape from Privet Drive for years, I end up going there and staying at the park close by. I was going to go up and knock at the Dursley's but then I'm just extremely sad and angry – but not suicidal or masochistic. It was hours later when I couldn't stand being in my water-logged clothes that I decided to head back home. Home. I don't think it'll ever be that again. Not in a long time. Not without her in it.

The lights were out when I landed. I took my time going there but as it was still raining, you could still tell that I was out in less than stellar weather. I tiptoed inside, careful not to make a sound but as I turned the corner to go up my room, I see Hermione waiting for me in the kitchen with a warm pot of tea.

"So care to tell me where you've been? What have you been doing for 4 hours in this downpour?"

What do I tell her? That I was purging all of my memories of her without much success. Instead, I say, "Just went out for a walk."

"To where?! Scotland? You going to tell me what's up?"

I try not to look at her because I was determined to stay mad and rationalize my awful behaviour. Because if I did, I know I'd end up apologizing and telling her that I'll support whatever she has with John. Turns out that I don't even need to see her. All it takes is to hear her sigh despondently. "'Mione, I'm sorry."

She shakes her head and hands me a warm cup of tea, "Harry you don't get it. I'm not trying to wheedle an apology out of you. We used to talk. You and I. What happened?"

I shiver and try to keep myself warm. Though I'm certain that it was more because of the hurt in her voice when she said that than being out in the rain. What do I tell her? I used to go to her to make sense of things. My relationship with Ginny. The death of Sirius and then Professor Dumbledore. Usually after talking to her, I got the feeling that things will work out just fine. I'm not too sure how things will work out when what I want to talk to her about is how much I love her and that she doesn't feel the same way about me. My silence unnerves her and brings tears to her eyes. I was going to say something but in the interest of self-preservation or some Darwinian instinct for survival I let her interpret my silence as she will. I lift the cup she proferred to my lips and study my hands with intense curiosity.

"Harry, remember that when you are ready to talk I'm here. Please don't shut me out. Just don't wait too long or until it's too late to come to me." With those cryptic words she then turns away and goes to her room.

She doesn't get it though. It's already too late -- I've already fallen for her and she's already fallen for someone else and the Cruciatus Curse holds no candle to the kind of pain that she can inflict on me. If Voldemort knew about this the war would have been over before it ever began.