7 March 1919

You're mad at me again. Perhaps I deserve it. I'm not supposed to using this journal to talk about my sex life am I? But for the record; he wasn't bigger than you and he wasn't better than you and I didn't like him more than I do you. I'm very fond of you. I think I love you as much as I can love a person, though I can't particularly admire your taste in men. Got a taste for damaged goods John? But there, I'm doing it again. I'm trying to make you mad.

I suppose I can talk either about the present or the war? I ought to talk about the war, correct? Well, I always think about these two men I saw on the battlefield when I was a doctor on the front line and I was supposed to be bringing people back to the army hospital. They were lying next to each other and one of them had had his legs blown off and he was screaming. The man next to him was unconscious but he was breathing and there didn't seem to be much wrong with him. I couldn't carry them both so...

I can't do this. I'm sorry.

10 March 1919

John, sometimes I honestly think you should leave me alone. What in the world have I ever done for you that makes you keep trying to help me? But I'll try again if that's what you want me to do and I guess we're both agreed I'll stick to the past seeing as how I can't handle the future.

I'll go from where I was in London and had just met the Duke. Please remember that he means nothing to me now, I was infatuated then, but he never really loved me or thought anything of me. He put our liasons down as a "youthful dalliance" on his part and went on to find himself an unfortunate heiress.

But I'll go back to a simpler time when I wasn't quite as cynical and only a little unpleasant (comparatively). Sarah O'Brien found out of course, almost immediately. Nothing gets past her. She cornered me and accused me of 'fooling about with his grace', which of course, I had been. I told her she was right as it would have been stupid to lie. She congratulated me, saying it was always a good thing to have a secret over somebody in power. I hadn't thought of it like that, but I let her think it had been my intention, becuase Sarah only respects people if they think with their heads and not other parts of their anatomy. So far she respected me and we'd formed an alliance against the rest of the staff and I didn't want to lose that relationship.

The next morning I half expected him to ignore me, the way Mark had, but he chatted to me quite amicably and said regrettfully that he was sorry we didn't have any time for "fun" that morning. He had to get back to his town house and meet some lord or other for breakfast and go to a number of other "dull" social events. I was surprised when he kissed me goodbye and said he'd "drop me a line".

I was even more suprised when he did send a telegram. Mr Carson was standing with the crisp, sealed envelope in his hand when I came into the servants hall one afternoon. The Duke's seal was clear and the envelope was very clearly addressed to "Thomas, first footman of the Crawley household". Carson asked me very sternly why the Duke of Crowborough would have sent such an epistle to a mere footman. I thought quickly.

"I imagine he's forgotten something and wanted it back with the least innconvenience to the family as possible," I answered.

Carson seemed suspicious, but handed me the envelope. I tore the seal quickly and only glanced at it before saying, "he's forgotten his cufflinks somehow, he asks me to go to his town house and give them to his valet. I ought to go immediately oughtn't I, Mr. Carson?"

"How were his cufflinks misplaced in the first place?" Carson grumbled at me. "It's your duty to ensure such things are properly packed away".

"I know Mr Carson," I said humbly. "I think I was nervous around a person like the Duke and that made me a little...remiss in my duties".

That seemed to calm him down a little. "Well, perhaps he should have been undressed by his lordships valet in the first place," Carson reflected alloud. "You're hardly a trained valet Thomas, but his grace didn't want to cause unnecessary trouble and said a footman would do"

I wondered then whether James had seen me at the door and requested a footman because he liked the look of me. That seemed unlikely to me at the time however, the whole event seemed spontaneous. But realising this meant Carson wouldn't let me serve his grace again if he came to stay, I said quickly "I think I've learned an important lesson though, Mr Carson. I'd like to get more experience as a valet, so I can serve his lordship's companions in times of necessity, like last night". Sarah gave me a smirk at that speech and I knew she'd be making fun of me for it later.

Carson nodded gravely, however. He likes it when the staff seek to improve themselves. "Very well, Thomas," he told me. "Go and find his grace's cufflinks, return them and we'll speak no more about it".

"Thankyou Mr Carson," I said before quickly leaving to pretend to search the guest room the Duke had been staying in the other night. I then hurried back to my room in the servants quarters, changed into street clothes and dashed out to meet James at the hotel he'd asked me to. He'd told me to "Make some excuse, say I have an errand for you or something to that effect if necessary". I was nervous as I approached the address. The place catered for a lower middle class kind of clientelle and it would be distinctly unusual for a prestigious person such as the Duke to be staying there. I went to the front desk and asked for a Mr James as he'd instructed me to do. I said I was an old friend and I was visiting. The parlour maid showed me up and I knocked at the door, shifting nervously as I waited for it to open.

The Duke had dressed down considerably for the occasion. Our clothes were almost exactly similar, he pulled me into the room quickly, shutting the door and laughing as he looked me up and down. "You look so different out of that uniform of yours," he told me running his hands over my rather homely thick grey jacket.

"I didn't think Duke's owned clothes like those," I teased him back, eyeing his own homely middle class garments.

"They don't," the Duke said with a smile. "I borrowed them off my valet"

"You did what?" I asked, my eyes practically bugging out of my head, the idea of a Duke wearing his servants clothes was so foreign to me.

"Well he technically doesn't know about it, but I'll return them and he won't mind anyway," James elaborated.

I felt slightly uneasy about this and he seemed to pick up on it. "I couldn't tell him," he said wrapping his arms around me, so he was embracing me from behind. "It would raise too many awkward questions," he went on begining to kiss the back of my neck. "Besides," he added, "it's all part of the fun, don't you think? Sneaking off, trying not to get caught. Don't you find it all...exciting?" he breathed the last words into my ear and I sank back into his embrace, enjoying the sensation of his arms around me and his breath on my neck. I'd truly never been touched like that before and he did make me feel exited and alive. It was all so wrong on so many levels; him being a Duke and myself being a servant. Not to mention us both being men. In spite of this however, it felt right.

We were stripping off rather quickly, as neither of us had much time to spare, and sharing passionate kisses. We ended up on the bed with him on top of me, I remember thinking "I always seem to end up underneath someone," with some irritation, before he started kissing my chest and I forgot about that completely.

He worked his way down until his face was nearly level with my manhood. I had no idea what he was doing down there, so I began to ask him, but only got to "What are you...?" before he grinned up at me and took me into his mouth.

I gasped at the sensation. The feeling of his mouth around me was incredible and I arched up into the sensation involuntarily. I think I caused him to choke slightly and I was quite mortified, but he took it in his stride and continued his ministrations, beginning to move his head up and down my length. I forgot about my embarrassment as I began to feel my orgasm building. I remembered at the last moment that I really ought to warn him, "James," I managed to gasp out, "James, I'm going to..."

James took the hint and pulled back as I came. He managed to get out of the way, but I felt awful for whoever would have to clean those sheets after we were done. James brought me back to the present however, saying something along the lines of "my turn" and gently guiding my head down. I followed with no resistence, but paused when I was level with his manhood. It was the first time I'd seen one other then my own completely unclothed and I had no idea how I was supposed to fit it into my mouth. I licked my lips nervously and gave the tip of it an experimental lick. James shuddered and lay back against the bed, groaning and saying something about him not realising I was "such a tease". I began to suck the tip of it, causing him to start panting. I put my head down and tried to take more of it, but didn't get very far, so I used my hand to rub the base of it. All the time he was groaning and muttering things, but seemed to be enjoying himself. I tried moving my head up and down as he had and started getting dizzy. I leant down again while relaxing my throat, trying to fit more into my mouth again. It worked this time and the Duke arched involuntarily in the same way I had, I think because he was surprised I'd managed to fit him in. He fisted his hands into my hair and it was hard for me to move as his body began to shake. He let go just before he came however, but I was so busy concentrating on what I was doing that I didn't notice and took his seed in my mouth. I won't pretend that I thought that was particularly pleasant and I couldn't bring myself to swallow it, instead I spat it out on the sheet before wondering if that would offend him. He didn't seem to mind though and he brought my head up for a relaxed kiss. I thought to myself that I certainly wouldn't have kissed him had it been the other way around, though I appreciated that he had kissed me afterward.

We lay there together for as long as we dared before we dressed and hurried off to our separate lives, James once again assuring me that he'd contact me.