CHAPTER FIFTEEN

I test out my voice. It was gravelly and hoarse with all the words and the feelings left unsaid, "You're back."

She crosses over to me and says, "Yes I am."

My courage falters at the sight of her. Like some avenging warrior before she slays her prisoner. "Where's John?" But I knew at once that something was wrong. My chest is constricted and the white dots dance in front of my eyes, obscuring Hermione from my view. I try to blink it away but it gets lighter every time.

"Kenya. He had to go back." She has approached me and reaches out to touch the spot over my heart when I notice a ring on her finger that was not there before. I cover her hand in mine and hold it there for awhile before I double over, struggling for breath. I try to get the words out of my mouth but my throat has closed up and every breath is a struggle to make. I see Hermione, kneeling beside me frantic and obviously shouting for help because I couldn't hear anything except for the roaring wind in my ears. I wonder if she hears that too but I think I'm the only one who hears it. I close my eyes and focus on trying to get air into my lungs. I have to do this now. This may very well be it and I may just be screwing it up again.

Each word is a struggle but I had to say it. I may never get a chance to do so again, "I thought I was going to get to do this and not fall apart until it ends. I had every intention of getting through this in one piece and you wouldn't have to see this."

"Harry, what are you trying to say? What's happening?" I close my eyes because the room was too bright and my breath hitches in my throat. I feel Hermione panic and she runs to the entrance to shout, "PLEASE SOMEBODY…ANYBODY HELP ME."

People by this time were hurrying in and I was getting suffocated. Go away. They were trying to get me off the floor and into the couch but I shake my head and try to shoo them away, "Hermione," I whisper like a plea. I have to do this. I have to tell her now. I didn't realize that I said that out loud and she's instantly kneeling beside me.

"Tell me what Harry?"

I try to summon all the strength I have left but it's too damn hard to keep my eyes open or to stay with all of them. I can't see her anymore but I do hear voices. For an instant I was scared. I wasn't scared before when I faced Voldemort but I was scared now that I may never get to tell her anything. I feel her tears drop onto my face and somehow, I found the strength I needed to finish this, "Hermione, I have to tell you. I'm not foolish enough to think that this would change anything between us. I wish you and John would be happy. Be careful. Take care of each other because Death Eaters are still out there and John is new to this world. I'm not too sure I could go on protecting you or Ron much longer. The thing is I love you." I hear her wracking sobs and I know that I'm bungling this up again, "Please don't be sad. Loving you is enough for me." I wanted to say more and comfort her but I'm too tired and I fall headlong into a peaceful light. I couldn't do anything more.

I didn't know that death was a strange thing. It was really a strange place to be. I watch her, watch me day in and day out and I had no idea how long I have been here. But I get a sense that I've been here for quite some time and yet every day I see Hermione come in. Broken and sobbing and all I want to do is gather her in my arms and tell her that it was just time. This was one of the few instances that I wish John was around. At least he could be present and try to comfort her. Where the hell was he anyway?! I was going to go to Hogwarts and ask Sir Nick to help me so that I could at least find out how to get Hermione to see me. Sort of let her know that I'm okay but oddly enough I couldn't get past the four walls of my ward.

Today, Hermione comes to visit me and from the start I know that today is different. She was quiet and was staring at my sleeping form for quite some time when all of a sudden, she started upending the things on my hospital table. "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU HARRY JAMES POTTER."

I'm taken aback by her anger bristling all over. I'm sure that if I touched her I would ignite and burn straight through. "HOW COULD YOU BE SO FCKING SELFISH?! HOW COULD YOU SAY WHAT YOU SAID AND JUST LEAVE. WITHOUT EVEN GIVING ME THE CHANCE TO SAY ANYTHING. YOU ARE A COWARD! AND I DESPISE YOU! I LOATHE YOU." The energy sapped out of her, she sinks into the chair beside me and sobbing, she hides her face onto my bed. One of the healers peek in – obviously rattled by the noise coming from my room.

Now all I want to say is I'm sorry and I couldn't even do that. I couldn't even make things right for her and I'm frustrated. How could I have been such an idiot?! I was so angry that I swipe at the pitcher next to my hospital bed, knowing full well that my hand will just go through it. Then it falls to the ground and shatters into a million pieces. Hermione's head shot up from her arms and she breathes wide-eyed, "Harry?"

I'm here. I want to say. What did I just do? How could I do it again? Please Hermione, I'm here. I'm sorry. I never should have said what I said. But I feel heavy all of a sudden. Like some unknown force was dragging me onto the bed. I wanted to knock things out but this force was just too much. I feel like I'm getting sucked into something and I try to claw at headboard or anything but the force was too great and my feet were being dragged onto the bed. My last vision was of Hermione's head sinking back onto her arms.

I must officially be dead by now because I feel like crap. My throat is dry and my eyelids are heavy. My bones also feel like lead and my heartbeat is racing uncontrollably. I get to open my eyes and I'm lying on the hospital bed. It was dark out and I see a bushy head near my arm. I reach out and say tentatively, "Hermione?" My voice loud and intrusive in the silence of the room.

Hermione then slowly raises her head and blinks to readjust her focus in the darkness of my hospital room. I thought that she didn't hear me after all and I was still stuck in some weird place where I can see and hear her but she can't hear me when I suddenly feel herself launch at me and say, "Oh God! Harry."

"Easy there Hermione. What are you trying to do, kill me?" I smirk at her. Glad to be alive and teasing her like I always did.

Then suddenly remembering that she was angry at me, said all of a sudden, "You pathetic idiot! Did you enjoy giving me grief?! Was that some game to you?" If not for the fact that I was lying in bed, I bet that Hermione would have been pushing me away and raising angry fists against my chest and I would be holding her close trying to calm her down.

"I'm sorry." I start. "I meant every word I said. Don't worry because I won't breathe a word of it again. I want you to have the life and the love you deserve and I know that it isn't with me. So…"

She cuts me off, "John and I…we broke up."

I curse under my breath. How much more can I screw up her life? "Don't worry. I'll talk to him. I'll tell him everything. I promise I'll make this right and if I have to move away, I will. I…"

"Shut up. Just shut up Harry."

I close my mouth in resignation and face away from her. I feel tears roll down my face and I half wish that she would just leave me for awhile. I can't go through this now. I'm not ready yet. If we weren't over then, I'm pretty sure that whatever it is we had, it ends tonight.

"Harry, how could you keep this from me. I broke up with John because there was someone else."

How could one sentence raise up my hope and dash it at the same time. I plead with her, "Please. No more." Voldemort sure could have used some more pointers when it comes to torture,

"No! You have to hear me out."

I suck in a breath and turn to face her again. This time fixing a spot over her head. Just focus on that. "Okay. I'm listening. What do you want me to do?"

"Say what you said again."

I focus my eyes on her this time. Trying to let her know without words that she was being unnecessarily cruel but if this is what I deserved for having gotten her into this void, then I'm ready to make amends, "I love you." I say simply in defeat.

"I love you too." She says it softly and at first I wasn't sure that she said it out loud. May be I wanted to hear it so much that I have snapped and made it all up.

"What?! Please don't do this. Please don't say it if you don't mean it."

"But I do Harry. I mean it. I love you." And just like that it's as if all the pain that has defined my life seem to have lifted and she was there. She was mine because I'm enough.