Letter eight

Spencer, I'm so sorry everything it's all my fault. I am so stupid and selfish and I never deserved you. You gave a horrible dumb person like me a chance and I ruined everything. Id do anything to make it better. You don't care about me anymore and I hate that feeling more than anything. I hate that I hurt you I feel like I'm dying inside and I deserve all this I deserve so many bad things to happen to me. I am so sorry that your dog buddy passed away. I can't believe it I thought he had another year or so. I'm upset that you didn't tell me that you didn't come to me. I had figured if something catastrophic like this happened wed be there for each other. What if my sister died I guess I know I'd be alone then if you don't want me there to comfort you, you obviously wouldn't be here to comfort me and that scares me. I really feel alone and lost and sad. I was so worried when you posted buddy's death on Facebook and you had your phone shut off. I didn't know how to contact you so I called Ms.C and she said you left to a friend's all night. She didn't know who you'd go to see. I can't imagine who you would go to in a time like this if it wasn't me. Who are you closer to then me? Why couldn't we put this all behind us or even aside and greave over buddy together? I called Ms.C later and she said you'd been in bed sleeping since you got home and you'd stayed out all night. She gave you my message and you didn't care and haven't called me. I love you and I'm so sorry it hurts me so much to know that you're upset and there's nothing I can do. You've been there for me and the one time I could be there for you, you don't want me. It was hard because I was with my youth group and we had all gone to Disney all I could do was worry about you. All I could think of was how we'd never get to do anything of these rides together again and how we'd never kiss and cuddle or make love again and on all the boring dark rides. All the good times we had just bring back pain now. I just wanted to share those moments with you. I wanted you to be there and be having fun with me. To hold my hand and hear you laugh would have made the day perfect. I can't take this not talking to one another anymore. Your rowing shirt you left, on that you got when you joined the UCLA rowing team it doesn't smell like you anymore. I broke down when I picked it up and could smell your scent. It hit me I probably never will again and I can't take it. You've completely moved on. It finely hit me why you wanted to wait until the new year before you'd talk to me again, your plan is to make me wait until then in hopes that id be better over your or at least strong enough so you can tell me you don't even want to be friends. Or you hope I'll just move on like you did. Or are you planning to tell me that we were just a big mistake that you have decided you're not really gay you just thought you were because of me. You mistook our friendship for feelings of love and that now I gross you out. Sometimes I feel like I want to be angry at you for not caring that I'm sorry and that you won't forgive me, that you don't want to work on fixing us. This was our second big fight and you just gave up. But then I realize I can't be angry at you when all you wanted was to get away from the stress and hurt I caused you. Then I remember it's all my fault that I was selfish and stupid. STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! It hurts because you have so many more friends than I do and the ones I have are either tired of me missing you and the one who's left not feed up with my depression over losing you is always working. If we could just go back to talking. I few could just go back like wed never met and be friends. The only way to show you that I'm changing is to be your friend and maybe then you would develop feelings for me again and then we could date and really takes things slow so you could see I'm not going to hurt you and I'm not to push you and ever risk losing you again. Aiden wrote a poem for me after we went to Disney with the group. Here let me write it down for you.

I'm missing you a lot tonight, because of that the day did not seem right

While everyone else was having fun in the sun, I felt happy but I wanted to run

I thought of you and the pain was too much to bear, I couldn't help as I felt it tear

Across my heart and my being, I could not focus on what I was seeing

I really wish you could have been there, it was an experience I wanted to share

I don't know how to express my feelings the way they are, but the ache is beginning to leave a scar

I wanted to write you to talk about my day, but you have shown that you would rather me stay away

So instead I will sit here and write this, to tell you without telling you, it is you I truly miss...

I know your probably never get to read these letters but know that I love you. You said when we exchanged keys if someone else comes along that I wouldn't wait for you. I lied and told you I wouldn't and that was the first time I ever lied to you and will be the last seeing as how we'll probably never talk again. I can't imagine loving anyone else the way I loved you and I can't imagine letting anyone else make love to me the way you touched me I don't want anyone else. Ids rather have you or no one. But I would rather be your friend then your nothing because right now being your nothing is the worst I've ever felt in my life. When my horse Sunshine died I thought nothing could hurt me like that again and someone you managed to work your way into that special and sacred space in my hurt. It's been six years since she died and I'm still not over it you can't expect me to really ever be over you. I know that's the one thing you didn't want to hear. You probably wish I'd never come into your life and you probably wish to pretend it never happened. You're happy you got rid of me and everyone says I'm torturing myself over someone who's not worth it because she doesn't care. I'm the only person left on this planet that cares about what we had. You would think people cheat on each other, lie, and even get physically abusive. I've never did any of that. Yet all those people who do those things get multiple chances but why? I always told you I thought you were so beautiful and smart and I always meant it! I still do. So we didn't agree on something's but I compromised a lot of things I didn't like or want to make you happy and yes I am aware you did the same. I had my faults every now and then but so did you but I don't care about that. We had problems with communication but I'd be willing to go to couples counseling or even just give in to anything at this point. I will change my bad habits I just hope you'd give me a nothing chance if I show you ill work hard for you. I wish you wouldn't give up on us forever. I love you with all my heart and nothing would mean more to me then to have you pull me close and tell me you love me to. That will be my birthday wish, Christmas, and every night when I wish on a star everything will before you. My life feels so out of sync without you I know I am meant to be with you as my partner. I just wish you knew how deeply I care about you and how so sorry I am.

I love you,

ashley