Letter Sixteen
Spencer,
Aiden and I went to a new gay club that opened up recently. One of the bartenders was nice and bought me a drink he came around the bar to give me a hug and I was in complete shock when I saw he was in nothing but tight spandex underwear. Then I got nauseous when they started dancing on top of the bar because even though they were gay all I could think about was you and him together. You touching his junk him fucking you and you orgasming under him. It all makes me so sick to my stomach. I still get up in the morning and puke my guts out because im still so hurt it makes my body ill. All I wanted to do last night was get wasted and I have never had that feeling before. That feeling of wanting to keep drinking because it helped the pain go away. I can see how easy it would be to fall into that kind of drinking every night and wanting to party all the time. I know I cant let myself back into that, you made me a better person spencer and you showed me I didn't need to be wasted all the time and I didn't have to be so wild and crazy.
Ive talked to a lot of people about this thing your doing and why your acting the way you are. People think your either straight or that your still experimenting since you've never slept with a guy you are curious. My heart tells me that your so sick of me you wanted something completely opposite and the reason your in this relationship is to fill the void of me not being there. Your not giving yourself a chance to deal with all the feelings I know you have to be hiding. What I don't understand is why so quickly even if that was the case the only reason we dated so fast was because you said things were different with me and that they just clicked that you had never felt or met anyone like me. You said when you dated guys before it took you months before you let them kiss you and it took them a while to even win you over for a date. It took you six months before you hugged your best friend back in Ohio when you first met her. The only other conclusion I can make for this is that you were cheating on me with him, you could have only known him for two weeks if that's not the case. Either way really hurts spencer but if you cheated on me that could explain why your so mad at me. Someone told me that when people do something they know is wrong and are ashamed of they try to put the blame somewhere else. Is that what your doing spencer your blaming me your putting all this anger and hate towards me because you cheated on me and didn't want to tell me. Out of everything that's what really hurts the worst above all is the anger and hate you feel for me, that your so livid at me, and I don't honestly deserve it. I am an honest person and the people that I have talked to know everything yes I was wrong in my behavior but so were you and know one can understand why your so mad because it doesn't fit what I did. Yes I did the push pull come here thing that you really hate and maybe I did blame you for some things but your reaction to everything is un-comprehendible. When we last saw each other it was civil and yes there was a little fight at the end but you didn't want me to die or stop existing then I don't know what happened to all of a sudden change all of that. If I were dying in a hospital you wouldn't care! Sometimes I feel like dying and that I could use that as a way to get back at you for how you've been acting but it was brought to my attention that you would care at all and that you wouldn't miss me. You lied to me about wanting to try and be friends you planned to just keep me out of your life like I never happened. That you being gay never happened. Your ashamed, your ashamed of yourself and you want to take an easy more socially acceptable path. I could be totally off base though because maybe you are straight Aiden has been telling me that for a while that he thought you were just experimenting or that you were just gay for me. I just hope you use birth control as well as a condom. I hope that you don't just pretend that you like how it feels when he is fucking you. I hope you honest with yourself about how you feel so you don't wind up being 40 in an unhappy marriage when it finely hits you that maybe you really did like girls and it was because of me, your anger at me that made you want to be with a man. I only hope you don't like it but because I say that and I hope that I am sure your going to think it's the greatest thing in the world. I know your moving in with him by the way even though I still don't know who he is I just know your so desperate to get out of your parents house your going to move in with him. Then you might wind up like what happened between me and Sarah when I let her move in to my place before I met you. You'll stay in a relationship only because you don't want to move and your lie about being happy.
You know the song "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum that song came on the radio and it made me think that's how I felt last night when I was buzzed. I hate how I feel I hate that you're the cause of all this pain inside me. You used to be the person who made everything better. I don't want to hate you spencer I don't want to have any ill feelings towards you like you do to me. I am starting to realize the only way I can rid of this pain is to do stop loving you. I have to stop caring about you I can see that but I don't know how. I just know I have to find another way. When im rowing I am in the best place in my mind I can release everything out with every stoke, with every drive. The rowing coach actually let me cox the 8 today. I was a little sad I missed out on rowing but I was excited at the same time for the chance to actually sit in the coxswains set and see what it was like. Now I am torn between which I like best, rowing or coxing. I also found out in the fall that if I join UCLA's equestrian team that I get 10% off on lesions and Kyla offered to pay for them as a gift to me to help cheer me up. I miss riding with you I miss taking the horses out to snow hill it was so beautiful up there. I'll never forget the last time we went I talked you into riding with your shirt and bra. You got a kick out of my boobs flopping up and down it was great riding topless defiantly one of the best experiences of my life. We never did get to try doubling on one of the horses like you wanted and fucking in the saddle, you will probably do that with him now though.
I guess the last thing I wanted to tell you was that Kyla and I think we found a place to get and were going to put a bid on it. My interview for Disneyland is tomorrow so I am keeping my fingers crossed that I get the job.
Do you ever miss me?
Ashley