Letter Nineteen

Spencer,

Aiden and I just got back from putt putt golf we had a lot of fun, we went to the same place you and I always used to go. It was fun I had to take a couple of practice shots here and there because my ball would sometimes fly off the course but other than that I wooped his ass. We even played air hockey after and I won 20-6. I was nervous I would run into you because I had dreamed about running into you there with your boyfriend not that long ago.

You contacted Aiden today. He told me you had said you weren't mad at me anymore and I didn't believe him. He said he had been debating on if he should tell me or not and I have mixed emotions about it. He finely let me read the text and it had said something along the lines of "Tell Ashley I am not mad at her anymore. Though I still don't think we should talk right now I want her to completely move on as I have. I no longer have any anger towards her." I hated that you had to put in that you have completely moved on. I believe it would have been a nice text but you had to rub it in my face reminding me you have a boyfriend. Which leads me to wonder why? Why even send a message for me if you've completely moved on? Don't you remember I don't exist in your life im the scum of the earth, I made you gay. Did you finely have sex with him and realize your straight and this was your way of getting closer from me. Or did you feel like you needed that closer in order to sleep with him? Why even bother with me, why even care. But at the same time its nice to know that when I have a nightmare I can tell myself that your not mad at me anymore and I can reason that out in my dreams. Aiden says your playing mind games with me. CA said you were trying to give us both closer, which really doesn't help me any. I just wish I knew what sparked it. I would give anything to know why you even bothered to send it what triggered you wanting to get a message to me. It hurts to think of you getting closer from this. I am so far away from it, I am only now just being able to learn to live my life without you but the thought of not loving you is unnatural to me, I cant even contemplate it. I just wish I knew why you even bothered…..there is a lot I wish I knew.

"I miss you" by Incubus it's a good song Spencer you should listen to it.

Ashley