Letter Twenty
Spencer the text you sent the other night still really bothers me. I just don't understand why you would have bothered to send it. It did help me realize a few things while ranting Aiden. First you did what I do when I usually get out of a painful relationship. I take all the energy and feelings and put them on the first person that comes my way. I dive head in fast and deep to try and mask the pain I feel. I tell myself I am completely over that person who hurt me because look now I have someone else who likes me and since they are there they take the space of my ex who hurt me. It is better for a while it might take months or even years to realize you moved to fast into it and you never really got over that person. I feel like your trying to convince yourself that your over me. In all honesty I wont be surprised if you marry this guy your with because you want to run from your feelings of being gay and probably since your now 25 you feel like you want to settle down and if you don't do that soon with someone you might not get the chance to, so your going to rush into something. Your looking at things you want to have accomplished by the time your 27 so if you date a guy now, and if you don't get knocked up before then, you will probably marry him. I still rack my brain over what I am going to do when you text me, not Aiden. I feel like I am finely able to move on with my without you but I don't know if my heart will ever move on. I cant be around you if you are seeing someone, especially if your sleeping with them. I miss you though I miss our friendship. Hopefully when the time comes I will be able to tell you I want to be your friend but I want to be able to work back into being more than just your friend. I cant just be your friend I'll never be able to do that. I will do anything though to show you that I changed and that I love you. Even if you do decided to give me another chance I would have some conditions on my end. I would want you to get tested for all the STD's and HPV, also you would have to be more okay with being gay just as simple as being able to hold my hand in public would be all I really like. I just hope I get the opportunity to be your friend and to be able to work my way back to being your lover.
Aiden and I did go spend the day at Disney Land! We had a blast getting photo's with all the characters, I got the cutest one of me and goofy that would of made your heart melt. We even stayed and watched the fireworks it defiantly was an amazing day. I love going out to Disney and spending time out there it feels kind of like home, a safe place. I even got a Mickey bar antenna topper for my car!
I heard back from the UCLA Women's Rowing recruiter and she wants to schedule an appointment to meet me and discuss my joining the team. I am trying to set a time up with her now and hopefully I will get on. The coach who is teaching the class I am in knows her so he is going to be a recommendation for me to help me get on the team. I had a great class tonight as well, but we were in a boat that had a small leak and we were taking on water which made life fun. Rowing is getting more challenging because we are learning how to feather a blade and not just row on the square. I am having a hard time figuring everything out and I wish you were here to help me and give me advice.
Aiden and I were taking a walk the other night and I was letting him listen to some songs on my playlist and "Lullaby" by Emmy Rossum came on I had forgotten about it, I think you would like it.
With all my love,
Ashley