Letter Twenty-seven

Hey Spencer,

So I was listening to a cd I found of yours that you gave me a long time ago, about when we first started dating. Its your Flicka soundtrack and there are a lot of songs on here that really it home for me, especially the Rascal Flats song "What Hurts The Most." Do you remember you used to sing "All The Wild Ponies" to me when we would stay the night at your place? I actually believe that is why you gave me the cd because you had to leave for a trail ride and was going to be gone for a week. The whole soundtrack though its reminds me of you so much. You loved riding more than anything in the world, riding is like breathing for you. The soundtrack actually fits perfectly as well with a book I started reading called Heartland by Julie Cannon I wish I could get you to read it. It would have been the perfect book for us to read together. I loved listing to you read to me and it was something I took advantage of and now I wish I hadn't. Its August now and its hard to believe that the semester is going to be starting soon. I have been on edge lately because we had talked about maybe trying to be friends again in August and I am just not ready to hear from you. I don't know how your going to react when I say I cant be your friend if your with him, im so afraid you'll say "Alright." and that will be it I wont hear from you again. You wont even care because you have moved on like you say you have and you have your new life with new friends and I really do mean nothing to you. Spencer you have know idea how much I miss you and how much it kills me to not talk to you. I know I said I was going to write a letter t you everyday but I just haven't be able to its been 75 days and ive only been able to write you twenty-seven letters. Some days I am just to exhausted to sit and write and other times im just to upset. I still take the time though every night to, of all things, pray. I don't know who I am really praying to God, the Universe, nothing. But I pray you, that you haven't completely erased me from your mind and when you do remember me that they are good memories, that as much as I miss you and hate that your with him that your happy and being safe, making smart choices, I thank whoever for bringing you into my life and for the time we had together. I also say thanks for everything else going on in my life like for Aiden being a good friend and for my job and internship. I know it sounds stupid but I found it gives me some comfort right before I go to bed and since I started it ive been able to sleep a little better. Though its hard when you haunt me in my dreams and those are the hardest to wake up from because you still love me in my dreams some nights.

Your parents send me a check for the rest of my parking at UCLA. Remember on Christmas when they wanted to pay my first year of parking? I told them they didn't need to because I had the money but they still insisted. We found out that you could only pay one semester at a time so they were going to renew it when it was due in the fall. When we broke up I assumed they weren't going to pay it anymore which is no big deal to me. They were no longer obligated to so why they send me the check for parking for the next two semesters I don't know. I was touched to get the check in the mail but I feel bad about using it. I know I need to write them a note but I am just not sure what to say to them.

Spencer you would have been so proud of me the other day at Disneyland when I took my assessment for the race track because I passed the written exam portion with one of the highest scores ever. Needless to say I passed all the other jabs as well and I will start my first day after officially earning my ears this Friday, I am looking forward to it. I also have made a lot of new friends over at the track and everyone is pretty cool to me being gay. They have a tradition where on you assessment day you bring something for your trainer, the person testing you, and something for the rest of the crew. I gave my trainer a piece of cake with the words best trainer written on it. I brought my assessor a kitty cat because she was allergic to gluten and cant eat a lot of foods. I then brought the crew two bags of Oreos which they inhaled you wouldn't have believed it!

I also started my internship over at the Neurobiology lab that you helped me to get. It has been a lot of fun the past three days ive been learning so much new stuff my head hurts from it all. Remember that mushy feeling I would always complain about when I studied, that's the feeling I get. Ive been learning about genotyping rats and running PCR's and Gels. They even had me run my own Gel today which I might add did not go so well and they are making me due everything tomorrow. Everyone there is super nice they even insisted that I get in the group lab photo when it was time for that.

Riding has been going well. Ive been enjoying every moment im on a horse and am learning a lot about dressage and I cant wait to my first competition. I would give anything for you to be there to watch me compete and cheer me on. I will be starting rowing soon as well and I cant wait to pick it back up. I al literally going seven days a week non-stop now. I just want to keep busy because during the down time all I can do is think about how If we were still together I could be texting you and if im not exhausted when I get home all I can do is think about how nice it would be if you were here and we could be enjoying each-others company.

Spencer honestly right now I would give anything to be able to curl up in my spot on your chest with your arm wrapped around me holding me close to you. But I am falling asleep as I write so I am going to end it here for the evening I love you.

Ash