A/N: Ok, so this was pretty short. But It was necessary, and I really believe it deserved it's own chapter. Bella is coming oh so soon, next chapter.

Disclaimer: All pubicly recognized characters, settings, and any other thing, are the sole property of their owners. Not me.

"Turn out the light
And what are you left with?
Open up my hands
And find out they're empty.
Press my face to the ground
I've gotta find a reason.
Still scratching around
For something to believe in"

I woke up with a slight headache..

still, it was something.

first hangover ever, weird. Well, unless you were to count the time that I got drunk at school, and then suffered a major headache when I went home.

But I don't, it was in the beginning of the school year, the dog days of summer; in California for god's sake, I still blame it on the heat.

I laughed to myself, before feeling the churning of my stomach.

I began to remember last night, Edward, antique cars, Chanel.

perfect.

Expensive alcohol, mini desserts..

horror.

I groaned, turning over on my bed. I didn't even want to think of how many calories I had consumed last night. It shouldn't matter anyway, it was just for that night, and you're supposed to be trying to recover remember?

I laid there for a while, my head buried under the pillow, unsuccessfully trying to tune out the

stupid/fat/stupid/ugly/stupid/bitch/stupid/whore symphony coming from my mind.

It didn't work, I pushed harder, digging my nails to my scalp, gnawing at my lower lip, holding the stupid tears at bay.

recovery is going fine.

I could vaguely hear the nurse signaling to the others just exactly what time it was: breakfast.

I couldn't go I couldn't eat I needed to starve. not happening, not in this hell hole.

One more week Lia.

My stomach was still bloated from last night's event. They sat me down, pushed into my lap. Drink up Lia, with a tall glass of 150 calorie milk. It was supposed to make me feel better, that or just make me drowsy, enough so that I didn't realize what was going on, either way worked just fine. But in reality, it just made me feel like a patient in an insane asylum.

Isn't that where you already are?

Two scrambled eggs + one sliver of bacon + two pancakes + a glass of orange juice = 541 calories.

I couldn't eat this, not today.

The nurse looked at me expectantly, one eyebrow raised, noticing my repugnant stare. justgetthisoverwith.

One mouthful of scrambled eggs, a nod of approval, a bite of bacon, she left.

It took me half an hour to finish the meal, longer than was expected, shorter than I wanted to.

I trudged back to my room, once again, keeping the tears at bay, I could barely move, my stomach was so bloated.

I went back to my bed, hating myself, I couldn't even stick my head under the pillow, I just laid there, my sins creeping into me. I stared at the cracks on the wall again, trying to picture small little spiders sewing webs onto the old ceiling.

I was fat and disgusting and I deserved to die, I wanted to, I was stuck in this putrid body and there was no way out, I couldn't shove a knife and dismember it, it wasn't possible, I know, I had tried.

The bathroom door was open, calling to me, I knew that they would never find out, I knew that it would be easy, I knew that it would provide relief.

Not really caring what the downside to this reckless behavior of mine would cause, I got up.

I locked the door, turned on the shower, knelt down before my porcelain god, and stuck my two favorite fingers down down down.

Flush, bathe, cleanse. I was pure. I was home.

And so the dance began, all day. stuff/puke/stuff/puke.

But it wasn't enough, I needed more, I wanted to cut all the fat off of this body. I wanted to purge every single thing I had ever eat eaten in this rotten place.

The hate kept rolling into a ball, all of the suppressed feelings oozing out, silently, no one could hear, no one could see. He wasn't here yet, and everything grew worse. There was nothing to believe in anymore.

Lunch: 450 calories down down down the drain.

I cried cried cried. Too fat too ugly too fucking disgusting. My fingers finding their way to my hair, threatening to rip at the scalp. My mouth filled with cotton comforters, from trying not to scream in agony.

112 112 112 112, too fat for 110 now.

3:00 pm 3:00 pm 3:00 pm 3:00 pm.

still not enough..

My body was burning, my chest was aching, my heart palpitating, my fingers trembling, my head was spinning, it was cold again...

thump..thump......................................thumpthump..thump.....thump.........thumpthump

5:30 pm. dinner.

The waste was color coded: brown for the beef, orange for the carrots, ivory for the rolls, yellow for the butter, black for the fatty chocolate cake. I was done.

I turned on the shower head, cleanse number two: I stripped down to my bra and underwear, staring at the mirror.

My rolls went down all the way to my greasy thighs, my once willowy arms where sausage thick, my breasts were bigger, stretching out the thin skin that used to hold them. My stomach, flabby flabby flabby. I was plump, I was ready for thanksgiving.

I went back to the bathroom, looking at the small medicine cabinet with nothing in it but a toothbrush and face wash.

I turned on the radio, very very... loud. I had done this before, I knew they weren't suspicious, I was after all.. a very, very good girl. I didn't write bad stuff on my journal or scar myself too early into the recovery program (scars checked while you were sleeping, journals peeked at during therapy sessions.)

I was one week away from leaving, I was as close to freedom as any of these girls. I was not stupid.

I cracked the mirror, waiting to see if anyone heard.

coast clear.

my heart started palpitating again, I could not keep the tears at bay. How would I explain this tomorrow? I wasn't thinking of that now.

it shattered, but stayed in place, one small glass was enough.

One part of me knew this would just get me into big trouble, the stronger part didn't really care. The stronger part had too much hate for herself, I looked to the mirror once again.

Tear stained face, messy hair, fat body, I touched my ribs, down my stomach, to my thighs. My hands still trembling.

stupid/fat/stupid/ugly/stupid/whore/stupid/bitch/stupid/lost..

"We stumble into our lives:
Reach for a hand to hold.
And any wonder
We need to find
A certain something."

I arrived to the center, feeling deliriously happy, I couldn't wait to see her.

Edward, it's too late, please, don't go to her room.

I heard the anxious voice of my father figure. What had happened? I hurriedly got out of my Volvo, automatically hearing the thoughts of the only person that mattered in here..

I knew, she was worse.

I didn't listen, remembering what Alice said, she needed me.

Please Edward! Don't go in, I'm begging you!

I didn't care, all that mattered was her, I needed to see her.

I silently opened her door, her thoughts shrieking into my own.

I almost wish I hadn't seen what I saw.

I saw the blood, not affected one bit, there were more important matters at hand, saw the cuts on her ribs, the inside of her thighs, freshly opened on her hips.

The bathroom shower was on, fog silently coming out of it's doors, the perfect setting for the most horrific scene.

Her heart was beating like crazy, unorganized, in slower then faster rhythms. Her breathing was scarce, small shallow breaths overwhelmed by grief-wracking sobs. The object of torture was carelessly thrown to the side, her hands finding their way all over her bruised body, then landing on her hair.

I didn't say anything, not a word, but I did exactly what she did me. Not noticing nor caring in what she was, or well, wasn't wearing.

I scooped her in my arms, and carried her unto her bed.

She was trembling madly, unable to hold herself together.

"Lia," I whispered, "I composed something for you."

I knew that there were no reassurances I could give, nothing I could say to make her feel any better,

Her sobs quieted, muffled by my shirt.

"It's lovely, Lia, just like you, you'll love it once you hear it."

she buried herself deeper in my chest,

Her blood was leaking into my clothing, my mind went a little hazy, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle.

"I could play it for you, if you'd like, someday... when you get to Forks, and I have my piano.. Or maybe, I could use the piano here, and you could dance for me, like you promised, remember?"

Her breathing grew steady, then went haywire once more, her heart beat palpitating, I smelled her breath, smelled the acid, I knew what she had done, I knew why her heart was threatening to go under cardiac arrest.

I held her tighter, wishing more than anything to rid her of these inner demons, wishing that somehow they could enter me and leave her alone.

She wrapped her arms around me, holding tighter.

"Don't leave." She whispered, her tears leaving broken pleas.

and I didn't.

I stayed with her the entire night, her grip never loosened, and neither did mine.

I stayed there, feeling her... closer than ever before, wanting to never be apart from her.

She needed me, and I needed her. She was so much more than I ever anticipated, and this time, I would never leave her.

never, never leave her.

She dreamed of me that night, a real dream, something you would see coming out of a scene from a movie, a fascinating dream of her dancing in Paris, in a happier role, and me watching her.

A big thank you to the people who have been reviewing, both here and on Twilighted. (where you could see my banner)

Pictures of outfits may come soon, on my lj.