A/N: This chapter is pretty heavy. Take a deep breath…

The overstuffed couch practically swallowed Austin whole on that Friday night as she sat so pulled into herself that she was nearly invisible. Lindsay sat just three feet from her on the other end and they both looked at each other awkwardly before shifting their gazes elsewhere. Finally, Austin cleared her throat. "You can ask... you're going to have to ask. I'm not good with starting."

Lindsay looked over at her friend and her heart dropped. Adam had taken all three of the kids while Danny worked so the girls could have a chance to talk but Austin had been closing herself off from the moment she had gotten there. She knew that Austin was trying and if she could just get her talking then maybe they would have a fighting chance, "What happened, Aust? What makes you so skittish?"

"Uhm," Austin sniffled and ran a hand through her tangled curls as she pulled her knees to her chest, "I know that you've got some vague ideas... that, uh, my childhood wasn't exactly unlike Adam's."

Lindsay nodded. It would be a waiting game. Austin would speak in bits and pieces until she got the entire story out, all Lindsay had to do was wait.

"I don't think I've ever told anyone all of it before. Besides Danny. Adam and I talk about it but it's only ever in bits and chunks." Her hands were shaking and she pulled nervously at her lips, running her thumb nail over them until she found the words, "When I was little I was a Daddy's girl. To the extreme. He was a beat cop and from the time I could walk I was going to be a cop just like him. You have to understand that he wasn't a bad guy when I was little. He was actually sweet. He would always spoil me rotten and protect me from my brother when we were arguing. Always took my side. Always. He wasn't a bad guy, Linds."

"I believe you, Austin."

She wiped at her tears with the sleeve of her shirt, "The summer I turned eight... it was a bad summer for the NYPD. Really bad. The eighties were a different time for New York. This was before the gentrification movement. The police were taking a bad rap for some shootings in Washington Heights. Dirty cops and stuff. I don't exactly know how my dad was involved but it was enough to start him drinking. And when he drank, Lindsay, he got mean. Really, really mean."

"Austin," Lindsay wanted to reach out and wrap her in a hug but knew that one touch could send her flying if she tried, "it's okay."

"It's not. It wasn't okay." She choked on her words and anxiously wrung her hands, "I was an easy target. Andrew was gone most of that summer with Danny, and my mom... she just wasn't strong enough to fight him off. I would take it. I was Daddy's girl, ya know? He hit me for the first time just before my birthday and I remember being so scared. I was terrified like any kid would be... That was just the start of it. I thought I deserved it. Every hit, every kick. I thought that I had done something wrong to make him stop loving me."

It was familiar territory. Not long ago she was listening to Adam share a similar tale and all Lindsay wanted to do was to take that pain away from them.

"I would run away after it happened. I would spend days, sometimes weeks even at the Messer house." She explained, "Danny's place was safe. Lou, his dad, was a cop as well and he would go head to head with my dad until he backed down. Eventually I would have to go home though and it would just start all over again." Tears spilled over and she tried as hard as she could to keep her mind from slipping back to that place, "It was about a year into the abuse that I guess he got sick of me slipping away from his anger. He wanted his punching bag around. So, he started locking me in the basement."

"Oh," Lindsay's hand shot to her mouth and her stomach turned violently.

"It was dark and unfinished. It had this smell of mold and was always hot because of the furnace. He would beat me until I was unconscious and I would come to in the dark basement on some old sheets." Austin was shaking but she took a deep breath, powering through, "He would keep me down there for days sometimes. My mom would sneak me out when she could. Sometimes Andy did too. I never really understood it though. Why they were so afraid of him when he wasn't beating them... he was a monster though and while he only hit me – they were victims too."

"Austin," Lindsay breathed her name as tears clouded her own eyes.

"It kept happening for years. One time he broke my wrist and I had to go to the hospital. The nurses filed a report and social services came around." Austin shook her head, "He got the charges dropped. He became a dirty cop and used his badge for his own advancements. It lasted until I was seventeen. The summer after I graduated... Danny was gone with the minors and my brother... My brother had taken off a year prior to go to California... It was really bad."

Her breath was shaky, her chest aching from trying to fight off a panic attack. She didn't dare look at Lindsay for fear that she would lose it completely, "I was having a rough go of it. Rebelling pretty hard. I would take Danny's bike from the Messer garage and ride all over upstate. I pushed hard and for the first time I fought against him. I stopped laying down and taking it." She paused, "That night... God, I can still feel it. I was standing upstairs looking at my brother's empty room – Andy was my best friend and when he left, I was lost. I was standing there and, I can still feel his breath against my neck, he came up behind me and told me that I deserved it. To be left alone. That I ruined everyone's life and that they were all better off without me. I told him to fuck off. There was this... this glass table that my mom had pictures lined up on and the next thing I knew I was flying into it. I didn't get hurt very bad from it. There was some glass shards in my legs and arms but it wasn't life threatening. I tried to get back up and fight him. I wanted to kill him. I really did. He was bigger though and stronger. He uh... His kicked me. A lot. Then the last thing I remember is his fist coming down at my face while my mom screamed at him to stop."

Lindsay's hand was clamped over her mouth to hold back the regurgitation that burned her throat, "Shit."

Austin stole a glance at her at the curse that was uncharacteristic of her best friend, "Yeah. I came to in the basement again. I had no idea how long I was down there. About two days was what I heard later though. The occipital bone around my left eye had been broken and my eye was swollen shut." Tears fell freely now without any permission as sobs racked her chest, "Danny... he had come home for the weekend. When he couldn't get a hold of me. He knew about the basement. That my dad would lock me in there sometimes. I was able to see him out of my good eye and he was standing outside the tiny window that my dad had nailed shut. He kicked it in and I managed to stumble over there. When he pulled me out... He took me to the hospital and I was in for two weeks. I never tried to press charges because I knew that they wouldn't stick. I had to have surgery on my face and it's why I have to wear reading glasses or I get really bad headaches. I had something like four broken ribs and bruises everywhere. Danny wouldn't let me go home after that. He put me up in the city and, when he wasn't at home, Flack would come over and sit with me. They took shifts like that until Danny broke his wrist and couldn't play ball anymore... it took almost a year for me to be able to handle both being alone and being around people besides the Messers and Flacks."

"Austin," Lindsay sniffled, "I'm going to hug you now and not let go for a very long time, okay?"

"Okay," Austin nodded and allowed her friend to pull her into a hug as she cried.

"He refused to go to bed until you got here," Lindsay said with a grin as Colton dove into Austin's arms, squealing happily.

"You should have told me, I would have gotten here sooner."

"Au'tin?"

"Yeah dude?"

"Love you."

She chuckled and held him close, breathing in the little boy scent and reveling in the feeling of his arms around her neck. It had been much too long since she had seen him and now that she was with him, she realized how much she had missed him.

"I love you too buddy."

She stood up and kept holding him, as he seemed unwilling to let go for the time being.

"My Au'tin," he said solemnly, burying his face in her hair. "Not go away no more, 'kay?"

She sighed and closed her eyes, nodding gently.

"I won't go away again, I promise."

"Okay. You put me night-nights?"

She looked over at Lindsay who gave her a smile and a nod.

"Yeah, I'll tuck you in. You gonna say goodnight to your mama?"

"A 'course," he said. "Mama, come here, I hug you."

Lindsay chuckled and held her hands out for him and he fell into her, giggling and peppering her with kisses, just like Adam did.

"Love you the most."

"No, I love you the most."

"Nu-uh mama, love you more."

"How 'bout you love me more today and I get to love you more tomorrow."

"Deal."

They shook on it and she held him close for a while before kissing his cheek and handing him back to Austin.

"Goodnight buddy."

"Night mama."

He gave her a smile and a wave as Austin carried him into his room. Lindsay shook her head and finished putting the dinner dishes away before pouring herself a glass of water and draining the whole thing. She loved these quiet nights that she and Austin had been setting aside to talk, but at the same time she dreaded them, because they always pulled up stuff that neither one of them wanted to talk about. They'd slipped into taking turns too, and tonight was her turn and she was already choking on the words. The funny part was that she was completely comfortable telling Austin, it was the fact that every time she had to tell it, even just a little, it all came rushing back to her, like she was there again. It scared her to know she would feel it again and she wanted to avoid it, but there was a tiny part of her that was looking forward to the catharsis.

Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, she turned the dishwasher on and put a bag of popcorn in the microwave. They had to have some semblance of normal or she was going to back out and hide and then… well then Austin would be ticked. And they were just getting to the place where small talk was gone and they were laughing and teasing again. It wasn't completely normal because there was still this cloud hanging over them, but they could both cope quite well with overcast weather.

"He wanted me to tuck his stuffed animals all in with him. You realize how many he has, right?" Austin asked, pulling the fridge open and swiping a Pepsi.

"I don't even know where they all came from. I swear we never buy them for him."

"Think they're procreating in the corners of the toybox?"

"There's a missing socks joke in there somewhere but I just can't find it."

Austin chuckled and shook her head.

"Why do our minds always go to the same strange place?"

"Faulty wiring," Lindsay offered, taking the popcorn out of the microwave and dumping it into a bowl before taking her own can of Pepsi out of the fridge.

"Couching it?"

"Always."

"Colton asked me if I would love him for always," Austin said, kicking her shoes off and tucking her feet underneath her.

"He's been asking that a lot lately. What did you say?"

"I said I would. Then he asked if Isa would love him for always and I said he would have to negotiate that one. He seemed to be okay with that."

"He's a peculiar child," Lindsay admitted, inspecting a popcorn kernel before eating it. "I have no idea where he comes up with some of the stuff he says."

"He's a Ross through and through."

"That he is."

They fell silent for a while, neither one of them knowing where or how to start. Lindsay wanted to blurt it out, but she felt like she didn't have all her ducks in a row. Austin was afraid of what she was going to hear, as Stella had warned her she wasn't going to want to know.

"Linds, can you tell me what happened?"

"I can," she said, taking a deep breath. "And I want to and I need to, but before I do you need to promise me something."

"What?"

"Don't let me chicken out halfway through. I have to get it all out or I'm stuck in it."

"You won't get stuck I promise."

She nodded and took another breath.

"What do you already know?"

Austin bit her lip and picked at her fingernail for a second.

"I know that your friends died. I know that you were a witness to it. Stella told me it was more involved than I thought it was. She said that when you told me things would make more sense."

"I really haven't told you very much, have I?"

"No."

"Don't feel bad though. The only reason Stella knows is because Mac found out before he hired me. And she doesn't know it all completely. Adam's the only one who knows every last bit of it."

"Linds, if you don't want to tell me-"

"No, I do. I need to."

"Okay."

She took another deep breath and looked up at the ceiling closing her eyes briefly and feeling like she was jumping off the highdive with no clue how to swim.

"It was the end of my sophomore year. Friday night. We went out to this little arcade that night. Karen was supposed to go with us, but her parents didn't let her because they thought we were a bad influence. So it was me and Kelly and Amy and Steph. After the arcade we went to the diner to get pie. We were there for almost two hours and there was no one else in there. The waitress told us we could stay until she was ready to go home. She always hated being there by herself at night anyway. At one point I got up to wash my hands. I was standing in the bathroom and I heard the door open and the girls started screaming and there were gunshots. And it seemed to go on forever. And I sat there on the bathroom floor just wishing it would stop, you know? And then the screaming did stop. Just kind of faded out and there were just gunshots left. And I don't remember or even know how long I sat there, not knowing what to do or what to think. And then I crawled over to the door and I looked out and I saw…this man. Standing there with a gun. And he was covered in blood and he had that look in his eyes, like he was crazy but there was just… something else there. And I remember wanting so badly to scream and I couldn't. I backed away from the door and hid in the corner with my hands over my eyes until I heard the bell on the door again."

She stopped for a second, catching her breath and preparation for the second half of the story, which was much worse than the first part, because it was what she never told, it was the part that she tried not to remember, the part that hurt the most.

Austin was quiet, waiting for the rest while her insides quaked. She had no idea it was like that. She'd always assumed it was a car accident or something. Never this. Never something so horrible.

"Linds, breathe," she coached seeing the early signs of hyperventilation. Lindsay looked up at her and blinked a few times calming herself before she forged on.

"I waited for a little while. I was so afraid he was coming back. And I didn't want to see it, but I had to call the police. That was all I could think about. I knew there was a phone behind the counter and I thought I could just close my eyes and get there and not have to look. But the second I opened the door I saw them. All of them laying there. There was blood everywhere."

Her breath left her with the words and she tipped her head back on the couch letting the few tears stream out of her eyes and willing her heart to slow back down.

"Lindsay," Austin said softly, her mind going back to her own nightmare, feeling the same terror in her chest.

"I didn't know what to do and I remember just standing there, wondering if they were still alive. I knew they weren't but I had to be sure. I had to touch them again. I don't know where that came from or why, but I walked over to all of them and just looked. Just to see if they were breathing. Later they told me that Amy had been shot first, seven times. The other girls were each shot three times. And then I walked over and Kelly… she was… she was still breathing."

Austin's stomach churned at the thought and she wanted to shake her head and stop the words, make it part of a movie and forget the whole thing. She couldn't imagine how it was for Lindsay, remembering it as part of her life instead of something that had happened to someone else.

"She opened her eyes and I don't know if she really saw me or not, but then she closed her eyes again and…she was just gone. I know I couldn't have done anything, but I wanted to. I wanted to save her somehow. And after a minute I fell down next to her and I shook her shoulder, I guess hoping that she was still alive somehow. But she wasn't. And I don't know what happened next really. I know I got up and I went behind the counter and I called 911. And then I just remember sounds. I was laying on the floor and I heard sirens and the bell on the door. And I could hear the cops and paramedics talking and it was so loud. I think it was a while before anyone found me, but I remember one of the paramedics came behind the counter and he saw me laying there. And I had blood all over from being on the floor and I remember him checking for bullet wounds and I was wishing he would find one. And I kept my eyes closed and just prayed and prayed that it would all be over. He lifted me off the floor and I can still hear the sounds of it. And he kept telling me I was in shock and not to look. And then we were outside and I opened my eyes and I remember looking at the stars while he carried me to the ambulance and trying to imagine I was anywhere but there."

Austin was rendered completely speechless and she wanted so desperately to reach out and at least touch her but she wasn't sure if that was such a good idea. There seemed to be more story festering below the surface so she waited for it to come out.

"I don't remember much else. I know I talked to the cops. They admitted me to the hospital for a few days. I couldn't talk. I sat there and stared straight ahead. People tried to talk to me and I was just silent. And it was months before I really said much, and by then I had to go back to school. I didn't want to but my parents made me, thinking it would help. It was awful. They all avoided me, whispered behind my back. I know it's because they couldn't believe it, I mean, nothing happens in Montana, ever. But they said all these things about how I was in on it, or how I'd paid the guy off to let me go or hundreds of other horrible things."

She sighed and waited until her stomach settled then pressed through to the finish.

"I went a little crazy. I just closed off to everyone. My parents, the friends I had left, everyone. I started getting reckless. Driving fast, hitchhiking. Going places I didn't know with people I didn't know. Drinking. There were times when I was only sober when I slept. I don't know if I hid it well or not. I don't think I really cared. I just wanted to forget. I know it's cliché, like everyone seems to cope that way, but it was all that I could do to forget it. I'm so ashamed now, that I did what I did. I hate that about me. But I can't change it."

"What happened? Why did you stop?"

"Lots of reasons. Kelly's mom begged me to. My brother said I wasn't allowed around my nephew like that. I couldn't stand to see the look on my dad's face anymore. So I locked myself in my room for a week and tried to work through it."

"Linds… how did you even come out of that?"

"I had to. I didn't have a choice. I learned how to function and how to grieve."

"All on your own?"

"I was the only thing I could rely on. Anyone else could turn on me or be taken away. I was all I had so I had to do it alone."

"What about your family? Didn't they help you?"

"I think they wanted to. I was too stubborn to let them. And they didn't know how to help me anyway. I didn't want them to know either so I just pretended I was fine until I really felt better."

"You didn't go to the funerals, did you?"

"I couldn't. I didn't want to. I regret that now, which is why I always go to the cemetery when I'm home. I wish I could have said goodbye properly. I wish a lot of things would have been different. I wish I would have chosen different things."

"You wish it had been you?"

"I did for a long time," she sighed. "It wasn't until… well even after Adam and I were married that I stopped feeling so guilty for surviving. I guess it took someone really loving me to see that I was worth it. I wish it didn't take so long and I wonder sometimes how things would have been different if I saw that earlier. I don't know."

"I didn't know… how alone you were, or how alone you've always felt."

"I never told you either."

"No but… I should have known when I looked at you."

"It's okay. Adam saved me. He really did. He came into my life at a time when I really needed him and I don't know what would have happened to me if he hadn't been there."

"Was it really that long? Ten years before you had someone?"

"Yes."

"Oh Linds," she breathed, feeling utterly helpless as she finally pulled her friend into her arms. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. There's things that happen that we can't fix and we can't change."

"I just wish… I wish I could have been there for you. Or that someone was. Anyone. I always had Danny but you… you were alone."

"It made me stronger."

"You're one of the strongest people I know. Have I ever told you that?"

"No, but it means a lot. I've always thought the same thing about you."

"Are you alright? You're shaking."

Lindsay looked down at her hands and nodded in time with the tremors.

"It takes me a while to get back out of it."

"Nightmares?"

"Yeah."

"How… how bad are they?"

"It depends. Sometimes I can wake myself up from them. Sometimes Adam has to wake me up. Sometimes they're night terrors and he has to splash water on me before I come out of it. Remember a few weeks ago when he had that bruise on his arm? It wasn't from hockey. I punched him in my sleep."

A knot took up residence in Austin's stomach as she imagined the guilt that had to go with that.

"You'll have them tonight, huh?"

"Probably. Adam will be home around midnight though so I won't be alone."

"Want me to stay until he gets here?"

"You don't have to."

"Do you want me to?"

Lindsay balked at that, just a little. She didn't want to be by herself but she still had trouble asking people to do things for her. She never wanted to be a burden or force someone into doing something that they didn't want to do. But right now, she needed to let that wall down or they would just regress back to where they had been before.

"Can you? You don't have to stay that late but at least for a while."

"I'm here as long as you need me."

"Thank you."

"Can I ask you one more thing?"

"Sure."

"Do you still worry that we're all going to be taken away from you?"

"Yeah. Not as manic worry as it used to be. When Adam and I started dating, I actually spent a few days trying to figure out how to break up with him because I was so afraid I would lose him too and I wanted to get out before that happened."

"Why did you change your mind?"

She sighed and smiled a little.

"It was the about three weeks after we'd started dating. I'd worked all night, probably a good twelve hours at least. It was a bad case and I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep for a couple days. And I came home and he'd picked my lock and made me breakfast and he hugged me so hard I almost couldn't breathe. And I realized I wanted him there as long as possible and I was going to quit being scared of something that wouldn't happen again."

"I'm so glad you did otherwise I would have no love story to flail over."

"Oh whatever."

"The way he loves you Linds… I've never seen it before. It's how love was supposed to be when God made it. And you love him just as much. It's almost unreal."

Lindsay chuckled and shook her head.

"Well you and Danny are my favorite love story so I guess we're even."