A/N: This one is pretty heavy too, but after this we're done with the sadness. Promise.

"Austin," Lindsay's voice was barely above a whisper as they sat in the dimly lit living room surrounded by wrapping paper and presents for Austin's nephew, "if it hurts you so much to be in the same room as your dad then why are you going to this party?"

"Because," Austin's voice was rough as she fiddled with a torn piece of Superman wrapping paper, "Andrew asked me to come. He wants me to be there."

"Doesn't he know what being in the same room as your dad does to you?"

"He, uh," she shook her head as she kept wrapping, "he knows what happened and he's seen the panic attacks but he doesn't comprehend it. He can't. My dad never hurt him so he doesn't know what it's like and he was gone before the worst of it."

"Here," Lindsay took the present from her hands and fixed the fold so the present was fully covered before taping it, "talk it out, Aust, no secrets."

"We were best friends, ya know, since the day I was born. There wasn't a day he wasn't on my side, even when we were fighting. He'd let me crawl into bed with him when it would storm and he was the one who sneaked me out to my first rock concert in some back alley in Harlem when I was twelve. He'd let me out of the basement when dad would leave for work or stumble off to the bar to get wasted. Then he turned eighteen and he left."

"Aust-"

"I've got to get it out, Linds," Austin shook her head and wiped at her tears with the back of her hand, "we had always talked about running away together. He was going to take me with him when he left. He promised that he would take me where Jack Hawthorne would never be able to reach me again. But then his graduation rolled around and he packed up his bags and took off for the ass-end of nowhere without me. He loaded up his Jeep and shook me off when I pulled at his arm and begged him to take me too. He said that he couldn't and that he was sorry. And he left."

Lindsay breathed in sharply as she watched her friend for signs of a breakdown but Austin was holding it together with a grace she rarely possessed.

"Flack was in the academy and Danny had just left to play for the minors and then Andy decided to leave me too," she breathed a shaky breath as she pulled at a raveling thread on her jeans, "I don't know where he was before he got to California but nobody could get hold of him when I was in the hospital begging for him. Besides some payphone calls on my birthday every year we didn't talk until Dallas was born."

Her heart hurt as she listened to the truth behind Austin's deep rooted abandonment issues.

"I thought he could walk on water... hell, I still think he walks on water," Austin pulled her knees to her chest as she moved to wrap another of Mikey's presents, "I never thought that Andrew would hurt me but what he did... what he did hurts more than anything my jackass father ever did. He knew full well what was going on and he walked away. And it hurts so bad inside my chest that I could keel over given the chance but he calls me up and asks to see me and I can't tell him no. Because he's my big brother and I still believe that he can do no wrong."

"Austin," Lindsay reached out to tuck one of the raven curls behind her best friend's ear, "I'm going to hug you now and you're going to cry until it's all out then we'll go back to wrapping presents like this didn't happen, okay?"

"Okay," she agreed and scooted over into the embrace where she sobbed against Lindsay's shoulder. She felt Lindsay's arms wrap tightly around her as she let go of the pain the abandonment had tangled her in, "why can't I hate them?"

"Because it's not who you are," Lindsay ran her hand through Austin's hair as she rocked her slightly, "you don't take the easy way out, no matter how bad the pain is. You don't stop loving people when things get rough."

"I'm sorry I left you," Austin managed through the tears, "I promised I'd never abandon anyone that way and I left you. I'm sorry, Lindsay, so sorry."

"Oh, Austin," she sighed, "you're not like them... I was just mad and I wanted to have the last word in the fight. I shouldn't have said those things to you. I'm sorry that I made you feel like you were like them."

"We're messes," Austin pulled back and wiped her tears away.

Lindsay reached out and wiped Austin's smudged mascara as she tried to push down the anger she was feeling on her friend's behalf, "Good thing for you that your last name fits."

Austin chuckled, "Then what's your excuse?"

"So, can we talk about it?"

Lindsay looked up from the popcorn bowl and rested her chin on her knees, sighing deeply before closing her eyes. She wrapped her arms tightly around her legs, wanting to rock back and forth but knowing how far back that motion made her retreat.

"We can. And I want to tell you, but it's just not easy."

"Yeah, but was the other thing easy either?"

"No, it wasn't. None of this has been easy."

Austin nodded and picked at the threads in hole of her jeans. All this confessing and being honest and picking at past hurts was exhausting and taking its toll on both of them. But it was important, they had to get it all out in the open if they were ever going to get back to the way things were before. It had been a long process, lots of tears and talking, but it had been good for them. Everything came easier now, they could get things out that they never had.

"You're looking at me like you don't know where to start."

"I don't, really."

"I know that it isn't something new, Linds. I also know that it's a lot worse than you let anyone believe it is."

She was quiet for a while, chewing on her bottom lip while trying to come up with the words. It was always difficult to get them out, to admit her hurts and faults, even to and probably especially to someone that loved her.

"There's some stuff going on," she said finally. "Stuff that makes the… the depression worse."

"Like what?"

"We're trying to get pregnant. And it hasn't happened yet."

"How long have you been trying?"

"Not that long," she said with a little shake of her head. "But you know me, I plan things and then my timetable doesn't happen and… I've been making myself think that I can't get pregnant. So I'm all stressed about it and then all this happens and I'm on such a downswing and Adam tells me that maybe we should hold off for a while because it might not be a good idea for me right now. And then it's like I've failed him because he wanted this so much. And I don't know what to do next or how to make it better."

Austin didn't know what to say, she'd had no idea that Lindsay was going through that, and wouldn't have even guessed it either.

"Did you want it too, Linds or were you just doing it for him?"

"No, I want it too. Just as much as he does. I just thought… with Colton we didn't even try. We were trying not to, actually and it just happened. I guess I thought it would be easy this time too."

"I'm so sorry Linds."

"It's okay."

"It's not okay if it hurts you that much," Austin said softly.

"I know. I'm just trying to push through until everything is okay again. I'm just trying to make everything as good as I can and I'm trying not to think about it. But that's what this does, it makes all the bad stuff just run over and over in your mind. It tells you that you're a failure."

"You're not a failure, Lindsay."

"Yes I am," she countered, her voice gaining just a little edge. "I can't even pay attention at work. I forget what I'm doing. Procedures I've done a hundred times are totally foreign. Danny's having to pick up all my slack and I can't even tell him why. And then when I'm home with Colton, it's like… I love him as much as I always have. I take care of him and I play with him, but I just don't feel connected to him. Sometimes I don't feel like he's mine. And you were right when you were saying that stuff about me not being able to get out of bed. I'm just… I suck. I'm a horrible mother and I'm not strong enough to get over this and-"

"Lindsay stop it. You are not a horrible mother. I never said that or thought it or meant to imply it. I know it's hard right now. But you're holding it together. Even if you don't think you are. I saw you with him earlier, it's was just like it's always been. You're doing your best. And I'm really, really proud of you."

Lindsay sniffled and looked away feeling so much shame at what she admitted, feeling so small with her perceived failures weighing down on her, wishing that she could close her eyes and take back what she had said.

"There's more. I know there is."

"I can't."

"Yeah you can, Linds."

"Adam and I… well I guess it's just me. He's trying so hard and I just can't be better."

"What do you mean?"

"I tell him all this stuff and then I'm tapped. I don't have any energy left to listen to him. And I know he's worried about me. And I want to be there for him and I just can't. And he's probably got other things going on that I don't even pay attention to. I'm not the wife I'm supposed to be. We try to spend time together and I'm not all there. We talk and I don't hear him, we have sex and I'm completely checked out. And I'm afraid that… someday it's going to be too much for him. He's going to want to leave me."

"He won't."

"I just want to run away."

A lump rose in Austin's throat at the words, because she knew exactly the desperation of wanting to go away. And she knew the desperation of those that were left behind. She knew it all too well.

"Why do you want to run away, Linds?"

"Because everyone would be better without me. It would be easier for them. Adam could find someone else, someone stable and happy that would be a better wife for him and a better mother for Colton and I wouldn't be dragging them down with me."

"Neither of them would want anyone else."

"I know they love me. But I'm not what's best for them. And if I really love them, then I should do what's best for them right?"

"Yes, you should. But that, running away, that is not what's best for them. That is the worst thing you could do."

"It would be so much easier for everyone."

"For everyone or for you?"

"For everyone. It wasn't supposed to be like this, Aust. I wasn't supposed to be my mother. I was supposed to have it all together, but now it's like I'm worse off than she was."

Austin didn't know what to say; no words sounded right in her head. It was all platitudes and she knew how frustrating and unwanted those would be right now.

"Linds, could anyone on this planet love Adam and Colton as much as you do?"

"No."

"Then leaving them, expecting them to find someone else would be a waste. You're the only one either of them has ever wanted anyway. Just because you're struggling right now, that doesn't erase all the good. I understand that it hurts and that it's hard, but you're still dancing Colton around the kitchen and kissing him goodnight. Maybe that doesn't feel like enough to you because you're usually Supermom, but it's okay to slow down sometimes. Especially times like this when you need it and you have too much to hold."

"I know. You're right. And I know this feeling will pass, it always does. But sometimes I just get to the point where I can't take it anymore."

"I know. And you feel like it's the worst it's ever been and this time it won't get better."

"Yeah."

"But it will get better Linds because you have never laid down and surrendered to anything in your life. You don't want this and you're going to fight it."

"It's so hard."

"I know. Believe me, I know. I've been through it too. Not nearly as bad as this seems to be, but I've been there. I know the desperation, I know the feelings of not being good enough. I know what's it's like to feel like you're a drain on everyone else. I know what it's like to cry yourself to sleep without knowing why you're crying. I know what it's like to wake up and not feel any better. And I know I've never dealt with it like this, I've never had it this bad, but I know how badly it hurt then and I can't imagine what it's like for you right now."

"I feel like everything inside me is gone. Like I left it somewhere and I'm just walking around empty. I don't even have a heart anymore."

"Lindsay, that right there is a big fat lie. You do have a heart. You have one of the biggest hearts I've ever known anyone to have. That's why this hurts so bad. Stop telling yourself you're bad or not enough or that you're a failure. I hate hearing that because it's not true. Do you know that? It's not true."

Tears trickled out of her eyes at the words and she turned away once more wanting to throw her own walls up but temporarily forgetting how.

"It hurts so bad," she whispered finally, her hands clenching as if to divert some of the pain. "I can't make it go away. I try so hard and it won't go away."

The tears came harder and Austin couldn't help reaching over and pulling Lindsay into her arms. Under normal circumstances she never would have, but the tears were too much to handle.

"It's going to get better Linds. It's going to be okay."

"What if it's not this time?"

"It will be."

"What if I end up how I did before?"

"You won't, Linds. I promise. I won't let that happen."

"How?"

"Because I'm not giving up on you. You're my best friend and I'm not going to let you get lost."

"You won't leave me?"

"Never."

"I'm a full time job, Aust. I need a lot. I'm high maintenance."

"No you're not. You only feel that way because you don't think you're worth it. But you are. Linds if the roles were reversed, you'd be there for me, wouldn't you?"

"Of course."

"Then why are you surprised that I'm there for you?"

"I don't… I don't know."

"Well I am. And I'm not going anywhere. Ever."

"Okay. I won't go anywhere either."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"Good, because we all love you and need you. You're the lynchpin in this band of familial scallywags you know. You're the glue."

"I am?"

"Without you, Linds, we wouldn't all be this close. Take any one of the rest of us out and it survives but you… you're the one that holds us all together. So you can't go or we'll all go insane."

"I won't. I promise."

Austin nodded and could feel Lindsay wilting against her. She found a throw pillow and pulled it into her lap, then patted it gently. Lindsay gave her a half smile and laid down, sighing and sniffling against the pillow.

"Linds, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"I don't want to ask. I really don't. But I think I need to because of how bad this is and I just need to know."

"Okay."

"Please be honest with me."

"I will."

"Have you thought about… um… about hurting yourself?"

"Now or ever?"

"Both."

"Yeah."

"Have you… um… ever actually done it?"

"No."

She let out a relieved sigh at that, but knew it wasn't over.

"Have you been thinking about it recently?"

"No. But I have in the past and I know how fast it can grab you. I'm aware of it, but I don't dwell on it."

"How much of this have you told Adam?"

"All of it, I think. He makes sure I don't… do what I usually do."

"Okay."

"I am trying, Aust. I really, really am. It's just so hard sometimes."

"I know. But you do your best. And what's that line you always say your dad says?"

"When you've done your best, angels couldn't do better."

"A little too sentimental for my tastes, but he's right."

"Yeah."

"Do think we've finally told each other everything now?"

Lindsay gave a wry chuckle.

"Probably. But I don't think that is gonna keep us from sharing pretty much every thought that crosses either one of our minds from now until we die."

"Oh, absolutely not. Wouldn't trade that for anything."

Lindsay nodded and yawned, every ounce of energy gone from her body. She wanted to keep talking, to put herself in a better place before she fell asleep, but she had nothing left to make her stay awake. And as sleep was becoming a low supply with high demand, she let herself give into it.

Adam found them just like that a few hours later when he came home. Austin was clicking through the channels, her eyebrows furrowed and her teeth doing a number on her lip while Lindsay slept what looked like the most real sleep she had had in weeks.

"Everything okay?" he asked gently, lifting an eyebrow.

"Yeah, just… it was kind of a long talk and what she told me… I just couldn't leave her alone after that."

He nodded and gestured for her to follow him into the other room.

"Adam, is she okay? I mean, she mentioned that this is the worst it's been and I just worry that she might not come out of it."

He sighed a little and got two glasses out of the cupboard, filling them both with water and handing her one before he answered.

"It's bad. I can't compare it to anything really. But I know on a scale of one to ten… it's pretty high up there."

"Is it going to get worse?"

"I don't think so. It's been getting better. She's been so down for quite a while. I'm sure she told you why."

"Yeah, she did."

"And part of it is that it always happens to her this time of year. It just happened to hit her really hard this time. Usually it doesn't last this long but…"

"We fought."

"Yeah. And I'm not saying that it's all your fault or all her fault and I'm not taking sides here, but if the fight hadn't have happened, this wouldn't have gotten so bad."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. Austin, she knows what this does to her and she let it happen anyway. It's her fault too. What I'm getting at here is that she's used to you being there, all the time. And suddenly you weren't and it was like everything spun out of control. You came back though and you're talking again and her world is starting to make more sense."

"You promise?"

"I promise. It's not going to be easy and she still has some things to work out, but you're helping her more than you know."

"Has she talked to her doctor?"

"Not as much as I would like her too, but… she's a work in progress. She's trying. She's getting there."

"I'm really worried about her."

"I know. She's going to be alright though."

"I miss her. I miss looking at her and seeing her happy. I want her back."

"I know. Believe me, I miss that happy Lindsay too. She's in there somewhere. She'll come back to us. I'm starting to see little bits of it again."

Austin nodded and sighed.

"I wish it was different. I wish she didn't have to go through all this."

"Me too. Believe me, I would change it in a heartbeat. Give anything."

"I'm glad she has you, Adam. I don't know where she'd be without you."

"Right back at you."

She smiled a little and set her glass down on the counter.

"I should go."

"Yeah, you need some sleep. Thanks for staying with her. You didn't have to."

"I needed to."

"Thanks all the same."

"You're welcome. Let me know if you guys need anything, okay?"

"Okay."

"And when she wakes up… tell her I love her."

"I will."

"Bye, Adam."

"Bye."

The door clicked closed behind her and Adam went out to the other room, gently lifting Lindsay's head and sitting down on the couch. She stirred a little, blinking a few times before giving him a small smile.

"Hi."

"Hi sweetie. How're you doin'?"

"I'm okay."

"You look tired."

"I am."

"Austin said you talked?"

"Yeah, we did."

"Are you alright?"

"I feel better. I don't know how she feels though."

"Well she told me to tell you that she loves you, so I think she's okay too."

She smiled a little and he twisted one of her curls around his finger before she sat up.

"Adam?"

"Yeah baby?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"All of this," she said, her voice starting to shake. "For not being there for you and for being so hard to love and for all the drama and all the crying and just for not being the wife I should be and the mother I should be and for not beating this thing earlier and for making you help me and-"

"Lindsay, stop it," he whispered, pulling her closer and brushing her tears away. "You don't have to apologize for any of this. It's not your fault. It hasn't been the easiest thing in the world but you are trying so hard, honey. You're beating it, one day at a time."

"You didn't marry this part of me. I'm letting you down."

"No you're not. Linds, I knew this about you before we got married. And I married you anyway because I am madly in love with you. I always will be, depression or not."

"I'm so sorry. I want to be better. I really do."

"I know. You're getting there baby. You've got a ways to go, but you're moving in the right direction."

"I just don't know why it's like this. I miss how it used to be, when I was happy and everything was right."

"I miss that too. I miss you so much baby," he said, his tears dropping onto her cheeks. She reached up and pulled him closer, resting their foreheads together and breathing deeply before meeting his eyes.

"I need you right now," she said softly.

"Are you sure sweetheart?"

"Yes. Please, I just need something to be right again. I need something to be normal."

He held her tightly, crushing her to his chest and running his fingers through her hair for a moment before pulling back and kissing her.

"Please, Adam. Please."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

He held her for a moment longer, then stood up and carried her to their room, shutting everything else out so it could be just them.