A/N: Greetings from Malibu. I understand how delayed this was, but I've been at a 5-week intensive with the L.A Ballet, this is actually me last week, and I have had about an hour of free time a day. No worries, I'll be back to updating regularly soon. This is all in Lia's POV, I think the story will flow better if every chapter is solely dedicated to one person's specific POV. With the exception if I have a small POV such as Bella's. I will return to the computer world shortly, so sorry for not replying to anyone's reviews and such, I have really had NO time!

Disclaimer: I own nothing recognizable.

"There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you, won't you be the one I always know?
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down"

- The Fray, Look After You

102.7

I stepped off the scale, going on once more.

102.7

No, that can't be right. I stepped on again.

102.7

1 0 2 . 7

My eyes widened. Blink blink blink on bright red LED.

Maintain, Lia. Maintain. You can't even fucking do that right can you? Mr. Boal wants you to stay at 100 and what do you do? You go and eat your fat ass off like the stupid little shithead that you are, you can't even fucking eat without doing it like a pig, dumb bitch.

I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. The doctors had magic incantations for this. First step: Stop what you're doing. Second step: Identify the feeling that is troubling you. Third Step: Learn what is triggering you, and ask yourself why it's upsetting you.

It's fucking upsetting you because you're a fat little whore Lia. A stupid little bitch, all he asked you was to maintain, but you can't even fucking do that right.

I closed my eyes, breathing slowly out of my mouth, kicking the scale out of the way during the process.

I must maintain, it's only natural to gain when you're in recovery, you know that. If I up my calorie intake, my body will gain weight, my body will gain weight because it'll release itself from starvation mode, and will start taking in all the fat it can gain. It's only natural Lia, you knew this.

Fat. It doesn't fucking matter, because you know you can't afford to gain anything, look at those disgusting yellow blobs of fat. They're all over your skin, all over your body. Disgusting. Fat. Stupid. Ugly. Bitch. Whore.

No. No, it isn't true, I'm beautiful. Even if I can't see it yet. I am, I really am. I tightened my eyes, I could feel my hands trembling, feel the tremors all over my body.

Beautiful? You think you're fucking beautiful? Is that why Edward left you Lia? Because you're beautiful, because somewhere in your fucking delusional head you think that you're pretty? You think you're thin? You think you're worth something? All Mr. Boal asked you for was to maintain, you can even do that right, you can never do anything right, you dumbass. You shouldn't even be fucking eating, food is for skinny people, and you're never going to get there with the way your stuffing yourself, disgusting, like some kind of animal. You have no sense of self control, no sense of fucking respect, hoarding on food like you're a fat, ugly little monster. So stop it. Stop fucking trying, lets try to do something else ok? HOW ABOUT YOU STOP FUCKING EATING? Because you know damn well you don't deserve food, so stop putting it in your ugly little mouth. That's it. No food, you got that bitch? No more food. Lets see how long it'll last before you fucking screw that up. Let's see how long you take to screw up such a simple fucking concept, no eating, You got that? No more eating.

I didn't know who I was nodding to, I could only guess as I let out an involuntary whimper.

I turned on the bathtub faucet, letting the water run as hard as it could. I did not care. Uncle Charlie was here, Bella was here, Edward was here. I did not care. Did not, did not, did not.

I had Bella's meatloaf inside me today. I had a full day with no fucking screw ups and three whole meals and I weighed myself. I weighed myself even though I knew I shouldn't have. I was going through with this whole maintaining thing just fine today. I couldn't say too much about this past month.

Fasting for 18 days this month

Cutting everywhere I can reach.

Purging water, just so I can feel something.

Recovery is going fine. Don't you know?

Maybe it had been all those stupid movies I kept watching. Titanic was on TBS again, I couldn't really handle watching that movie again. Because every single time that little scene came on when Rose and Jack are standing on the edge of the ship and that little song comes on and she keeps laughing because she thinks that she's flying? Yeah, that really makes me want to throw up.

I couldn't watch TV either and here about Lindsay Lohan or whothefuckever going down to 85 pounds so she could fit in her size 00 skinny jeans for fashion week.

The media tried to glamorize eating disorders. Making them out be normal, or even something someone would want. Something that people had a fucking choice in and something that had to do with vanity. But it wasn't.

How the fuck could me shoving my finger down my throat, spilling up the contents of my dinner, all the way until the only thing my stomach could heave was bile, glamorous? How the fuck was me losing my period for three months straight glamorous? How the fuck was me crying in front of food sometimes, because I couldn't fucking eat it glamorous? I was growing monkey hair all over my body and my bones were so brittle I swear I could feel the cold touching them. I was slicing my skin open after eating a simple fucking meal because it made me feel so horrible that it was all I can do so as to not run into the bathroom and vomit.

My brain was going on some kind of pro ana mode. It made me chug several bottles of water so I could throw up that instead of food. Was it sick to say that it made me feel better? I knew it did, Edward kept throwing me looks of absolute repulsion.

I always thought there was a crystal clear definition of can't and won't. Can't meant that it was physically impossible to do so, the muscles in my body just couldn't possibly stop or start, etc… Won't, was the choice of not doing so, I could stop the muscles in my body from moving, but I didn't want to. But what the hell was this? My stomach muscles didn't force my purging on their own, they didn't contract and push the food out by themselves, the muscles in my arms and mouth were well capable of picking up a spoonful of food and chewing it. My body was not a can't, it was a won't. Simple, sure. Just do it right? It is physically possible to stop, so why didn't I do that?

It was because my mind was a can't, or maybe it was so afraid of any possibility of a won't. It was like stepping outside in the Alaska winter and getting your tongue stuck into a pole, your body is physically possible of removing your tongue from the pole, but your mind just can't get around to it. It hurt now, but how much would it hurt afterwards?

And so I continued with my tongue stuck in the pole, well aware of all the damage I was causing to myself by not just getting around to pulling it out. I was a girl stuck in winter, freezing my ass off instead of ripping out my tongue and stepping back inside the warmth.

I stepped out of the bathroom.

I stopped thinking.

I changed into my pajamas.

I slung my body unto my bed.

I heard the sound of Bella, who was being unusually cold to me these past days, trip slightly on the last step up to her room. I snorted slightly, the poor girl could barely contain her excitement. I wonder what was upstairs waiting for her?

"102 pounds Edward, do you think that's worth a suicide attempt? I think the second time will be more successful than the first."

I waited for a response, laughing as my bones dug deeper into my mattress, and stared at the ceiling until 5:00 in the morning.

One month later…

Two days till' my birthday and all Alice could talk about was wedding decorations. Two days till' my birthday and Bella's little ring had gone back into it's box, I hadn't seen it on her for a while. Two days till' my birthday and Edward hadn't talked to me, except for that one time he stared too long at my arms before muttering a sorry.

Happy seventeenth Lia! No one had said anything, I talked to dad three days ago and he said I was staying with him in New York for a week, the downside? He invited Bella. Mommy thought it was a fabulous idea for Bella to join me in California too, since she hadn't seen her favorite uncle for a while. Whatever. She blushed bright red, bit her lip, and declined, saying it was too much for her to spend two weeks away from home, away from Edward. Mommy screeched nonsense! and she agreed to come to California, but not the city.

So we were leaving in four days, me and Bella, and oh! Surprise! Edward. Why couldn't they just get away from each other for one second? It was absolutely perfect. April weather by the beach was nice and cloudy most days, except for you never knew when the sun would sneak out, it was a sneaky bastard, it really was.

Edward in California. Edward in California with Bella, with me, with my mother. Edward in my house, Edward in my real room, Edward with my friends. I shouldn't have cared. He hated me already, did it matter? Whatever would happen when he saw me in the world I grew up in would surely not increase his hatred, and even if it did (which it probably would) it didn't matter. Because me and him was never a me and him, it was always a he and Bella and they were a done deal. Tied by a future marriage (June 13th), and a future immortality date (during honeymoon). Honeymoon. Yuck, it sounded disgusting. If I ever got married, I would never have a honeymoon, ever. It was possibly the most nauseating word in existence. How the hell did the moon look like honey? What the hell? And adding to that, I would never even get married. Marriage. Disgusting. Ew. Who would even want to marry me? I certainly didn't want to marry anyone, there was no one in the world that I could even think of wanting to marry, in fact, I didn't even want to meet anyone who could possibly change my mind on the subject. Marriage and Lia would never ever happen, ever.

I hadn't realized I walked into him as I was pondering my very deep thoughts on the subject of which Edward's life revolved around.

"Oomph." I let out as he steadied me a bit too softly, before his grip turned into iron.

"Will you watch were your going?" He hissed as he let go a little carefully, almost as if I would drop dead if he released me.

I shook my head a little as my brain tried to catch up with his words…. Oh.

"Will you stay out of my way then? I don't expect that to be to hard for you." I bit back before he shook his head at me, smirking as he did so.

He walked away at some point after this, I think I stood there a bit too long.

"She looks skeletal" they whispered down the halls,

"Look at the space between her thighs…" they commented during study period,

"Tell me your secret." They begged underneath bathroom stalls.

Dear God, I'm lonely. and it hurts.

No, no you don't care a bit, you don't care a bit, you don't care a bit.

One month and ten pounds later, 92 still hurt just as much as 102.

No, I never believed you, you never cared a bit.

Weddings. Weddings were more important, weddings and trains and sewing machines. White lace and pearls and something blue. That was all he cared about. About her. Because she was here first. And I was always second. And while she kept stringing along wolf boy (who hated me too, and I had yet to even meet him), Edward kept ignoring me, and Alice kept glaring at me, and Rosalie (the few times that I had even seen her since that night) kept shooting me looks of sympathy. And the girls at school were more annoying than ever, their envy laughable because it didn't touch me, the girl who didn't even want this. And, I swear, I didn't want to rehearse Romeo and Juliet anymore, not anymore. I didn't want to pretend to be happy while I was dancing just so I wouldn't get thrown off the casting, I didn't want to act as though I was in love, too tiring, too hard when Edward and Bella where watching.

Sebastian could tell sometimes. Sometimes when Mr. Boal would leave the room he would ask if I was okay, and I think I had to give him a better excuse than being tired, because it had never stopped me before. I had never been good at hiding my feelings.

It was too hard to pretend to be happy in love, the only thing that gave me a sense of comfort was that I knew something Juliet didn't. She was doomed. The only thing that gave me absolute relief and emotional freedom was when we were rehearsing the scene of Romeo's death, and even then I had to hold back, because I had come too close to bursting into tears (Mr. Boal had loved it of course).

I suddenly heard the bell ring, releasing me from history class, releasing me to lunch. I hurriedly packed up my stuff and pushed my iPod speakers into my ears, trying to go faster before Jessica and Lauren caught up with me. I had made it all the way to the library when I saw them. Bella and Edward, with Angela and Alice trailing behind them, accompanied by two very bored looking Jessica and Laurens. My eyes widened slightly as I tried to walk the other way before they noticed me.

"Lia!" Damn.

I sigh slightly as I turned and plastered a smile on my face.

"Hey Jess." I replied as she and Lauren quickened their pace towards me.

"Are you like walking to the cafeteria? Cos I haven't seeing you there in forever." She started conversationally, as they smoothed into a steady beat of walking besides me.

"Yep. Exactly where I was heading." I snipped, determined not to make eye contact with her or anyone else that could possibly be around me.

"Great! I miss having you there for lunch, seriously the romance going on in that table is gag worthy, with Jess and Mike and Bella and Edward and Angela and Ben, disgusting." Lauren made a face.

"Don't you have Alice and Tyler?"

"Yeah, it's not like Alice ever talks to anyone besides her brother and his bitch. And Tyler, seriously Lia? You expect me to talk to him?" I snorted loudly, the venom spreading in my mouth.

"His bitch? Oh that's bad Lo." I said a little louder.

"Truth hurts, yeah anyway, Tyler is such a jerk, sometimes I don't even… ugh." She made another little face.

I tuned out her Tyler ranting, I felt kind of bad for not listening, but I had never been interested in anything a girl had to say about a boy she liked, it was usually boring. Didn't girls know that no one gave two shits about what her and her boyfriend texted to each other during bio or whatever?

We got to the cafeteria as Lauren and I sat down on a table while Jess went and got a salad. It seemed as though I had influenced Lauren just a bit on her eating habits.

Angela had packed her own lunch. She took out two cupcakes and set them besides me and Lauren. Bella and Edward had already situated themselves quite cozily.

"Here Lia, it was my birthday two days ago, my mom baked them." I sighed as Angela shoved it a little closer towards my empty tray.

I grabbed the fat free yogurt I had bought earlier out of my bag as I slowly peeled off the cover.

"Are you going to eat that?" Bella asked, all high and mighty next to her fiancée. Her nose was turned up slightly as she eyed the offending baked good warily.

"Why do you want it?" I asked as I pushed it towards her,

She actually smirked at me, smirked, as she shook her head no.

"You should eat it before Angela gets offended." Bella answered haughtily as she snuggled closer towards Edward, I didn't dare look at him.

If I hadn't known Bella for so long, I would've sworn she was trying to rub her relationship in my face. But this was Bella. Then again, I had never really seen Bella with a boyfriend, did she really have the guts?

I smirked back at her as I saw her lightly trace circles on Edwards hand.

"I have a better idea." I looked slightly towards Lauren as she leaned closer,

"You don't like Kate do you Lo?" I stated.

She away from her nails for a while, "What? Hell no, fuck that fat bitch."

My smirk grew as I looked towards the poor chubby girl, sitting with a knock-kneed, hairy freshman with huge glasses. I eyed her disgusting Wal Mart size 16 jeans, bmi 28.2, Extra Large shirt, D-cup breasts and disgusting pig tails. I looked back to the cupcake that had seemed to get closer to me, tempting me with it's rainbow frosting and butter cream flavor. It wouldn't hurt to take just one bite.

I looked back towards Kate, her Keds looking small against her large frame. I frowned slightly as I saw her stuffing a piece of pizza into her mouth. It looked so, so good. I saw Kate again, drinking a can of coke, her shirt stretching across her broad back rolls. Do you want to look like that Lia? Because you're pretty fucking close. I scrunched the insulting cupcake in my hand squeezing it tightly

"Hey Kate!" I called out, the poor fat ass turning around to stare at me.

Her cheeks were red. Fat. Huge.

Really. Fucking. Close.

I determinedly hurled the cupcake straight at her face.

Aim. Hit. Score.

Lauren and I howled with laughter as Fat Kat let out a wail, wiping off the frosting, running out of the cafeteria.

"I love you Lia, seriously, you're my soul mate." Lauren let out between her fits of laughter as she laid her head on my shoulder.

Edward suddenly looked between me and Lauren, staring in disgust as his hands balled into fists. He stood up so fast his chair hit the ground.

"Edward?" Bella called in a panic.

He stormed past her as he leaned down towards me. The whole cafeteria had suddenly stopped, watching the scene unfold.

"I can't imagine why I ever…" He breathed into my ear, sounding scarier than I had ever heard as chills started to erupt in my spine.

He didn't finish his sentence as he roughly pulled away from me, glaring with absolute repulsion, staring down as if he were looking at a spider. He finally stormed out of the cafeteria with Bella hot on his heels.

My heart had been racing the entire time. My body hadn't moved a single inch.

"Woah, what was all that about?" Jessica asked as she sat down with her salad.

"Pfft…" Lauren laughed again, "I think Edward has a crush on Kate!"

I bit back the nausea that threatened to rise. Edward already hated me didn't he? It didn't matter what I did, at least he had said something to me. I tried to shrug off the strange sensation as I tossed my hair behind my shoulders.

And as if it were the most natural thing in the world, I joined in, just like in California.

"Looks like Bella's got some competition."

I couldn't get Edward's voice out of my head, he couldn't believe he ever what? What? And why did he get so mad, he knew me. He knew who I really was, knew how I could get. And even with him knowing all of this, he hated me didn't he? So why did he care? Why would he get angry with me when he shouldn't have any interest in anything I do? And who cares what he thought anyway? He didn't get it, he thought that any girl who wasn't quiet and nice was just despicable. Why did he even care? It's not like it hurt Kate, hell I bet you she licked that frosting right off her chubby face once she got to the bathroom, hell, I was doing her a favor. Feeding her for free and all that. Lord knows how much food that girl needs to keep her going for the day.

"Lia, dinner!" Uncle Charlie called me out of my reverie. Damn it. I walked slowly down the stairs, feigning a yawn as I stepped through into the dining room.

"I have so much homework Uncle Charlie, can I please eat in my room? I promise I'll finish everything, you could check my room and the bathroom afterwards and everything!" I begged, hoping that he would crumble.

"You know we aren't allowed to let you do that Lia." He said cautiously. I studied him for a bit, he looked like he would break easily.

"Yes, I know, but you can trust me, really Uncle Charlie. I promise, I've been trying really hard." I held out my pinky for him so we could swear to eachother.

"Alright Lia, but this better not become a habit. Just this once got it?"

"Got it, thanks Charlie." I kissed him lightly on the cheek as I grabbed my plate of steak and potatoes and carried it upstairs.

I shut my door quickly setting the plate on my bedside table. I padded over to my book shelf, looking for a movie. I shuffled through some books before I found the case, I opened it hastily, only to find it empty. The hell?

I quickly shuffled through my horrible memory, remembering that Bella had borrowed the movie a while back, when she wasn't acting like such an uncharacteristic bitch.

I hurriedly crossed the hall to her room, opening the door quietly, making my way through the dark in search of her DVD player.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" I gasped slightly as I heard a low growl coming from the only recliner in the room.

I steadied myself on the TV set before pushing the button to open the player, determined to not give him the satisfaction of knowing he startled me.

"It's not like it would work, I could hear your heartbeat thrumming like crazy."

"Then stop listening" I clipped, hastily taking out the movie.

"Don't you dare discard any of the food Bella made."

I snorted, "Why, do you want it?"

"Are you going to throw it at my face too?" He growled, all of a sudden only two inches from my face.

I gripped the TV set harder. "Why do you care?" I growled back.

"I don't" he stated, backing off slightly.

I pushed past him, "It doesn't look like it."

He made his way in front of me again, "Don't get your hopes up Lia. You've finally proved to me that you are no better than the rest of the Forks High population."

"I thought I made that clear a long time ago." I said, my breathing getting heavier as I felt the familiar burning behind my eyelids.

"You know a foolish part of myself truthfully believed there was something different about you. But I keep on surprising myself, obviously, I know nothing about you." He looked at me again, that familiar looked of disgust settling his features.

"Stop it." I said quietly.

"Stop what?" He spat.

"Stop caring ok? If this is the way you're going to talk than go back to ignoring me."

"As I've previously stated Lia, I obviously don't."

He walked back to his seat on the recliner, enveloping himself in the darkness again.

"Well then if you don't care, then stop taking to me." I growled as those stupid tears threatened to fall.

"I just thought I'd let you know how little respect you deserve from what you did today."

I couldn't hold them back anymore, stupid little girl.

"Why, do you really have a crush on her?" I half laughed, half sobbed.

"Don't." He warned.

I stood my ground. "Why Edward? It's not like you deserve any respect after what you did to me."

"It's been over a month Lia. Please." His voiced had sobered, sounding more like a concerned parent than anything else.

"Please what? No Edward, I don't think I will." I snapped, for some stupid reason, still standing there rather than leaving.

"You're welcome to leave if you'd like," he responded, reading my mind.

"You can't kick me out, this isn't your room." I crossed my arms against my chest.

"I'm sure Bella wouldn't be too happy to have us in the same room together." He pointed out, flexing and curling his fingers into the palms of his hands.

"What are you so tense about?" I blurted, continuing to stare at his hands.

He turned his head sharply, "Lia. Please, can you just leave?"

The profile of his stupid head was exquisite, only supplemented by the moonlight. I hadn't stared at him this long in over a month.

"I don't want to." I blurted again, my heart aching. There was such a strong part of me that knew, just knew that Edward didn't want me to leave either, that he cared for a reason. No matter how much he denied it, he would've never even initiated a fight if he didn't care.

I saw his entire body tense, the energy spreading from his fingers all the way to his neck, little pinpricks sending my hair on end.

"I know that your sole purpose is to annoy me, but you and I both know how badly you want to leave." He completely ignored my thoughts, building the brick wall stronger against us.

My brain didn't listen though, it kept making sure it voiced exactly what I wanted to say.

"You could just watch a movie with me until Bella comes up, it might be a while." I shrugged.

"Are you listening to yourself?" He asked in disbelief. I nodded briefly.

"Are you not a fan of DiCaprio?" I questioned, trying to get on some familiar level with him.

"I loathe him." He sneered, turning his face briefly towards me, than turning it away again.

"What about Kate Winslet? She's pretty." I hushed quietly, feeling a bit foolish for giving him such a proposition.

"We can't be friends Lia."

"Why not?" I challenged, feeling the desperation I worked so hard to ignore bubble up inside me. "Prove it Edward! Prove to me you have absolutely no feelings for me and be my friend! That's all I want Edward! Just be my friend!" I begged, frustrated.

He shook his head resolutely, walking towards me, grabbing me by the shoulders.

"Please." I whispered, my voice breaking.

"You aren't the person you lead me to believe you were. And I promised Bella... I promised her, can't you understand that?" He whispered back.

"No." I shook with anger, sadness, frustration.

It didn't matter, he was gone before I had even uttered the words. Leaving me alone, again.

End Notes: Yes, I know what a bitch right? I know, you can all bash on Lia if you want, I know I would. I'm actually very excited to write the next chapter, it's going to be Lia's birthday. (;