AUTHOR'S Note: I have no excuse other than having a life and not enough inspiration. But alas, I have encountered a situation which I can pour my feelings into this piece of work. I am so, so very rusty. This is incredibly short, but vital. Tell me if you're still with me, and if you are, I promise to crank this out faster.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

At night, he lies awake,
And his heart aches,
'Cause it's cold.
He sweats it out all the night through.
Then he throws up all over me and you.

I wanna catch my death of cold,
'cause I'm scared of growing old.
Don't return the love I gave.
You're still my favorite.

- Black and Blue, Chris Garneau

I was a bad, bad person. It didn't matter really, if you thought about it. If I had passed out now or later, either way, it was gonna happen. I wasn't fixed. Not yet, not ever. The notion of me even being a different person than now was out of the question. It was not happening. Ever. So of course, I would have everything good taken away from me. I was bad. I knew it. So when my mother came into my hospital bed (.) and told me I had been dismissed from the Pacific Northwest Ballet School, and that she saw no reason to keep me in Washington, I said nothing. When she told me she was disappointed, I said nothing. When she told me she was scared, I almost laughed.

It wasn't like I had cancer, I wish I had cancer.

I imagined how heartbroken everyone would be if I had such a disease. Maybe if I had cancer Edward would visit me in my hospital bed. He wouldn't hate me still, you can't hate someone with cancer.

My sea eyes started watering for the seventh time this weekend, I kept my tears on a little notepad, counting down the times my heart started feeling funny.

At 11:11 I wished that Edward came into my room,

I wish Edward came into my bed right now
I wish Edward came into my bed right now
I wish Edward came into my bed right now
I wish Edward came into my bed right now
I wish Edward came into my bed right now
I wish Edward came into my bed right now
I wish Edward came into my bed right now

Please, please, please, please!

11:12.

At 11:16 I started playing The Smiths records into my head, I almost heard Morrissey outside my window.

At 11:30 I realized that Edward was in bed. With Bella.

At 11:30 I pictured me shooting him, putting a bullet straight to his head. Setting him on fire. I pictured fire and bullets over, and over, and over, again.

At 12:00, I started remembering the car ride to Seattle. When a million tiny desserts were inside my stomach, sickly sweet, sugary, honey in my mouth, in my heart, in my soul. Honey eyes and that glow, and smoke. Pretty smoke and expensive champagne and.. dancing.

Fire and bullets, over, and over, and over again.

"Don't know why, there's no sun up in the sky, stormy weather…" I whispered softly to the ghost by my bedside.

During this little, insignificant moments. With a ghost hanging on my back and the mattress too loud and fog on the windows. I missed us.

EDWARD POV

I held Bella closer, felt her firmer, her scent wafting. She was mine. I was hers. I was hers, I was hers, I was hers. I couldn't leave her. She loved me first. She loved me first. And damn it, that mattered. That had to matter.

Bella loved me first.

Lia loved me passionately.

Lillianne Marie DuPont. The reason for this feeling.

The ghost in my heart never left. Not since I met her. I could not lay here, not without aching for her. Similarly, I couldn't stay with Lia. Lia made me forget, if only temporarily. Because when I wasn't with Lia, I missed Bella. When I was with Bella, my heart couldn't be there. Not fully. I didn't know where it was, I didn't know where to look.

I was awake. I was cold.