Chapter 9: Porno in Gibbyland

Disclaimer: In the still of the night, in the calm of the innocent man's heartbeat, in a newborn baby's cry, then you will hear the discord as man rises up and says, "if I owned iCarly, don't you think we'd get episodes faster than this?"

Note: If you like this chapter, you can thank insomnia for being able to read it so quickly, since I've been up for the last two hours. If you didn't like it...hey, I couldn't sleep, what did you expect? I really do not have the next chapter written yet, so it won't be posted until tomorrow.

"So...you sure have a lot," Freddie said.

Gibby turned to him. "Oh, yeah, my cousin gives them to me."

"Your cousin...gives you porn?"

"Yeah."

Freddie looked at the file cabinet Gibby had rolled out from his closet. Freddie estimated there had to be at least two-hundred DVDs. Freddie looked at some of the titles: Hot Rod MILFs #23; Big Tittied Teenagers; Bisexual Slumber Party #12. They had watched three different scenes already, and Freddie was pretty sure if he did some of the things he saw in them to Sam, she would rip his balls off.

He had intended to just ask Gibby if he could borrow his computer to look some stuff up, since his mom, Sam, or Carly would not see the history on Gibby's computer. But Gibby wanted to know why Freddie wanted to use it, and when he finally broke down and told him he needed to look at some porn, instead of looking disgusted or insulted, Gibby had gotten a delighted look on his face, dragged Freddie into his bedroom, and pulled the file cabinet out of his closet. When Freddie had inquired about Gibby's mother and brother, Gibby told him they were in Tacoma for a few days.

"So, why would your cousin give you porn?"

"Oh, he gets DVDs every time he makes a movie, so he always gets me a copy."

"Wait a minute, your cousin does porn?"

"Yeah, he was in that first scene we watched."

Freddie picked up the DVD and looked at the back, trying to concentrate on the names, and not the erect penises and impossibly large breasts. "Your cousin is Johnny Hardiron?"

"We just call him Billy. Nobody else in the family knows he does this. Or at least they pretend not to."

"You watch porn with your cousin in it?"

"Well, it's not like you ever really see his face. So mostly you don't even know that he's the guy." Freddie nodded.

Freddie hadn't thought his first time watching porn would be with another guy, and it was making him uncomfortable, especially since watching the scenes was giving him an erection, even though he thought nothing on there was as sexy as Sam.

"You know, it's cool if you are, Freddie, but I'm not gay."

"Wait, what? Huh? I'm not gay."

"That's cool. But if you are, I have some stuff you can watch."

"I'm not gay!" He scooted away from Gibby a little bit. "Wait a minute. If you're not gay, then why do you have gay porn?"

"Always pays to check," Gibby said. This is my last resort for help, Freddie thought. I'm so dead.

"So, Gibby, I guess your cousin talks to you about his work."

"Yeah, every once in a while."

"Do girls really like it when that's done to them?" He gestured to the screen, where the apparently faceless actor was hitting the girl in the face with his penis.

"I guess some might, but not generally. He says they do that because guys like to see that."

"They do?" Freddie tried to imagine doing that to Sam, and he couldn't see how she would let him or why he would want to.

Gibby pressed pause on the DVD player. "Why did you want to watch this stuff, anyway, Freddie?"

"Well, I wanted to kind of see, you know, how to do some stuff," Freddie said. He could feel the heat on his cheeks.

"You haven't watched porn before?"

"Have you met my mother?" Freddie asked.

Gibby nodded. "Good point. Okay, if you're looking for pointers, these are not what you want to study."

"They're not."

"No way. These are made a certain way because the people who buy them want them that way. You've watched the scenes so far. Do you know what's wrong with them?"

"Uh..." Freddie didn't know anything. That was why he had come to Gibby, of all people, for help.

"They're not realistic. There's like three or four guys standing around, watching them do this. And Billy says a lot of the positions they have to do are uncomfortable, but they look good on film, so they have to do it. Billy had to do this one scene where he was carrying the chick while he screwed her. He has to go to a chiropractor now. He also says that he's seen a few guys be blackballed...heh...because they aren't able to stay hard. I guess that's why they have fluffers."

"What's a fluffer?"

"It's a girl they keep around to make sure the guy stays hard as they're getting ready to film a scene. She usually blows the guy, I guess."

"That's a job?" Freddie asked. Do they advertise that, or is just like an understudy position?

"But if you're looking for some advice on how to pleasure your woman..."

"Please never use that phrase again, Gibby."

"Hey, wait...do you have a woman?"

"Uh..."

"Awesome, Freddie. Who is it?"

"Let's just say that I'm needing this information for future reference and leave it at that."

"Okay. Anyway..." He reached under his bed. "Here we go." He pulled out a large container, which contained, Freddie was not surprised to see, more DVDs.

"What's this, Gibby?"

Gibby picked it up one of the DVDs and held it out to Freddie. On the cover was a blonde woman in lingerie being kissed on the neck by a muscular brunette man. The title of the DVD was Lovemaking for the Passionate Couple, Volume 1: Kissing. Freddie looked at the container.

"How many of these are there, Gibby?"

"Twenty-five volumes. If you're looking for what you should do with a woman, unless you're wanting to go into porn, then these are your best bet."

"Okay."

"If you do want to get into porn, Billy offers classes. Pretty reasonable rates, I think."

"I'll keep that in mind. So I guess, you and Tasha...you're not a virgin?"

"Yeah, pretty much still am. We're only up to volume eighteen, but I'm hoping we can get there soon."

"Okay." Freddie looked back at the container with its twenty-five DVDs. He looked back at Gibby, who grinned at him confidentially. Freddie sighed. You're doing this for Sam. Don't you want to make her happy? More than anything. Freddie took out his phone and dialed.

"Hey, Mom, it's me. I'm going to be staying at Gibby's tonight. We working on a project for class." He looked at Gibby, who looked at him with a questioning expression. "No, he doesn't do that anymore. I know, Mom. I promise. I love you, too." He hung up.

"Aw, man, did I forget an assignment?"

"No, Gibs. I'm sorry, I had to tell her that. I really need to be able to see these. I'm sorry, I should have asked you. You probably have plans."

"No, I don't. But I'm not really supposed to have people stay over when my mom's not around."

"I'll order us a pizza," Freddie offered.

"Ooh, pineapple and anchovies?"

"Okay, I'll order us two pizzas."

Freddie ordered the pizza. Gibby wanted to watch the DVDs, but Freddie suggested they do some gaming first. He really didn't want to pay the delivery guy while sporting a hard-on. That reminded him too much of one of the scenes in the porn movie he had watched.

"How long are these DVDs, Gibby?"

"About thirty minutes apiece."

Okay, thirty minutes apiece. Twenty-five DVDs. Twelve and a half hours! He looked at the clock on the wall. It was almost eight already; he would be up until nine in the morning. Of course, his mom was working another double tomorrow, day shift and evening shift, so he should be able to grab some sleep after he left Gibby's. And since it was his turn to tag, he shouldn't have to worry about Sam tagging him, although he wasn't sure what to do if she decided she just wanted to hang out. He would have to come up with something.

"Okay, Gibby, let's put the first one in."

Freddie had thought that viewing pornographic movies with Gibby had been strange; that was nothing compared to the weirdness of watching the new DVDs with him.

Apparently, Gibby felt that DVD-watching was an audience-participation event. During some stretches of viewing, Gibby would provide commentary that sounded eerily like Howard Cosell to Freddie. Freddie actually preferred that to the scenes of the couple, because as soon as Freddie heard the soft, romantic music, he knew that Gibby would be providing the dialogue for the couple. Gibby's vocal choices made it seem like Lurch from The Addams Family was trying to seduce Minnie Mouse. Freddie had thought several times of asking Gibby to stop, but each time he told himself that Gibby was helping him. Not if you have nightmares about it. Because Lurch is so much bigger than Minnie Mouse. Aw, man, now Gibby's making me weird, too.

Gibby overshared, too. Freddie was looking forward to volume nineteen, just so they could get one in which Gibby didn't have to share his personal experience.

"That's important," Gibby said.

"What?"

"To remember that every girl is different. Just because you do something that one girl likes doesn't mean every girl is going to like it." Freddie thought about how good it felt when Sam bit him, but how he had been surprised at how she preferred his touch to be much lighter. "I mean, look at that." He pointed to the screen, where the man was sucking on the woman's breast. "I can't do that with Tasha. Her nipples are too sensitive. I just blow on them gently, and they get hard. And her nipples are huge!" He held his finger and thumb nearly an inch apart. "She has to wear a special bra."

Freddie stared at Gibby. Great, now I'm gonna have to not breathe around Tasha. Wait, I'm not gonna be able to look anywhere near Tasha's breasts without thinking about this. Screw it. I'll just never see Tasha again.

"And Billy says it's even worse on set. Because the actresses have all the power. You know, 'cause everybody wants to see them, and they don't care about the guy, unless he can't get hard. He said that on his third scene he ever did he kissed the girl. But apparently she doesn't kiss on film, and she ended up punching him and breaking his nose. And he was the one who had a hard time getting a job for a while."

Oh, I could do that. I'm used to violence from Sam. Wait...am I thinking about being a porn star? I don't even like changing in the locker room. He looked at Gibby, who seemed to have no problem being half-dressed most of his life. Nope. Don't think that. Get it out of your mind. But his mind had already suggest a title: Full of Gibbbbay!

Volume 8.

With the DVD cover of naked Gibby strategically positioned behind a bent-over naked girl, and giving two thumbs up for the camera.

Oh, god.

"Freddie, what are you doing?"

Freddie looked at Gibby, who was looking at him as if he had punched a baby seal. "Taking notes."

"Taking no...is that a flowchart?"

Freddie looked down. "Yeah."

"You can't flowchart making love, Freddie! It's an art, not computer programming."

"It helps me."

Gibby looked disgusted. "It's gotta be spontaneous, Freddie. You can't program it. 'Insert tab A into slot B'"

Freddie looked at his flowchart. "I'm not inserting 'tabs'. And I'm spontaneous. I just like to have all my options easily accessible."

"What are you going to do with that, anyway? Won't your mom find it?"

"Crap." Freddie thought. "I'll just type it up and encrypt it, maybe write it in Endylsian. My mom will never be able to figure that out."

"What's Endylsian?"

"It's the language on Nug-Nug's home planet. Duh." Freddie looked at Gibby like he had grown a second head. Gibby's look in reply was similar.

"Um, let's just watch the next video."

They watched a few more videos in silence. Occasionally Freddie would scribble something down, and Gibby would give him a dirty look.

"So what about this? You any good at it?"

"What?" Freddie looked at the screen. "Talking dirty? I don't know. It's not something that's really come up."

"Well, try it," Gibby said.

"What?"

"Try it. Tell me you want to fuck my wet pussy."

"I'm not telling you I want to fuck your wet pussy, Gibby. Stop! What are you doing?" Gibby had grabbed his shirt.

"Taking my shirt off. It's hot."

"You're not taking your shirt off while we sit here and watch people have sex."

"But-"

"No. Here, eat the rest of my pizza. I'm not hungry. It will distract you."

"It's really hot. I'm not used to wearing a shirt this long."

Freddie got up and turned on the overhead fan. "There. Now keep your shirt on, shut up, and let's watch some people fuck."

Gibby took a bite of pizza and chewed it thoughtfully. He turned to Freddie. "That was pretty forceful. Some girls find that a real turn-on."

Freddie covered his face with his hand.

"You can skip that one," Freddie said.

"But, why? It's helpful."

Freddie took the DVD and showed the cover to Gibby. "I don't really think I need a lot of help with...fellatio."

"But," Gibby pointed out, "then you'll be able to tell her what you like."

"And when she asks me how I know so much about blowing guys, what am I supposed to say?"

"Oh." Gibby looked thoughtful. "You could tell her tell her other girls did it to you," he said doubtfully.

"Can't. She already knows I haven't been with other girls."

"Okay." Gibby put in the next video. "So there is an actual girl." He grinned.

"Shut up, Gibby."

"Right." Gibby looked upset. Freddie took the remote from him and paused the DVD in the middle of the FBI warning.

"I'm sorry, Gibby. I really appreciate you helping me with this, but I don't want to talk about her. Okay?"

Gibby smiled. "That's cool." Freddie unpaused the DVD.

After volume eighteen, Gibby did in fact quiet down. Freddie glanced over at one point and saw Gibby hide a pad of paper he had been writing on. Freddie smirked at him, and Gibby rolled his eyes.

Freddie's phone buzzed.

Where are u? It was a text from Sam. Freddie thought about what he should reply. He didn't want to lie to Sam, but he couldn't tell her the truth.

At Gibby's. Working on a film project. What are you doing up?

Couldn't sleep, she replied. What kind of film project are you working on with Gibby?

He thought about what to reply, but then Sam texted, Never mnd. Dont want to know what you nerds are doing.

I'm not a nerd.

Yes, you are. It's cute, though. Freddie stared at the screen. Sam had called him cute outside the game. Should he say something about it?

Sam texted again. Don't stay up too late. New steak place. Eat 72 oz stk and get free. Ur taking me! Nub.

Freddie shook his head, laughing. K. Sleep well, princess.

Damn skippy. Freddie smiled.

He looked at Gibby, who was grinning at him. "What?"

"Who was that?"

"Nobody."

"Nobody texted you at three in the morning?"

"Yeah. So let's continue watching."

"I'm just saying you were grinning like this crazy baboon I saw at the zoo once. It was throwing poo everywhere. They had to tranquilize it."

"Gibby, can we watch?"

"Okay," Gibby said. He pressed play, and then turned to Freddie. "So you're, like, actually in love with her? This mystery girl?"

"Shut up, Gibby," Freddie said, quietly.

"Awesome."

A/N: I know that was a little shorter than the other chapters, but there's only so much Gibby you can take before you burst from excitement. This was a bit of a break from the flow of the story, but I really needed to cover Freddie's knowledge gap, and this just seemed liked the most fun way. I have to say that I've probably laughed harder writing this than anything I've ever written before. I hope everybody else got a chuckle from it. If you didn't, just look at it as me being weird and feel relieved that the next chapter goes back to the Sam and Freddie dynamic.

I know I said that Sam didn't make an appearance in this chapter; I wasn't really counting texting, so...she sort of did.

Thank you for reviews from: MissSeddie, Kechara7881, SeddieBenett, S. Benson, december1992, axel100, Vetiver, Darsnider, Princess Starlight, myjumpingsocks, melb102, clarksonfan, and Moviepal.

axel100: I'm sure Carly has the best of intentions, if not the most gracious techniques.

Princess Starlight: Maybe you understand now why writing this chapter brought out the perversity factor. And as for what Freddie will do next...well, he didn't spend an entire night watching porno with Gibby for nothing.

clarksonfan: As I informed the violence-threatening princess above you, this chapter has thrown my thought process into overdrive, and when I read your 'Gibby? What does he know about giving a woman an orgasm?', completely unbidden came a quote from him in "iKiss". So thanks for that, as I think I threw up in my mouth a little. And if you think I'm sick because I thought of that quote, well, look in the mirror, because you knew which one I was writing about. Pervert!