Lies of The Beautiful

Orihime is staring at me again with that look in her eyes that I can't exactly place and that I'm not exactly sure that I like. It reminds me of a starving dog, you know? That wide eyed look that they get when they see something edible and start to drool all over the place but you can't really give them all of it because they have to eat it in small doses because if not they will get sick all over the place. Yeah, that's her. Sans the drooling, of course.

It's unnerving. I want to snap at her to cut it out and stop acting like such a... oh. I don't even have the word for it. It just bugs me.

And then she's leaning forward and pressing her lips to mind and for a second I don't react because I have forgotten what I should be doing. And I don't mean that her kiss is so mind blowing that I lose functioning of my brain, but more of a 'I'm frozen in shock because I wasn't exactly prepared for her to kiss me.'

I wonder if that's normal. Do most people have to prepare themselves to kiss another person? The first time sure, but that's due to nerves. This... I don't really know the reasoning behind this, but it doesn't really matter because I'm pressing back and cupping the back of her head with my left hand because I know she wants this and I know that it makes her feel better to be kissed back. I don't really know why she needs reassurance by kissing, but it seems to ease her worries and I don't like her worried so...

She tastes like mouth. I don't know how else to describe it. You know, when your exhaling through your mouth while working your jaw and licking the roof of your mouth as if something tasty is within reach? That taste? Yeah, that's it. It's not really pleasant but I let it go because what else are kisses supposed to taste like? Freakin' chocolate covered strawberries? Yeah, didn't think so.

Any ways, we're kissing and she's moving her hand up my thigh towards my crotch and I don't exactly know what she's wanting so I just let it happen. I mean, she's the only girl I have ever kissed that way, and so it stands to reason that she is the only one who has touched me in that way either. I don't know if she's a virgin or not, but she doesn't seem like she is. I actually have this sick idea in my head that she let Ulquiorra teach her the wonders of being a woman, and what sex is all about, but I try not to think about that too much because then my mind wanders to Aizen and the after image of those fucking eyes that I hate are burning into my head and destroys whatever mood I'm in.

I really need to find a way to stop thinking about those eyes.

She's tugging on my pants, unbuttoning them and then they are halfway down my thighs and I'm not exactly sure when she had managed to do all that with my butt pressed firmly against the couch but I choose to ignore it in favor of running my hands through her long hair. She looks up to me with a tiny smile and her eyes are shining with joy and I don't have the heart to stop her from what she is doing and where she is going.

Her lips are nice. She's not a very good kisser, somewhat nervous and sloppy, but she knows how to put them to use when they are around an erection. It should be an enticing, erotic sight but I find that all I can do is watch her with a blank stare on my face as she attempts to coax my flacid member into some sort of response with her fingers and lips and tongue. I feel bad, if only because I know it hurts her feelings that I can't get up right now. It's really not her fault.

Back to the emptiness in the pit of my stomach.

I mean, who doesn't get aroused with a large busty woman sucking them off? It should be especially exciting for me, seeing as it's the first blowjob I have ever had in my entire life, but I just can't focus. Literally. My eyes are focused on a small book shelf set off behind the couch and I squint to try and read the titles decorating the spines of the books whenever the soft lips leave me and I turn to look at her again.

Her eyes are pleading now. Begging. I hate puppy dog eyes, they make me irritable. It's not her fault, not at all. But I can't bring myself to say that either and soon she stands up with a dejected sigh and moves towards the small kitchen as I stand up and redo my pants, not at all frustrated or angry that I have't gotten off. She really shouldn't feel bad. I can't even get up whenever I try to masturbate myself, so... again. No fault of hers.

She finishes dinner and we eat in silence and when I'm done I kiss her quick on the lips and mutter my good night to her before leaving. She fought back tears throughout the strange cuisine and I couldn't help but to feel a tinge of anger at myself and regret for not trying to react but, still. Maybe she really is better off as just a friend.

Yeah.

I think I will break up with her tomorrow.

...

Everyone is a little mad at me.

It's because I broke up with Orihime. Apparently I really hurt her feelings because Rukia came out of nowhere the following day with a look of murderous rage on her features, squaking in a high pitched voice about how insensitive I am and how I needed to get my priorities straight and some other stuff that I really wasn't paying attention to.

I guess she could be right. I did break up with Orihime in the middle of school after all. Right between my first class and my second class where everyone has like, five fucking minutes to get to their locker and run through the door. No wonder so many people are always getting sent home with injuries. With everyone jostling about and deathly afraid of being late and getting detention, I guess it's sort of a common experience. I myself have gotten at least three nosebleeds. Though I don't think two of them count because I'm pretty sure an elbow flying at your face isn't something accidental. Ah well.

Tatsuki got me during lunch while I was sitting outside enjoying the sunshine and altogether uncaring about my surroundings. And I mean she really got me. Her foot came out of freaking no where, right across my jaw. I went sprawling out on the ground, looking up at her in surprise as I lifted a hand up to assess the damage done. It was tender. It would bruise horribly. She was screaming at me at the top of her lungs about how dick-ish I was and how I should just go to Hell. I guess I deserve that too. In fact, I don't really blame her at all.

Ishida gave me this cold shoulder that could freeze a whole country, I swear I saw the tendrils of cold coming off of him and reaching my way. But that could just be my imagination after all. Mizuru and Keigo just kind of skirt around me, as if they are afraid that I'm going to burst into a fit of apopoliptic rage at any moment. I wonder if my scowl is unusually deep.

Chad's was the worst, by far. I know he didn't mean to hurt me. After all, we made that pledge that we would always have each others' backs and I know I dont plan on skivving on that promise anytime soon, but darn if his words didn't cut deep. He just looked at me with that one somber eye and, quietly, "We don't know who you are anymore Ichigo."

That's my fault, really. If only he knew how true his words were and still are. They have no idea how different I am from the person I used to be a year ago. Can they really blame me? I mean, they weren't the ones. I hate to think this way, but all Orihime did was get taken captive and fed and kept tucked away in a little room by herself as the rest of us barged into Hueco Mundo to save her. And the others, they had help when fighting their opponents. Ishida has a one up on them in that department, but really, they still just have no idea. All they saw was the aftermath of the real battle. All they did was sit around and help heal people and cry and worry.

What do they know about what I went through?

What did Rukia know when she was off doing whatever and I was hammering away with no humanity in sight with Ulquiorra? What did Ishida and Orihime know as she cringed away from me and I saved her life? What did Chad and everyone else know as those fucking eyes stared up at me like they did and I knew that I would no longer be able to speak to Zangetsu ever again, or no longer get into antagonizing banter with Shiro because I had taken that last, dreadful step into the point of no return?

What did they know when I was thinking I might actually die with Grimmjow's clawed hands wrapped around my throat, that mad gleam in his eye?

Grimmjow.

Ah, we've reached the crux of the problem.

We're in that underground room of Urahara's again. I don't know why I keep coming back. It's been about a week now and, surprisingly, Urahara found a way to make a Gigai for Grimmjow though I'm not exactly sure why he has done it. It's not like he plans on letting Grimmjow out in Karakara town to play.

But Grimmjow isn't wearing his gigai right now because we are engaged in a battle, again, and he is giving off that crazy laugh that makes Shiro seem kind of tame, now that I think back on it. His wide, glazed eyes are staring at me and matching the feral grin on his face. His wild blue hair is swaying with every move and I find myself wondering if it feels like normal human hair or if it is soft and yet still coarse, like animal hair.

He's mocking me. I don't exactly know why he says what he says, but it rings clear as day between us for only us to hear because no one else is around.

"You're fuckin' weak, Kurosaki. I can taste it in yer blood. Yer pathetic dwindlin' of power ev'ry time ya fight with ev'rythin' you've got. Yer Nothin'!"

I guess I shouldn't react to his taunting but it makes me so inexplicably angry that I hurdle myself at him with a roar of vengeance, my eyes wide and blazing. He likes that, apparently, because we're off again just as quickly, dancing in that way that only fighters can dance. I'm sweating by now. A bead of it has rolled down my temple into my eye and it stings but it's not too bad.

We are fighting, and my mind is raging... and my chest feels as if it will burst with the anger and frustration building within it from his too-true words.

I'm going to die weak.

I'm so ashamed.

...

Hope you like this chapter. Wrote it during a hurricane, I did. Poor Orihime… poor Ichigo.