Chapter 16

Tim woke up later that day. He though he was alone at first. He panicked a little as he looked around at the unfamiliar surroundings. Then, his eyes fastened on Abby sleeping on an air mattress near his bed. He relaxed although it took him a few minutes to remember what had happened earlier. Then, he tried to sit up and had to bite his lip to not scream as his body protested any movement. The pain medication he'd been on had obviously worn off. His whole body felt like it was on fire. He laid back down, pressing his face into the pillow to muffle his groans. Tears sprang to his eyes as he fought back the pain.

"You awake, McGee?"

Gulping back the tears, Tim dropped the pillow and tried to nod without letting Gibbs see how much pain he was in. It didn't work. Gibbs walked over to the bed and sat down.

"How bad does it hurt?"

"I'm okay," he whispered, knowing perfectly well that Gibbs could see that he wasn't.

Gibbs just raised his eyebrows and wordlessly held out a bottle of pills and a glass of water.

Tim looked at them and saw that they were prescription pain pills. Even the act of reaching out for them seemed too much. Finally, he gritted his teeth and sat up, taking the pills from Gibbs. Then, he had to hand them back.

"What?"

"I can't open the bottle, boss. I can't use my arm." He tried to say it as nonchalantly as possible.

"Okay." Gibbs opened the bottle and shook out a couple of pills.

Wincing, Tim took them and the glass. He told himself that this would help and that it did him no good to act so weak. Still, he nearly the dropped the glass.

"Thanks, boss."

"Don't mention it." He walked back toward the stairs. Then, he turned. "Oh, and McGee?"

"Yes, boss?"

"If you're in pain, you don't need to hide it."

"Okay."

The next few days passed without incident. Tim started feeling better and he could walk around on his own without feeling as though he'd pass out. However, he continued to put off taking the pills as long as possible, trying to make himself stronger. Then, one morning, Abby woke up to find him working feverishly at his computer.

"McGee, what are you doing?"

"I can't remember it, Abby. It's right there and I can't remember." He was almost in tears.

"Remember what?"

"I broke the cipher on the Dobson files. I did it for him, and I can't remember what I did. I can't remember. Why can't I remember?"

"It'll come back, McGee. Just give it time."

"No. There's no time. I have to figure this out."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I-I just have to."

Abby crouched next to him. She touched his shoulder gently. He flinched away.

"Tim, what's wrong?"

"I can't do it. I know what I have to do, and I can't do it. I keep seeing the screen. He's always right behind me. He knows what it is, and I can't remember! He's always there, waiting. I can't get it wrong." Tim's voice took on a hysterical edge and got louder as he kept typing. "He told me I had to and I did. Now that I need to do it again to help, to do my job, I'm failing again. It's like a song that keeps repeating in my head, but I don't know all the words. I have to do it. I have to figure it out, Abby!"

Abby took the laptop from him and closed it. Tim offered a weak resistance, but nothing more. Then, Abby held out her arms. Tim looked at her for a second then crushed her to him. He began weeping hysterically. "I can't remember, Abby," he said over and over. She just held him and let him sob. She looked up and saw Gibbs, Tony and Ziva watching from the top of the stairs. They all looked solemn, not even Tony thought there was anything humorous in McGee's breakdown. Abby just shook her head and they all left so Tim wouldn't know they had seen what happened.

Still crying, Tim pulled away. "Sorry, Abbs," he said with embarrassment. "I c-can't seem to–" he trailed off.

"Tim, it's okay."

"I'm not usually so much of a wimp." He smiled tremulously.

"You're not a wimp. I think you bruised my ribs hugging me." She smiled and his smile got a little wider.

"How long am I going to be here?"

"I don't know. Gibbs didn't say."

"I can't stay here forever."

"I know. We've been switching off going to work, trying to find Robertson. He seemed such a minor player until now. I don't know what caused the switch. I mean, he probably killed three different people before he took you."

Surprised, Tim asked, "What do you mean? Who did he kill?"

"Dobson for one. And then, you remember that murder-suicide you were working on about a month ago?"

"Yeah."

"It probably was a double murder... by Robertson. Ducky thinks he tortured them first for the same information he was trying to get from you."

"Why?"

"I don't know, yet. He picked you out awhile ago though. He even hired someone to find things about you."

"It doesn't make sense."

"Well, you told us that there was more to the Dobson files than we thought."

"I did?"

"Yes, don't you remember?"

"Everything is a blur. I know things happened," he paused and shuddered, "but I can't seem to separate what he did from what I did. Tell me about Robertson."

"He has an FBI file. It was opened because they suspected he might have ties to an arms smuggling ring, but about three years ago he dropped off the radar. The FBI doesn't have any more information about him since then, but he was never suspected as a murderer."

Tim's face went blank. "He enjoyed it."

"Enjoyed what?"

"What he did to me. He liked doing it. That's one of the reasons he wanted you to see it."

"Tim..."

He shook his head, as if to clear it. "No, I'm okay. Forget it."

Abby continued to watch him, but for the rest of the day, he appeared to have pushed the incident out of his mind. Then, the next morning, Gibbs woke up and found that he was gone. There was only a note left behind. It said that he needed to remember.

"Tony!"

"Yeah, boss?"

"Where's McGee?"

"He's not down there?"

"No, DiNozzo. Why do you think I'm asking?"

"What's going on, Gibbs?" Ziva asked.

"McGee's gone."

"Where's Abby?"

Gibbs looked around. "Abby!"

No response.

"Where would he go?" Ziva asked.

Gibbs thought a moment. Then, he said, "The note he left said he needed to remember. He must have gone somewhere specific. I can think of three choices: his apartment, NCIS or back to the warehouse."

"You think Abby is with him?"

"Either with him or following him. Let's go."

"Right."

----------------------------------------

"You sure this is the right place?" the cab driver had asked a few hours earlier.

"I'm sure," Tim had answered. Then, he had walked aimlessly, trying to find the last warehouse where Tony had said they found him. When he saw it, he walked to it, but had then stared at the doorway, not wanting to go into that room again. Finally, he ducked under the police tape, marking the crime scene, and went inside. It didn't look frightening, even by the limited beam of the flashlight, but the memory of his time here made Tim's steps falter. There was the hook and the tub and the chair. They were still there. Something about this place and his experience had made him realize what the encryption was hiding. He had known, but now he'd forgotten. The only thing he had to offer NCIS was his technological abilities, and he was letting everyone down by failing time after time. He had to remember.

He put the computer down on the table and stared at it. "What am I missing?" he said aloud. Tim paced back and forth, occasionally stopping at the computer to stare at the files again.

"What am I doing wrong?" he shouted. In a fit of rage, he grabbed the chair, ignoring the protest of his injured muscles, and threw it as hard as he could across the room. It didn't go very far, but it made him feel better.

Time passed unnoticed. Tim stared at the files, those incomprehensible files, and felt completely useless. Robertson had been right. He was a failure. He couldn't do anything right. He couldn't even help solve the case. What was the point of trying to pretend otherwise? He seemed to have lost every skill he'd had, leaving only a shell behind. He walked as far away from the computer as he could and collapsed to his knees as the weight of his failure came crushing down on him.

---------------------------------------------------

"I'm sorry, Gibbs. I woke up and saw that he was gone. I thought for sure he'd come to the lab so that he could work on the case," Abby said on the phone.

"Why didn't you wake anyone up and how did you sneak by Ziva?"

"I just walked out; I didn't sneak. I figured if I could find him and find out what he was doing then no one would have to know. He feels like a failure, Gibbs."

Gibbs sighed. "Well, we're at his apartment and he's not here either. That leaves the warehouse. We'll head over there now."

"I'll meet you there."

"No. Go back to my place and wait in case he comes back."

"Okay," Abby agreed, but she sounded a little disgruntled.

"I mean it, Abby."

"Okay, Gibbs."

When they pulled up to the warehouse, they saw a flashlight on the ground. The interior was bathed in the dim glow of the computer screen. Cautiously, the three pulled out their weapons and went in. The computer was sitting on a table, but McGee wasn't there. Gibbs silently directed Tony and Ziva to fan out and check the entire warehouse, both for McGee and for anyone else who might be there.

"All clear, boss."

"You see McGee yet?"

Ziva called out from one corner, "I found him!"

Gibbs and Tony ran over and saw Tim sitting against a wall, his knees drawn up to his chest, his eyes vacant and staring. Tony knelt down in front of him and waved his hand in front of Tim's face. There was no reaction.

"McGee?" Tony shook him. "You in there, McGee?"

No response.

Gibbs knelt down as well. He leaned over and looked into Tim's eyes. "It's okay, McGee," he said.

Finally, to Tony's relief, Tim blinked and focused on Gibbs' face. He made a vague gesture. "I-it's right there, boss. Can't you see it? I-it's right there. It's so close I can feel it, but I just can't reach it. I thought I could find it here, but it's gone. It's all gone."

"What's gone, McGee?"

"The answers," he said. Then, without warning, he pushed himself up, causing Gibbs and Tony to fall back a little, and started pacing frantically back and forth. "Did you know that I could do it for him? For Robertson? I was sitting in front of his computer, he was standing right behind me. He was right there, ready to kill me or torture me. I felt dead already, but I stared at the screen and I saw what I'd been missing. Everything was clear. I knew what it was. I was tied to this stupid chair," Tim stopped and kicked it as hard as he could. "But I could still see it. Now, I'm free. I'm-I'm free, and I can't do anything right anymore. Why?"

"McGee!" Tim ignored Gibbs and kept walking back and forth. Gibbs grabbed him. Tim struggled for a minute then stopped, but he kept looking away. "Look at me, McGee!"

Tim couldn't fight the habit of obeying Gibbs. He looked into Gibbs' eyes, his own eyes welling with unwanted tears. "Why, boss?" he whispered.

"I don't know, McGee. But you don't have to remember it all now. Give yourself some time. But if you don't stop this running around, I'll be forced to lock you in my basement. The files can wait."

Tim began to calm down, but as soon as Gibbs slackened his grip, he pulled away. "No, they can't wait. Robertson is still out there. He's getting away with it, boss. I can't let him do that. I can't. Abby said he killed three people. If we don't stop him, who will be next? We don't even know why he's killing them, but we know it has something to do with Dobson and his files. That's the lead. Th-that's wh-what I have to solve."

Gibbs grabbed him again. "McGee, stop!" Tim struggled to keep moving. "Just stop! You and I both know that Robertson and Dobson aren't the reason you're here. You're here for yourself. You're trying to find what you think you've lost. You know you've changed and you think you can't be what you were before. And it's true. You can't be the same. You can never be the same; it's impossible after what happened to you." Tim tried to get away again at the mention of his kidnaping. Gibbs held his shoulders tightly. "You're trying to keep yourself from thinking about it by letting the case fill your every thought. You're letting the need to solve one problem consume you so you don't have to acknowledge it. But you can't run away from what happened, Tim. You can't pretend it didn't happen and you can't ignore it." When Tim tried to fight him again, Gibbs shook him gently and made eye contact. "You were tortured, Tim." Tim looked away. "Look at me!" Tim looked up, the tears now running down his cheeks. "You were kidnaped and tortured, forced betray yourself and your country. You feel like a failure for giving in, like you should have been stronger, more ready for what happened. You are not a failure, Tim. You are an NCIS agent who was chosen for a job and has done his best in every aspect of that job. I understand that you don't want to believe that there was nothing you could have done differently, but it's true. Neither I nor Tony nor Ziva could have anticipated what Robertson was willing to do to break you. It's no slight against you that he succeeded. That's what torture does. Do you hear me, McGee?" When Tim didn't respond, he shook him a little and repeated, "Do you hear me, McGee?"

"Yes, boss," Tim whispered, all fight gone. He sagged a little in Gibbs' grip but didn't fall. "I'm so tired."

"Okay, McGee. Come on." Gibbs slung his arm over his shoulders and guided McGee out of the warehouse. Tony stopped to pick up the laptop while Ziva watched to make sure no one had tracked them there.

They headed back to Gibbs' house, taking care that no one was following them. The ride back had been silent. Tim had just stared out the window and no one else could think of anything to say. When they arrived, Abby was waiting on the porch. She jumped up as the van stopped. When Tim got out, she ran up and hugged him.

"Tim, don't you ever go out somewhere without telling me. I was worried sick!"

"Sorry, Abbs," Tim said quietly. He walked into the house and down to the basement. By the time they all got there, he was apparently asleep on the bed.

Gibbs turned to Tony and Ziva and said, "If either of you tries to give him any grief over this, you're gone."

"I wouldn't dream of it, boss."

"Ziva?"

"Never."

"Good. Abby, when he wakes up, if he wants to work on those files again, let him but keep it limited. Let's see if we can ease him back into it because he's right. We need to know what Dobson was hiding, and McGee knows but can't let it out right now."

"Gibbs, McGee needs more than time. Torture can't be overcome with just time. He needs help, probably more help than any of us can give him."

"Maybe you're right, Ziva, but we can't do that right now. If he hasn't compromised the location already, we take a chance by letting others know. McGee is not only a part of the team, he's the only witness who is still alive and talking."

They all looked at Tim's prone form, then scattered to their respective positions.