Chapter 18

When they got to NCIS headquarters, Tim went to Abby's lab and threw himself into analyzing Dobson's files. He ignored any suggestion that he slow down or take a break. At first, Abby tried to get him to stop, but then as she realized the futility of such an attempt, she shrugged and started to help him out. But when evening came and Tim showed no sign of stopping, she decided to put her foot down.

"Tim, you've spent nearly 24 hours working on this. It's time for a break."

He didn't respond.

"Tim!" When he didn't answer, Abby physically pulled his hands away from the computer and turned him around to face her. "Yo! Tim, you need to stop now."

"I don't want to stop, Abby."

"You need some sleep."

"No. I don't want to sleep." He was exhausted she could see, but there was an edge of fear behind his words.

"Why not?"

"I-I, I just don't want to."

"Come on, McGee. You can tell me."

Tim turned away. "I'm afraid to close my eyes. I'm afraid that when I open them again, it will be dark and I'll be back in that warehouse."

"Tim..."

"I'm so tired, Abby. I'm tired of being afraid and I'm tired of having to hide. But most of all, I'm just tired."

Abby hugged him. "Tim, you won't be back there. You're safe with me." His arms tightened around her.

"I can't bear the thought of even seeing him, let alone if he found me again."

"He won't find you. I've got you, Tim." Still keeping a hold of him, Abby led him to the futon in her office. She sat down next to him and leaned his head on her shoulder. "Sit here and relax." Tim's breathing slowed as he calmed down and edged toward sleep. He slumped against Abby and she gently laid him down. She stood for a minute. He stirred and she sat down again. "I'm here, Tim," she whispered into his ear and he stopped moving.

"He's asleep?" Tony asked from the doorway.

"For the moment. I don't know how long it will last though." She stood carefully and left Tim laying on the bed.

"Have you guys found anything indicating a location yet?"

"Not yet. If we ever find Robertson, the trial will be a cinch though. Dobson detailed every aspect of Robertson's operation and also listed contacts he was going to try to get to. It's no wonder he wanted the files."

"We haven't had any luck either. Robertson may as well be a ghost for all the traces he's left. We don't even know if that's his real name. Gibbs isn't happy about it."

"I'm sure he's not."

"Who's not what?" Gibbs asked.

"You're not happy about not knowing where Robertson is, boss."

"You're right. But I'm more unhappy about the fact that Leonard Bourdan has escaped from custody."

"What? When did that happen?"

"He was being transferred to federal custody and someone engineered an escape."

"Great."

"Well, two people are harder to hide than one."

"But if they get out of the country, we're back at square one."

"So was it Robertson at your place this morning or Bourdan, boss?"

"I didn't see him. What do you think, Ziva?"

"It could have been either one. They have similar builds, but Robertson has been a lot more careful than that up to now."

"Well, you and Tony go and check out his place again. I'm sure neither one will be there, but maybe they stopped by. Then, see what you can find about them."

"On it, boss."

Left alone, Abby and Gibbs looked over at Tim, still sleeping.

"How's he doing, Abby?"

"He keeps saying he's tired, but he's afraid to sleep. He doesn't want to talk about it and he doesn't want to think about it. I couldn't stop him from working until just before Tony came in. But he's thinking more clearly about computer stuff."

They were interrupted by Tim sitting up and shouting, "He's here!"

Abby hurried over. "No, Tim. He's not here. It's just me and Gibbs."

"McGee," Gibbs said sternly.

"Yes, boss?" Tim responded, guiltily as if Gibbs had caught him slacking off.

"Come with me."

"Okay." He looked, terrified, at Abby. She just smiled and shooed him off. As he followed after Gibbs, Abby turned back to the computer and started looking for more information on Robertson.

"Sit down, McGee." Gibbs had taken him to an interrogation room and now pointed at a chair.

"Okay." McGee sat down. He had the hunched, guilty look every suspect had when he sat in front of Gibbs. Gibbs, for his part, stared at Tim trying to read him as he did suspects. The fear was still there as well as the discomfort Tim always displayed in Gibbs' presence.

After a few minutes of silence, during which Tim never looked up or shifted position, Gibbs said, "Tell me, McGee."

"Tell you what, boss?"

"Tell me what happened."

"You saw what happened. Abby told me that there was a streaming video."

"I only saw it. Tell me what happened. I want to hear it from you."

Tim didn't speak.

"That wasn't a request, McGee!"

A hint of rebellion flared in Tim's eyes as he looked up at Gibbs. "Where would you like me to start, boss?"

"From the beginning. I want to know it all. How did he get you?"

The rebellion died and Tim dropped his head. "He got me at my apartment. He left the door ajar so I'd think there was someone inside. I drew my gun and went in looking for any sign of an intruder."

"Why didn't you call anyone?"

"I wanted to handle it myself. It could have just been that I left my door open when I left that morning. I didn't want to have you guys show up and have it be nothing. It had been a bad enough day as it was and besides, it was nearly midnight."

"You didn't leave until midnight?"

"I hadn't made any progress. I kept thinking that if I just tried once more, I'd get the breakthrough." He shrugged and winced. "It didn't work."

"So, you went in?"

"Yeah. I looked around, but then I sensed someone behind me. I started to turn, but he hit me in the head."

"So he wasn't even in your apartment?"

"No. I guess not. Did anything get taken?"

"Not that we could tell, but it's your stuff. Go on."

"I woke up in the warehouse, I guess. I was blindfolded until he had me working on the computer, but the room felt different."

"What do you mean?"

"When I woke up, I could tell I wasn't in my apartment, that I was in a bigger, more empty room. I could also feel him there near me. He didn't move for awhile. He always kept me tied up." So far, Tim was speaking in such a way that he dislocated himself from the events he was recounting, as if it was someone else's experience. It kept him from facing it. That wasn't what Gibbs wanted. Tim had to face it head on and realize that he was still okay even with what happened.

"How did you feel, Tim?"

Startled by the interruption, Tim asked, "What?"

"How did you feel?"

"I-I don't know." That stammer was back again.

"Yes, you do."

Unable to stay still, Tim stood up and walked away from Gibbs. "I-I felt... confused at first."

"Why?"

"I wasn't very coherent, and I couldn't think why I was there. Why would someone kidnap me? What good would that do?"

"And then?"

"Then, as he kept... standing there. He was so c-close to me. I was a-afraid, but the first time he hit me, it was a complete surprise. I-I didn't really think it was real until then."

"Sit down, McGee."

"What? Oh." Tim came back to the table and sat down. "That first time was the worst. I-I didn't know I could hurt that much and not die. After awhile I kind of tried to separate myself from what was happening."

"How?"

"I tried to shut myself down. I felt it, but I tried to pretend it was happening to someone else."

"Did it work?"

"No. Not until he had me at the computer. I was so sure I was going to die that I didn't care what he did. I just hoped he'd kill me quickly." Tim looked away.

"Did you want to die?"

Tim didn't answer right away. He stood up again and walked to the mirror, wondering briefly who was on the other side of it today. He looked at himself in the mirror and saw the stranger that was always in his reflection.

"I don't see myself in the mirror anymore, boss."

"What do you mean?"

"Sometimes, I recognize myself, but sometimes I think I did die in the warehouse and a stranger is all that's left."

"Is that what you want?"

"Yes," Tim answered, but hurriedly amended his answer. "That is, I wanted to die when I was there."

"Why?"

"I knew what he wanted me to do was wrong and I knew that I shouldn't do it."

"But?"

"But all I could think about when I was there was that if I did what he said, he would kill me or at least stop beating me."

"Did it work?"

"No." Tim was shaking a little, but his eyes were empty. "It never stopped. He didn't let me sleep. He didn't let me eat. Usually he didn't touch me when I was working for him. He would leave me alone, but even when he didn't hit me, the pain was still there. If I could just have done exactly what he wanted, I would have been fine. But I n-never could. I never could. And I-I wanted to. But I couldn't do it."

Gibbs was silent, absorbing Tim's words. He was surprised when he turned around again.

"Boss?"

"What, McGee?"

"Who do you see? I-I mean when you look in the mirror. D-do you see yourself or a stranger?"

Gibbs stared at Tim without answering. With all the upheaval he'd had in his own life, he sometimes wondered that he didn't see himself as a stranger. He wasn't angry, but he knew why Tim was asking the question and he didn't know how to explain what he saw.

Immediately, Tim backed off again. "I-I'm sorry, boss. It's none of my business."

Gibbs sat for a moment longer then stood and walked over to stand by Tim. He looked at himself in the mirror and then turned to him and said, "I see myself, McGee. I've changed over the last few months, but it's still me in the mirror. What do you see right now?"

"I don't want it to be me."

"Why?"

Tim turned away from the mirror. "I don't like who I see."

Gibbs looked at him shrewdly. "McGee, have you ever liked who you see in the mirror?"

He didn't answer.

"Well?"

Suddenly, Tim was angry. He backed away from the mirror, his voice shaking with uncontrolled rage. "Why are you asking me these things? Is someone on the other side of the mirror just waiting for me to break down again? Are they waiting to have something else to use against me? Is this just another game? Why are you doing this to me? Why can't you just leave me alone? Just let me go!"

Gibbs could see the fear hiding behind Tim's anger. "Who do you think you're talking to, Tim? Me or Robertson?"

Tim stopped, then backed away from Gibbs, horrified at his lapse. He nearly collapsed into the chair and dropped his head to the table.

"Who, Tim? Who were you yelling at just now?" Gibbs asked softly.

Tim whispered, "It wasn't you."

"How often do you forget where you are?"

Tim didn't answer.

Gibbs sat down across from him again. "Does it happen a lot?"

"Sometimes."

"Tell me."

In a halting voice, his head still cradled in his arms, Tim said, "Usually, it's when I'm waking up or when I'm falling asleep. If I've been alone for a long time, when someone comes, I think it's him. I dream about it, but I don't know that I'm dreaming. If I close my eyes, I'm afraid to open them because I'm afraid that if I do, it will still be dark, that I'll be back. Every person I see, I think it's him. Now, twice he's come after me again. This last time, someone could have been hurt. I feel like I'm a liability. What if Abby or you or Tony or Ziva were to get hurt because he was coming after me? I'm afraid, boss."

"Tim, look at me." Tim lifted his head and reluctantly looked at Gibbs. "Why didn't you say something before?"

"I didn't want to be weak."

Gibbs sighed with frustration. "You're not weak, Tim. You're not a liability. I wouldn't keep you on my team if I didn't think you were an asset. Remember that."

"I wanted to die."

"What?"

"You asked me before if I wanted to die when I was being tortured. I did. I wanted to die. I didn't even want to be rescued. I just wanted to die."

"Why?"

"It was too much. Too much pain, too much darkness, too much fear, too much of everything. I wanted it all to stop. Even if you found me, you couldn't stop the pain. It would have kept going, and I didn't want it anymore."

Gibbs nodded silently. "I understand, Tim. And I wish I could give you the time you need to get over all this, but I can't. There's too much at stake here. Do you understand?"

"Yes, boss."

"Good." Without another word, Gibbs stood and left the room. After a minute or two, Tim got up and went back to the lab. Abby smiled at him, but he didn't respond. He went to Abby's office and laid down on the bed. In seconds, he was asleep. Abby stared at his sleeping form with a look of concern. Gibbs came up behind her.

"He's asleep?"

"Yes. It was weird. He just came in and fell asleep."

"He's just tired, Abbs. Hopefully, he'll stay asleep this time."

"I hope you're right, Gibbs."

So softly that he seemed to be talking to himself Gibbs said, "Me, too."