Darling Kate
It's my fault. That's why I cannot allow myself to wallow in self pity. When you first told me about your mother's case, the first thing I did was persuade Esposito to take me down to the archives and show me the file. I took it. I was arrogant. What on earth made me think I would be able to solve the case?
I had already found the information about the method used to kill your mother when I came to you about reopening your mother's case. You told me that if I touched the case, we were done. That's why I hesitated in telling you. I didn't want to; I was ready to drop it. I knew how the information would hurt you. My mother told me that I had to tell you. I was terrified that I would lose you, but I told you anyway.
It broke you. I'm so sorry. You took me back, which I did not deserve. You were right when you said I opened your mother's case for me. I wanted to prove my worth. I did it for you as well, or I thought I did. I never thought about how I might break you. I will never understand why you took me back.
Then you had to kill the one link you had to the man who ordered the hit on your mother to save my sorry ass. I didn't want you to do it. I would have died for you then, you know. I wanted him to shoot me, so you could have some chance of finding the guy behind your mother's murder.
When I told you I was going to go, I hope you know I felt like my heart was being torn apart. I never wanted to leave you, but I thought it would be easier to go than for you to have to ask me to leave. When you said those things, about how you were used to having me around and you wanted me around when you caught the sons of bitches behind your Mom's death, I could have cried with relief. That was the first time you'd given me any indication that my presence wasn't the bane of your existence.
Everything went quiet for a long time, Kate, almost a year. Then when Raglan wanted to tell you something, and you told him I was someone you trusted, I felt so unworthy.
WhenIsawthebloodonyourshirtIthoughtyou'dbeenshot. I said that. I didn't say myheartstopped. I didn't say itwoulddestroymeifsomethinghappenedtoyou. I didn't say Iloveyou. I thought all of those things. I hope you could hear the unspoken sentiment in what I did say.
God dammit Kate, that kiss. I think we both know it wasn't a ruse. That moan that you let escape, it almost brought me to my knees. Your taste is indescribable, but I could recognise it anywhere. That was without a doubt the most intense and incredible kiss of my life.
I punched the shit out of Lockwood to save you. I could have killed him in that moment Kate. I could have taken his life with my bare hands. You wrapped my hand for me, and that was the first time I told you always. I almost told you I love you right then, but I remembered Josh. Demming drove me away from you, but by the time Josh came around nothing on earth could have driven me from you.
So I bit my tongue, and I watched him love you. I watched you go home to him and I pretended you didn't take a piece of my heart with you every time you left.
I asked you to walk away. I know it was wrong. Your father and Montgomery both told me that I was the only person that could get you to step down, but even then I hated myself.
What right did I have to ask you to walk away? I was the one that opened the case in the first place. I was the one that dragged you back into it. I had no right to turn around and ask you to walk away from the case I led you to.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, love. You were justified when you told me to leave. You said ifyou'reverylucky,youfindsomeonewillingtostandwithyou. You looked at me when you said it. I hope you know that I would stand with you, even if everyone else on the planet was against you, I would be there. Even if you killed a man, I would support you.
I'm sorry. Kate, it's my fault. It's my fault you're gone. I don't understand how your father has forgiven me. I don't understand why your friends and family don't despise me the way I despise myself. I'm so sorry.
I miss you, I need you, I love you.
Rick