Darling Kate

Today, Alexis chose her wedding dress. It's beautiful, ivory and slim lined, but not skin tight. She took my breath away. I'm so very proud of her. I've seen her in plenty of dresses, but she's never looked quite so light. So carefree, so happy. I only ever saw you in a dress four times.

The first time was when we were working that home invasion case. You remember, we went undercover at a charity auction that Metropolitan American Dance Theatre held. I bought you that dress. I hope you didn't think I was being arrogant. I just knew exactly what to expect of these events, and I knew that you didn't. I knew you were annoyed enough that you had to go in the first place; I didn't want you to have to worry about what to wear.

I honestly didn't think you'd wear it, so when you showed up at my door I hope you can forgive my breathlessness. When I picked it out in the store I thought that I could picture you in it, but my mental picture did you no justice. It clung to you like it was relishing every precious piece of you that it got to touch. It was like a delicious second skin, designed purely to accentuate every single one of your assets. You were so beautiful that night. I was torn between wanting to see you in that dress for the rest of my life and wanting to tear it off you. I know you were adamant it wasn't a date, but my God I wish it had been, so then if I had kissed you like I wanted to, you would have allowed it. That night was also the first night we danced together. The first night I got to hold you, feel the warmth of your body next to mine.

The second time I saw you in a dress was at the book launch party for Nikki Heat. Paula told me that your dress was Hervé Leger. I remember thinking; she bought a designer dress for this? Paula also told me to sleep with you. She told me to get it out of my system, but even then I knew I wanted more than a casual fling with you. I wanted to get to know you. I wasn't going to take the other book offer, you know. But then you told me you wanted me to take it, and I would have done anything for you, even then. So I decided to take it. Even if I had accepted the other offer, I had no intention of saying goodbye to you. I made the decision to get to know you in a non work capacity. But then they offered me a three book Nikki Heat deal and you know the rest.

Anyway, back to the dress. You looked incredible. I know you were nervous to work the red carpet and have your picture taken, but you handled it like a pro. You entered that room, your cobalt dress hugging your slender frame, and I couldn't take my eyes off of you. Your presence commanded the attention of every single person in the room for a moment, but you held my attention for far longer. That was the night you started to believe that I thought you were extraordinary. I know you didn't really believe me when I told you in the hospital after Sorenson got shot, but when I put it in the dedication so the world would know how I felt; I think it started to sink in for you, just a little.

The third time was my least favourite. You were on a date with some fireman that you apparently thought was hunky. You looked amazing. Your dress was red and one sleeved. Your hair was curled and pinned up, exposing the delicate column of your neck. I wanted to be the one on the date with you. I wanted to have dinner with you. I wanted to be the one that got to take you home that night. I loved you even then Kate. I hadn't admitted it to myself yet. I knew I wanted to be your friend, to be the one who was there for you, but I don't think I realised the depth of my own emotions then.

The fourth time, everything was different. We were going clubbing. You knew you were going to be flirting, so you dressed more provocatively than I've ever seen you. Damn Kate, that dress clung to you and you know what, I was jealous. I was jealous of a dress. I wanted to cling to you. This time was different because when I looked at you, I knew what your body felt like against mine. When I looked at your lips, their taste came rushing back to me. I didn't have to imagine running my fingers through your hair because I knew exactly what it would feel like.

There is one dress I never saw you in, a wedding dress. I don't know if I should be thankful or devastated. If it had been our wedding, you know I would have been the happiest man alive that day. But if I had ever had to watch you marry someone else, I would shatter. I would fracture into pieces so unintelligible there would be no hope of ever fixing me. Like you told me, once you made that commitment it would have been forever. So I don't know, Kate. I just don't know. I dream about those four experiences sometimes, and a million others I never experienced.

It's getting easier. I still ache, I still miss you with every pathetic atom that makes up who I am, but it's easier to deal with. There have been longer and longer periods of time where I am able to function almost normally. Of course, the whole time I feel an aching sense of guilt. I should be hurting. After all the times I hurt you, all the times you took me back when I didn't deserve it, the cruelty of being left to live without you is deserved. I only wish my punishment didn't mean that you got hurt. I would happily take this pain a thousand times over if it meant that you could live.

I'm still here, I'm still fighting. I know you wouldn't want me to give up.

I love you.

Rick