Darling Kate

Today, my baby got married. She's not mine anymore. I gave her away. I trust her husband to take care of her. He makes her happy, and really that's all I can ask of him. She looked so radiant today Kate.

My knees were shaking so badly as I walked her down the aisle I honestly thought I wouldn't make it to the end. But I did. I drew from a strength I had no idea I possess. I made it to the end, I handed her to her husband and then I collapsed into a chair.

The worst thing about weddings is that they always seem to be full of couples. Of course I didn't ask some mindless bimbo to accompany me. My 'date' was my mother. Everyone shot me pitying looks all day long; they all knew exactly who I wished could have been on my arm. I wanted to hurt them. Today was about Alexis. Not about me, or you. Not about my pain.

Not that Alexis wanted that. She made a speech. She gave me a copy of it, like she knew I would need to read it to allow her words to sink in.

I know it's not customary for the bride to make a speech. I also know that my father wants today to be about me. But he's broken, and I know he's trying his best to hide it for me, but I still see it in his eyes. I'm so proud of him. It would have been so easy for him to just give up, but he didn't. He fought, and he's still fighting. He was in love, and he lost her. We lost her. I loved her too. Her absence is tangible. I miss her. I wish she could have been here. I'd like to toast to her. To Detective Kate Beckett.

No one batted an eyelid when I waited for everyone to raise their glass and then fled. Mother came to find me. She told me how proud she was of me. I managed to pull myself together and go back into the reception in time to dance with my daughter.

For most of the day I was successful in pushing aside thoughts of you, but once it was all over, I went to my room in the hotel and threw myself onto the bed. I sobbed as I thought of you.

What would you have worn? What would you have done with your hair? Your makeup? What perfume would drive me crazy every time I caught its scent on you? Would you have danced with me? I hope you would have. God I hope you would have.

I danced with my daughter. I danced with my mother. I even danced with Lanie. She was there, as were Esposito, Ryan and Jenny. I didn't think they'd come, but they said that I'm a part of the precinct family, and that means Little Castle is too.

I didn't write to you after Ryan and Jenny's wedding. I'll be honest; a lot of it is a blur of champagne. I remember that Esposito cried when he mentioned you in his best man speech. I remember that Ryan cried as he spoke about the sister he misses so much. I remember I didn't cry. I just felt empty.

Today has been a strange day. I'm happy, of course, and so proud of my little girl. But a part of me aches at the thought that she is no longer mine. I wish you could have been there. You would have helped me to see that she isn't going to abandon me. You always knew just what to say when it came to Alexis, just how to comfort me.

She's venturing out into the world, into the blue expanse of the ocean, and she no longer needs me to guide her, to hold her hand. She no longer needs me.

I miss you every day. But its days like today that are the worst. Days where everything is about family, about being with the people you love. I feel like I'm not even justified in my heartache. You weren't my wife, you weren't even my girlfriend. I feel like I don't have the right to ache this way. The hole inside of me has no place, it isn't warranted.

I'm getting better. But if I stretch myself too far, if I try to pretend that I'm fine, the edges rip where they're so indistinctly joined. They rip, and I tear. I'm torn up. Still, after all this time, I'm torn up. It's been years now Kate. Years. Even your father is doing better than I am.

I didn't deserve you in life, and I don't deserve to grieve for you. But despite that, despite everything, I love you.

No matter what. I love you.

Rick