Darling Kate
My Mother had a massive heart attack. She died in the middle of the night in her bed. She was seventy four.
I'm sorry. I'm still in the cold, clinical mode I used to get myself through the funeral. I spent the whole time pretending that this wasn't happening to me. I tried to be an onlooker. I didn't have to be the supportive father; my daughter had her husband to lean on. That left me free to cope however I chose. I chose to push it away. This was some other guy's mother, not mine. I couldn't do it any other way.
This has always been where I can go to feel. You are the one person I will allow myself to feel pain in front of any more.
The loft has been empty for some time now; the two of us were just existing. I think she knew she didn't have long left, and my life shattered over ten years ago. The loft was empty, but now it's vacant. I don't fill it. I don't live here. I don't live anywhere.
God, I feel so stupid Kate. I should be over you by now. It's been eleven years. You'd think I'd be able to function almost normally by now, but every day is still a battle. The wound was almost healed. The edges were stretching together, trying to encompass the pain, but losing my mother ripped them brutally separate once more.
The loneliness is all encompassing. I have no mother, no daughter, no lover. Sure I still have friends, Ryan, Esposito, Lanie and Jenny are my four best friends in the world. The precinct is a family. You and I were Mom and Dad to Ryan and Esposito. But as much as a second family as the precinct is, they can't be there in the same way a true family can. They aren't here in the dark, when night terrors wrench me from sleep. They can't hold me and comfort me until sleep takes me once again.
I was lonely but not alone when I lost you, and when Alexis moved out. My mother was my rock, my driving force. Were it not for her, once Alexis left I would have decayed. And now she's gone. She's gone, and I have no one left to stay strong for.
I know that you know what it is to lose a mother. I know that I was lucky; I got so much time with mine. I was always in awe of you, but now that I truly know the heartache of losing a mother my admiration for you is unfathomable.
I know I'll keep fighting. I still have Alexis, even if she no longer lives here. I still have your father. I still have my precinct family. I hold a delicate partnership with each. But they can only fill the daylight hours. Once the darkness descends I will be left to dance alone.
I never thought I could miss you more, but the absence of my mother makes my heart ache for her and for you.
I love you Kate
Rick