I.
It only takes Jesse about an hour to find a babysitter and race over to Rachel's apartment.
He's a nervous wreck. He's worried about her and it takes a while for him to realize it because the concept feels foreign to him. Rachel has always been strong, able to survive anything, even when she's been gotten over and over again. It's the quality he's always most admired about her. He is completely unable to rectify the vision of her he has always had with the battered woman she just revealed herself to be.
She has been expecting him, so he only says "Rach" into the intercom system before she's buzzing him into the building.
Her eyes are red when she answers the door and she goes readily into his embrace. He's relieved that she is being so accepting of his presence, but it's slightly unnerving because he expected hostility and not this naked vulnerability.
"I've never said it out loud before," she informs him quietly, "Even that night … not even Kurt knows."
They retreat to her couch where she fills him in on everything over a bottle of wine, one of her "coping mechanisms," she attempts to joke. He's quiet as she tells him the whole story. She had first met Tyler at an NYU party. She had seen him from across the room, obviously and unapologetically the most attractive guy there, and he had been interested in her right off the bat. Given her history, the fact that he had clearly wanted her had been intoxicating.
"After Finn, I was looking for something different," she clarifies, but she almost doesn't need to. Jesse feels like he knows her better than even she does, and he can not only understand her nineteen year old self's logic, but can sense the role he himself has played in her diminished self-confidence.
He doesn't exactly want to hear how the heated arguments had turned into shoves and slaps, eventually into bruises and, once, a sprained wrist, but he doesn't want to stop her either. He realizes that he's the only one that she's ever opened up to about this, and he can sense that it would be more detrimental to shut her down.
She intersperses the bad with a few examples of the good, including his dramatic apologies and their engagement, but she ultimately gets to what she refers to as that night, and she completely breaks down.
"He quit his bartending job and he must have been waiting for me to get home. I forgot to tell him that the cast was going out for a goodbye dinner, and he wasn't happy that I was late. We got into this huge argument because I told him that New York was full of restaurants and he would find another job. He took offense to it and he slapped me and slammed me against the brick wall in our bedroom."
Rachel sucks in a deep breath before she continues, and Jesse kisses the top of her head as he draws her closer. "He apologized, like he always did, and I really thought that everything was fine: I went to bed and he went back out. Later that night, I woke up and there was blood all over the sheets. I called Kurt and he took me to the hospital…"
"I had no idea," she sobs into his shirt, "I would never have…" She trails off before she says words that aren't really true, makes promises she wouldn't have kept, and he squeezes her hip, silently telling her that it's okay, that she's safe and she doesn't have to be brave.
"All I remember is being in the hospital and realizing that I could have had this family, and feeling relief that it wouldn't happen with him. It made me think about the last time that I considered having a family, with you and Es, and how much more I wanted that."
She covers her face in shame, because she feels like some sort of monster because of her relief at the death of her potential child.
"So you came here," he concludes softly, and it's the first time he's spoken in over an hour so his voice comes out almost as raspy as hers.
She nods. "The night that I left you, I thought of all the things that I wanted to do before I settled down: school, Broadway, Tony nominations, and here I was almost six years later, and I had all of that, and I still felt like half a person. I missed you. I wanted the life you promised me that night. I wanted a second chance."
He doesn't know what to say to her, so he settles for holding her as she cries. He's surprised when, about twenty minutes after she last spoke, she smiles up at him and tells him through teary eyes that she wants him to see the apartment.
Now that he's not so focused on her, he finally notices the panoply of colors in her combined living/dining room.
She holds his hand as she gives him the tour, walking him through the kitchen, the bathroom and, ultimately, her bedroom.
Her bedroom is weirdly familiar, the yellows and pinks she has chosen echoing what he remembers of her childhood room in Lima.
She waits for him to take it all in before asking: "What do you think?"
She's got a small smile on her face, and, after her emotional upheaval tonight, he doesn't want to take it away from her.
"It looks like my eight year old helped you decorate," he finally says, attempting to mirror her smile.
She frowns at his less than enthusiastic response, and he catches on quickly to her disappointment.
"I like it," he appeases her, "It's bright and happy."
She smiles genuinely and reaches up to kiss him, leading him slowly towards the bed.
He takes a few steps with her, but then refuses to budge. "Rach, we can't," he whispers, kissing her forehead with his eyes closed.
She looks confused and steps back to properly see his face. "Why not? It's been so long," she practically whines.
He chuckles. "It's only been two weeks," he corrects, and he almost can't believe that that is the excuse he's going with.
"It's been six years," she reminds him intently, "And I miss you …" She trails off in hopes of enticing him, but she can tell immediately that its not working.
He kisses the top of her head again, and she notes the lack of romance in the gesture.
"You know how I feel about you, Rachel. I just don't think that tonight is the night. It's been a long night, you're emotional, and I don't want you to regret this in the morning."
She nods slowly without looking at him, even though she can see right through his seemingly convincing reasoning.
"I don't want you to treat me any differently now that you know," she states, taking a step back and folding her arms. "I was playing one of the greatest role models ever for young girls and … it was a huge mistake, Jesse. It's not who I am."
"I know who you are, Rachel Berry," he reassures her, stepping towards her and running his hands through her hair, "And I'm just glad that you're here with me and safe. I want to kill him for doing that to you."
"You can't tell anyone," she says firmly and then turns away from him.
He frowns at her back, because it's not the response he was hoping for: something along the lines of a stern disapproval of Tyler's actions. She is obviously more concerned about someone finding out rather than realizing that this is continuing to affect her, whether or not people know about it.
When he comes out of his thoughts, she is pulling a sexy nightgown over her bare skin, in what he is sure is a last ditch effort to lure him into bed. Rachel Berry has always gone after exactly what she wants.
She turns back to him as she reaches for a brush to run through her hair. "Will you at least stay with me?"
He nods, but is quick to qualify. "I have to get home before Es wakes up."
II.
Rachel greets them at the door with a normal, bubbly smile, but it quickly fades when Es stomps through the door and throws herself on the sofa.
"We had sort of a rough day," Jesse explains as he kisses her on the cheek and hands her the plant they've brought as a housewarming present. "Neither Violet nor Audrey were too accepting of our relationship."
"Did Audrey say something to Es?" Rachel asks quietly, concern and anger battling within her.
"No. I gather that Violet was upset with Es because she messed with 'the plan' for me and Audrey to get married, and Audrey told me that she thinks that our relationship is unhealthy since you are Es's sister."
"Oh," Rachel says, "Did you explain our entire history to Audrey?"
"I started to, but I realized that I don't have to defend my relationship with you to her. My only concern is for the girls' friendship."
"Do you think that she would not let Vi see Es because she's upset that we're dating?"
Jesse sighs and glances over at his daughter, who has switched on the tv and is watching a show on the Disney Channel. "Probably," he admits. "But I can't tell her how to raise her kid. And if she's going to do this because I won't go out with her, then there really is nothing I can do. Unless you want me to go out with both of you."
"Ha, ha, ha," she mocks. "I just don't want to be the reason their friendship gets ruined."
"I know, but its not really up to us."
Jesse glances over at the table and notices that it is set for four. "Are we expecting someone else?"
"I invited Kurt," Rachel explains. "I want him to get to know you guys. I hope that's okay."
Rachel is still putting the finishing touches on dinner in the kitchen, so she tells Es to walk through the apartment so she can see the culmination of all their hard work in the past couple of weeks.
Es finally cracks a smile, and drags Jesse with her so that she can show him all the things that she selected for the apartment.
Just as she hears Jesse's laughter coming from somewhere within the bedroom, the doorbell rings and Kurt finally arrives.
He's not alone. Finn and Puck are standing behind him when Rachel opens the door, and her immediate response, rightly so, is panic.
"What are you doing here?" she stage whispers. "Kurt, they can't be here!"
Kurt looks reluctant for about a millisecond before he launches into an explanation that doesn't satisfy Rachel in the least.
By that time, however, Finn and Puck have pushed past where Kurt and Rachel stand arguing, and into the apartment. Puck seems to be looking for something, or someone, before his eyes finally focus on the television that is still tuned to the Disney Channel. Finn is surveying the apartment's view from near the couch, watching Kurt and Rachel bicker out of the corner of his eye.
Just then, Es comes skipping out of the bedroom, good mood restored at having her decorating skill on display, which was exactly what Rachel had been hoping for.
Rachel can't see Jesse's face, but she hears the moment he stops in his tracks, because she no longer hears his footsteps against the hardwood of the floors.
Rachel closes her eyes and stops mid-sentence in her reprimand of Kurt. No words will help. The shit is about to hit the fan.
She quickly attempts to take control of the situation. "You guys need to leave. Right now."
"All of you," she adds, sending a glare at Kurt.
"Hi Beth," Puck says in a soft voice, and Rachel thinks it's the most chilling thing she has heard since the doctor's voice that night so many months ago.
"It's Es," Es clarifies automatically, and Rachel can practically hear the roll of her eyes in her voice.
"Let's go," Jesse says sternly, grabbing Es by the shoulders and guiding her towards the door.
"Why?" Es whines, resisting Jesse as much as she can. "We're supposed to have dinner with Rachel!"
She shoots a desperate look at Rachel, but then seems to notice that all the adults in the room besides her dad and Puck have been rendered mute.
"I remember holding you the day you were born, Beth. You were so beautiful, and now you're so grown up." Puck is still speaking softly, but he might as well be shouting, everyone else is so quiet.
Es tries to turn her head to look at her father, but Jesse is focused only on getting them out of the room.
Rachel sneaks a look at Jesse's face, and she almost gasps aloud. She has never seen him look that broken or anguished before.
He, however, doesn't spare her one glance as he literally picks Es up and carries her out of Rachel's apartment, the door slamming loudly behind them.
Thank you for sticking with this story and sorry for the delay in posting! I do have the rest of the story planned out, so hopefully I can get the next chapter written soon. I just got internet back (yay!) so I am no longer relegated to coffee shops to write and post. I tend to research as a I write, so internet is critical for getting stuff done.
As always, I would love to know what you think!