Back at camp, the boys (and tiger) found that they were actually having a lot of fun with Peach. They told her about their game "Calvinball," and she actually wanted to try it. While the other kids were out in the gym playing kickball, Peach and her seven new friends stayed behind in the main room and played their own game, singing all the while.

(To the tune of "The Silly Song" from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves)

Calvin: I've got these birdies, one and two

And they're both where I'm sittin'

But the other ninety-eight

Are all just too well hidden

All: It's cool with made-up rules

Each round's never the same

Why would people want to play

Any other game?

Eddy: I smacked the birdies through the door

I don't think it was fowl

And so I get to run around

Dragging paper towels

All: It's cool with made-up rules

Each round's never the same

Why would people want to play

Any other game?

"But who's got the Calvinball?" asked Hobbes.

"I do!" cried Peach, pulling the ball out from under her skirt. The boys groaned in response.

"C'mon," whined Jason, "none of us would have thought to look there!"

"And even if we did," shuddered Calvin, "we wouldn't have gone for it."

"Speak for yourself," grinned Eddy.

"I believe that an act so devious should end the game," said Hobbes. "Princess Peach wins!"

The boys (and tiger) cheered. Even the naysayers (Calvin, Jason and Marcus) had to admire Peach's trick. After all, Calvinball's rules allowed almost anything.

"The other kids are coming!" cried Ed, hearing their voices in the hall. "Hide your women! Bolt the windows and trapdoors!"

Peach and the boys (and tiger) rushed into the closet as the others came back into the main room.

"The day's almost over," Jason remarked. "What are we gonna do now?"

"I'd love for Peach to stay at my place," said Eddy, "but my room's being painted. I could never hide her."

"I have a feeling that her, er, presence would set off something unheard of in my abode," stammered Double D.

"My bungalow is wonderful and wet!" announced Ed.

"You really do NOT want to go there," Double D urged Peach.

Everyone turned to Calvin, Jason, and Marcus.

"Oh no..." said Jason. "We are NOT putting up with her! No offense, your majesty."

"We can't leave her here," said Marcus. "What if a janitor finds her or something? C'mon, we didn't button mash our thumbs into numbness for nothing! We did it to save Princess Peach game after game, no matter how tough things got! And we hardly used any cheat codes! We did not go through all of that to leave her to sleep in a closet!"

"Sounds like you're willing to guard Peach," Calvin sneered.

"No way!" Marcus shot back.

"The three of you should draw straws," said Hobbes. "Whoever has the shortest one takes the princess home."

"How come you're not drawing a straw?" whined Calvin.

Hobbes rolled his eyes. "Because we live in the same house." The tiger thrust out his paw, holding three straws. Jason, Marcus, and Calvin all took one. It was Marcus who had the shortest straw.

"Fine," sighed Marcus. "But my dad's gonna be picking me up soon and I don't think I can explain the attractive blonde lady."

"That's not a problem," Peach said happily. "You have those books that have some sort of portal thing to the Mushroom Kingdom, right? I can pop inside one, hide for a while, you take the book home with you, and I pop right out again!"

"As long as you're quite certain it's safe," said Double D. "Mario sent you here for a reason, after all."

Peach laughed. "Oh, I'll just hide somewhere that none of those creeps use any more. I know my way around my own kingdom."

"She's got ya there," said Eddy.

Calvin fetched a Mario book and held it up. "Okay, Princess, all you need to do is jump and you'll get sucked in to wherever you want to go."

"I'll be in the Hazy Maze Cave," Peach told Marcus. "Come and get me whenever it's safe."

With a friendly wink, Peach hopped up and was instantly vacuumed into the book. Calvin slammed it shut.

"Good luck," said Jason.

...

Peach crouched down in the Hazy Maze Cave, waiting for Marcus to give her an "all clear." Although some portions of the maze were toxic, Peach stayed in the safe areas. There weren't many creatures lurking there, and the few that were didn't stand a chance against Peach. No Snufits or Monty Moles posed a real threat.

After an hour or two, Marcus poked his head out of a pipe. "Sorry to make you wait, your highness. We were having dinner."

"That's alright," said Peach. "It's not awful down here. Let's go."

Peach jumped into the pipe and the two warped back into the "real world."

It was a good thing that they left, for at that very moment, Bowser and Kamek emerged from around a corner.

"I can't believe you don't know your own maze!" whined Kamek.

"None of us creeps use this place any more," replied Bowser. "Unless you count that DS remake, but I don't know how canon that was. Anyways, this maze is the perfect place for poisoning something. It's possibly the most toxic, hazardous area in the Mushroom Kingdom, at least to humans."

"Is Peach a human?" asked Kamek.

"She's close enough. I think there's also some fungus in her, but I don't think about that. It's a real turnoff. Let's get started on the poison apple!"

"A poison apple?" asked Kamek. "Why not just use a poison mushroom? You wouldn't have to go through any trouble finding one around here."

"She knows what a poison mushroom looks like!" snapped Bowser. "She's an easy target, but she ain't stupid! A poison apple is classic. It's so classic that no one would suspect someone actually using one, not even a princess!"

"I suppose that sort of makes sense," said Kamek.

"Of course it does!" Bowser roared triumphantly. "Now hand me the apple!"

"I don't have an apple."

"...aw, crap."

...

Back in Marcus's room, Peach was telling him of her "adventure" in the Mostly Harmless Forest, with the various hostile creatures.

"So all of these huge monsters were in that little grove?" asked Marcus. "That doesn't make sense. Why would they just hang around together? Usually, those guys each have their own lair or something."

"I've been in that forest with friends before," said Peach, "and it's always been, well, mostly harmless. I've never seen any of those beasts there. I get the feeling that Mario isn't even aware of them, or he would have done something about it."

"I guess you'll have to talk to him when he gets back," mused Marcus.

"I suppose so," sighed Peach. "We need to really talk, not just a short chat like before, but a real heart-to-heart conversation. I love him, but we don't really understand each other all the time. All those therapy TV shows I watch say the same thing."

"What kind of therapy shows do they have in your kingdom?" asked Marcus.

"The most popular doctor is actually Dr. Mario," said Peach. "He films the show sometimes, but there's not much psychology involved. The show is mostly him dropping pills in a huge jar. It's surprisingly addictive..."

Peach stood up and walked to Marcus's window. She looked out over the dimly-lit street. It was a far cry from her grand view on her castle's balcony, but it was pretty enough to her.

"So..." Marcus mumbled awkwardly, "I guess you miss him, huh?"

"Do I ever," sighed Peach.

(To the tune of "Someday My Prince Will Come" from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves)

Peach: I know he's far away

Though he'll return someday

And there's something in me that can tell

That he's missing me right now as well

We might not always click

But through all thin and thick

Our love will hold out

I know without a doubt

That day when my love returns

Marcus shuffled his feet. "That was, uh, really pretty," he admitted. "Do you think you guys will be able to see eye to eye?"

"I know we will," said Peach. "I'm getting sleepy."

"Don't tell the guys," said Marcus, "but you can sleep in my bed if you want."

Peach got into Marcus's bed, and Marcus lay on the floor. Peach reached over and turned off the bedside lamp and the two dozed off into their dreams.

No, they're not sleeping in the same bed, you bunch of pervs.