Warning: This chapter contains references to self-harm.

"Don't move."

Derek froze, poised halfway out of the armchair, and begrudgingly sat back down. "You know, pretty boy, I don't remember you ever being this bossy. I think I like it."

Spencer grabbed the mug of tea on his way past the coffee table and pressed it into Derek's hands. "Well get used to it, because I'm not letting you do anything until you're back on your feet."

"It's not that big of a deal, kiddo. I can take care of myself." He sniffed at the tea. "Is this mint?"

"Yes. Try it, you'll like it." Spencer perched on the arm of the couch. "And in case I need to remind you, you were shot."

"It's not that bad." He blew on the steaming mug and forced himself to take a sip.

Spencer leaned forward, chestnut locks falling before his eyes. "You were shot."

Derek looked at him and scowled.

"And you've been doing nothing but taking care of me lately…let me return the favor."

"Have you been seeing Dr. Monroe?" Derek asked.

"It's not about me right now, Derek. For once." Spencer sighed. "But nice diversion. Yes, I have been seeing her. She's still trying to convince me to…to…"

"Check yourself into that facility?" Derek asked softly.

Spencer nodded, avoiding the older man's gaze.

"Are you considering it?"

Spencer stood up abruptly and walked over to the window, pulling back the curtain to gaze out at the night. "Maybe…"

Derek's heart beat double time in his chest. He wasn't sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing, but he knew that Spencer wouldn't do well in a hospital – it would remind him too much of his mother. Derek knew he was terrified of ending up like her.

He stood up from the chair and walked over to Spencer who turned around from the window in alarm. "I thought I told you not to move," he admonished.

Derek really did like him bossy. "I'm fine. Tell me more about this place in West Virginia."

"I really don't feel like talking about it right now, Derek," Spencer said, looking down at the floor so that his bangs fell into his eyes.

"I understand if you don't want to go. I don't want you to go."

Maybe that hadn't been the right thing to say – but dammit he was so tired of keeping his feelings bottled up inside. If that bullet had been an inch higher he could have bled out on the pavement the other night and be dead right now, instead of standing in the living room of his apartment with Spencer. How much more time was he willing to lose?

"Well it's ultimately my decision," Spencer said. He leaned against the wall next to the window, folding his arms over his chest.

"How long would it be for?"

He shrugged. "It would be voluntary. Look, I told you I don't want to talk about this right now."

"Well then what do you want to talk about?"

"How about how fucking stupid it was of you to go after that unsub in Miami without backup?"

Derek rolled his eyes. "Trust me, the whole team has made that abundantly clear."

"You could have been killed, Derek," his voice was wavering.

"I know…" He suddenly felt incredibly guilty, just like he had lying there, thinking that he would die and by doing so he would be breaking a promise to Spencer.

"I don't know if I could get past something like that."

Derek reached out his hands to place them on Spencer's upper arms. He rubbed them up and down as he spoke. "I'm right here, pretty boy. I told you I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not."

"When I heard…" Spencer's voice suddenly dropped low. "When JJ told me…" he was shifting uncomfortably. "I wanted to…I wanted…."

"But you didn't."

Spencer shook his head. "I promise, I didn't hurt myself. I already told you. I couldn't do something like that with JJ there."

"Which is exactly why I had her tell you in person."

"Derek," tear-filled hazel eyes met his gaze. "I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm so tired. So fucking exhausted. It's so hard trying to constantly keep myself from doing the one thing I really want to do – the only thing that will make me feel better."

Derek shook his head. "It will get easier, pretty boy."

"Will it?" Spencer demanded. "Because it hasn't gotten any better in the past 15 or how ever many years of my life. I feel like it's all I have to hold on to – something I can control – something that won't go away or be taken away."

"It's not all you have, Spencer, you know that."

"Well you can tell me all you want that you're not going to leave me, but we both know that's a promise you can't keep." He wiped the back of a hand over his eyes. "And that's not your fault. I just can't trust anyone or anything."

He felt his heart twisting inside of his chest and the words climbing to the surface, desperate to break free. "Spencer, you can trust me."

He sniffed. "I want to…I really, really do…"

"You can."

"I don't want you to make empty promises to me."

"It's not an empty promise. Spencer, I…"

"Please don't say something you'll regret."

"Spencer, I love you." The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, and they hung heavy in the quiet air.

He could see the color drain from the younger man's face, and all he could think was, I've ruined everything. But there was no taking it back, not know. Spencer was frozen like a statue, and he realized that he had completely fucked everything up between them because of his own selfishness.

He opened his mouth to speak again, but no words came out. He stared into Spencer's eyes, which were owlish in shock.

Never mind the fact that the man he loved was standing there before him looking horrified at his admission – he had completely destroyed their friendship as well. "Spencer…Spencer, I…"

He wasn't sure what he was going to say, but it didn't matter, because at that moment Spencer leaned forward and grabbed Derek by the shoulders. He pulled him close so fast the older agent wasn't sure what had happened.

And then Spencer's lips were on his and nothing else mattered at all.

TBC