Warning: Mild sexual content and references to self-harm.

The moonlight streaming in through the window was the only thing that illuminated the bedroom as Derek clumsily navigated his way around the furniture. It was doubly impossible because his lips were joined with Spencer's in an unending kiss as he walked the younger man backwards into the room. Not a single word had passed between them.

Derek bumped his shin against an end table and grunted in pain, not deterring from his path. When they reached the edge of the bed, Spencer laid down smoothly, no hesitation, and with hands fisted in Derek's T-shirt pulled down the older agent on top of him.

They were a tangle of limbs and exploring tongues, hands not yet daring to wander. Derek ran his fingers through Spencer's hair, twining them in the silky locks. The kid tasted incredible – unreal. This entire thing was unreal; something Derek had wanted for so long but had only recently admitted to himself. And to have Spencer reciprocate his feelings? To have the younger man pressed beneath him on his bed? That was not something he believed would happen in a million years.

Spencer suddenly broke the kiss, breathing hard, and caught Derek's gaze with his own. His eyes glinted in the pale light. "Are you okay?" he asked. "I'm not hurting you am I?"

Derek smiled. "I'm fine pretty boy." He closed the distance between them again and with a renewed vigor, unable to stop himself. "Spencer," he murmured between kisses. "I've dreamed of this."

"Me too."

That was something he never expected to hear, and his heart fluttered in his chest. "You're so beautiful," he breathed.

"Please don't say that." The younger man tried to turn his head away, but Derek caught his chin refused to let him divert his gaze.

"It's true," Derek whispered. "You take my breath away."

A slight smile passed over Spencer's face, and then they were kissing again. Derek almost couldn't retain his shock when Spencer rolled them over, straddling the older agent with his long legs, managing not to break the kiss in the process.

Derek's blood was now hot beneath his skin and he craved…craved to touch and taste and experience everything that Spencer was, because Spencer was perfection. And now here they were together, and he was going to relish every single moment of it. Spencer was kissing his chin, his ear, his collarbone, and Derek couldn't help the moan that escaped his lips.

Spencer suddenly sat up with a gasp and scrambled backwards, off of Derek and onto the floor. He stood there, hunched over, arms wrapped tightly around himself.

Derek sat up on his elbows in alarm, the mood instantly shifted. "Spencer?"

"I can't…I can't do this…" Spencer gasped out.

Derek had gone from pure joy to feeling his heart crumbling in his chest, all within an instant. "Talk to me," he said. "Tell me what's wrong." He stood up and made his way over to the younger man who took a step away from him.

"I'm sorry Derek," the eyes Spencer now turned on him were full of sorrow. He shook his head, and it was suddenly that look Derek had seen on his face when he had been crying on the floor, desperate to cut himself. "I'm so, so sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, pretty boy," Derek promised. He was trying to keep his temper in check but having Spencer suddenly running away from him was hurting him deeply. "Just tell me what's wrong."

Spencer backed up further until he was in the doorway. "I should go," he whispered. "This shouldn't have happened. I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…I shouldn't leave you alone but I have to go."

Derek was absolutely dumfounded as the kid turned in the doorway and started down the hall. He followed him into the living room where Spencer pried his coat out from underneath a slumbering Clooney.

"Spencer, please don't go running out of here in the middle of the night. You need me and I need you…neither one of us should be alone."

He shrugged into his jacket. "I'm sorry…I have to…I have to think. I promise I'll be ok." He turned and threw a despairing look back at Derek. "Will you be okay?"

No, he most certainly would not be okay, but it had absolutely nothing to do with the bullet wound in his neck. What could he say? "Yeah, kid," he murmured. "Yeah, I'll be okay. I'm sorry. I…I shouldn't have said anything."

"No…" Spencer said, looking off vacantly. "I'm glad you did. I just…I have a lot to figure out. A lot to process."

"Will you call me when you're ready to talk?"

Spencer managed a half-hearted smile. "Of course," he said. And just like that he was out the door and gone, leaving Derek staring after him in shock.

He really had screwed everything up this time, and things between him and Spencer would never be the same. He would rather have the kid as a friend if nothing at all. Now he wasn't sure if he could even have that much.

TBC