Warning: Mild sexual content and references to self-harm.

Three days.

It had been three days since Spencer had walked out of his apartment; walked away from him. Derek hadn't received so much as a text from the kid saying he was all right, and he was frustrated enough to put a fist through the wall.

Is this how it felt to the women he didn't call? If that was the case – and he suspected it was – he was filled with a renewed sense of guilt for every woman he had unintentionally led on, because this waiting and not knowing was absolute torture.

He picked up his phone about twenty times a day, thumb hovering over the number to Spencer's speed dial, and then snapped the damn thing shut before he could let himself go through with calling. He had to stop himself from putting on his shoes and his jacket and taking off to Spencer's place to show up unannounced on his doorstep. He had to talk himself out of calling JJ or Hotch and asking if they'd heard from him – because if he did that they would just worry and Spencer would feel betrayed.

He felt like he was losing his mind. It was like he was in a catch-22 between feeling responsible if the kid did something to hurt himself, and wanting to respect Spencer's privacy and his request for time. After all, Derek had sprung a lot on him and he didn't blame Spencer for needing to be alone to process his confession.

It was 11:30 at night, the wind was howling, and the rain was pouring down in a torrent when Derek's doorbell rang. He immediately leapt to his feet, shushing Clooney who was barking at the intrusion on their evening, and made his way over to the door with his heart in his throat. He pulled it open, forcing himself to take a deep breath.

Spencer stood in the hallway, soaked from head to toe. He looked at Derek through a curtain of wet bangs, and quirked a small smile. "Sorry I didn't call," he said quietly.

Derek reached out and grabbed him, pulling him into the apartment and into his embrace, not minding the fact that he was getting drenched by proxy. "Don't you have a damn umbrella?" he chided into the kid's ear.

"Must have forgotten it," Spencer murmured back into Derek's shoulder.

Derek hugged him tight, relishing the feeling of the younger man safe in his arms, and then pulled back, bringing Spencer further into the apartment and shutting the door behind him. "Let me get you a towel."

Spencer shook his head. "I can't stay."

Derek furrowed his brow in confusion. "What do you mean you can't stay? You came all the way over here in the middle of the night and you're soaked to the bone."

Spencer put a hand out and shook his head. "Please, Derek. Please just…just let me say this and I'll go."

Derek sighed deeply, studying the younger man's shivering form and wanting to hug him again and strangle him at the same time. "Tell me," he said quietly.

Spencer licked his lips. "I've made my decision."

His heart was beating fast again, hammering against his ribcage. "About?"

"West Virginia."

"And?"

"I'm going."

It was suddenly very quiet in the apartment despite the rain pounding on the windows and the rumble of thunder. Derek knew that Spencer was waiting for a response – knew he should say something – but he wasn't sure what that something was. His selfish side wanted Spencer to stay. Logically, he knew it was probably the right decision for him to go.

Either way, he hated it.

"Are you sure?" he managed.

Spencer nodded. "I thought about it a lot. I spoke to Dr. Monroe. She has a colleague she's going to refer me to."

Derek suddenly felt like he had lost his voice and cleared his throat. "For how long?"

A shrug. "Probably three months."

Not so long in the grand scheme of things, not really, but the thought of being away from Spencer for three months was pure agony. "I'm sorry," he wasn't sure why he had said it, but the words seemed to come unbidden to his lips.

Spencer quirked a brow. "You're sorry? For what?"

Derek ran a hand over his head and sighed. "I…I don't know. I guess I feel like I let you down. I wanted you to be able to count on me…depend on me…it was self-absorbed and foolish."

Spencer shook his head. "Derek, if it hadn't been for you I wouldn't be getting help at all and we both know that."

"I still feel like a failed you."

"You didn't."

"I guess I just wish I could be the one to heal you. I wish…I wish I was enough for you."

Now he felt like a damned fool for saying all of that without being able to stop himself. Hadn't he already confessed enough of his feelings to the kid? It wasn't helping anything.

Spencer sighed. "Derek, I…I need you to understand something."

He clenched his teeth. He had said enough for one evening.

"Derek, I…" Spencer looked at him shyly. "Derek, I love you." He turned away immediately, as though he could no longer look the older man in the eyes. For Derek's part, he stood there frozen for a moment, letting the words sink in. He almost wanted to ask Spencer to repeat it – wasn't sure if he had heard correctly.

"You…you do?" it was all he could manage.

"Yes," Spencer raised a hand and buried his face in it, tears evident in his voice. "That's part of the reason I have to go to West Virginia."

Derek wasn't sure, but he had his suspicions about what Spencer was telling him. He captured the kid lightly by the shoulders and turned him back around, Spencer still hiding his face, refusing to meet his eyes. "You need to get away from me?"

"Yes…no…I…" he lowered his hand. "I don't need to get away from you. I need to prove I can be away from you."

Derek reached up, running a hand through Spencer's wet hair and capturing his cheek. "Spencer…"

"I want to be with you, Derek. I do. I just…I just need to know that I'm doing it for the right reasons. That you're doing it for the right reasons. I need to know that you don't want to be with me just because you want to save me, and that I don't want to be with you just because it's the only place…the only place I feel safe."

Derek ran his thumb over the younger man's cheek. "Spencer, that's not why I want to be with you."

Spencer nodded. "I…I believe you. I want to believe you. I just need to be sure." He met Derek's eyes with a tearful gaze. "My whole life I've had an addiction to something…first cutting, then Dilaudid, then cutting again. Finally I feel like I've found something else that makes me feel good. I just…I have to know that this is real, and not just…not just another addiction."

"If you're addicted to me, then I'm addicted to you just as much."

Spencer pushed his hand away. "You know what I mean, Derek. If we're together, I want it to be because we love each other for who we are. I want us to be on even ground. I don't want to have to depend on you, and I don't want you to feel like you have to take care of me."

"I will always want to take care of you, baby boy."

"I just," he blinked away tears. "I just need to get better. On my own. I can't depend on you and then fall down again if that's taken away."

"I swear I'm not going to leave you."

Spencer shook his head. "You can't promise that. And that's not because I think you're lying about your feelings for me. We work in a dangerous job, Derek." He reached out and traced the edge of the gauze bandage on the older agent's neck. "What if next time you're not so lucky? What if you're taken away from me?"

Derek captured Spencer's hand in his own. "You can't think like that."

"I can't afford not to. Please…please tell me you understand. I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. It's the only way we can be together. The only way I won't second-guess myself and what we have."

"I do understand, kiddo. I do. If you want to go to West Virginia I support you one hundred percent. I just need you to know something."

"What's that?"

"When you come home I'm going to be waiting for you." He reached out and captured Spencer's face lightly in his hands, drawing him close and placing a chaste kiss on the younger man's lips. Spencer's hands curled around Derek's and they stood there, breath mingling, eyes taking each other in.

"Please stay," Derek whispered. "Just stay tonight. And let me be the one to drive you to West Virginia."

Spencer opened his mouth but no words came out.

"Nothing has to happen tonight, pretty boy. I swear that to you. Please just…just let me hold you."

Spencer nodded his head ever so slightly. "Okay," he whispered.

"Okay." He stepped back but kept one hand tightly on Spencer's, intertwining their fingers. "Then let's get you dried off and go to bed."

x x x x x

The storm had diminished to a light shower, raindrops tapping lightly on the glass. Derek felt himself being lulled to sleep by the sound, intermingled with Spencer's breathing. The kid was curled up tight to Derek's chest, his head tucked under the older man's chin.

If Derek had thought three days was a long time, then three months was going to feel like forever – the longest three months of his entire life. But it would all be worth it in the end.

Spencer stirred slightly and Derek shushed him, rubbing lazy circles on the kid's back until he calmed once more.

Even while Spencer was away from him, Derek was not going to let him face this alone. Even if Spencer didn't want Derek to protect him and take care of him that was just too bad…that was something that wasn't ever going to change.

And three months from now Derek planned to prove that every day for the rest of their lives.

TBC