And All That Could Have Been

Book One: Fractures

Chapter Two: The Ghost of You

((AN: Thank you for all of the support and reading, I am so happy to see that people like this story! I would like to urge people to PLEASE review, I am interested in knowing what people think about it :D. I would like to state that constructive reviews are what I am looking for, but anyone is welcome to put in their two cents. Thanks again for reading.))

The smell of salt air. That was what had really drawn Ianto up and out of the wreckage, that, and the world suddenly seemed very small down there. Amy had told him that it was what happened when you spent a few days with the Doctor, even if he didn't leave the TARDIS for that time. Ianto wasn't really sure that he understood what was going on, he was confused, and didn't remember anything before waking up in that hospital with the Doctor telling him he was bringing him home.

Ultimately though, Ianto hadn't gone very far, just across the Wharf to a pub that was only beginning to fill up for the nights work. Ianto couldn't remember where he was going, but he was simply beating a path that felt familiar to him, for all of the discomfort he felt when arriving at the bay, it seemed natural that he would inevitably retreat from it. His mind was a jumble of memories that he couldn't pull up, seeming as if he were looking and listening to them through water. Slowly he sank into a seat and rested his head on his elbows and stared blankly at the mirror that was located behind the bottles. Trying to grasp for anything that he could manage to pull into his mind.

Some of the memories he did vaguely recall he thought might have actually been nightmares, but it was hard to judge reality when you spent the last few days with a mad man in a box that was bigger on the inside and traveled through time and space. It was possible that this encounter might have skewed his perception on reality just slightly.

In his reverie he had nearly entirely ignored the bar tender, who now cleared her throat to get his attention.

"What'll you have handsome?" She asked when his eyes finally shifted from the mirror to her.

"Oh, I haven't any money." He said realizing suddenly that fact, he stiffened slightly and flushed some, clearly embarrassed that he had not thought of that sooner.

"Gin and Tonic." The voice came from behind him, one he recognized. It seemed that Jack had followed him from the wreckage after all. He wasn't sure why it made him feel a little lighter. Jack crossed whatever space there had been and sat next to him, clapping him lightly on the shoulder. "And a bourbon on the rocks for me."

Ianto turned his gaze upon Jack, silently working out this man in his mind, trying to find the importance of him. He said nothing further until the tender arrived with their drinks.

"The Doctor told me I used to work for Torchwood. I know what happened at Canary Wharf. If I was working for them, I'm not sure I want to remember who I am, much less who you are. Lot of people are probably better off for it." A long drink was taken, nearly emptying the glass in a single gulp and leaving only a fifth in the bottom when he set it back down.

"There are a lot of people that I wish could forget me Ianto Jones. A lot of people I wish I had never put in harm's way... people that would probably be alive right now if they had never met me." He said into his drink once they bartender left again. "Torchwood is no longer, so there is no going back there even if you wanted too... for now, it is just me. And my only priority has been keeping the government officials from having Gwen assassinated for what she knows."

It seemed in Ianto's nature to listen. Listen without interrupting. He had no real memory that this was his role before, Jack's confidant, but it was just in his nature to listen without judgment.

His jaw tightened at the clear pain wafting off of the other man, but he did not speak, or take any action of comforting, trying to swallow down the uncomfortable feeling that was tangled up in his chest. It was almost as if it were an instinct to keep this man from being in pain. But that was something he couldn't convey, couldn't close to understand, and in the end, the emotional reaction to Jack was only furthering the confusion he was feeling, which manifested itself in the form of angry pessimism. "..So what, you're here to protect me now from being assassinated over stuff I might remember one day too?"

"No, you're listed as dead." He said softly glancing over at him, those brilliant blue eyes holding Ianto's pain lingering there. "You are dead... in this time... I don't know when or how you ended up on Zeta 5, but I watched you die... in my arms... and it was all my fault... maybe the best thing I can do is bring you to Gwen and keep the two of you as far away from me as possible."

Ianto debated these words, but he could tell that this realization was hurting Jack, for some reason he just couldn't seem to remember, but also he could tell that Jack was dead serious as well. "The problem is... I don't know if I am strong enough to do that... to let you go and never see you again"

Ianto couldn't hold Jack's eyes for long; they slipped away quickly and focused back on his drink. He didn't seem fazed by anything Jack had said, then again, Ianto had always been a hard one to shake, which had likely had something to do with his being recruited into Torchwood 1 to begin with.

"It was a virus. Not like the flu or chicken pox, the nurses said it was..boiling my insides, it's what they think caused the brain damage. It only stopped after they took me off life support and I went under with it. I've still got it, funny thing about viruses, they stay in your DNA permanently after you get it. But it's possible I never actually died, I was just that far gone. They had never seen anything like it. You told the Doctor you were infected too?"

Jack listened to Ianto as he explained the virus, and mused over the reason that he was still alive even after Jack had died, and how the nurses of Zeta 5 cured it. Jack took a drink of the bourbon before placing the glass down, letting his head fall slightly as he spoke.

``Yeah, the virus was developed by an alien race, we call them the 456, but I don't know their actual name. Some odd 200 people were exposed because you and I challanged them... and of that 200 only you and I survived.`` He said softly. ``It's complicated... but I can't die is the short of it.``

Jack's gaze watched his own, and Ianto could tell he was trying to gage Ianto's reaction to his words. In typical Ianto fashion, he took the information wordlessly, simply absorbing it. His gaze had shifted aside to study Jack as he spoke, but his eyes immediately shot away when Jack's scrutiny returned to him, almost as if he was reluctant to allow himself to be caught watching him. Tightening his jaw for a moment, he simply drank down the rest of his gin and tonic and pushed the glass faintly out in front of him. "Nearly 200 people died because of us, then. And you think it's actually worth it for me to remember who I am?"

"Ten percent." Jack said looking back into his glass again. "That is what the 456 wanted. Ten percent of the Children of Earth... and the Earth was going to give them to them. And you, brilliant ballsy Ianto Jones, you convinced me to stand up to them. 200 people died, you died, but in the end, you gave me the strength do what had to be done to save the Children."

He said softly a grin offered as he looked sidelong at the other. "That is what happens with Torchwood... sometimes people died, sacrifices were made, but it was always for the greater good... for Cardiff anyway... Torchwood as a general whole... were corrupt nearly from the very start."

"I gave you the strength," His voice was tempered as he repeated the exact words that Jack had used, gaze finally shifting up to him and lingering, hesitant but actually willing to meet his gaze for the first time. "Were we..."

Color flushed Ianto's cheeks, though it would be hard to see in the dim lighting of the bar. Those pale eyes seemed suddenly very focused upon his empty glass for a moment. He hadn't thought of himself as gay, even traveling in the TARDIS with two men, however, he didn't really know anything about himself either so it was hard to know. "I'm sorry if that's inappropriate, and we just worked together, I just... it feels like there was something more."

"Oh it was so much more then what you're thinking." Jack chuckled. "Unfortunately, It took me too long to realize that... So, I am going to do one last thing for you."

Jack turned his attention to Ianto, giving him his full attention as he took out what appeared to be a small Altoids box and placed it on the bar in front of him.

"I am going to tell you everything. Every bloody and brilliant detail... and then I'm going to give you this, and let you decide if you want to remember." He said pulling out a small white pill and placing it on the bar in front of Ianto. "It's called Retcon. It makes you forget, this one pill will wipe the entire day from your memory... so what do you say? Come back to mine, and let me explain... there are a lot of things I shouldn't explain in a crowded pub."

Ianto's eyes trailed slowly down the pill that had been placed on the bar in front of him, lingering as he debated the words that Jack had spoken, explaining what the pill would do if Ianto took it. Ianto wasn't sure that he wanted to know everything, not sure that he was ready for it yet, but having the options of not remembering, of having this memory erased and going back to ignorant bliss was somewhat comforting at least. He reached out carefully, gingerly picking up the pill between his thumb and forefinger, determining that if this pill did indeed do what Jack said it did, it probably shouldn't be left sitting on the bar in public anymore then what Jack was saying shouldn't be said in public. Ianto palmed the pill and nodded his head to Jack as he got up from the seat.

"Thank you; I wasn't sure what I actually drink." Ianto said to Jack.

"We don't have to do this now if you are not ready too." Jack said softly after watching Ianto working through all of this information. He knew there was a chance it could be a bit much for him. When Ianto came to his feet, Jack did as well, before reaching into his pocket and tossing a few pounds down on the counter for the tender to pay for the drink. "Actually I've never seen you drink anything stronger then a beer, and an occasional glass of wine on more intimate occasions, but I thought a Gin and Tonic was in order... you looked like you needed a real drink."

Ianto smirked slightly as if he had already begun to suspect that he wasn't naturally a heavy drinker, he ducked his head a fraction and stood until Jack started towards the door, following into step behind him.

"And randomly, I really do love that coat." Ianto said softly. Nothing was said about his tolerance for liquor, not exactly wanting to admit that he already was feeling the beginning inklings of a buzz off the one drink. He'd just have to make a mental note of not making pub visiting a habit; at least not until he could remember his limits, anyway.

Jack turned back to him walking out the door, flashing him one of those brilliant Jack Harkness smiles when he said that he loved his coat, eventually he would hopefully remember that those words had been some of the first words he ever spoke to Jack.

"Yeah, you'll probably be feeling that... but it might make listening easier." He said with a wink. He had to stop himself from offering his hand back to the other, rather keeping them in his pants pockets for the moment... not that Jack was careful with his sexuality, but it was probably best not to hit Ianto with the `we had been fucking for three years and dating for two before you died` speech just yet. Ianto probably wouldn't have been positive that what was Jack had been doing (even at the point of his death, he had been going through a period of insecurity when it came to their relationship, a fact he had even expressed to his sister) if he had actually offered him his hand. When Jack had not verbally responded to the comment about his attire but grinned instead, something in Ianto's gut twisted reflexively and he caught himself forcing his eyes away again to school his expression back into one that was passive. "First you tell me that we're effectively responsible for two hundred deaths not too long ago, give me an amnesia pill, and now you're admitting that you knowingly contributed to my possibly becoming drunk. Charming."

"You'll learn to love it." He said about his strange way of dealing with things as they got into the cab. He gave the cabby the address and rode in relative silence, letting Ianto soak in the surroundings, letting anything maybe spur a memory so he didn't have to watch the look in Ianto's eyes when he explained. "You hungry? I could order pizza..." It was a soft cue, since Ianto was almost always ordering Pizza for the crew, maybe he would remember something little and stupid like what kind of Pizza he liked... Jack let him mull over it as he unlocked the door and moved upstairs, from the outside the building was not much to look at, but after a brief cargo lift ride, the doors opened to something suiting of Jack. A bit more extravagant then the simple room he kept at Torchwood. High ceilings, hard wood floors, it was for the most part a one room, but one huge room, the bedroom sectioned off by beveled glass panels that were not easily seen through, the living room area set up to the right, kitchen to the left, bathroom off of the bedroom... he deactivated the alarm and stepped in, pulling off the beloved coat and throwing it over the bar like counter of the kitchen. ``Water?``

Distantly, something chimed in his head at the question about pizza, expression tightening in a way that suggested he wasn't sure he actually remembered something or not. "Is there something called..a Jubilee pizza?" It sounded ridiculous to him, and definitely not a specific type, as no certain ingredients jumped out at him in association. Following him inside, Ianto pulled up short, not in shock necessarily but just taking in the flat in appreciation. It definitely did seem to suit Jack, though something told him he probably didn't spend a lot of time there. Despite it appearing comfortable, it didn't look very lived-in either and especially nothing like an atypical bachelor pad. "Yes, please," In regard to the water, especially if he was going to be feeling the drink any more than he already was.

"No, but that is the name of the place we bought Pizza from all the time." Jack said with a smile, clearly pleased that he had asked. That was definitely not something he would have picked up traveling with the Doctor. "So how long were you in the TARDIS for before he brought you to me?"

Jack pulled out a couple of bottles of water and handed one over to Ianto. Indeed the place wasn't well lived in... but then again, after spending two years with Ianto, he had learned to clean up after himself as well. So it wasn't that he was never here, just that he wasn't here much. Ianto took the bottle of water gratefully, breaking the seal and taking a drink of it as he considered the question asked of him.

"A few days, it is hard to tell how many days pass when you're in there, and there was an issue with some aliens called Sontarans, it's why he was on Zeta 5 at all. The Zetians were being invaded. Someone there told him about me and he came and said he knew where I was from. I'm not sure how."

"I don't know either." Jack said thoughtfully. "Well no... I suppose he met you once, different face though, and he might have remembered you... I hear tell he never forgets a face."

Jack took a moment to order the Pizza from the normal place they got pizza from. He gestured for the other to follow him over and he sat on the couch, letting him chose how near or far to sit from Jack himself. Ianto wavered indecisively for a moment as Jack settled down on the couch, he paused before lowering down to the cushion adjacent him, not quite directly alongside him, but he wasn't pressing himself into the opposite arm to have intentional space between them, either. Whether or not he knew entirely why, he did feel more comfortable with him than he did apart, something for the time being he wrote off as a natural response to the confusion since he woke up in the hospice while his memories attempted to come back.

"Shit, the Sentarans were invading the Zetians... that's shitty... the Sentarans invaded here once too... be only barely managed to finish them off." He said thoughtfully. "And amazingly, no one remembers... I always do find it amusing how willing humans are to forget something happened."

"You talk about humans like you're not one. You can't die. Are .. you an alien?" Ianto didn't seem to be alarmed by the possibility, not like most people should be. It was strange to him how calm he seemed to be in the face of situations that would make most people react terribly.

"All I can really say is that I was born human." Jack said honestly to him, running his fingers back through his hair. "Other than that, I guess... I don't really know what I am... I was born in your future, the 51st century... I was a time traveler, I met the Doctor in WWII... and started traveling with him, I was killed by the Dalek in the year 50,000,000 and was brought back to life... and since then, I couldn't die."

Jack was watching the other's reactions, he had told Ianto all of this, and so much more when they were together, much to Owen's chagrin thinking Ianto was just a fuck, he had actually become someone very special to Jack a confidant. Ianto's eyes never shifted from the other's brilliant blue ones, listening intently as he spoke.

"Never die. How old are you? And not even if you are shot? Or blown up? Or just not from old age?" Jack didn't look old. Being perpetually frozen as a handsome young man didn't sound like a terrible fate; then again, Ianto had no way of knowing just how long it had gone on, much less how lonely it could be.

"I have been shot, and blown up..." Jack said looking at the other. "Burned at the stake, cut to ribbons, thrown off of buildings, electrocuted... I won't go on... but I am still here. I don't age... I don't die. I am technically around 2200 years old... but 1700 of that I spent buried alive, and 300 in cryogenics... so I have really only done about 200 years of living."

"You've just gone on alone all this time?" Ianto asked softly.

"No. Not all alone. I've had lovers; you were one of them... I've been married, had a daughter, a grandson..." Jack stopped talking, taking a breath, he had never told Ianto before about Alice and Steven, and he knew, he knew how much finding out about them broke Ianto's heart... he wasn't starting this again in lies. "And before you start wondering... you're not gay. You had a fiancée, Lisa... and you loved her with everything you were... you and I... just happened, and it was amazing." Jack said with a bit of a fond grin. "And I don't expect it to happen again... even if you do get your memory back, I want you to understand, I have no expectations."

The impact of the revelation about Jack's family was not nearly as potent just then (and it likely wouldn't have been even then had Jack not broken it on him so suddenly, particularly when Ianto had been insecure about their relationship in general). Nodding slowly, Ianto sank backward a small amount into the cushion rubbing his palms against his knees as he stared forward, mulling the words over carefully. "And that's what we were. Lovers?"The word didn't settle well with him. The twisting in his chest, the ache that had crawled into the pit of his heart as Jack spoke about his marriage, child, grandchild; those weren't normal responses to something that was just a lover to you. He didn't know the circumstances of the relationship though. The feelings could have been there for Ianto.

"Lovers? Eh." He said softly. "I don't know what to call what we were. I couldn't be everything you had wanted me to be. I couldn't be the one you spent your life with, grew old with, loved until the very end, and were buried with. I couldn't be a `life partner`... even if I had married you I couldn't do that...`` Jack said looking towards the window, his own thoughts left to that same day. ``I guess I always pushed you away because I thought you deserved better. And because I was afraid, afraid to let myself love again...`` He focused back on Ianto for a moment. "I go on, but I remember. Every moment... I never forget. You were always worried about that, but my mind is as fixed as my body... Everyone I have ever loved I remember, and I feel the pain of losing them, and it hurts... I guess I was trying to protect myself from that... and failed, miserably."

In Ianto's mind, flash of a strange ceiling; square divisions, like what one would see in the ceiling of an office building. His vision was swimming dizzily and it took him a few moments of struggling - "Ianto! Look at me! Don't leave me!" - for a face, Jack's face to ease into focus. Jack was cradling his head, which was slightly uncomfortable because Ianto felt as if he was burning alive from the inside out, burning up with the sudden fever that the virus had brought on. "I -" "Don't speak. Save your breath." "..I love you." Jacks eyes had misted with sudden tears. "Don't."

Jack's eyes focused again as he realized something was not quite right. Ianto was always a quiet listener, but he could tell that something else was at work. He moved a bit closer to Ianto, bringing his head down enough to see his face. "Ianto? Are you alright?"

Swallowing roughly, Ianto's head ducked forward, turning just enough that Jack couldn't see his face, blinking rapidly until the images bled into his mind's eye again, searing pain and terror of that moment along with them. "I.. need to go check on Rhiannon. She thinks I'm dead." His voice was heavy, face remaining away but Jack had not yet said his sister's name.

Jack's hand came up and tipped the other's head upward. When Ianto said his sister's name Jack blinked some. `"Rhia thinks she buried you Ianto... how are you going to explain this to her?" He said before canting his head some. "Wait... I never told you her name."