James lay there in his bed, watching Lily sleep. He wasn't surprised she was still asleep, he had only just woken up. They had had sex, in the bathroom, in the shower, in the hall, against the door and finally in the bed. He was exhausted. Neither of them had said anything about what they were doing.
If he concentrated really hard, he could pretend that this was normal. That he was just an ordinary guy, that spent the morning making love to his wife. He wished that was how it was so much it hurt. He couldn't even hold her, in case he woke her.
He knew what would happen when she woke up. She would feel so guilty for cheating on Colin. He shouldn't have let it happen, he should have thought what it would do to her. But he couldn't, he knew he couldn't, as soon as she had kissed him all coherent thoughts went out the window. It had been so long since he had been able to kiss her.
"I love you flower, I love you so much. I just wish I could be the man you deserve. I'm not, I know I'm not. I betrayed you in the worst way, and I will hate myself for the rest of my life for doing that you. I know what happened this afternoon will probably have only made things worse, because now you'll hate me….I took advantage and I'm sorry. I just seem to keep hurting you…." He said emotionally, pressing a kiss to her forehead.
Then he noticed Lily was starting to stir, so he did the only thing he had time to do. He pretended to be asleep.
"Hmmmmppphhhhhh uh….James….oh," mumbled Lily slowly coming round.
"Ummm……yeah," groaned James, pretending to wake up too.
"No, no, no….." muttered Lily jumping out of bed, realising the situation.
"Lily…." Tried James.
"No James, don't," she shouted, "This should never have happened"
"But…."
"But nothing, this isn't me," she shouted pulling on a pair of James' boxers and shirt, "I don't cheat on people who love me, I don't pull a relationship apart and break someone's heart just for a quick fuck…."
"Lily…."
"I'm not you," she said storming from the room.
---------------------------------------------
The next morning, Lily walked into the kitchen from the backdoor , to find James and Sirius having breakfast.
"Well good morning," said Sirius, "Aren't you the dirty little stop out?"
"Good morning to you too," said Lily.
"Morning Lily," said James, he just wanted her to at least talk to him.
"Morning James," said Lily, but she didn't look at him.
"Spend the night at Colin's?" asked Sirius, Lily was like a little sister to him and he liked to know where she was and if she was alright.
"Yeah," said Lily, pouring herself some coffee, "I actually wanted to talk to you two"
"About what?" said Sirius.
"I'm uh….moving out," said Lily not being able to look at either of them.
"Why?" James blurted out, "Are you moving in with Colin?"
"No, I'm not. I found a place of my own," said Lily again not looking at him.
"Wow….. that is a little unexpected. When are you moving out?" said Sirius.
"Today," said Lily.
"Isn't that a little quick?"
"I guess, but what is the point in waiting," said Lily.
"I suppose," said Sirius, "I wish I could stay and help you pack, but I have to go to work today."
"That's alright there will be plenty of boxes here waiting for you to lift when you finish," said Lily.
"I'll miss having you around here," said Sirius kissing the top of her head.
"I'll miss being here, but you can visit anytime you want," said Lily.
"I intend to," said Sirius, "You coming Prongs?"
"I'll be there in a minute," said James.
"Okay," shrugged Sirius and then he apparated.
As soon as Sirius was gone, Lily got up and made to go upstairs.
"Lily…Lily come on, you have to talk to me sooner or later," said James following her upstairs.
"Why? What do we have to talk about?"
"You know what"
"James…" she sighed stopping at the top of the stairs.
"Look I understand how you're feeling…"
"Do you? I cheated on him when he hasn't done anything but love me, how could you understand how I feel?"
"I did it to you, I know how it feels. I know the guilt and self-loathing"
"And I know how it feels to be on the other end," said Lily.
"Did you tell him?"
"No, I didn't. And there is no reason why he should ever find out."
"He won't hear it from me I promise," he said.
"Thank you."
"It's the least I can do," shrugged James, "But Lily what about us?"
"What about us? There is no us and there never will be again."
"I meant us as friends."
"Oh……"
"Can't we please just forget it ever happened and go back to how things were. You're one of my best friends Lily and I don't want to lose you and what we have."
"Me neither," sighed Lily.
"So….."
"So we should forget it every happened, and try to get back to the way it was," she said.
"Really?"
"Yes really James. What happened yesterday is more my fault than yours anyway," she said.
"Your fault? How is it your fault?"
"You are single, I'm not. I shouldn't……it shouldn't have happened. But you're right we are great friends, and I don't want to lose your friendship…."
"You won't, and for what it's worth I'm sorry about what happened too," lied James.
"Okay, so we just forget it and things go back to normal?"
"Yes," said James.
"Good"
"You don't have to move out."
"That isn't why I am moving out. Colin and I talked last night, and I'm never going to be ready for us to move in together if I can't leave this place. I've never really lived alone anyway. After I left Hogwarts I lived with you, then I stayed with my cousin in Ireland, then here. It will be nice to live alone."
"It's not safe to live alone now though."
"Well then I should really ask my best Auror friends to put up some security for me then," said Lily.
"I should bloody well hope so," said James, "We'll be over as soon as we finish work"
"Thank you"