Chapter 8

"I wish you would just tell me what to do. I don't know how to make you happy…" whispered James to a sleeping Lily.

Her sleeping head was resting on his chest. He had one arm round her waist, his other hand on her cheek. He couldn't help but watch her, just breathing in and out. She was so perfect, he couldn't believe she had cried because she thought he was leaving, that she cared that much about him after what he had done to her

"Not moving to Edinburgh would be a good start," she mumbled, starting to wake up.

"Um…How long have you been awake?" he asked cautiously, he had been talking to her for over an hour.

"Just a few seconds," she muttered softly, rubbing her eyes as she slowly became more awake. She yawned before continuing. "Why?"

"No reason," he said.

"We have to talk more now don't we?" she asked, not lifting her head from his chest.

"I think so," said James, "But only when you're ready. I know I dropped this on you, and it's not fair. So…."

"You should have told me that you…."

"That I still love you…"

"Yeah. You should have said something, anything. We've been living together for almost a year. How could you not say anything?"

"I told you, I want you to be happy. I thought Colin was making you happy so I kept my mouth shut."

"But all those women….loads of them…"

"Not one of them lasted more than month," said James. "Because none of them were you. How was I meant to try and love someone else when I had already married the one I was meant to be with?"

"But…How could I have not noticed anything?"

"Maybe you just didn't want to see it," he said his hand cupping the side of her face.

"But…"

"Look I understand. I've confused you and you really don't need this right now. But I can't take it back now…and I don't want to," said James, "But I do need to know one way or another if I even have a hope with you again."

"I don't know…"

"I know you don't."

"But I….you can't move to Scotland…"

"I'm not going anywhere," said James, "look my shift starts in 10 minutes. I have to go and tell them….I haven't transferred. I can't leave them short handed."

"It's okay, I know," said Lily. Even though James had officially transferred to Scotland, he was in London and he hadn't been replaced. So he had to go in just in case there was an attack.

"But I want you to know that I love you. I love you so much, and I'll never ever hurt you again and I'll do anything and spend the rest of my life making it up to you, if you'll let me. Just know that, okay?" He said, passionately looking her in the eye, and she knew without a doubt that he meant it.

"Okay."

"I'll be back in the morning, I promise," he said, kissing the top of her head.

"Okay."

----

"What the hell happened to you two?" Lily demanded the next morning.

James and Sirius had just come home from their shift. Their clothes ripped and muddy and their faces all cut and scratched.

"Well, a good morning to you too," said Sirius wearily, as he all but collapsed onto the nearest chair.

"Sit down both of you. I'll clean up your faces," she sighed, getting the first aid kit out.

"Well thank you, Healer Evans," said Sirius, once Lily had cleaned up all his cuts and scrapes. "But I'm exhausted I'm going to bed."

"No problem. Good night," said Lily, now turning her attention to James' face.

"Night mate."

"Night."

"So, what happened?" she asked, gently cleaning the blood from his face.

"There was an attack in Manchester, it got a little nasty," said James.

"Didn't you get the healers to check you over?"

"There were people a lot more hurt than I am," he said, wincing as she cleaned his wounds.

"I suppose I should just be grateful that you both came back in one piece."

"We've been trained to deal with the attacks, we hardly ever lose any Aurors."

"But it does happen?"

"Sometimes," sighed James.

"You should get some sleep, you look at tired as Sirius," said Lily once she had finished cleaning his face.

"Lily…"

"I know we have to talk some more, but we can't do it when you look like a zombie. Just go and get some sleep. I have to go to work anyway. I left some food in the oven for you both."

"Thanks," said James, "But tonight?"

"Tonight we will finish talking, I promise."

"Okay then, be careful."

"I know."
-----

"I brought food," Lily shouted as she apparated to James and Sirius' later that night.

"Oh great, I'm starving," said Sirius.

"Well, here you go and there is even enough for…..wait, what's her name this week?"

"Denise."

"Right well there is enough for Denise, you can eat it upstairs," said Lily, handing him a brown paper bag with takeaway food in it.

"I get the feeling you want rid of me," said Sirius, feigning hurt.

"You're very intuitive," remarked Lily.

"PRONGS FOOD!" Sirius shouted.

"What are we having?" grunted James, coming into the kitchen.

"Well Miss Evans has brought Chinese, and I've got my own little bag so I'll be going,"
said Sirius, taking his bag and leaving the room.

"Alright, what are we having?" said James, suddenly feeling nervous.

"Your favorite, of course," said Lily, "Beef chow mein"

After they had finished eating, they both sat down on the sofa facing each other. Lily seemed to be confused one minute she was staring determinedly at James as if she was completely positive of what she was going to say, then she would suddenly look away as if conflicted.

"So…where are we? What do we do now?" asked James.

"Well I've thought and thought about it, all night and all day," said Lily. "Obviously there is still something between us, I mean the sex…"

"Yeah it was…wow."

"Yeah it was. There is no doubt there is still chemistry."

"But the big question is can you trust me again?" he asked, holding his breath for her answer.

"James, you're my best friend and I trust you with my life, with my biggest secret but…"

"But you can't trust me with your heart again," said James sadly.

"No, I'm so sorry" said Lily, the tears falling from her eyes again.

"It's alright, it's okay. Don't cry, you have nothing to be sorry for," said James, pulling her into his arms and rocking her back and forth.

"I wish I could just fall into your arms and say that everything can go back to the way it was. But I can't, it would be a lie," said Lily, once she had stopped crying. But she still let James hold her; she didn't pull away.

"It's okay, this is my fault. I know that." He said holding her even tighter.

"I want to though, and I think in time I can…"

"What?" asked James, allowing himself to feel some hope.

"I think that with a little time I could trust you the way I used to…"

"Seriously?" James couldn't believe what he was hearing. Lily was actually willing to give him a chance, to trust him again. He suddenly felt so light as if he could fly, there was some hope of getting back what he had thrown away, of getting the most precious thing in his life back properly.

"Yeah…"

"Take all the time you need," he laughed, he was so relieved. He thought that it was over forever.

"I will. But what I thought we could do was what we did the first time…"

"I don't understand."

"Well when we went out at school, I didn't trust you not to hurt me at first, remember?"

"Yes."

"But in the end I did. So I thought we could do it like that again."

"You mean?"

"I mean date again. Like a first date: no sex, and maybe a goodnight kiss. Start from the beginning, a fresh start. What do you think?" asked Lily suddenly nervous about her plan, and how James would react.

"I think it's a great idea," he said, looking down at her, grinning like an idiot.
"Really?"

"Of course, and this time I am not going to screw up I promise."

"You better not, there won't be a third chance."

"I won't need one."

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