Chapter two
Matthew to Alfred
I sigh.
I take a long drag from my cigarette. I sit on the ledge of the window as I write, I stare out to the sky clouds dot the sky but the moon shines through and snowflakes fall from the heaven above, lights dance across, I listen to the waves of the ocean, the wind blows, chilling. I glance at you, sleeping soundly.
You remind me of a cigarette
You burn up slowly and then go out like that
You are so confusing. You are hot and cold. You see me and then you don't. You kiss me and you hit me. You love me and then you don't care.
You make it harder for me to breathe
You make my head hurt you make my skin stink
You don't understand, I Love You! You just keep hurting me!
My wrists are bleeding, the metallic smell hangs in the air around me.
My heart beats faster but it struggles to continue its beating irregular and wrong.
My head is racing, I can't breathe! Why won't you save me!
So why don't you leave me alone
or say you were wrong
'Cause I don't wanna hide
I need the tears inside to dry
I want more than just to try and love you
Jekyll and Hyde
I keep pushing you away but you are persistent in this cat and mouse game that we always seem to play. I won't you to leave me alone, because you hurt me so. But I can't stand my ground and get away. You know what you do is wrong, why can't you admit it? Is your pride to strong? I don't want to hide. But I can't take this anymore, I can't keep crying. I try and try, I love you true, but I can't stand you. You love me but you can't stand me which leaves me black and blue. This is how I fade, invisibility taking over.
Well it's not easy for me to be
Somebody different somebody else but me
Do you realize how hard it is to play a different person? How hard it is to live a lie? I'm not outgoing like you, nor am I as charming and wild, I'm not as active, nor as loud. My anxiety keeps me from crowds and that annoys you. You're annoyed by who I am, but I'm sorry I can't change, I've tried.
But you're the actor the extraordinaire
You make it look like I am the crazy one here
You act like our relation is perfect, yet you hide it from the world. You make me look crazy when I mention anything about us. You laugh and say as if. I could never be good enough for you. I'm starting to see that now. You couldn't be with a 'freak' like me. Words hurt, and you really know how to use your words.
So why don't you leave me alone
or say you were wrong
'Cause I don't wanna hide
I need the tears inside to dry
I want more than just to try and love you
Jekyll and Hyde
I keep pushing you away but you are persistent in this cat and mouse game that we always seem to play. I won't you to leave me alone, because you hurt me so. But I can't stand my ground and get away. You know what you do is wrong, why can't you admit it? Is your pride to strong? I don't want to hide. But I can't take this anymore, I can't keep crying. I try and try, I love you true, but I can't stand you. You love me but you can't stand me which leaves me black and blue. This is how I fade, invisibility taking over.
I am willing to forgive
Are you willing to take ownership
I can forgive you for all you've done, if you forgive me for not being what you want, for not trying hard enough.
But will you take ownership, of everything you have done? Take ownership of us?
Cause I am so willing to forgive
We're only given one chance to live
I want to fogive you, because I love you, I want our relationship to change, I want this to work, I want to forgive and forget but it's hard to do when you don't agree. I know I can forgive you, I love you still, so true. We have one chance in this world, only one chance to live. Why suffer through it when we can live it great? I can't deal with this, I can't be treated like trash, I can't be ignored. Can't you understand that?
'Cause I don't wanna hide
I need the tears inside to dry
I want more than just to try and love you
Jekyll and Hyde
I don't want to hide, but I can't keep crying, I can't feel like I'm dying. I try and try to love you true, but I can't stand you. You love me but you can't stand me which leaves me black and blue. You ignore me, and forget me, I can't take it anymore! I'm not invisible, I'm not a ghost! But that's how you make me feel. Until you make up your mind I need go, I need to live my life. I can't be on self destruct. For once I am going to voice my thoughts, so now you know. But can you understand it all? I doubt it, we have went through this before, but this time, I can't let it repeat itself, I can't let it happen again.
I love you and I forgive you. I'm sorry. I just can't be with you.
Goodbye Alfred/3
~Love, a ghost of me, Mattie.
I fold up the note and get off the window sill I walk into the room over to you, I set the note inside your hand, I bend and kiss your hand, I glance up at you, you sleep sound, how lucky you are you'd never understand. I stroke your hair and then kiss your lips, you stir a bit, but I just get up and go over to the window, I step up onto it and out into the night air, cold wind across my face, I leave the window open, so you know, I was taken by the cold. Snowflakes land on my face and I listen to the waves, one last look at the nighttime sky, the lights still dance across it. A small smile flutters to my face as I let go, I jump and fall to the water below. Freezing water submerges me and I surface, I swim to shore and rise to run, I run across the shore and to the cliffs and through the snow. Fading away into the wintery night