I'm sorry but no ANs just don't work for me, sorry. It has been a long week and I have been depressed of late. Why? No idea. It just seems like nothing ever clicks right anymore. Not your problems, so my bad. Hope you enjoy and review - I don't care if what you have to say is negative or positive, just review please! I was really pumped when Finn sang in the latest episode, YAY! That helped a lot.
I don't own Glee/Fox/Any of the characters in this story except for Deon/I don't own the songs below/I don't own these comments/So many other things...
6) The Cause
Finn spent the rest of the weekend inside of his room, laying on his bed and staring up at the ceiling. He was too preoccupied with his thoughts to even get up and, truthfully, he lacked the will to. A headache was slowly throbbing its way through his head, and it didn't help him at all, except maybe for not making him fall asleep. He was trying to figure out a way to get back Rachel without Deon ruining both their lives, and, so far, it wasn't working too well.
Maybe, I could get him to breakup with her, he reasoned. Could the same tactics be used against him as he did with me? Finn mused over it for a moment, then shot it down almost immediately afterwords. Finn literally had nothing to give her except his love; while Deon could give that and then some. Also, he doubted that Deon would simply allow him to take away Rachel without some sort of payback or form of reparation.
No, Finn said to himself with a mental shake of his head. I will need to think of a different way to get her back, and I am getting her back. No matter if it may cost me anything or any pain, but I will not let that rich snob have my woman. These thoughts gave him a surge of energy and he used it to text Rachel again. He had been periodically texting her, mostly when he got the will to do it, but she had never responded to them yet. He supposed that Deon could have her phone or be watching her texts, but Finn had a nagging sense that this was all Rachel. A dramatic silence of sorrow, anger, and pain was something typical of his ex-girlfriend; even if she didn't realize that she was doing it half the time.
"We need 2 talk ASAP. B4 Glee 2morrow? Or call r txt? Pls, Rach!"
He sent it with a flicker of hope, that she would answer, and anxiety, that she would ignore it. His eyes never moved from the screen; they were locked on the picture of him and Rachel he took with his phone when they were at the park. She had fallen asleep in the crook of his shoulder, a small smile upon her gentle face, and he couldn't help himself: he had to take a picture. Of course, him being Finn, he forgot to turn off the flash. Rachel had woken up and went into a playful rage, ordering him to delete the picture as she supposedly had 'bed hair.' He never thought she looked so beautiful than in that picture...with her in his arms.
Clenching his hands tight around his phone, he tried to keep the stupid tears at bay. Nothing was making sense anymore, everything had been totally screwed up and this was supposed to have been his year. The year of total bliss; Rachel by his side at all times; winning nationals; leading the football and basketball teams to state; proving to the vastly immature McKinley High School that glee was cool. Instead, Rachel was gone, Deon would be the singer to lead them to a win at glee, and his mind had been focused so much on Rachel that he barely gave sports a second thought.
His phone vibrated, and he practically broke the tiny device to read it. His sudden hope was deflated as the message was from Kurt, not Rachel. Finn debated whether to delete the message and return to his mopping or read it. He choose the latter; mostly because the first was too painful to return to.
"Let me in, I have an idea. And don't think of ignoring or, by the power of Madonna, I will rain fluffy pink death upon your truck at school Monday."
Finn had no idea what that meant, but knowing Kurt, it certainly couldn't be that masculine. He didn't need another reason to hate this year so he rose from his bed and padded over to Kurt's room, slightly irritated by the fact that Kurt couldn't of walked over to his room. What was he? A toy to be pulled around by a string? It seemed like everyone was throwing him around, only wanting him when they needed him. At the back of his mind, he heard a rational part scream at him that he was being irrational. He ignored it and knocked on the door to Kurt's room. "It's me, what do you want?"
The well-dressed boy opened the door with a frown. "You were supposed to text me back and say okay, so I could come over to your room."
"Does it matter?" Finn asked dully, his headache growing potent as he shook his head slightly.
"No, but it is the principle of the matter - I was just about to get the-" Kurt sighed, and held the door open. "I guess it doesn't matter, come in. Though, next time, text back so I don't have to bedazzle your truck. I was just about to go get the stones..."
Finn swept his gaze over the elegantly-decorated room and the fashion magazines that were stacked neatly on the other boy's desk and dresser. His mind took it in, but he didn't register any of it as important. Rachel was important, the message repeated over and over in his head, she is what you need.
"So, this idea?" Finn asked, trying not to make himself feel too much hope on the issue. It most likely would just be a thought he already thought of and shot down, and he would return to his room to sulk again. He didn't even have enough drive to turn on his Xbox and play the latest Call of Duty, a gift from his mom to perk him up. He had stared at it blankly, knowing he should of been happy or excited but simply couldn't; the same exact stare that he was giving Kurt now.
"As you know, Rachel is my friend," Kurt started, brushing a delicate strand of hair back into place as he did. "I am starting to get over the whole student election fiasco, even if I want to burn those signs of her every time I see them in the hallways... Anyway! I have been trying to call her and talk to her, but she is ignoring my calls as much as she is yours. Rachel probably thinks that you are using my phone to call her, so I am unceremoniously thrown into this."
Kurt meet Finn's gaze. "I still think you are freaking stupid for what you did, but at least you are trying to overcome your stupidity. So, I decided to help you along and give you a little push."
Finn growled as Kurt's voice added another level of pain for his head, "Can you just get to the point?"
Kurt beamed, considered himself amazing for ignoring Finn's rather mean tone, and said, "Sing."
"Sing?"
"Echo, yes. Sing." said Kurt, and hurried over to his desk. Finn saw him pull out the familiar folder that he had ripped out of his step-brother's hands a couple of days before. The taller boy felt a spike of regret for his actions; adding sarcastically a second later, 'just another to add to the pile.' "I was thinking, as you started this all by a song...that you could finish and apologize with a song. I can't believe you didn't think of this; we are in glee club, and sing our feelings away all the time."
"Ya, well, lately I have been getting screwed in that department." Finn said and took the offered folder from Kurt, this time with his consent. He scanned the songs; they were all about apologizing, making mistakes, and reuniting with love. They were perfect for the situation and Kurt must of went to a lot of work to get these, but none of them seemed to play well with him. They didn't show how he truly felt, the words not able to describe the feeling in his heart that he, himself, couldn't put together into words. "Thank you, Kurt. Though, I don't think any of these will work."
He held out the folder, which Kurt eyed with distaste and offense.
"Excuse me? But what do you mean 'I don't think any of these will work." said Kurt, looking injured behind a poor mask of nonchalance. Finn could always tell how his step-brother was feeling by his eyes: they were too easy to read. "They are perfect."
"It is not like I don't appreciate your help," Finn said awkwardly, looking anywhere but at Kurt. He couldn't meet the other boy's razor gaze. "I really do, you have been like super boy or something. Though, I think I need to find the song for myself. These songs are what you think I feel, but I am not sure they are what I feel. I'm sorry, Kurt."
Kurt eyed him for a moment, before, "I think that is the smartest thing you have ever said, Finn."
Finn blushed. "T-thank you, I better go. Have a song to find and all." He edged his way to the door, somewhat embarrassed an awkward. It wasn't like he and Kurt weren't close, but he still couldn't entirely forget about two years earlier. And being in his room was a little creepy; especially with the pictures of Blaine smiling at him. "Thanks, again."
"No problem," said Kurt, and held the door open for him. "Now get out, I haven't even started my moisturizing routine yet, and you know how I get-"
Finn didn't hear the rest, he had bolted as quick as his long legs could carry him. He knew too well of what happened when someone broke his routine - it wasn't pretty."
xXx
I hear you
I feel your pain
There is nothing I can say
To help you
"No," Finn muttered to himself as he gazed blurry-eyed at his computer screen. "I need to help her; not do nothing, who even makes a song like that?" He clicked back and kept scrawling through song lyrics, trying to grasp at the words to find the perfect one. His watch beeped, signaling that it was now two am. With an uncaring shrug, he just kept going. It wasn't like he had to work tomorrow...or a girlfriend to visit. He hadn't talk to Rachel in awhile and it was making him crazy; her voice, even if somewhat loud and used too-many words that he didn't understand, always brightened his day. This increased his determination that he would get Rachel back, and he read the lyrics with renewed alertness.
Do you hear my tears;
I know you see them.
But do you truly hear what they cry?
I shed them for you.
Do you hear me now...
"Tears don't even speak," Finn reproached the lyrics with a stern gaze, as if it was their fault he was staying up to almost three in the morning to search for a song that would help him express how he truly felt. Finn sighed.
Even to him the idea seemed kind of stupid now, but it was the only option he really had left.
An hour later, he, it seemed to Finn, had less than what he had started with. He had went through so many songs, not caring what genre or which artist sang them, but none of them ever clicked right. After looking through the words of a love song, he cursed it all and slammed his fist without a bandage on the keyboard. It clanked loudly in protest and a loose key cover popped off.
It was hopeless; he would never be able to find a song that will help him. He knew that he still had all day tomorrow (or rather later today) to search but he had a feeling that it wouldn't matter. He wouldn't be able to find words in a song that he didn't know himself, and he laid his head on the keyboard with a groan of weariness. He was tired. Tired of lyrics; tired of people telling him what to do; tired of Deon; tired of not having Rachel by his side.
He knew the irony, he was the one to break them up and now he was the one trying to unite them. It was a mistake, he tried to reason with himself; of course, it had only taken one mistake and barely a day to ruin an almost four-month paradise of being with Rachel.
One mistake...
My mistake...
Beep! Beep! Beep!
Finn jerked his head up from the keyboard, dazed at where he was and what the noise was from. It was only his alarm clock, he must have forgotten to turn off the alarm after he woke up yesterday to go to work. He turned it off with a routine motion, and turned his attention back to the computer screen. The machine had went into sleep mode as he slept but his weight off the keyboard returned it to life, and song lyrics popped out at him.
Finn didn't bother to even glance at it, knowing that it could not express how he was feeling. He toyed with the idea of writing a song, but, hell, he had no idea what to even say. It was so much easier to take words of others and express them as your own, Finn realized. His whole life had been that way; taking others recommendations and plans and toying with them to shape it to his own life.
"Damnit." Finn cursed, more to himself than anyone else. Everything was pointing to hopelessness and that he should just give it up, but something kept him from stopping; a 'something' that he already knew about. Her face, her personality, her love, her everything kept him from giving up and forfeiting his plan. So, thinking of Rachel and ignoring the fact that he was still in his clothing from yesterday, moved his gaze back to the screen.
He read the lyrics of the song once. Paused. Read them again with a small smile of hope, then a third time. It was too true to believe! He couldn't have...but his heart and mind were finally in sync.
Finn had found his song.
xXx
Finn's palms were warm as he sat in the choir room, trying to find a comfortable spot with his long legs. He had skipped half of his PreCalc class to get there early, eager to speak with Rachel as soon as was possible. He has tried to talk to her all day, but she was ignoring him at every spot she usually went through the day and when he did see her, she was with Deon. The Dale boy didn't even hide his success, grinning broadly at Finn whenever the two passed each other in the halls or when they unfortunately had class together. Finn could feel Deon's eyes on the back of his head in math and he practically heard him mutter, "I'm winning...I'm winning. You are nothing."
It was enough for him to break the mechanical pencil in his hand in able to contain his rage. It was hard; one of the hardest things he ever had to do, besides making the god-awful decision to break Rachel and himself up. It took every ounce of his concentration to not turn and make Deon into a new cutting board, but he managed. Picturing Rachel helped him cool his inner-demon and gave him hope throughout the day.
Seconds were hours and minutes were decades as the bell rang, signaling that the students had only a couple of minutes left before their next class or activity. Finn didn't notice as members of the glee club slowly began to file in, saying hello to him. He barely gave a nod; his eyes intent on the choir room's door. There wasn't much time left, Finn thought, only a couple of minutes. She isn't going to skip glee all because of me, is she? What if-
Rachel walked in at that moment, sweeping her eyes around the room. They landed upon him and, to his surprise, anger flared up in them. She stomped over to Finn and sat down by him, just like they did when they were dating, but she wasn't at all seeming friendly.
"I don't get you, Finn." Rachel said, smoothing her yellow skirt she was wearing with quick movements. "You want to break-up with me, then you call to yell at me, and now you keep sending me messages and texts from both Kurt's and your own phone? It-"
"I wasn't going to yell at you," Finn said frantically, wishing that his voice didn't sound as high-pitched as it did now. "Who said that?"
"Deon," answered Rachel, lifting her nose up slightly at him (not a small feat considering their height differences). "He told me what you wanted to say to me; that we were over and that we shouldn't be friends anymore. I don't understand why, and frankly I don't want to know if you are going to act this way. But don't torment me with these messages."
"Rachel," Finn couldn't help his anger. That sniveling and manipulative bastard! "I didn't say those things on the phone, I just wanted to talk to you. I made a mistake, I was wrong. Please, Rachel-"
"Are you okay, Rachel?" Deon was suddenly there, his gaze shifting between the two. There was a note of suspicion there, that Finn caught but Rachel was looking only at Finn. Her brow was furthered in deep thought, and her brown eyes flashed over his face like she was trying to read something. To everyone and everything, he hoped that she could read the love in his face.
"Fine..." Rachel said, still not looking at Deon. This seemed to bother the other boy greatly and he put a hand on her shoulder.
"Come on, let's go sit somewhere else," he said, giving Finn daggers with his looks. He didn't notice either; staring deep into Rachel's eyes as a connection passed among him and her. For Finn, it was reassurance. He couldn't lie to himself anymore or care what others thought about it.
Rachel Berry was the only one for him, and he knew that he was the one for her.
Rachel blinked suddenly, and a spasm of pain came across her face. "Okay, Deon." She got up and was about to start up the steps, when she turned to him. "I remember; I called you back the day we broke-up when we were still in the auditorium, Finn. I gave you a chance to come back...you didn't... and you can not be mad at me for not..." She burst into tears.
Finn grabbed her arm quickly before she could run up the steps, his heart shattering with each tear. "Just...listen to the song and know, I mean every word."
"That is enough!" Deon said, pulling away Finn's hand forcefully and offering his arm to Rachel to help her up the stairs. They vanished behind him as they took seats higher on the stairs, and Finn could feel every pair of eyes in the choir room upon him. They hadn't been completely quiet about everything and he heard Santana whisper.
"This is just crap." Her tone was one of disgust. "Rachel comes and steals pretty boy away from me, and I am left with Finn. Ugh."
Finn ignored the comment, his thoughts upon Rachel too strong to mind what Santana had to say about him. He had no choice now: he had to sing. It was the only way that he was going to get through to Rachel once and for all. So, when Mr. Schuester asked if there was any volunteers to start them for the day, Finn immediately stood up and said, "I will."
"Glad to hear it," Mr. Schu smiled at him and took a place next to Puck. Finn took his time walking to the front of the room; not wishing to turn around and see Rachel's tears. Tears that were caused by him and his stupid mistake. When he did turn, his eyes unconsciously meet hers, noting the anguish in them. Anguish that he caused. He wanted to do nothing more than to run to her, bring her close and let her just stay in his arms, telling her that he would never hurt her again.
Instead, he sang.
I, I who have nothing
I, I who have no one
Adore you, and want you so
I'm just a no one
With nothing to give you but oh
I love you
Finn's eyes burned upon Rachel's as the thrill of singing slowly burned through his veins. Every word came from his heart and he hoped that Rachel meant he knew every word.
He, he buys you diamond
Bright, sparkling diamonds
But, believe me, dear when I say
That he can give you the world,
But he'll never love you
the way I love you
He can take you anyplace he wants
To fancy clubs and restaurants
But I can only watch you with
My nose pressed up against the window pane
I, I who have nothing
I, I who have no one
Must watch you, go dancing by
Wrapped in the arms of somebody else
When darling it's
I Who loves you
I love you
Finn sang softly, feeling the tears appear in his own eyes.
I love you
He pointed at Rachel, who was still crying but giving him an odd look.
"I love you...Rachel," Finn finished softly and he let the last note hang slowly in the air as long as he could before ending. His heart was lightened; he had finally gotten the words out of himself and Rachel knew the words. Could this help her see why he did the things he has done? To help her, to let her have things that only Deon could give her; though he now knew that the only thing she ever wanted was his, Finn's, love.
The whole glee club had grown silent, even Santana who was always dying to make a comment. For once, she was actually looking at Finn with appreciation. Tina and Mike were curled up to each other, the girl's brown eyes filled with tears and giving Finn a watery smile. Kurt was practically beaming with his hand in Blaine's, and the well-dressed boy mouthed, "Bravo!"
Finn dimly registered this into his head, and kept his gaze upon Rachel. She stared back at him; her face and eyes suddenly cleared of all emotion. Ignoring Deon's protests and hand, she walked slowly towards Finn. She stopped when they were barely a foot apart with Finn realizing that this was the closest they had been since they last kissed and his chest was heaving with anticipation and from singing.
Rachel raised a hand and slapped him across the face, using all the force she could muster in her small body. A loud smack filled the choir room; Finn was unsure if it was the slap or the cracking of his heart. The hit had made his head pivot to the side and when he looked back at Rachel the only thing he could manage was, "Why?"
"You tell me you love me, then that we couldn't be together, now that you love me again?" Rachel said softly, her eyes puffy and red from crying but she wasn't crying now. They were two portals of mixed emotions, unable to have one show through clearer than the others. "I can't handle this, Finn. Not with student elections, the play, sectionals coming up, and having to worry about NYADA...I just can't, and you are not making this any easier. What you said to me the other day was true - I am always thinking of myself, never thinking of how you felt. So I thought and I thought, and thought I knew what you were trying to tell me...but then all this. I don't know what to think; maybe you are right and this is for the best."
Then she turned and walked out of the choir room; leaving Finn alone in front of the glee club.
Oh, snap. Thank you for reading!
REVIEW! No matter if critical or uplifting, just review please! Thank you!
~ The Dreaming Soul Writer