Weakness of the Heart
Chapter 8
Discarding the Heart and Mind
Actions speak louder than words—a credible piece of advice indeed. Most people don't really realize the meaning behind this saying. They simply choose their actions and gestures because their mind tells them to. They don't really think, though… It would be wise for humans to say—hey, what will this reflect upon me? Will I be doing something that will result in something I don't want?
Yes, it would be wise…
But humans aren't very wise in the first place. And, as a human, Sakura found herself lacking that very piece of advice…
What are my actions really saying about me?
Maybe that's why humans often find themselves regretting something rather than congratulating it...
Her vision blurred. Her body swayed, and, above all, her entire existence was completely numb.
She gazed at the empty cups in front of her and began to count… or at least tried to count.
One…three… two… five…
A soft giggle erupted from her throat as she finally realized her foolish mistake. Silly Sakura. She can count… really; just not now apparently.
She raised a shaky finger to touch each cup as she counted. But this time, without even knowing it, her thoughts were vocalized. "One… two…" A long pause erupted as her deafened mind attempted to function. "Four…?"
She heard Genma laugh half-heartedly next to her. "No, not quite. You skipped one in there."
She traced her languid eyes over to the man next to her. "No, I started with one you putz."
An erratic giggle tickled her throat for no reason in particular. She found it was entertaining to just laugh. There was no reason; she didn't need one. Everything was funny at the moment in her eyes.
Ino shook her head at the intoxicated kunoichi next to her. "My, my… it seems our Sakura can't hold her drink very well… or count."
Sakura giggled again, picking up one of the cups and peering into it like a Kaleidoscope. Her actions caused many humored chuckles to erupt from around her. It didn't phase her… in fact, it seemed nothing would or could phase her at the moment. She was so drunk she almost forgot about that dominant gaze Kakashi was sending her in the corner of his eye… or the heated rage in Sasuke's eyes as he glared at her.
That's right… almost…
She still felt both of their eyes boring into her, but it only pushed her more. She wasn't going to let them think they could control her. She had her own life. She could drink as much as she wanted, do whatever she wanted, and most of all, she could want to be with whomever she wanted.
Too bad anyone she would be interested in was either glaring at her darkly or gazing at her with disappointment.
But she pushed that thought away quickly, letting the emptiness of her drunken state return. She wasn't done yet; she was only getting started.
With a scrape of her chair, she stood abruptly, leaning over the table with a lopsided smile on her face. Her eyes seemed to blur together as she blinked, but she rubbed at them furiously, making her vision return. With a ludicrous chuckle, she began peeling her white jacket off.
All eleven pairs of eyes returned to her.
She ignored their watchful eyes as she swung her jacket around her head foolishly as if it was the most amusing thing she had ever encountered. Her breasts were hanging dangerously close to edge of her dress, but this time, she didn't reach down to cover her exposed skin. She truly didn't give a damn at the moment.
Releasing her jacket with a quick toss, she collapsed in the chair underneath her, falling half-way into Genma's lap in the process. Her head collided with his shoulder as the jacket flew limply into Naruto's lap. Genma reached out his arm to embrace her fall for, well, obvious reasons—he was preparing to lay his siege on the fuddled kunoichi.
"Sakura… slow down… you are going to hurt yourself." A smug grin curled on his lips as he leaned his body into hers.
The utter warmth of Genma's body made a tingling sensation erupt from the pit of her stomach. She leaned into his body, attempting to drink in more of the sensation. His manly smell mixed with cologne and sake tickled her senses as she slowly let her head fall limp against his shoulder. So this must be what Ino was talking about…
In all reality, Genma was not somebody Sakura would normally be drawn to. He was an idiot—a womanizer; and most of all; he never knew when to keep his damn mouth shut. But something was disarraying her senses beyond belief, and the man sitting next to her suddenly became the most desirable thing to delight all five senses.
"Sakura… I really don't think you know what you are doing…" Naruto's voice was dripping with concern, and normally, it would be enough to break her. But not today; she didn't even acknowledge it.
"Oh, please Naruto. She is a grown woman! She can handle herself for god's sake." Ino's voice rang in her ears, causing a smirk to tug at her lips.
That's right—she was a grown woman. And she was going to prove it…
Letting a shaky hand fall onto Genma's neck, she pulled herself out of her chair and positioned herself on his lap. His eyes grew wide with surprise as a satisfied grin spread across his face. She peered up at him through blurry eyes, feeling the eyes of hatred burn through her skin from every direction. They were all watching her—she knew it—and it was the reaction she wanted.
"My, my Sakura… aren't we a little aggressive?" Genma laced his arm around her thin frame, willingly pulling her close to his chest.
Sakura nuzzled her face into the crook of his neck, taking in his emanating warmth. The feel of his hands around her waist seemed to burn holes in her dress, summoning that familiar tingling sensation in the pit of her stomach. In the back of her mind, she was aware of how utterly wrong it was to feel that way about Genma, but the exciting, provocative feelings echoing through her body were too much to bear in her drunken state. Nothing mattered but the pleasure of the situation.
She could hear the opposing resistance of the protective friends around her, but the sound seemed muffled and distant as she focused on nothing but one, single, sense—touch. She reveled in the swirling sensation in her head, the ardent feeling of Genma's breath on her neck, and, most of all the inebriated feeling of acting on impulse—nothing less, nothing more.
She was, as most shinobi put it, exceptionally living by the seat of her pants…
However, one voice did happen to catch her attention. And it wasn't exactly his voice per se; it was what he said…
"Hey, Sasuke… did you ever find Sakura earlier? I mean you were looking for her, right? Was there something you wanted to ask her?"
Immediately, the sound of Naruto's voice made her tense up as she registered the words echoing in her ears. Sasuke… was looking for her? For a brief moment, the emptiness of her drunken state filled with anxiety and excitement. Her heart began to pound furiously in her chest as she awaited his answer. What had he wanted from her? Sasuke had pursued her the other day as well… had he come to look for her again? It was so unlike Sasuke to regard Sakura in any way, and the thought of him interested or concerned about her made her heart flutter in her throat.
Unfortunately for Sakura's sake, Sasuke's glare darkened as a fit of murky emotions poured into the atmosphere. He spoke up… silent and sullenly…
"No… it doesn't matter anymore."
His words seemed hollow and bitter, and he spoke as if Sakura was nothing to him but the dust on his shoulder. She traced her eyes over sluggishly and peered up at him, searching for any hope in his eyes. To her dismay, the only thing she saw was anger… disappointment… disregard. She was nothing to him.
As she gazed back at him softly, the only thing she felt was emptiness. How could she be so foolish to think this night would be good for her? Now, both Sasuke and Kakashi wanted nothing to do with her… or so she thought. The way they looked at her made her feel like a tiny insect—a worthless, stupid, puny insect. Maybe she was. She was too drunk to feel anything at the moment.
Her gaze shifted between the silver-haired jounin and the dark-eyed boy next to him. She wanted to speak up, to explain herself and her emotions; anything to let them know her real reasoning behind her actions; anything to make them stop gazing at her with hatred and disappointment. Why had she done that? Why had she agreed with Ino? She felt so damn stupid. All she wanted to do was forget the strange emotions arising in her heart. But could she really forget them after a night of reckless actions? She still thought… maybe so…
Letting her eyes fall onto Genma, she traced his face, searching for any miniscule hint of reckoning for her actions. He smirked back at her, raising his brow as he clicked his senbon back and forth in his teeth. His brown eyes were swirling with one emotion only—lust—and it was enough to make the pink-haired kunoichi wither into a pool of hypnotism. A man wanted her—plain, boring Haruno Sakura. He was attractive and mesmerizing at the moment… and the anticipation was the only thing that mattered in her mind.
And that was it…. In that one, single moment, Sakura came to the most important realization in her life—one that would change the course of her fate forever. She had no idea how vital her decision was at the moment for there was only one thing sticking out in her mind:
Pleasure.
She wanted to act on her senses without thinking… she wanted to feel the exhilaration of knowing that the wrong thing felt so damn right, but, most of all, she wanted to feel impassive when she thought about the two most important men in her life.
These were all things she merely wanted; she had no idea the consequences of what she was about to do, but she didn't really care to think about it. Consequences were not something she would regard anytime soon.
So, without hesitation, Sakura reached down the front of her dress and pulled out a couple of crumbled bills, slapping them on the table in front of her. And with a smirk on her face, she said the crudest words that would ever come out of her mouth.
"Alright, boys. I have an offer for anyone willing to take it." Her voice slurred, causing her to stall her train of thought. But she didn't stop. "I will give anyone fiftee dolla's to pop my cherry!"
At that very moment, all eleven pairs of eyes traced over to her in bewilderment. A deadly silence slipped between the group of conversing shinobi, suffocating the unperturbed atmosphere surrounding them. Utterly stunned by the kunoichi's offer, the group remained silent… staggered… paralyzed. Sakura sank back down slowly as the reality of the situation smacked her hard in the face, holding her breath hostage in her throat. She opened her mouth to apologize—to tell them she wasn't serious, but the sound of a scraping chair sliced through the silence furiously, startling her.
She traced her eyes towards the startling sound, only to find her heart wrenching at the sight before her eyes…
Kakashi…
He towered over the table with utter distress, his dark eye piercing through her swirling emerald orbs. Narrowing his eyes slightly, he sent her a discomfited glare mixed with disdain and heated rage. As she peered back at him lifelessly, the entire world fell away.
The only thing she could feel was the pain in her heart and the displeased aura emanating from his usually apathetic exterior.
She wanted to scream—to tell him she was sorry, but the silence deafened her drunken state as warm tears gathered behind her widened eyes. Her heart filled with anguish as she watched the silver-haired man thrust his hands in his pockets and turn away from the table, mumbling his good-byes. She reached her hand out towards his retreating figure, ready to bellow her apology, but the only thing that escaped her throat was a silent squeak. It was a pathetic sight really. Sakura looked as if her only love had walked out on her life forever; as if her heart had been ripped to tiny, insignificant shreds…
But then again, maybe it really had.
She wasn't really sure what she was feeling at the moment. The only thing that beat frivolously at the back of her mind was… regret. Regret for anything she had ever done in her life.
Especially this…
Sakura fumbled to escape Genma's grip. She wanted nothing more than to escape, to run after Kakashi, to tell him she was sorry for ever being a burden. But as she leaned forward to alleviate his grasp on her waist, a hand snaked forward and embraced her thigh, locking her in a fixed position.
All of the color drained from her face as all of her attention was brought to the burning sensation tickling her inner thigh.
She caught one last glimpse of Kakashi's retreating back as she slowly trailed her eyes down to the hand touching her thigh ever so softly.
"You're a virgin Sakura?" Genma's warmth breath tickled her earlobe as he leaned into her body, enveloping her in a hungry embrace.
Her mouth seemed parched and dry as she opened her mouth to form a rebuttal. The conscious Sakura wanted to feel so utterly violated by Genma's touch, but it was too late. Conscious Sakura was long gone; the only thing left was a dazed body encasing a kunoichi held hostage; a kunoichi fuddled with mixed emotion and intoxicating sake; a kunoichi no longer in touch with her heart or her mind—only her senses.
So she did the only thing she could at the moment—feel.
Pushing the thoughts of the absent copy-ninja out of her mind, Sakura leaned into Genma's touch, letting her head tilt towards his fervent mouth. Finally registering the reality of the situation, Naruto stood abruptly, his eyes filling with rage and contempt.
"Get your hands off of her you filthy piece of trash! You know she is totally vulnerable right now and I WON'T LET YOU HURT HER!"
Naruto's screeching voice severed Sakura's eardrum, making her wince in pain. Utterly annoyed by his outburst, she tilted her head towards him, sending him an agitated glare.
"Naruto, leave me alone. Don't think you can control me, too? I have enough with Sasuke and Kakashi-sensei breathing down my neck every twenty seconds!"
"Sakura, I don't think you know what you are saying…" Lee pressed his brows into a concerned frown as he spoke, but Sakura didn't care to notice. She was sick and tired of being treated like a child.
Anko narrowed her eyes slightly at the situation at hand. "Leave her be. She'll wake up tomorrow and realize the mistake she made…"
Not sensible enough to realize the true meaning behind Anko's comment, Sakura sighed, finally relieved that someone was on her side for once. What was with everyone acting like she was making the biggest mistake of her life? Tons of shinobi had been in her exact situation at age fifteen or younger, and nothing was said to them. Why was she always treated like a baby? Like someone who couldn't handle a damn thing on her own?
Aw, who gives a damn…
With that thought repeating in her mind, Sakura leaned into Genma's mouth, the cold tip of his metal senbon tickling her throat. Naruto's eyes watched her with building wrath, and within moments, another sound of a scraping chair echoed in her ears.
"ARGGH! I can't sit and watch this anymore! Snap out of it Sakura! You don't know what you are doing!"
Naruto grasped her shoulder tightly and peeled her out of Genma's grip, a storm of anger swirling in his cerulean eyes. She glared up at him darkly, shedding his strong grip on her arm.
"Goddammit Naruto! I'm eighteen fuckin' years old! I can have sex if I want to!"
Suddenly, Naruto shrank away from the heated kunoichi, a look of concern writhing his features. He furrowed his brows at her as he tilted his head down in shame. This wasn't his Sakura. It couldn't be; this was not the girl he fell in love with.
"No…" His voice was hushed and bleak. "I can't believe you... Not with him… not now. I thought you had more pride than that…"
Sending her one last rueful gaze, the blonde-headed boy turned away from her, repeating the same departure as the silver-haired jounin. As she watched him exit the pub silently, regret began funneling its way out of its buried position in her mind. She pushed it away forcefully. They had no right to treat her that way!
She turned back towards Genma, who seemed absolutely placid about the whole situation. He sent her a coy grin, returning his grip around her waist. She wasn't going to let their overbearing ways get to her. They just had to take her actions in stride. It was her life anyways…
Wrapping her arms around his neck, she leaned into his body, searching for the pleasurable tingling sensation of his warm breath on her skin. Genma smirked, removing his senbon and leaning into her ear…
"Let's get out of here…"
Her breath caught in her throat as the reality of the situation sank in around her. She was leaving alone… with a man much older than her… alone…where she would finally say good-bye to her childhood once and for all.
Her heart beat erratically in her chest, but she nodded apprehensively. She was ready. She wanted to get it over with, but as she stood shakily to ready her departure, a sullen voice caught her attention.
"You are a disgrace…"
Her heart wrenched at the sound of his stoic voice, and it was almost enough to retrieve her from her mesmerized state. She traced her eyes over to the dark-haired shinobi, sending him a look of assurance. He glared back at her, but this time, his eyes were not filled with rage; they were soft and sad… almost…
Anguished…
She averted her eyes away from him quickly in fear of his mesmerizing spell. She couldn't let him get to her as always… she wasn't going to let Sasuke stop her from doing this…
It was something that needed to be done…
Shutting her eyes tightly, Sakura laced her arm around Genma's waist. Sending Ino and Tenten a reassuring smile, she turned away from the table. It was now or never because, pretty soon, the alcohol would wear off, and god only knows…
This temporary state of confidence would slip away like no tomorrow.
It was obvious that Sakura could not deny her drunken state, though. This was illustrated in her attempt to walk out of the pub without stumbling to the ground. Her legs felt like rubber, and the soles of her feet were completely numb. She was hoping… praying… that she could exit the pub without a conflict. But no matter how hard she tried, she stumbled into chairs, people, tables…
Anything that came across her path, she was sure to stumble into it…
It was then that Sakura realized how drunk she really was. When she was sitting down, she couldn't feel the swinging sensation in her arms and legs, or the numb feeling in the tips of her fingers and toes. The newfound numbness in her body made her giggle as she stumbled through the doors of the pub, dragging the brown-haired man along with her.
She swung around, letting her back collide with the walls of the pub. A wide grin spread across her face as she pulled Genma flush against her body, drinking in the warm sensation of his body against hers.
Gazing back at him through blurry eyes, a wave of apprehension washed over her as she realized how inexperienced she was on the subject she was about to breech.
Hell, she had never even kissed a guy before.
Yet, there she was, drunk as a skunk and ready to plead for sexual actions. A distinct nervousness surged in her veins at that thought. She had sort of known what a male's anatomy was like, but she had never been in contact with it; at least not in a sexual way. What if her first time was a big mistake with someone as… experienced as Genma?
Apparently Genma had noticed the apprehension building in the drunken kunoichi, because he leaned forward, lacing his hand in her silky, pink locks. "Don't worry, Sakura-chan. I will take care of you. I am not going to hurt you… I promise."
His voice was husky and low, flipping on a hidden switch in her naïve body. She bit her lip as a warm, tingling sensation surfaced across her skin.
"I-I know… I-I've just n-never…"
He hushed her softly, placing a finger to her lips. She leaned into the pleasurable, burning feeling rising at his touch.
"I know… I know… don't worry." He paused, pressing his lips towards hers, letting his warmth breath linger above her skin. "Do you want to go to your place?"
For a moment, her heart almost leapt out of her throat as the thought of being with a man tugged at the mind of conscious Sakura. But … conscious Sakura was held hostage… and completely unable to fight back against the tingling sensation arising in the pit of her bosom.
She nodded apprehensively, completely driven by his lust-filled touch—nothing less, nothing more. He grasped her hand with a smug smirk, leading the fumbling kunoichi out into the dark street. She trailed behind him as best as she could, stumbling on anything that got in the way of her numb feet.
But as she stumbled down the dark, silent street, she felt the most gratification she had ever felt in such a forbidden act. Normal Sakura would stick to the rules… normal Sakura would feel frightened and filthy for such an act…
But this was drunk Sakura…
And she was slowly getting happily acquainted with this Sakura.
Genma turned his attention to the pink-haired kunoichi, nodding his head towards a distant apartment building. "Is this the place?"
She focused her blurred eyes on the swaying subject beyond Genma, attempting to analyze its existence in the darkness. After a few moments, she registered an obvious answer…
Yep, that was the place… her place… her lonely, dark apartment.
Genma pulled her out of her dark thoughts as he looped an arm underneath her knees and scooped her into his arms. Letting out a lopsided giggle, Sakura leaned into his chest to take in his manly scent…
But as he stalked towards her apartment with her in his arms, Sakura was forced to push away the arising emotion that had been tickling her all night.
Fear of regret…
Too many times, she thought. I can't feel regret now… I am too far in to stop now…
Within seconds, a puff of smoke appeared before her eyes as the surroundings of her bedroom blurred into view. She shut her eyes tightly as a lump arose in her throat, mocking her temporary, drunken confidence. She knew what was coming next, but was she ready?
Conscious Sakura sure wasn't…
Genma smirked haughtily as he softly situated the drunken kunoichi in her bed. The cool sensation of the silky sheets beneath her contrasted with his warm body, causing a pleasurable shiver to travel down her spine. Her breath hitched in her throat as he positioned his body above her, his legs straddling over her hips. She squeezed her eyes shut as she grasped a handful of the sheets beneath her in attempt to quell the rising anxiety in her mind. A battle of emotions raged in her mind, causing her heart to pound clamorously in her chest. She had never felt such a wide range of emotions at one time before. She felt excited, satisfied, nervous, frightened, but most of all, worried.
This is normal… I am supposed to feel nervous… I have to stop worrying… and thinking. Yes! That's it! Stop thinking… no thinking…
Noting the anxious expression on Sakura's face, Genma smirked, leaning closer to her. "We don't have to do this, Sakura…"
She swallowed away the anxiety, knowing that it was now or never. She was too far in; she had already pissed everyone off. There was no point in turning back now. She would do this, just for the sake of Kakashi and Sasuke. She wanted to get over her obsession with Sasuke and, well, she wasn't sure what she wanted to do about her sensei. All she wanted to do was push away the strange way he had been making her feel lately. Would she be able to? Too late to ponder now, she thought. And even if she tried to think it over, it would be deemed merely impossible in her drunken state.
Letting out a shallow sigh, Sakura loosened her tense muscles. Peering up at the brown-haired man above her, she tilted her head in an act of agreement. She was ready…
Now or never…
Genma's actions seemed like a blur to her as she forced herself into an emotionally numb state. She tuned her body into the only sense she needed—touch. Her mind would not help her. Her heart would only entangle her in pain…
Touch… it was all she needed…
Leaning forward, Genma pressed his warm mouth against Sakura's neck, launching a storm of fiery sensations in her body. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly as he grazed damp, searing kisses along her collarbone. She shuddered at the sensational feel of his lips against her skin, suddenly aware of how paralyzed she had become. His hands roamed across her thigh, and she fought back the protective urge to discard his hands from such a private area. Conscious Sakura was screaming… pleading…
But it was nothing but an insignificant, muffled voice in the back of her anesthetized mind.
Unconsciously, she found herself grasping the sheets again, attempting to subdue the clash of anxiety and sheer pleasure in her body and mind. A quiet squeak escaped her throat, but she was unable to scrutinize whether it was a moan of ecstasy or a cry for help…
Genma willingly perceived it as a moan of ecstasy, letting his hands wander more forcefully across her hips. Her breath caught in her throat, and her hand shakily arose ever so slowly, ready to push him away. But her hand stopped mid-air as the clash of emotions raged more powerfully in her entire existence.
She wanted to stop him and feel his tingling touch all at the same time. She wanted to cry out for help and moan with pleasure simultaneously. She was so confused, so damn lost in what felt right and what was right, that she didn't even notice the tall figure slip into her bedroom… or the heavy weight on her body being replaced by the stiff, suffocating air.
In fact, she didn't even notice the shift in the aura until her warm, tepid body was attacked by the lonely, frigid air around her.
She opened her eyes lethargically as she pressed her brows into a confused frown. Letting her surroundings spiral into focus, she searched the end of her bed for the mysteriously departed jounin. When her eyes met with nothing but her familiar bedroom, she suddenly began to wonder if she was dreaming.
But he was just here a few seconds ago…
Her drunken state stifled her common sense, making her totally disregard the newfound being in her bedroom.
That is… until his beautifully stoic voice retrieved her momentarily.
"Get out of here. You aren't allowed here with her."
Her eyes widened at the sound of his voice, and she traced her glassy eyes over to confirm his existence. As her eyes met its target, her heart seemed to skip a beat.
Conscious Sakura shrieked with utter happiness…
Drunk Sakura, on the other hand, remained frozen—unable to move, to think, to breathe. She sat there for what felt like hours, completely immobile; just staring—concentrating on nothing but him…
What is he doing here?
She would've expected to be mad at him for intruding such a private affair, but surprisingly, a building excitement seemed to explode at the sight of him. Apparently Conscious Sakura was starting to come to…
He released his tight grasp on Genma's jounin vest, sending him a dark glare. "Just forget this ever happened."
Genma shrugged, totally unmoved by the hatred in his coal-colored eye. "You don't own her. I know you are protective of her… but how long are you planning on being her savior? Don't you understand? She is an adult now. She isn't your student anymore."
His fists tightened until his knuckles were gleaming white, but he said nothing to Genma's statement. Letting his apathetic gaze return, he turned away from Genma, as if his existence was nothing to him. Sakura's breath hitched as she realized he was approaching her now.
She suddenly realized how dreadful she should be feeling at the moment.
His eye pierced through her as his approaching figure drew nearer and nearer to the fuddled kunoichi. She flinched slightly as he reached the edge of her bed. She knew what was coming now. The only thing she could do was sit, and wait, hoping it would be over soon.
She never was one who favored Kakashi's lectures…
But to her surprise, he did something she would never expect. Grasping her arm tightly, the silver-haired man pulled her out of her reclined position and hoisted her into his arms. She blinked a few times, unable to register what he had just done. Unperturbed by her confusion, Kakashi turned away from her bed, sending Genma one last look of dissatisfaction.
In a flash, the two shinobi became engulfed in puff of billowing smoke…
Genma chuckled silently as he watched the smoke disperse into the thick air.