Weakness of the Heart

Chapter 9

Words of Wisdom and Fortuitous Confessions

A/N: I just wanted to apologize to everyone in advance. It has literally taken me 5 years to update this story, so if the writing style seems different, I'm sorry. I hope that doesn't leave the story fragmented in the middle. Nonetheless, I've enjoyed picking this story up again, and I hope you can do the same! Happy reading!

Water…

It was all Sakura could think of as she peeled her eyes open that morning. The bright, jagged slits of light pierced through the cracks of the window, attacking the sensitive retinas of her eyes. She flinched as she rolled over, and something inside her mind screamed in pain, but it was quickly obliterated as the dryness in her mouth swelled and bulged. She gagged from the sensation, and her tongue bobbed in her mouth like a thick, clump of sand. In an instant, she was fumbling with the covers on top of her in desperation, fighting the wave of nausea rising towards her throat. She fell to the floor with a clumsy thud and crawled awkwardly towards the nearest doorway she could find. As she flung the doorway open, she hurled herself onto the blessed porcelain rim of the toilet and emptied the contents of her stomach in one, grotesque heave.

She leaned in as another sickening wave of nausea built inside her, but, instead, it shriveled away slowly. A sigh of relief escaped her lips momentarily, and she dabbed at the beads of sweat on her face with the back of her hand. Her whole body trembled as she swallowed away the pungent taste in her mouth.

For a moment, Sakura focused on her breathing in attempt to quell the sickness inside her, but as her surroundings blurred into view, memories of the night before exploded ferociously in her mind.

Kakashi's house?

Sakura fell backwards in a panic and her head collided painfully with the bathroom wall, but she ignored it spitefully. Shuffling to her feet clumsily, she lunged out the bathroom door, her eyes roaming over every detail of the room. But all she saw was the crumbled blankets on the floor and the first signs of morning light peering through the cracks of the window. Though Sakura stood awkwardly in his bedroom, there was no sign of the silver-haired man.

And then, it hit her—the crushing awareness of regret.

In a flash of imagery, Sakura saw the events of the night before replaying in her mind. She saw herself, giddy and immature, downing the glasses of sake gracelessly. She saw Genma, his lips pressed against her neck in a moment of building lust. She saw Naruto glaring down at her in dejected disappointment as he stormed out of the pub. And then, last but not least, she saw the disgusted and vanquished look shared equally on the faces of Sasuke and Kakashi.

If he hadn't been there…

Sakura fell to her knees, fighting the building urge to cry. How stupid could she really be? What she thought was an attempt to show her maturity had turned out to be quite the opposite—a desperate show for attention from an immature and juvenile soul. Her actions mirrored those of her stupid 13 year-old self, and now, all she could feel was the suffocating awareness of disappointment in herself.

How would she ever face them? Any of them? All her friends were sure to see her in a totally different light; one that indefinitely placed her in the same category of a younger sibling or child. She knew all shinobi faced a regretful night like that, but most had tackled it before the age of 15. She was 18—nearly an adult. How could she explain her actions to those who had no current understanding?

She sighed remorsefully, suddenly understanding what she must do. If she were to fix this problem like an adult, she'd have to approach it like an adult. A child would surely place attention on her actions and feel endless loads of guilt. She mustn't allow herself to do the same. Because, although she acted upon the impulses of a child, she was an adult through and through. Her demeanor in battle and her determination as a medic-nin had proved this repeatedly. She wouldn't let one night send her image careening out of control. She was sure of it.

With a sudden building determination, Sakura headed into the bathroom and washed her face. After smoothing her hand through her hair and gurgling with a splash of mint mouthwash, she was out of Kakashi's bedroom in a flash.

She had almost forgotten her surroundings in the midst of her thoughts, until she saw him standing there in the sitting room, glaring at her with hollow eyes.

"Sasuke…"

Once again, regret crushed her heart, diminishing her determination in an instant. She shuffled nervously on her feet, tucking a stray hair behind her ear.

"Sasuke… I-I…"

He interrupted her train of thought as he turned his back on her, starting towards the front door. Sakura gasped quietly, extending her arm as if to stop his retreat. His hand closed around the doorknob, and, without thinking, Sakura lunged forward, grasping the back of his shirt.

"Wait! Don't go!"

Time seemed to slow a stop as she stood there, her hand clenched tightly around the back of his shirt. Sasuke remained frozen, staring hard out the door at the sun ascending in the horizon. His eyes were like stones—rigid and cold, but, in a quick, fleeting moment, something akin to distress flashed behind them. Sakura faltered, removing her hand from his shirt slowly.

"I'm sorry… about last night." Her words were meek and somber, and instantly she regretted the tone in her voice. She swallowed once, before attempting to harden her words. "I shouldn't have made a scene like that in front of everyone. It was disrespectful to you and all our friends."

Sasuke turned then, pressing his eyes into an angry frown. "What you did was not disrespectful. It was disgraceful."

The usual stoic tone in his voice was laced with an odd emotion, and Sakura frowned, internalizing his words carefully. "Yes, I know. I shouldn't have let myself get carried away…"

Sakura's head drooped, and she suddenly felt like a small child apologizing to a disgruntled parent. But with that thought, a strange flash of anger arose in her mind. She wouldn't allow it; she wasn't going to stand there and feel chided, and by Sasuke to boot. He was one of the reasons she allowed her actions to get out of control.

She narrowed her eyes tightly, clenching her fists by her side. "What's it to you anyways? I don't see why I should explain anything to you. You hate me, remember? I'm that annoying pest of a girl that you can never seem to get rid of."

Fury flashed in Sasuke's eyes, and he stepped towards Sakura threateningly. In an instant, the gap between them closed, his arms extending to the wall behind Sakura. The height difference between them was substantial as he stared down at her, his eyes filled with rage and contempt. The air in Sakura's lungs remained hostage as fear swallowed her whole, leaving her frozen in Sasuke's wake. Silence stretched between them, holding them in a dangerous, yet peculiar embrace. Something unsettling rose in the pit of her belly as she recognized the proximity between them, and she fought a foreign, building desire to have Sasuke's lips pressed against hers. Although his eyes were filled with fury and hate, this was the closest she had ever been to Sasuke, and something hidden in the back of her mind was screaming with excitement, causing her heart to pound erratically in her throat. She hated herself at that moment for remembering all those fluttering feelings Sasuke used to give her; it was nowhere near an appropriate moment to be feeling that way, and she squeezed her eyes shut, hoping the world around her would disappear. But to her disdain, cutting off her vision had only heightened her other senses, leaving her acutely aware of the warmth of Sasuke's breath against her bare skin; of the familiar manly smell that made her insides tingle with delight.

She was slowly slipping away, held hostage by the swelling feeling in her heart when he spoke, his voice a quiet, somber sound. "I was starting to feel troubled around you… you were so different than you used to be. But now I know I was wrong. You're just the same annoying girl who can't handle her emotions."

The air lifted around Sakura as Sasuke turned to leave, slamming the door behind him. The breath in her lungs departed in a staggering whoosh of air as she slid to the floor in a crumpled mess. She pulled herself into a ball and buried her face in her folded arms, giving into the flurry of emotions washing over her.

Anger… sadness… regret…

But, most of all, disappointment. She was so utterly disappointed in herself. Sasuke's words repeated mockingly in her head, and she felt saddened by the truth in them. All this time she had been fighting to be stronger than her emotions—to move on from her juvenile love for Sasuke, but the events that just transpired had proved her wrong with a vengeance. She had tried to prove she was an adult, only to affirm the immaturity inside her. She had tried to ignore her love for Sasuke, only to be blatantly reminded of the flutter in her heart by a simple, close proximity. She was stronger than that; she knew it. She was Haruno Sakura—a near master of chakra control; an apprentice of the legendary sannin Tsunade; a student who could recite any textbook easily. She had strengths of many facets.

But as she sat there in a crumpled mess with tears falling freely, she knew deeply there was no denying her weakness of the heart.

The day moved sluggishly for Sakura. After she finally evolved enough courage to leave Kakashi's apartment and face the world, she had stopped in at home briefly to shower and change, hoping to hide her harrowing exterior. The freshness of her hair and the crisp change of clothing had helped Sakura's posture to appear brisk and becoming, but there was no denying the pull of sorrow in her green eyes—a paragon for the emotions she had buried inside.

Reluctantly, she had made her way to the hospital, praying for a quick and easy day at work. As she passed the faces of Konoha in the streets, she scanned their expressions with anxiety, expecting a knowing, aghast look. Fortunately, she found none, and she was reminded, yet again, that only guilty people are found guilty. Konoha would be unmoved by her actions if she treated them insignificantly. With that thought, she pressed on, keeping her eyes forward and struggling to hang tight to the meager determination inside her.

At the hospital, she was greeted by an unusually calm Tsunade, pulling on a surgical suit and strapping on a mask. She smirked at Sakura and beckoned her over, and Sakura felt eerie and out of place as she remembered Tsunade's fate for her medical training. A surge of guilt spilled inside her as she made her way towards her former-slash-current teacher.

"Tsunade-sama…" She bowed, turning her head down. "I'm happy to see you in good spirits today."

"Sakura! Come on! Don't stand there all day dawdling! Get dressed! I need you in surgery today."

Confusion struck her hard as she struggled to comprehend Tsunade's words. She turned her head down in shame. "But baachan… I thought you had suspended my training with you…"

Tsunade scoffed. "Kakashi can think what he wants. But when I've decided I want to teach you something, you'll answer to me and to me only." She paused, tossing a set of medical scrubs to Sakura. "And besides, do you really think I'd give up on my apprentice that easy?"

Sakura smiled easily as pride washed over her. She nodded once, and then hastily dressed, mirroring the actions of her sensei. After a few words of briefing, the two women set off towards surgery.

Sakura could feel the happiness bursting inside of her as she walked alongside her superior, making her previous troubles seem contrite and petty. What mattered to her was this—her job as a medic-nin and her studies with Tsunade. No matter what happened to her emotionally, nothing would be more important than that. At some point, Sasuke had been what fueled her determination, so that she could be strong enough to bring him back—for her and for Naruto. But now, Sakura knew, it was more to her than that. She wanted to be stronger for herself. No longer did she want to be the weakest link of Team 7. She wanted a purpose—a reason to keep fighting, and she had found it. Nothing would stop her from that. Not Sasuke. Not Kakashi. And especially not her weak emotions concerning the two.

Sakura peered up at her teacher as they approached the sink, ready to begin their surgical scrub-down. Pumping a few shots of soap in her hands, Sakura sighed, idly wondering if someone as strong and powerful as Tsunade had ever had a regretful moment as she had the night before. She had seen her teacher turn to sake many times, especially in response to stress. Had she loved someone she couldn't have and would never had? How did she handle it? Did she still love him? Or does she fall asleep at night, thinking of the same face over and over again?

Before she could stop herself, Sakura found herself asking those very questions. "Tsunade-sama… may I ask you something?"

Tsunade seemed distracted as she scrubbed her hands, and she paused, taking a moment to internalize Sakura's words. "Hmm? Well, I guess it's never stopped you before."

Sakura bit her lip, suddenly feeling very nervous, but she pressed on. "Have you ever… done something you wished you hadn't?"

Tsunade chuckled. "I'm starting to wonder if this a disguised question that is leading into a much more difficult question." She shot Sakura a knowing look. "I've known you too long Sakura to not recognize the troubled look on your face when you came in today."

Sakura blushed, suddenly feeling very revealed. Yet again, her emotions had taken over her. It was something she had to work on. She focused intently on scrubbing her hands as she spoke up. "Y-yes, Tsunade-sama. I apologize. It's just that I've done something terribly stupid, and now I think I've lost something very important." She sighed, feeling the sadness swell inside her again. "I'm not sure how to fix it."

Tsunade was quiet for a moment as she stared intently at the sink in front of her. She stilled her hands, letting the water run freely over her skin. "I suppose apologizing honestly would be the best start."

Sakura sighed. "Yes, well I tried that with one of them…"

Tsunade raised a brow. "Hmm, so it's more than one?" She chuckled suddenly, shaking her head lightly. "Let me guess—the legendary Uchiha and your former teacher?"

Tsunade watched the redness tint her student's face, her eyes widened in shock. If it's one thing she had learned from Sakura, it was that it was incredibly easy to read her emotions, and, inevitably, it often became her weakness.

"Sakura, I've always known you've loved Sasuke. Hell, everyone knows you love Sasuke. But it's the latter that really surprises me…"

Sakura immediately recovered, gasping in response. "N-no! Tsunade-sama, please don't assume things. I don't have those feelings for Kakashi at all. I-I couldn't! I-I mean, there's just no way!"

Tsunade smirked insightfully. "Yes, of course… How could I think that…?" She shook her head, returning to her hand washing. "Now, what were we saying? Ah yes, the apology. Sakura, you have to understand that all people take things differently, and, in return, you must approach them all differently."

Sakura nodded, thinking of her apology earlier. She knew it was not a response Sasuke would appreciate, yet, somehow, she had let her emotions take over again; it was indefinitely not the sort of apology Sasuke was searching for. In fact, he'd rather have no confrontation at all. Words were not something the Uchiha viewed as necessary, especially when they were bundled with varying emotions. She knew Sasuke well enough that actions spoke louder than words for him. She'd have to swallow away her pride and move on from her mistakes, learning from them. Sasuke wanted her to act like an adult in this situation, something she had failed miserably at repeatedly. She'd have to continue on with her life maturely, and slowly, but surely, regain her respect from him. It was something Naruto had done many times, and their friendship always repaired itself.

She frowned, though, as a picture of Kakashi's crestfallen face flashed in her mind. How would she apologize to him—the man who saved her from her mistake? Surely, she'd have to swallow her pride and thank him as well. If he hadn't shown up at her apartment, she would have went through with it and woke up feeling a lot worse than she did this morning. Kakashi was similar to Sasuke when it came to emotions; he wasn't very fond of showing them, especially sharing them. She'd have to approach him maturely and apologize swiftly and honestly. Then, comparable to Sasuke, she'd have to move on like an adult and win him back through her actions, not once lingering on the emotions she truly felt in her heart.

Sakura felt immensely better as she accepted Tsunade's words, and she turned, regarding her teacher with an appreciative smile. "Thank you, baachan. That helps more than you think."

Tsunade nodded, drying her hands and picking up a sterile glove in one hand. "I do have one word of warning, though, Sakura."

Sakura paused, repeating the actions of her teacher. "Yes, Tsunade-sama?"

"Be careful…" The hardness in Tsunade's voice startled Sakura, and she regarded her with wary eyes.

Tsunade finished slipping on her glove with a snap, and the loudness of the sound echoed in the room. "It's a messy web to be tangled in—allowing two boys into your heart. In the end, you'll only be allowed to choose one, and you'll have to decide if you can live without either of them. I know first-hand what it feels like to lose someone you love, and it's not something you can ever recover from."

Sakura's eyes widened at her words, and instantly, she wondered who it was Tsunade was talking about. It struck her oddly that Tsunade had ever cried, and over a man too. She opened her mouth to ask, but quickly clamped it shut, knowing such a thing would be disrespectful to a superior. Instead, she nodded, bowing in front of her teacher respectfully.

"Thank you, Tsunade-sama."

A tiny, glint of sadness sparkled in Tsunade's eye, but it was quickly squelched by a wide, forced grin. "No, come on… I've got many things to teach you."

Sakura watched as her teacher turned, disappearing behind the surgery room doors. Something inside her felt massively better as she replayed Tsunade's wise, intuitive words. She felt she had the courage now to face the problems she had made for herself. She knew she could fix what she had broken, and win back the friendship of the two men that were increasingly becoming infinitely important to her. But as she stood there, feeling ready and determined, something in the back of her mind screamed, warning her of the future.

Be careful…

Surgery lasted 3 hours, and Sakura's legs and back ached from standing still, perched uneasily over the exam table. She had never seen such a sight though, and the fascination of it still glimmered inside her. Somehow, Tsunade had used her chakra to reverse the damage of a stroke in the brain. She had slipped her chakra into the cracks of the neurons, searching for the missing connections that had existed previously, and slowly, but surely, weaved the passage between them again. It was extremely time-consuming, not to mention stressful, but she had done it, and Sakura was awestruck. Tsunade had warned that it wasn't foolproof, though, and that she could never recover a brain to its former condition completely, but it was still something Sakura felt enchanted to learn. It was yet another reminder that becoming a medic-nin was the best decision she'd ever made in her life.

Unfortunately, surgery had ran into her usual lunch time, and now she was forced to share the same lunch as Ino—someone she definitely wasn't ready to face yet. She had used her stealth to move carefully through the lunch crowd, grabbing a quick, boxed lunch and making her way towards the cafeteria doors. She felt a sigh of relief as she neared the doors, feeling accomplished in her mission, but something flashed beside her in the corner of her eye. Instantly, her heart sagged.

"Sakura!"

Ino stood before her, looking fresh and not nearly as hungover as herself. Sakura forced a manufactured smile, gulping as she prepared herself for the conversation that was sure to unravel. "Ino! How's it going?"

Ino was not a fan of beating around the bush, and she exhibited this by pushing Sakura towards a nearby table, completely disregarding her friend's current pursuit. "Sakura! Spill! Tell me all about your night!"

Sakura sighed heavily, feeling too tired to dispute her brash friend. "Ino, please, I don't want to talk about it."

Sakura sagged in her chair for effect, but Ino ignored it openly. "Oh, come on! I want to hear all about how virginal Sakura finally gave in and plucked her cherry."

Sakura narrowed her eyes at her friend, gritting her teeth angrily. "Pig! Why do you always have to refer to it that way!"

Ino gasped. "So it did happen?"

Ino stood suddenly, squealing and dancing happily in the middle of the cafeteria. Embarrassed, Sakura tugged her friend back to her seat at the table, bowing her head away from the prying eyes of nearby bystanders.

"Will you stop that!"

Ino pouted sullenly. "Don't be such a party pooper, Forehead. This should be a moment of celebration."

Sakura sighed, shaking her head with contempt. "Just stop, Ino. There's nothing to talk about. Nothing happened, okay?"

Shock crossed Ino's features, and she stared back at her friend blankly. "Excuse me?"

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Do I have to repeat myself? Nothing happened! Genma walked me home, that's it."

"WHAT!" Ino's shrill voice rang through the cafeteria, and, for a moment, silence followed as all pairs of eyes settled on the two kunoichi. Silence stretched out mockingly as Ino stared, aghast, at her friend. Sakura blushed deep red to the roots of her hair, and she glared out at the curious faces in the crowd, hoping the fury in her eyes would cause them all to wither away and purposely forget the two conversing girls.

Luckily, as fate would have it, the prying crowd quickly lost interest and turned back to their everyday tasks. Sakura turned her glaring eyes to Ino. "What is your problem, Pig? Keep it down!"

Ino narrowed her eyes darkly. "What is wrong with you, prude! You're given the perfect chance to move on as an adult, and, once again, your goody-two-shoes attitude intervenes!"

Sakura gritted her teeth, clenching her hands into fists. "Excuse me, Ino! I'm sorry I don't want to be like you and give away my virginity to the nearest willing soul! I'm sure you don't even remember it, do you? How proud you must feel of that!"

Something similar to agony flashed in Ino's face, and Sakura suddenly felt like she had said something terribly wrong. She sunk in her chair, ready to deliver an honest apology, when Ino's voice spoke, broken and disjointed.

"Don't you dare talk about that! You have no idea what that was like for me…"

Sakura's mouth fell open as she recognized the horrifying torment in Ino's face. She began to wonder what had caused her friend so much pain, and she searched her mind for the memory that would illuminate it. And then, it hit her hard, knocking the air straight of her lungs.

"Ino… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I forgot…"

Sakura reached out to touch her friend's hand, but Ino slapped it way. "Don't! You've no idea what it feels like. I don't want an apology from you!"

Ino burst into tears, burying her face in her hands. Sakura frowned, reaching out to rub her friend's back soothingly. This time, Ino didn't object. Instead, she leaned into her friend, welcoming the comfort. Sakura felt awful watching her friend cry, knowing she was the reason. But as she sat there, ruminating over Ino's words and her aggressive behavior the night before, it all clicked into place. The dress… the venue… the insistent outlook—it was all a move in Ino's plan to protect Sakura from what had happened to herself. Sakura suddenly felt grateful for her friend's strange token of friendship, and she could no longer feel angry for pushing Sakura to act the way she did.

Ino sniffled loudly in her hands, breaking Sakura from her thoughts. "I loved him, Sakura… I loved him and I didn't even know it until I lost him." She wiped her face with her sleeve, sending Sakura a rare, concerned look. "I didn't want that to happen to you. That's why I knew Genma was perfect; you could lose your virginity quickly and easily without getting tangled in a web of heartache."

Sakura shook her head. "No… Ino, that's not true. What if I fell for Genma too? You can't know that. Just like you didn't know you'd fall for Shikamaru."

At the sound of his name, Ino cringed, another wave of tears glistening in her cerulean eyes. Sakura was aghast. They hadn't spoke of Shikamaru that way in three years, since Ino vowed she'd get over it. She was sure that what happened meant nothing to Ino, but looking back, she couldn't believe how naïve she was. Ino had hooked up with Shikamaru one night in a similar fashion of the night before—with lots of alcohol and the intention to move on from Sasuke. Of course, they hadn't expected to repeat their performance, but ended up hooking up again a few nights later completely sober. Ino had told Sakura confidently at the time it was because she was too irresistible to Shikamaru, and he couldn't turn away without one last time. But now, Sakura understood that the feelings were more mutual than that. Unfortunately, Shikamaru broke it off shortly after, muttering something about it being troublesome since they were on the same team. After that, Ino had a slew of meaningless hookups and continued working with Team 10 as if nothing had ever happened. But now, Sakura knew, it was much more significant than that.

So it was understandable that Sakura was utterly stunned by Ino's outpour of emotions concerning something so long buried. She hadn't a clue what to say to pacify her suffering friend, so she stayed quiet, continually patting her back in hopes of comfort.

Ino finally quieted, but her head continued to hang low. Sakura removed her hand awkwardly, searching her mind for the correct words to say.

Luckily, Ino spoke first, breaking the silence between them. "Why didn't you…?"

Sakura paused, genuinely confused for a moment, but then her thoughts recovered. "With Genma?" She sighed, letting her eyes trail away from Ino's to hide her dishonesty. She couldn't tell her about Kakashi… "I couldn't… I really don't think I could do that with someone I don't care for…"

Ino's eyes widened. "Sakura, no…" She shook her head frantically. "No, no! You can't be! You still love him? You're still waiting for him…?"

Sakura frowned, fighting the urge to deny Ino's words. But watching her friend's display of deep emotion earlier made her feel obligated to return them honestly. She remembered her reaction to Sasuke and their proximity earlier, finding it hard to admit her words but also knowing there was no denying them, either.

"I wish I could say no, Ino. But since he's been back… it's all been coming back to me again."

Ino's face suddenly hardened. "Sakura… you know that's a fairytale. I don't think Sasuke's capable of love. What about your training with Kakashi-sensei? I thought he was helping a lot."

The sound of her former teacher's name struck an odd emotion in heart, but Sakura quickly pushed it away, answering her friend honestly. "Yes, he has helped… a lot actually. But I also think he might be making my problems worse, too."

Ino had the opportunity to thrive on that comment, but lucky for Sakura, she didn't. Instead, she forced a tight smile and slapped her friend playfully in the arm.

"Oh, man. Poor, prude Sakura. She'll be a virgin forever at this rate."

Ino had attempted to lighten the mood between them, but Sakura knew it floundered. The heaviness of their previous conversation was weighing down on them, crushing what liveliness they had left. She stared back at her friend with a similar tight smile, but in the back of her mind she was examining their conversation and all the emotions involved, knowing that their confessions were only a reenactment of the bigger problem that weighed heavy on their hearts, day in and day out.