All those who wanted to know what happened to Sarek, here it is. Also you find out a little more about Kirk's relationship with his own Spock.
Warning: Here be some angst.
Thanks to T'Arrah for being a fantastic beta.
I don't own Star Trek
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After following Spock into his quarters, Jim waits patiently just inside the door and watches as Spock walks over to the environmental controls. The Vulcan presses a few buttons and Jim can feel the temperature of the room start to drop. At realizing what has happened, he takes a hasty step towards Spock, who is walking back over to him.
"You don't have to do that, Spock. These are your private quarters. You should be comfortable in your own space. I can handle a little heat."
Spock's face softens as he takes another step toward Kirk. He goes to reach for the man in yellow, but aborts at the last minute and instead clasps his hands behind his back. A warm, barely there smile forms on Spock's lips as he gazes at the concerned man before him.
"Just because you can handle heat, does not mean you should have to, James. You are my guest and I would not be able to adequately concentrate on the game with the knowledge that you might be uncomfortable. You wouldn't allow me to be at such a disadvantage, would you?"
Kirk just blinks dumbly at Spock for a few seconds, before the corner of his lips turn up in a knowing grin. Spock moves to the side and motions to the table and seats in the middle of the room. Kirk takes the hint and glides past Spock, muttering about 'sneaky Vulcan's and their dirty tricks.'
As he sits, he notes that Spock is now by the replicator, which reminds him that he is starving. He goes to ask Spock if he can order something, but discovers he doesn't need to, because when Spock turns around he is holding two plates of food. Jim is practically drooling when Spock places the plate with a burger and fries in front of him. He rips his gaze away from the delicious looking food long enough look over to the the other side of the table where Spock seats himself. Jim gives the Vulcan a grateful smile.
"Thanks, Spock. I am so hungry, I could eat a horse... and maybe the rider as well."
Spock lifts an amused eyebrow and watches as Kirk lifts the burger to his mouth and takes an impossibly large bite.
"Indeed. I would also be quite ravenous if I only ate a sandwich with questionable nutritional value and drank three cups off black coffee in the last eight hours."
Kirk nearly loses the filling of his burger when his hands spasm, and he starts choking on the food he is chewing on. He manages to swallow it and place his still (barely) intact burger on the plate before glaring up at Spock.
"You have been checking up on me?"
Spock nods calmly in the face of Kirk's indignation.
"I am in-charge of ensuring that you get everything you need and that includes your dietary needs. As it turns out, it was advantageous that I did check up on you because you were not adequately feeding yourself."
Most of the ire drains out Jim at Spock's very accurate statement, but he refuses to let the Vulcan win this easily.
"And sending the boy genius to babysit me, what was that about?"
Spock doesn't look the least bit apologetic as he responds.
"Ensign Chekov has an uncanny ability to put people at ease and I thought that since it was your first official day working on this ship that you might be nervous and in need of calming. I am sorry if I made you feel as though I believed you to incompetent. That was never my intention."
Kirk tries desperately not to melt into a puddle of goo at Spock's thoughtfulness. He succeeds (just) and instead gives the Vulcan a grateful smile.
"When you put it that way... thanks, Spock. It's nice to know I have someone watching my back."
Kirk lifts his burger off his plate once more and resumes eating with renewed gusto. Focusing so intently on his meal, Jim fails to notice the sly grin that Spock can't quite keep under control as he spears at his tofu salad.
They eat in companionable silence and when they finish, Spock clears the dishes and gathers the chess board from his bookshelf and sets it down on the table. They both set up the pieces and after much playful arguing, Jim takes white. He makes a mental note to rub the fact that the Vulcan insisted on this arrangement in his face when he wins the match.
A few turns pass before Jim finally decides to break the quiet of the room by asking the question that has been eating away at him since he found out about the next mission.
"So, you must be excited, or whatever the Vulcan equivalent is, at being able to visit your home planet, even though it will be for only a short time? I'm sure Pike has given you leave to go down to the surface. That is what I would have done."
Spock stills for a moment before continuing with his move. He keeps his eyes firmly fixed on the chess board.
"I assume I would be excited if I considered Vulcan my home, but it has not been a home for me since I was 15."
Spock's soulful, brown eyes finally meet Jim's puzzled blue ones as he keeps going. "After my father's death, my mother felt it best that we move to Earth, where she would be surrounded by a support system of family and friends and away from the negative attitudes of my people, who were never fully welcoming of her... or me. It got worse after my father's death, since he was no longer there to protect us."
Spock's head finally rises to meet the sympathetic gaze of Kirk who opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. His mind has gone blank in anger. Spock save him from his struggle but continuing with his story.
"After Nero killed 500 of the 800 crew members aboard the USS Kelvin," Kirk's eye go wide at this new twist in history, "relations between Humans and Vulcan's, who greatly resemble Romulans, became strained. A terrorist group calling themselves 'Humans first,' attacked and destroyed the ship my father was on as it was heading back to Vulcan after a Federation meeting. There were no survivors."
Jim, without conscious effort, reaches out and lays his hand on top of Spock's. He repeats the words that had given him so much comfort the day before.
"I grieve with thee."
Spock turns his hand over so that his palm is now pressed against Kirk's and he wraps his fingers around the cooler hand and gives it a gentle squeeze.
"Thank you, James. It is sometimes still hard for me to talk about. He was my father and my mother has never gotten over his passing, but being on Earth and around her family gave her strength to cope with the pain of a severed bond. It also allowed me more freedom to express my emotions, which I will admit, I had trouble controlling to the standard my father's people would have preferred and without my father's influence, my control would not improve. The people of Earth were far more tolerant of my faults then the inhabitants of Vulcan were."
Jim can now feel a pleasant buzzing sensation, slowly creeping up his arm, beginning where his hand is encircled by Spock's. He tries to distract himself by finally asking one of the questions that are still bouncing around his mind.
"I don't get it. You say you had an easier time on Earth but if things were... are so bad between Humans and Vulcan's, how did you survive living there? I know first hand how cruel people can be to people who are different."
Spock eyebrow rises at this statement and searches Jim's face for reason for speaking in such a way, but the human's expression indecipherable. Spock gives up the search and gives Jim's hand one final squeeze before letting it go and placing it in his lap, where it is soon met by its partner. Kirk own hand relocates to the board and he takes his turn without even looking to see what move he has just made.
"I was most fortunate to be accepted into a school that taught the children of diplomats. A vast majority of the students were accepting of me, seeing as how many of them were aliens themselves or had exposure to them. The town I lived in with my mother for the two years before I left for Starfleet Academy, was very hospitable. They were, one could say, protective of me. I think they took great pride in proclaiming that they housed a Vulcan."
Jim notices a far off look in Spock's eyes and a wistful smile. But his eyes soon become sad and his lips fall into a frown that just makes Jim want to jump out of his chair and hug the Vulcan. He is startled out of that unhelpful train of thought when Spock's deep voice fills the room once more.
"I was extremely... emotionally compromised when Earth was destroyed. If it was not for my mother's presence on the ship, I am sure that I would have been of little help to Captain Pike when fighting Nero."
Spock glances down at the chest board to make his move before meeting Jim's watery gaze. Jim gulps a few times before being sure that he can speak without his voice cracking.
"That's why you were so understanding with my own little outburst."
Spock nods, "We have both lost people we cared about and who cared for us. They may not have known you in this universe, James, but I am sure that if they had they would have loved you with they're very beings, just like people surely do in your own universe."
That compliment is like a knife in the gut. The Vulcan' words, that paint a reality that he has always wished for, but was always beyond his grasp, cause the many bitter memories of his life to flood his mind. Something suddenly snaps in Kirk. He stands abruptly, knocking over his chair and backing away from the table. Spock's eyes are wide in alarm and shock. The Vulcan slowly rises out of his seat and hesitantly moves towards Jim, who has backed himself against the wall.
"You know nothing of my life and the people in it. Don't speak like you do, Spock," Jim whispers harshly, "I did love them all as you say, but they never loved me. My father died minutes after my birth, he was too busy saving 800 strangers to love me. My mother couldn't even look at me without seeing my dead father, so she never did look at me, just past me. My brother ran away when I was 13, never to be heard from again and I had a step father whose favorite game was 'how many ways can Jimmy bleed'. Even some of my crew do not feel that I am worthy of their time."
Spock doesn't seem to notice how Jim's eyes glance at him longingly before he looks at the last part of the rant. Instead his eyes are closed and his fists are clenching and unclenching at his side. When his eyes finally open, they are filled with rage. He closes the distance between himself and Kirk and grabs the slightly shorter man by the shoulder hard enough to get those blue eyes focusing on him again.
"They are fools, all of them. They do not know the gift that was in their possession. I do, however, know how fortunate I am to be in your company and once the rest of the crew on this ship get to know you, they will feel the same way as I."
Kirk is mesmerized by the passionate gaze that seem to be boring into his very soul. His face gravitates closer to the Vulcan. He can now feel Spock's hot breath against his lips.
"That would be nice, Spock, but I won't be here forever."
Suddenly warm fingers are caressing Jim's cheek and all he can do is close his eyes at the intimate gesture.
"We do not know with any certainty how long you will be here, but what is most important is that you are here now, James. That is enough."
When warm lips press against his, it is like a cold bucket of water has been dumped over Kirk's head. His eyes snap open and he slams his head against the bulkhead in an attempt to move away from Spock, who at some point had shut his eyes as well. He slides out from in-between Spock and the wall and is at the door before the Vulcan has even opened his own eyes. By the time Spock has gotten his bearings and turns around, Jim is in the hall, staring at Spock through the doorway. His body is tense, ready to flee at the first sign of movement. Spock doesn't move. He just gazes at Jim with confusion, longing and hurt shining in his gaze. Jim lowers his in shame.
"We can't do this, Spock. I'm... you're... we're emotionally compromised. This isn't what you want."
Spock uses all his Vulcan discipline to keep himself from going to the younger man, who he can see is shaking ever so slightly.
"What is it you want, James? Instead of always focusing on others, I want you to tell me what it is you desire."
Jim's eyes are now determined as they elevate once more, before he shakes his head.
"What I want... is irrelevant. I'm not good for you, Spock. It's better this way."
Before Spock can object, Jim is darting across the hall and into his own room, setting the privacy locks behind him.
Kirk retreats to the farthest wall of the room and slumps to the ground. He places his head in his hands and begin mumbling to himself and the empty room.
"This is not meant to happen. He's not meant to like me back."
Jim heaves a sigh as his fingers thread through his hair and pull at the short, golden strands.
"It was so easy to control my crush when I was on my ship because Spock wouldn't give me the time of day outside of working hours. Then I come here and this Spock turns that crush into... something else."
Kirk lifts his head and searches the room helplessly, hoping that there is something that can help him hidden within. There is not.
Jim retreats into his mind, thinking he will have better luck sorting out his thought this way, then he has spilling his thoughts to an empty room.
'Jesus! I can never make anything easy on myself. I may be falling in love with a man who lives in a universe I don't belong in. What makes matters worse is that this Spock actually seems to return my feeling, yet I have to go back to a Spock that told me point blank that he wanted nothing but a professional relationship with me.'
Kirk tugs at his hair harder, almost pulling it out of his scalp, as these thoughts spin around his mind.
'I could always stay here and give in to what I want, but then what about my ship... my crew... Bones? I can't leave them. Maybe I just be with Spock while I'm here.'
He groans, knowing the consequences if were to go through with what he is pondering.
'If I surrender to my feelings, I won't be able to leave here... leave him'
Jim's head slowly rises as this realization sets in and he stares at the door that would lead him out into the hallway and to Spock's door in a matter of seconds. He gets to his feet, but instead of walking to his door he goes to his bed. He rids himself of his clothes quickly and slips into his bed in his boxer brief. He pounds his pillow with his fists twice, before resting his head upon it and gazing towards the ceiling.
"I have to back and if I give into this thing between us then it will destroy us both when I leave. I won't do that to him. I need to stay away."
With a yawn, he nods his head determinedly against his pillow, having made his decision.
As Jim's eyes drift closed of their own accord, his last clear resolution echoes throughout the barren space.
"I won't be the one that breaks him."
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Next chapter will be up Thursday or Friday.
Reviews will help me write faster.