Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin. Yep, I could just feel your shock.
Title: What Could Have Been
Chapter: 2
Word Count For Chapter: 3,887
Author: Crisiscase
Summary: One false word, one angry outburst, one mistake and now she knows, now she knows he has magic… What could have been had Merlin confessed when he confronted Morgana in the Camelot crypts…
BETAs: Mnemosyne77 and brickroad16, my saviours.
A/N: Hey people. I know its been a long time. Sorry about the delay but my laptop has packed up. This chapter is the by-product of a great deal of hard work trying to persuade someone to let me borrow theirs. Because of the absence of a laptop and the fact that i have exams in a few days the next chapter may also be greatly delayed. Despite that i hope you can forgive me. So back onto Chapter 2. My god, this was a hard one to finish writing, I had already written what I thought would be chapter 2 so this was bit of writing on the fly but for writing it like that I think it fits the fic surprisingly well. Still the fact that I was writing without any serious guideline meant it took hours, I was typing at 3:30 am in fact. Still I am finally done and am now writing this. I hope the chapter is good; I am slightly worried about the characterisation so please any feedback on that would be appreciated. In fact any feedback would be great. Thanks. You're all awesome. Crisis.
Thunk.
The axe connected with the tree's trunk with a dull thud. Sweat slid down Merlin's back as he heaved a deep breath. All around came the repetitive, mind-dulling sound of similar axes hitting the trunks of similar trees. The sound surrounded him, much like the smell of damp earth and sap seemed to pervade his nostrils.
They were on the south-western fringe of the great forest that surrounded Camelot. 'They' encompassed the hundred-strong group of servants who had been sent here and the fifteen knights that rode with them. They were here to collect wood that would be used in the rebuilding of their city.
Camelot was a ruin; that was undeniable. The lower town had been hit the hardest by Cenred's invasion attempt, but parts of the upper town had also been destroyed. It had taken a surprisingly eloquent plea from Arthur to the King, before Uther would agree to using some of his knights in the gathering of wood to rebuild the town.
Merlin had to admit, although he never would tell Arthur, that the plea had impressed him. He didn't even know that Arthur knew so many words. He probably had Morgana tell him what to say. Merlin thought cynically. It really wouldn't surprise him. After all, playing upon Uther's love for strength by telling him that this would make them look powerful to their enemies was a stroke of genius. One which, Merlin decided, Arthur was not capable of coming up with on his own. It definitely had Morgana written all over it.
Immediately Merlin schooled his features, clearing his mind. Thoughts of Morgana were never good these days, but then again they hadn't been for over a year. They seldom saw each other in the castle, probably due to the fact that Merlin avoided her like the plague, and he assumed she was doing the same to him. They had only spoken once during the five days that had passed since they had confronted each other in the crypt. That conversation had amounted to no more than a quick 'My Lady' and a cold, neutral 'Merlin' to satisfy propriety and appearances. He wondered if that even counted as a conversation.
Still, her name stirred a bit of worry within him, a huge pool of fear. Would she tell Uther his secret? He had considered that scenario many times over the past five days and he always came to the same conclusion of what he'd do if that happened. Leave. He would have no choice. as if Uther would believe anything he said against that of 'Lady Morgana' the loving ward. The King would issue the orders for his execution before he could protest. Not even Arthur would be able to stop Uther and then Merlin would have to fight every last knight of Camelot to make his escape.
The thought brought a stomach-churning fear to him. Not so much for himself but for Camelot and everyone he loved within it, for, with him gone who would protect it? He knew the answer: nobody. Oh, Arthur would try, but without Merlin how could he beat Morgause? The answer was once again simple. Arthur couldn't beat her… not without a sorcerer of some form to help him.
And all this was linked to Morgana. The fate of Camelot, resting on the shoulders of a woman who had wanted nothing more than to see it in ruins no less than five days ago. Why had he told her? It was an idiotic thing to do, Gaius was right; he should have kept quiet… he had been lying for years, in Ealdor, and here, why couldn't he have carried on? One moment of weakness and he had risked Camelot, the greatest prize of all on his faith in a woman who he had been wrong about before.
He was an idiot.
His stomach lurched, the fear driving bile up into his mouth; thousands of innocent lives because he hadn't had the strength to keep lying… he couldn't do this… couldn't keep thinking… so he pulled on the axe, drawing it again from where it was still embedded within the trunk of the ridiculously thick trunk. There was a numbness in work, a blissful relief from his circling thoughts. An escape from the fear, fear for the lives of the innocents he had potentially led to the slaughter…
Thunk
The axe hit the trunk again, the sound calming Merlin's thoughts, numbing his conscience, silencing the questions…
Merlin climbed onto the back of the horse, his feet finding the stirrups. By now it was all one movement, a natural, easy action, he could probably do it with his eyes closed. Although he didn't think he wanted to try. Why give Arthur another weapon to tease him with? It wasn't worth it.
The horse snorted as a group of knights strode past, the smell of freshly polished mail assaulting Merlin's sense of smell. The sun shone brightly onto the gleaming metal and Merlin had to avert his gaze as the sunlight reflected harshly into his eyes.
Blinking away tears of pain caused by the lights brightness, Merlin glanced back as the third of the knights who he and Arthur would be riding with, mounted his horse. Merlin watched as the knights boots collided roughly with the horses flank. The horse shied, letting out a small cry of alarm. Merlin felt his horse respond to the call, skipping a couple of steps forward. Merlin leant down and muttered a few nonsensical reassurances to it, clearing it of its skittishness. Men in armour should be more considerate of horses he decided.
"Merlin?"
His head shot up as Arthur called his name. The prince's tone was mocking and sardonic. Merlin saw the prince and the three knights a few yards ahead of him, evidently waiting for him.
Merlin flushed.
"Sometime today? You know… whenever it's convenient for you…"
Merlin nodded sheepishly, lowering his head and urging his horse forward. Normally he would have had some kind of remark to throw back at the prince but at that moment he was still preoccupied by the fact that his eyes were stinging.
Arthur seemed to be stunned by Merlin's lack of remark and this Merlin took some satisfaction in. But the ever arrogant prince quickly recovered, smiling smugly, obviously he thought he had won or something. Merlin could barely keep from sighing in exasperation.
Instead he kept silent as he and his four companions rode out from Camelot's large gate. Patrol duty again. This time Merlin did sigh…
The smell of sweat pervaded the air, droplets of the salty substance running down the horse's flank. In single file the five horses slowly moved down the thin pathway that ran adjacent to the large hill to their right. They had been riding for over an hour now.
The sun hung high in the sky, its heated rays shining down over the mostly flat land on which they currently rode. The heat made Merlin intensely uncomfortable even though he was technically not doing all that much exercise and not really wearing that many layers. He had to wonder how the knights and Arthur managed to cope; beneath all that weight and stifling metal they must be baking. The horses spread out as Arthur raised his hand, a silent order. This was simply to test the patrol's responsiveness and alertness, to make sure they hadn't zoned off somewhere. Merlin wouldn't have blamed them if they had.
Patrol duty. He hated it, hated the monotony of the ride. None of the patrols had seen any members of Cenred's army. The first few had found a few signs of their passage; an abandoned campsite, a hastily and so not completely, banked fire. But since then… nothing.
Normally Arthur wouldn't have been allowed to lead these patrols but he had once again won Uther over with a carefully constructed argument. No doubt that one had been constructed by Morgana as well.
Morgana.
And once again that terror, that coldness; that petrifying, limb-freezing, skin-chilling, fear swamped him. It seemed to surround him, a pack of starving wolves that had finally cornered their prey; it seemed to drive him to the floor, burying him, driving all the air out of his lungs…
"Merlin?"
Once again his master's voice had broken through his thoughts, he wondered if fate had it in for him, after all, did the prince have to call every time he was preoccupied?
"Yes?"
Merlin watched with a resigned feeling growing in his chest as the prince sighed, glancing around. Arthur pointed towards the cover of a small group of trees a half mile ahead. Merlin could see the expanse of a small lake through the gaps in the rather stunted willows.
"We'll make camp there while you three gather some water."
As Arthur spoke he pointed to the knights. Normally the knights would have argued, after all, Merlin knew that gathering water was a servant's task, and since they had one with them why should they do the work? Or at least, they would have argued if it had been anyone other than a royal giving the order. Merlin couldn't help but be amused as three nobles were tasked with a servant's duty and they couldn't even complain.
Merlin lightly kicked his heels into his horses flank, following and matching Arthur's pace as the group of five rode hastily for the willow grove.
When they got about halfway into the small copse Arthur reigned in his horse.
"This is far enough; you three go on ahead, we'll join you in a minute."
One of the three knights nodded in understanding before riding away, his two peers following him.
Then Arthur dismounted. Merlin copied him, sliding smoothly from the horse. At least it was smooth until he hit the floor, where he landed on a loose stone. The stone slid beneath his weight and he felt himself falling backwards. He only had time to curse once in his head before he hit the floor.
The mud splattered all up his jacket, the sodden earth churned up by the passing of the five horses. As the dirt covered his body Merlin sighed, it pretty much summed up his day.
He heard Arthur move to stand over him.
"Merlin."
"Yes?" Came his muffled reply
"Get up."
"I'm quite comfortable here thanks. You know, it's kind of warm when you get used to it."
"Merlin."
"Fine, I'm getting up."
Merlin made no move to do so, despite his words. He heard Arthur sigh, a muttered word that sounded suspiciously like 'idiot' falling from his lips. Then Merlin felt Arthur's arm wrap around one of his own, dragging him from the mud to his feet.
Merlin flashed Arthur a mockingly innocent smile.
"See? Told you I was getting up."
Arthur glared at him.
Merlin spun around, surveying the area where they had stopped, checking and confirming that as he had thought there was nothing particularly special about the place.
"So… why did we stop here? I mean there's nothing special about the place. Unless of course you count a root shaped like that sylverian water kral that tried to kill us as 'special' because if you do you may have-"
"Merlin?"
"Yes?"
"I've seen the root. We stopped here because I want to know what's going on with you, you're acting even more incompetent than normal and I wasn't even sure that was possible. What has had you acting like a total idiot instead of a partial one lately?"
Oh just the relatively small fact that I bet your life and the lives of many of the people within Camelot on your semi-adopted sister, who incidentally has magic and would have loved to kill us just five days ago. Because if she tells Uther that I have magic and I die then so will you and Camelot. Oh yes… Did I mention the part where I have magic as well? Merlin's thoughts were viciously sarcastic and although that reply would have been intensely satisfying; having his body burned to ash would invariably ruin the satisfaction so he replied with his usual mocking innocence.
"The weather."
"The weather?"
Arthur's tone was disbelieving, and he spoke slowly and deliberately, his words carrying a curious weight.
"Yes. The weather. You know that thing that involves, rain, the sun, or wind?"
"Funnily enough I am well aware of what the weather is."
"That's great news for you. I am sure that I have a medal somewhere. Just give me a minute to look for it…"
"Merlin?"
"Yes?"
"Not funny."
"Right."
"In all seriousness what has got you acting so strangely?"
Merlin didn't hesitate.
"Socks."
Merlin almost smiled as Arthur gave a resigned sigh.
"Let's go find the others."
Merlin nodded in agreement, climbing back onto his horse as he and Arthur rode in silence. As they followed a path between two of the larger trees, weaving past the next set of three and nearing the last line of willows, Arthur turned to him again.
"Is it a girl?"
Merlin sighed; he should have known that Arthur wouldn't give up so easily. Invariably his mind came up with another sarcastic response: yes, it is a girl causing me to act strange, your adoptive sister to be precise, but not in the romantic way. Just in the simple way that she has my future in Camelot in her hands. Other than that I am wonderful and acting totally normal.
Instead he replied in a much more effective and almost as satisfying way.
"How's Gwen?"
Arthur flushed red; Merlin could see the small slightly goofy grin that threatened to break out on the Prince's lips.
That was all it took. Merlin burst out laughing.
Arthur turned a scowl on him, his eyes flames of irritation.
"MERLIN?"
It was a moment before Merlin could reply as he let his amusement subside, his laughter dying down.
"Yes?"
"Shut up."
"Okay."
They reached the break in the trees, rejoining the three knights and collecting their now full waterskins.
Neither Merlin nor Arthur spoke again of the subject they had been discussing throughout the rest of the patrol.
Merlin crashed down onto the bed, his body aching all over. His backside hurt more than anything else though, a half day on a horse really was not an advisable health option, or at least it wasn't for anyone who wanted to not have an aching backside.
He groaned as the impact with the bed sent a pang through his aching muscles. The pain really wasn't conducive to sleep and Merlin needed sleep, it had been so hard to come by over the last five days.
He rolled over, and discarded his jacket on the floor, tossing it carelessly into the corner of the room. Then he lay back down, resting his head on the straw stuffed pillow. The smell of the straw filling his senses connected his thoughts to the horses stables which also smelled like this, of course that was only after he had mucked it out. The thoughts of the stables inevitably drew him back to thinking of horses, which brought him back to the aching pain. He moaned in annoyance and turned onto his other side in a futile gesture of annoyance. He ignored the pain that tore through his muscles. This was why he hated patrols.
He closed his eyes, shutting himself in darkness. The only problem with this was that in the darkness is where man's fears come alive, some to stalk the waking mind of those who carry fear, those who carry guilt, those who carry pain. And Merlin's fear was greater than many others, for he wasn't sure he could trust her, wasn't sure he could believe in her. He shouldn't have told her.
And it had begun again; he was back in his nightmare, his torment, and he was alone to face it and no magic would help him. Here he was powerless, and he couldn't stop the flow of images.
He was fleeing the castle, knights fallen all around, he had no idea if they were still alive.
He saw a group of people within Camelot, murmuring that he should never have been trusted.
Uther dead, Morgana having driven a sword through his gut.
Arthur dead by Mordred's hand as the little boy stabbed the Prince.
Morgause and Cenred raiding Camelot.
Innocents dying, houses burning and death all around, all-encompassing, unavoidable.
Merlin's eyes opened. He knew they weren't visions, not like Morgana had, but they were the figments of his tortured mind, the imaginings of what could happen should Morgana tell Uther, the terrifying constructs of his subconscious. And all because he had been weak. He should never have told her, should have heeded Gaius and Kilgharrah. He should have left her in the dark.
But he had told her and now he was stuck. He needed to know if he could trust her, and the only way to find that out… And like that it was decided. Tomorrow he would confront Morgana…
And with that decision made sleep truly claimed him for the first time in five days.
He awoke late; sleep having finally claimed him he hadn't awoken when he should. He glanced out of his window at the sun which hung high in the sky. He was late by about a half hour. If he moved quickly enough he could get to Prince Arthur's rooms before it really mattered.
He threw on his jacket and bolted out of the room, hurtling through the castle corridors.
He reached Arthur's door out of breath and gasping for air but only forty minutes late. That wasn't too bad; the prince had weapons practise in a half hour so he would be angry but not furious.
Merlin opened the door and rather quickly hurried to the far wall, opening the curtains. He slid Arthur's breakfast onto the table. The prince had stirred when light had slanted onto his face from window. He groaned which made Merlin chuckle. Arthur was not a morning person. The prince turned groggily to the window, glancing at the sun which immediately woke him up.
"Merlin. How late are you?"
Arthur's tone was deadly calm.
"About forty minutes, sire."
Arthur frowned. It was all the warning Merlin had as Arthur launched a pillow at him. The soft pillow connected with his face.
"Merlin. You idiot. I have weapons practise in ten minutes."
"Calm down. Sir Leon asked to have it put back twenty minutes remember?"
"Ah. Yes. I remember now."
"Glad to hear it. Would you like your pillow back?"
"I'll think about it."
Merlin frowned.
"Idiot." This last comment was made in a whisper.
"Sorry?" Arthur commented.
"I said is it fit?"
Merlin gestured towards the plate that held Arthur's breakfast, barely keeping a grin from his lips at his quick thinking.
Arthur looked at him oddly before simply nodding.
Merlin glanced out the window. What he saw stopped all thoughts of a grin. Morgana would probably be finishing the morning meal she had had with Uther everyday since her return. He had to hurry. He didn't realise Arthur had been speaking.
"-while you're at it you could run me a bath-"
Merlin held up one finger.
"Hold that thought, I'll be back in a minute."
Merlin raced out of the door before Arthur could protest.
This time it was he who stood in the alcove, silent, watchful. He knew she would come by here on her way back to her rooms. She always did.
He didn't have to wait long. It was only a few more minutes before he heard her soft footsteps tapping against the stone floor. It was a small sound but a definite sound nonetheless.
When she walked passed he was ready. His hand shot out, grabbing her by the elbow and dragging her into the same alcove she had dragged him into twice now.
Her eyes were wide for a second, stunned by the suddenness of this. And then the beautiful emerald orbs hardened. They once again became clouded pools of coldness.
"What do you want?" Her words were cold, almost cruel.
"Can I trust you?"
She seemed surprised for one instant but then a mocking smile appeared on her face.
"I don't know. Can you?"
"I wouldn't be asking if I could answer that."
"Well then. Good luck with that."
Morgana turned to leave but Merlin blocked her path.
"Tell me. Can I trust you? Or so help me I'll-"
He was cut off by Morgana's harsh, bitter laugh.
"Or you'll what? Try to kill me? You've already done that remember? Hemlock really is a charming concoction."
Merlin narrowed his eyes.
"It was necessary."
Merlin kept his eyes trained on hers. Morgana's eyes were chilling glaciers, frigid, entrancing icebergs.
"Maybe I should finish what I started in the crypt."
"I'd like to see you try."
A humourless laugh escaped Morgana's throat.
"You doubt my powers?"
Merlin's eyes were chips of granite, hard and unreadable.
"You doubt mine?"
Merlin watched as Morgana's eyes became unreadable and she silently turned to walk away. She stepped past him but suddenly he whirled around, his hand grabbing her right upper arm. His eyes were wild, desperate.
"Morgana. Answer me. Can I trust you?"
Merlin waited as Morgana turned her head to face him, her eyes locking with his. Her emerald eyes were full of chilling warning, telling him to release her. He complied, letting loose his grip on her arm. Then she looked directly into his eyes, a bitter tilt curled her lip as she spoke.
"You can trust me Merlin. You know you can."
A bitter, contemptuous, mocking smirk now crossed her face as she echoed his own words when she had come to him, confided in him. And Merlin knew what she was doing; she was echoing his own words on purpose.
Then, with his own words now ringing in his ears she turned and walked away from him. And still he held the question. Could he trust her?
A/N: Well there we go, I had huge problems with FF formatting by scene break lines out so I am desperately hoping this has worked... Anyway, R&R people. Please.
IMPORTANT NOTE: On the subject of BETAs, I need a new one. Mnemosyne77 has suffered an injury and Brickroad16 while totally awesome is very busy. I still have her but I am also wondering if anyone is interested in helping me a bit. My biggest issues are grammar and occasionally plot. I sometimes need to run elements of the plot past the BETA to get another opinion. I also have a oneshot that needs some work that I have finished but need to have another viewpoint to confer with. I want someone who can be critical and if necessary blunt. If something sucks I need to know that, if something's good I want to know that. Anyway, if you're interested contact me via PM.