Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin. What a surprise.
Title: What Could Have Been
Chapter: 4
Word Count For Chapter: 3,364
Author: Crisiscase
Summary: One false word, one angry outburst, one mistake and now she knows, now she knows he has magic… What could have been had Merlin confessed when he confronted Morgana in the Camelot crypts…
BETA: The Ashes Fan
A/N: Hey all. First off I want to thank all of you for being such wonderful people and sticking with me despite my lousy update times. I hope this one is worth it. I am so sorry it has taken me so long to publish this one. There has been a bit of chapter shifting going on and also, my plans have been totally thrown off by school. Just to clarify last chapters message, I am updating normally (however long that takes) but i will LAWAYS come hell or high water publish a chapter with a week or two of getting to a hundred review landmark. Is that clearer now? Now that i have mentioned how hectic life is i will get along to the actual comment. New Chapter then. And I just want to say that I finally was able to cut the words down back to the 3k mark. Maybe it was because of the fact that it was the first non-Mergana POV as well. This was a serious struggle to write, I hate having to start a new POV and having trouble with characterisation. Still, I hope it turned out okay. Without further words, welcome to the world of Gwen.
She was drowning in his eyes again. His cool blue eyes, so different to her warm brown ensnared her. She was entranced by those orbs. The emotions he tried to hide on his face showed there. They were doorways to his soul.
Guinevere had always loved looking into Arthur's soul. For two years now he had fascinated her. The way in which he could act so arrogant one second and yet caring the next, charmed and interested her. The thing with Arthur was that you had to look deeper. Sometimes much deeper. Beneath the arrogant exterior there was the boy who, as a child, had never had friends. That boy was reaching out, grasping for a friend that had never been there. The boy had been reaching for years. She had just never seen it. She had, like everyone else, assumed he was what he pretended to be. Simply an arrogant bully. Yes, he was arrogant, very arrogant actually, but he was more than that. So much more.
Arthur was different. She knew that much. He was brave, yes, arrogant, yes, but he had never treated her like dirt. He had made ridiculous and quite often wrong assumptions about her life such as her having more than one bed. But he had never made her feel small, never made her feel intimidated. Before him she never felt like she should be lying on the floor with all the other dirt. That was how some knights made her feel; in fact that was how most nobles in general made her feel. But Arthur wasn't like that. Instead of making her feel like dirt he made her feel like she could soar above the highest cloud, swim in the deepest lake or river. She felt alive.
But it could never be. She was a servant. She: expendable, unimportant. He: a Prince and heir to the throne. He was important, noble and valued. They were too different, it could never, would never, happen.
But despite this Gwen was still drowning in his eyes. The eyes that burned into hers with such intensity that she almost staggered backwards. Never before had she seen that kind of blazing emotion and certainly not when directed at her.
He was a prince. A prince she had fallen for. And god above had she fallen far. Much too far. For, no matter how many times she chastised herself; no matter how many times she told herself it couldn't happen, there was always a small nagging voice that said it could if she waited. The voice was one of hope, one of desperation. It was the voice of the little girl who wished to be rescued by a brave knight. She had found her knight; the problem was that she had found one who was completely off limits. Not that he would agree with her. She thought he loved her, was almost certain he did in fact. She knew he'd wait for her but still… was it actually possible? Was it possible for her to have what she truly wanted for the first time in her life? Was it possible to be with the man of her dreams? Was it possible to have Arthur? The man whose eyes even now pulled her into their depths. It really wasn't fair for him to have eyes like that she decided. How was she supposed to focus on her mistress with those eyes focused on her of all people?
With a cold rush akin to having a bucket of cold water poured over her, Gwen forced her eyes to Morgana. She had gotten so distracted by his eyes she hadn't been focusing. She had ignored her mistress. She just prayed Morgana hadn't requested anything from her during her preoccupation. Gwen wasn't confident she would have noticed if her mistress had said anything, she was so entranced by those eyes. She instinctually raised her gaze to meet his again and immediately she felt that feeling of drowning again. Quickly she averted her eyes, not missing the smile that curled the edge of Arthur's lips as he looked at her. She had to fight not to look back up at him.
With a will of iron grown from years of being a servant to the formidable Lady Morgana, Gwen stiffened her spine and focused solely on that same lady. However, from where she stood, behind Morgana, Gwen could see that she had barely touched her food. Most of the fare had been consumed by Uther or Arthur. Only a small amount of the breakfast the three royals had been eating had been eaten by Morgana. Her Lady seemed to be preoccupied, focused but also distracted. It was as if… oh. Gwen understood now.
Morgana was evidently focusing on something, something far more important and serious than breakfast. However with Morgana that could be anything from what to wear to the next ball to a person who needed to be broken out of jail. That was one thing that Gwen both loved and loathed about her mistress. She never knew what to expect from Morgana. Gwen was sure she had heard somewhere that there were some mistress' who merely spent the day sewing. What she would give to have a simple day of sitting around. With Morgana, there was always something to do. It was all well and good most of the time but sometimes… sometimes she would love to have a normal mistress.
Immediately Gwen felt a surge of guilt. Morgana had given her a job. One which paid well for a servant's fees. Gwen felt rotten with shame as she considered her disloyal thoughts. Morgana had been nothing but kind to her before the Ward's disappearance. But now… now something was off… in the last few days it had been slightly better between them but they weren't friends anymore… not really. Morgana shared nothing with her… not like they used to. Before they gossiped and laughed and smiled like true friends and Morgana trusted her. However since her disappearance the woman who had been her best and only friend beside Merlin was cold and distant.
Thinking of Merlin made Gwen look up. He was leaning against the wall a few feet behind Arthur's chair. He didn't seem to be focusing on anything; his eyes were not looking at Arthur or her. His gaze was locked straight ahead; his stare boring into the floor.
Gwen was puzzled. It wasn't like Merlin to be distracted. He looked so serious and morose. It wasn't as if he had any troubles to worry about, nothing more important than a few, okay many, chores to deal with so why did he appear so aged? Why did he look so wise and knowledgeable? It wasn't the Merlin she knew, it was a Merlin who was confident and knew everything. One who seemed to possess an unnatural air of power? Gwen muffled an un-ladylike snort. Merlin? Knowledge and power? Yeah right. As if that would ever happen. She really liked the man, but she knew him. Knew him well in fact. As she'd said the first time she'd met him he wasn't really one of those rough-tough-save-the-world kind of men.
"Gwen?"
The voice of the Lady Morgana broke Gwen out of her rambling, disjointed musings.
Quickly Gwen rushed forwards, her skirts billowing slightly as she moved to stand behind Morgana.
"Yes My Lady?"
Gwen's question was soft and whispered.
"I would like some more water please."
Gwen bowed her head slightly and with practised ease, poured her mistress the requested drink. The sound of the clear, clean water hitting the base of the tankard into which she was pouring, filled the room. Breakfast between the royals was quite often a quiet business. Arthur was hardly a morning person; he only really came to life when the sun was higher in the sky. Gwen knew that Morgana was similar. However judging from careful, considered observation Gwen knew Morgana was far better with mornings than Arthur.
Gwen hurriedly finished her task and then stepped back into the reassuring comfort of relative anonymity. As a servant the shadows were her home, she was usually invisible to any noble but Morgana. Well, Morgana and Arthur. But it was best not to think about the latter. That would lead her eyes to his and she wasn't sure she could pull away again.
Then Uther broke the silence.
"Arthur?"
Gwen watched as The Prince looked towards his father. She was safe to look again. She had thought he'd never stop staring.
"Yes Father?"
"Have you received word of Cenred's current position?"
Gwen silently watched as Arthur paused as if he was gathering his courage.
"I received a messenger late yesterday. He told me that our informant will meet me near the border. Do I have your permission to go and meet with him?"
Uther's face was troubled and Gwen couldn't help but notice how tired the king looked. After his recent 'affliction', which ended only seven or so days ago and the fact that he still had to lead a kingdom she supposed it wasn't really surprising.
"Must it be you? Why not send a knight in your place?"
Gwen watched as father and son gazed at each other for a second before Arthur shook his head.
"I wish to hear the report myself; I would trust the lives of our people to no-one else as far as Cenred is concerned."
"You will take two knights with you."
Gwen noticed the slight tightening of the skin around Arthur's eyes that betrayed his annoyance.
"Father, I intended to go disguised so that my presence would not be known and that my absence would not be noted. If I take knights, people will certainly note my passing."
Uther waved his gloved hand in a dismissive way.
"The knights will be discreet."
Gwen saw the light of defeat in Arthur's eyes as he gave.
"Very well, Father."
"Gwen? More water if you'd be so kind."
Morgana's request once more broke her out of her thoughts. Regretfully Gwen approached Morgana.
"I'm sorry my Lady you had the last of the water from this jug."
Gwen noticed Arthur look up from where he had been frowning down at the table, evidently thinking about his imminent departure.
"Merlin?"
The Prince's words rang with authority.
Merlin blinked once, stirring from his relaxed position leaning against the wall.
"Yes, Sire?"
"Refill Morgana's tankard."
Merlin's eyes glowed for a second, a kind of age old weariness and wisdom glowing in his eyes. Gwen was once again forced to think of that world-weary aura around him from earlier. She wondered if there was more to Merlin than she had thought. She quickly shook off the thought. He was her friend, a loyal and kind man and that was how she'd think until he proved her wrong. Not that she thought he would. That would be ridiculous. She knew Merlin; he was the only true friend she had left in Camelot what with Morgana not being herself and Arthur being 'complicated'. Of course she knew him.
"Of course, Sire."
Merlin took a jug from Arthur's side of the table, walked around the table and leant over. Gwen watched as Merlin hurriedly poured the drink, his shoulders were stiff as if he was tense. Why would he be tense? Gwen realised quickly. He had been asked to perform this duty and the king was sitting mere feet away. Uther had a notorious temper. Gwen felt sympathy for Merlin at this. She could empathize with his feelings.
The sound of cool water sliding into Morgana's tankard stopped ringing out into the silence as Merlin moved away. Gwen watched, amused, as he retook his position leaning against the wall.
Gwen shifted her attention back to Morgana. The King's Ward raised the tankard to her lips. But before she could take a drink Morgana lowered the tankard again. For one second Gwen saw pain flash across Morgana's face, he eyes seeming to flash beyond Arthur... to Merlin. The manservant's face contorted with guilt for a second. Then both emotions vanished. It had been so quick Gwen was sure she imagined it. She quickly glanced around the room wondering if anyone else had seen. Arthur and Uther hadn't… but looking once more at Merlin she could see his eyes were now narrowed in thought. It was as if… he knew why Morgana had winced, as if the pain had something to do with him. But why would he know? What was going on? When had her normally…well… normal… world, been turned upside down? And more to the point why hadn't she noticed? Gwen was sure something was going on.
Gwen entered Morgana's chambers hurriedly. A vial of sleeping draught in one hand and a tankard of water in the other.
She was met by the sight of a beautiful Morgana, bathed in moonlight, standing next to the window. The Lady was staring out into the night, peering into the courtyard below. Rain pounded the glass of the window and drummed the ground outside.
Gwen winced. She'd have to return home through that rain. She was not looking forward to the trip.
Gwen made her way across to her mistress, her pace measured and calm.
"My Lady?"
Morgana turned to her, a smile on her face.
"Yes, Gwen?"
Gwen offered a smile and placed the objects on the table.
"Here are the things you wanted. Gaius said to simply take the usual amount of the sleeping draught and be careful as usual."
Gwen smiled as Morgana nodded in understanding.
"Will that be all for tonight My Lady?"
Gwen was relieved when Morgana nodded. Today had been rather confusing and she couldn't wait to put it behind her.
"Thank you, My Lady. Sleep well."
"I will try. You sleep well also."
"I will, My Lady."
Gwen left the room and donned her cloak.
As she was moving down the corridor Gwen glanced out of the window. She was curious to see what had had Morgana staring out of her window with such intensity.
Below rain still attacked the courtyard but there were two figures in the middle of the area. Merlin and Arthur. They were shifting a bale of arrows into the covering of the castle's halls as she watched they lifted the bale and hauled it inside. Gwen stood there for a few minutes trying to figure out why that sight had interested her mistress so. After the few minutes Gwen shook the thoughts away. She needed to get home.
She turned to go, casting one last glance outside. She winced. The rain was going to make a mess of her clothes tonight.
The wind whipped around her, making the thin, handmade purple cloak billow behind her. The cloak had been gifted to her by the Lady Morgana; it was the only well made cloth within her wardrobe.
The cloak was yet another reminder of Morgana's kindness, her generosity. Gwen felt like she'd failed. Something was going on, her mistress had some sort of secret and Gwen had no idea what kind of secret, nor even where to start in finding out. Asking Morgana would get her nowhere either. Oh that conversation would go well. If her Lady didn't want to say, she wouldn't say, and no king, queen or emperor would change her mind. There was no swaying the Lady Morgana when her mind was made up. You might as well try and stop a charging Questing Beast.
Gwen shivered as rain pounded against her cloak and quickened her pace. The night was chilly today and the rain seeping down her collar and thence down her back was not helping. The sooner she got out of this thrice accursed weather the better.
The rain thumping down onto the street gave her steps a counter beat, a rapid, disjointed rhythm. There was the sound of a faint splash as Gwen accidentally kicked up the edge of a puddle. Gwen could feel the uncomfortable chill pressing in upon her. The rain battering down sent water seeping through the cloak despite the quality of its make. Gwen shuddered as water ran down her right arm.
She broke into a very brisk walk and tried to cover her body as best she could with the now slightly leaking cloak.
She was beyond relieved when she reached her home.
The small, squat, building wasn't much to look at but it was better than some of the other dwellings within the lower town. Added to that was the fact that she could still afford to keep it by herself and Gwen was rather attached to the little building.
Gwen entered quickly and rapidly took off her cloak. With a deftness gained from years of practise she rung her cloak out into a pot and then hung the cloak over a fire which she lit with ease. Opening the door Gwen instantly hurled the water out into the street. She slammed the door as soon as she had hurled the water.
The fire roared merrily in its thin grating. Sighing Gwen moved to change into a rough homespun grey nightgown.
When that was done and her clothes were drying over the fire Gwen climbed into her bed and relaxed. The day's tensions slid away from her as she laid there, her worries and concerns blending into quiet contentment.
That was when she realised it. How could she have not noticed before? How could she have been so blind? How could she have not paid attention? Morgana's strange attitude. Merlin acting confident and knowledgeable. The strange pause before Morgana drunk her water. The water Merlin had poured. The way in which Morgana had been staring outside with such intensity. Staring at Merlin. How had she missed it? She finally had her answer! She'd solved the mystery! It was all so obvious!
Merlin and Morgana were in love!
A/N: Oh Gwen you don't know how wrong you are. I want to say right here that I am not bashing Gwen in any way. I actually think that it's quite a logical conclusion drawn from the way they are behaving. Anyway I know this wasn't a wonderful chapter or anything. This was basically a character setting chapter. I needed to set Gwen up for future chapters. I also needed to portray how the Mergana interaction would look from an outsider's point of view and this was my way of doing it. So… other than the lack of Mergana POV what did you think?
Oh and in case you thought I'd forgotten... MERRY CHRISTMAS!