Summary: Handsome suitor Sam seeks the hand of arrogant Prince Dean, but he must first find a magical tree in the realm of a certain wicked little demon. AU Sam/Dean unrelated slash. Homage to 'The Singing Ringing Tree'.
The Flipping Tripping Tree (Part 2 of 3: Arrogant Prince) by frostygossamer
When Sam arrived at the Singer residence, he was ushered straight in by their houseman. King Bobby was sitting in his parlour enjoying a glass of whiskey. He grinned broadly as Sam entered the room, and got up to give him a big avuncular hug.
"Holy Fudge Drops, boy!" he declared. "Kinda thinking you wouldn't ever be coming back here, never mind find the goddamn Flipping Tripping Tree."
"Yeah, it wasn't exactly easy," Sam replied. "But here it is. So where's Dean?"
"He's right here," the old guy answered, as his son wandered in the room, drawn by his innate nosiness.
"Looks like old Sam here has come through with your challenge, son," King Bobby exclaimed.
Dean looked thoroughly unamused. "Oh yeah? So what's that supposed to be?" he asked gesturing at the uninteresting looking plant in Sam's hand.
"Dude, it's the Flipping Tripping Tree you asked for," Sam explained.
"Don't hear it trip-ping," Dean complained scornfully.
"Cos it'll only trip in the presence of true love," Sam explained. "You know the story, right? You need to give it a little time."
Dean sneered. "Expect me to believe that crock of bull-pucky?" he jeered. "Throw the sonovabitch out, Dad. He is so full of crap."
He summoned the houseman and had Sam escorted out of the house. Sam took the rejected tree with him.
Outside the house Sam was shaken and disappointed. He had been sure Dean would have come around to liking him, at least a little, after he brought him his heart's desire. What more could the asshat want?
So Sam unhappily made his way back to Crowley's Hidden Cavern, to return the tree and to have a word with him about his little deal. He had no problems about going back there. One little guy. What could happen?
Five minutes after Sam got into his Impala and drove away, Prince Dean turned to his father, his face a mask of artful distress. He had successfully gotten rid of his unwanted suitor, but he still wanted his prize.
"He took the damn tree, Dad," he bitched. "I wanted that damn tree and now that douchebag has taken it away with him. You need to go get me that tree. It's mine, Dad. I wannit."
King Bobby was used to his offspring's temper, and he knew darn well that, once he got his mind set on something, he would never let it go. So he decided he might as well go after Sam and get that tree, or he would never get any peace. So he jumped in his truck and took off after him.
§
Back at the Hidden Cavern, Crowley was waiting for Sam on the little bridge by the entrance. He smirked as he saw him approach.
"Tree didn't flip, hmm?" he asked.
Sam shook his head sadly. "Hell no," he grumbled. "You can have it back, if you want it, man."
"Now why would I want it?" Crowley asked archly. "I have what I wanted. YOU!"
Sam glanced at the horizon, and saw that the sun was just going down as they spoke. A strange sensation flowed over him and, looking down at himself, he saw that he had transformed into a... sasquatch, for real. With that realization came a terrible feeling of angry despair.
Crowley smiled wickedly and waved a hand at the Impala, disguising it as a hunk of stone. Now Sam was stuck there. That was it. Sam tried to go for Crowley's throat, but the wily demon just dodged his clumsy sasquatch paws and laughed.
"Sam, you're better off without that little 'princess' Dean Singer," he chuckled. "Maybe now you're a cuddly sasquatch he'll like you better? Do whatever you want with your magic shrubbery."
"Dude, what use it the goddamn thing to me now?" Sam retorted, with an angry growl.
"Oh, that thing is bloody powerful, Sam my friend. It's even stronger than I am. If you can get it to flip and trip in the Hidden Cavern, my little deal with you will be broken," Crowley explained casually. "Good luck with that one," and so saying he disappeared.
Sam was so damn mad he was just about to snap that acursed so called Flipping Tripping Tree and throw if off of the bridge, when he heard a truck draw up close by. It was King Bobby's truck. He dropped the tree and hid.
§
King Bobby spotted the Flipping Tripping Tree just laying on the dirt, where Sam had tossed it. He was bending to pick it up, when Sam the Sasquatch suddenly jumped out from behind the stone Impala. King Bobby was startled and felt for his gun.
"What you looking for?" Sam demanded gruffly.
King Bobby was kind of surprised that the shaggy creature in front of him could even talk, but he managed to stay cool. King Bobby was a cool guy.
"I'm looking for the Flipping Tripping Tree," he explained. "for my boy."
Sam's heart lifted a little at the mention of Dean.
"You can have the tree," he grunted. "But on one condition."
"Anything," King Bobby responded, too quickly.
"Want the first living thing you meet when you get home," Sam growled. He might as well have some company in this goddamn place.
King Bobby considered. "OK," he agreed, thinking that the first thing to meet him when he got home would likely be his old dog Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld was a match for a some old bigfoot. "That's a deal."
Sam was happy with that, and he thrust the now withered tree in the old guy's hands.
"Bring 'em to the town limits at midnight," he snarled.
King Bobby nodded hastily and drove straight on home.
§
Meanwhile, back at the Singer homestead, Dean was waiting, none too patiently, with the family maid, Mary, for his father's return. Dean was lounging languidly on the couch half asleep, while Mary craned out the window for a glimpse of King Bobby's truck. As she leaned out the open window a couple doves flew in and flapped around Dean, waking him up.
He freaked out. And Dean sure knew how to freak good.
Mary had just managed to get the startled birds back out the window, when she spotted King Bobby's truck approaching. Dean sprang up and raced downstairs to meet his father. In the main doorway he almost fell over Rumsfeld eagerly scrabbling to get out and greet his master as he always did. But Prince Dean was an impatient guy and he kicked Rumsfeld out of his way to get to the door.
King Bobby was horrified to see his son run down the porch steps to meet him, remembering the deal he had just made with the sasquatch. He called for his Security Chief, John, and together they bundled a confused Dean back in the house. Inside King Bobby explained the situation to his son.
"I was goddamn scared it was gonna eat me right there," he said. "Promised it the first thing I met when I got back, just to stay the hell alive. Jeez, thought it would be old Rumsfeld here," and he patted his dog sadly.
Dean was both alarmed and disgusted. "And you didn't find that Winchester guy, huh?"
"Nope," King Bobby agreed. "Just that goddamn ginormous bigfoot thing. Fierce as hell. Looked mighty hungry. No sign of Sam. So I figured..."
Dean considered. "You gotta send John to go take out this sasquatch. John's Security. He oughta be capable of dealing with it. Cos I'm sure as hell not gonna go visit with any goddamn monster any time soon. Where's this deal going down?"
"Town limits," King Bobby replied. "Midnight."
§
So King Bobby's Security guy, John, was despatched to the appointed meeting place to off the deadly sasquatch, and save Prince Dean from being a forfeit in his father's stupid deal. He arrived well before midnight and hid himself, weapon at the ready.
But Sam the Sasquatch, having been trained as a hunter, was no fool, and he saw immediately that a trap had been laid for him. So he jumped out from some bushes, grabbed John from behind and disarmed him, before the guy had a chance to get off a single shot.
"You come to bag yourself a sasquatch?" demanded Sam, his hairy arm tight across John's throat.
"King Bobby sent me to gank your sorry ass," John declared, defiantly.
"Oh yeah," Sam retorted and, using his superior monster strength, he hauled the guy up on his hairy shoulder and hung him from a tree by the belt of his own pants.
"Tell me who met King Bobby when he came home? Who was it?" Sam demanded.
John flailed around in the tree, trying desperately to dislodge himself, but he was stuck firm.
"OK. OK," he said finally. "It was his idiot son, Dean. The damn fool. Now let me down from this goddamn tree!"
Sam ignored the guy. He wasn't going to let him down when he could still try and kill him. So he left him hanging there in the dark and stumbled off toward the Singers' place.
He was going to go get Prince Dean himself. And he had no trouble slipping into the Singer's back yard under cover of darkness, seeing as Security was how hanging from a tree some miles away.
§
Next morning, Dean was still having no success with getting the magic tree to flip and trip. The damn thing was obviously way too dry. Out the window, he noticed his father's artsy koi carp pond in the back yard. That thing had always annoyed the hell out of him.
"Mary," he commanded. "This damn tree needs water. We gotta go plant it in the yard. Want you to empty that freakin' koi pond of Dad's and plant the tree in there."
"But what about your father's fish?" Mary asked, concerned.
"Could give a flying crap about Dad's goddamn designer freakin' fish. Just throw the lot in the trash."
Mary hurried to do as she was told. Hey, she wanted to keep her job. But she did try to save King Bobby's valuable fish in her apron and bring them to the kitchen.
Dean planted the Flipping Tripping Tree in a little dirt in the now empty pond and stood back.
"Still not trip-ping," he grumbled. "Guess I may as well burn its sorry ass."
At that moment, Sam the Sasquatch leaped out from his hiding place in the bushes, from where he had been observing this selfish scene play out, and grabbed Dean, getting him in an arm lock.
"Just come for what was owed me!" Sam snarled and, using his monster strength, he pushed over a section of wall, and escaped with his angry captive over one great shaggy shoulder.
Dean demanded, commanded and even begged to be let down and, when he was, he offered Sam all his bling to let him go. Sam smashed the gold baubles into the dirt with a disdainful growl and dragged him away. Dean cussed all the time until Sam was forced to knock him out.
On his journey back to the Hidden Cavern, Sam released John from his tree. Seeing as the sasquatch now had a hostage, John couldn't do a damn thing to help, so he drove on back to the Singer's place to report in.
§
Sam carried Dean all the way back to the Hidden Cavern, where he dumped him unconscious on a bank of moss and, physically and emotionally exhausted, fell asleep.
Dean came round to see the sasquatch on its knees at the edge of the lake, stroking an enormous goldfish.
"What the...?" he gasped, unable to believe his eyes. Must have gotten a concussion.
The fish was bigger than Dean had seen anyplace before. In fact it was bigger than him. So big it could have been a mini-sub. When Dean got up and walked toward it, it swam right away. This bugged Dean some. He surveyed the sorry state of his new baby blue Armani suit with disgust.
"Take me the hell back home!" Dean demanded of the sasquatch. "I'm freakin' filthy! Need to have me a hot freakin' shower."
Sam waved his paw to indicate the lake. "Go bathe in the lake. There's plenty water."
Dean wasn't exactly crazy about that idea. "Like hell I will. It's a goddamn swamp," he snapped.
By noon, Dean had started to get hungry. It was a whole day since he had eaten his last cheeseburger. He found the sasquatch picking edible berries and feeding them to a bunch of doves.
"I'm hungry!" Dean stated loudly, disturbing the birds. "You need to get me some food right now!"
Sam smiled and waved his paw to indicate the entire cavern. "There's plenty fruit in the cavern. Go pick yourself some."
This attitude was not endearing him to Dean. He wasn't used to this sort of off-hand treatment. His daddy had money. People jumped when he issued his orders.
Eventually it got late.
"So where am I supposed to sleep?" Dean demanded, as he marched up on Sam.
Sam was feeding a qilin. It was a gentle creature that looked like a beautiful white stallion with a golden mane and antlers like a deer. Of course it galloped off as soon as Dean put in his noisy appearance.
Sam shrugged and waved his paw to indicate the ground all around them. "There's plenty moss. It's way soft."
Dean snorted and stomped away mad as hell. What was this shaggy scumbag that it thought it had a right to dis him this way?
Sam wasn't feeling encouraged by all this bellyaching from Dean. He was trying to be kind and unintimidating. Was the guy ever going to like him, even a little?
He was a mite shocked a few minutes later when he surprised Dean furtively eating berries. To deflect attention, Dean complained about the doves and other animals running off whenever he came around.
"You can't blame them for running scared, Dean," Sam explained. "Hell, your looks and your money don't mean crap to them. You gotta learn to play nice."
This made Dean snort again. "Oh, sure, yeah," he griped.
"You know, if those damn animals knew what an arrogant, cruel jerk you were, they'd have good reason to take off," Sam pointed out. "Those good looks of yours have people fooled. If you looked like you behave, you'd have a nose like a pig's snout, face like a dill pickle and hair like crabgrass."
"Seriously?" Prince Dean retorted snarkily. "Guess if that WAS even HALF true I should look that way."
Sam bit his lip. He was starting to realize you should watch what you say in the Hidden Cavern, just in case that joker Crowley was listening in.
And, unfortunately, he was.
"Oh dear," Crowley smirked wickedly. "Sometimes I don't even have to try with these people," and he snapped his fingers.
Just like that, Dean's pretty looks disappeared, to be replaced by something altogether more green and sour. Feeling a strange sensation, he glanced down at the smooth surface of the lake and got a blast of his new reflection.
"What the...?" he gasped. "Jeez, my face! The hell just happened?"
Sam tried to console him with a furry pat on the shoulder, but Dean flinched away.
"Sorry," Sam whispered. "But you really gotta learn to watch that mouth."
TBC
A/N: Oh no! Now they're both hexed. How are we going to get our happy ending?