Chapter 04:

Pursuit of Yesterday

The night has a thousand eyes,
And the day but one,
Yet the light of a bright world dies
With the dying sun.
The mind has a thousand eyes,
And the heart but one,
Yet the light of a whole life dies
When love is done.

--Francis Bourdillion

The early evening breeze was whispering yet another symphony in his ears, this time, with songs of triumph and jubilation brought about by an hour's worth of heart-stopping ball game.

His team just conquered Hisogana University in a grueling duel for a spot at the final two. And to top it all, he blasted with a whooping 57 points—his career high—in this game alone, assuring him the title of MVP this year.

The mellow sound of chirping crickets provided him solace while he stood alone outside Hisogana's basketball gym. The place was almost deserted and it was getting darker, but he enjoyed standing there, anyway, amused by Kanagawa's street lamps that were gleaming brightly in the neon night.

His friends were surely celebrating somewhere and were most probably making the most of this night before their next mission: to clinch the crown from the defending champion and their biggest rival, Zumiho University.

He knew he must be with his team mates while they reward themselves for a job well-done, but he decided to let this one pass. He wanted something a little less spectacular than their usual celebrations, something simple and well, quiet.

The seconds seemed to tick by slowly but he could just care less about the time nor the fact that he had been standing there for so long. Although tired and a bit hungry, he found the strength to stand there and wait. He was simply elated; any basketball star in his shoes would definitely feel the same way.

He checked his watch before glancing around.

Still, nothing. But that is okay. Nothing could possibly get him down, at least, not tonight.

And so the perfect evening he envisioned was already in his grasp—except for one more thing. Rukawa should have been there 45 minutes ago.

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Meanwhile, Rukawa was sitting on the edge of his bed while peering curiously at the cassette tape resting peacefully on his palm. It contained recorded voice instructions, which were supposed to be practiced regularly, as part of his therapy. His psychiatrist had told him to use it whenever a present scenario triggered his mind to revert back to the past.

Something happened today. As he was walking home from the grocery store, his whole world swirled before his eyes and for a few seconds, he had fought hard to maintain his balance. When the dizzying sensation finally stopped, Rukawa felt himself going through a déjà vu—he actually remembered the same street from his vision, with its every little detail and exact replica of a dream he had not very long ago. And as luck would have it, he had run into this certain skinny guy who called himself Hikoichi Aida. He thought he had seen Hikoichi before—his features were all too familiar though Rukawa didn't exactly know where to place them.

He felt the weight of the cassette tape in his hands as he continued to stare down at it. He had grown tired of waiting and had chosen, instead to terminate the therapies and medications because he hadn't seen any sign of progress in his condition after trying so hard for many months.

Yet the tape managed to get into his traveling bag while he was preparing for his trip to Japan. He found the tape but he never gave it much thought until now.

Sighing, the raven shook his head. He couldn't get himself hopeful about this—going through therapies without gaining anything in the end only proved to be a waste of time, if not an oppression of his faith.

But it might work this time, a small voice insisted at the back of his mind. Not that he practically lost every sliver of hope left within him, he's just scared to succumb again into that notion of being incomplete, where a huge part of him could never be found. He debated things over and over in his head and then finally, he pulled himself together, inserted the tape in the cassette recorder and pushed the play button.

Closing his eyes, Rukawa took deep breaths while allowing himself to get acquainted to that insipid voice he wished he'd never hear again.

"Close your eyes and try to leave everything behind, Rukawa" the recorded voice of his physician started. There was a long pause before the voice continued. "Just relax and absorb the solitude of your surroundings…"

"Now, I want you to imagine yourself entering through a narrow hallway. No one was there butt yourself and there is nothing else that you can see except the white walls that are stretching ahead of you…"

"Just relax and walk slowly. Concentrate and focus on the direction you're treading…"

The voice urged. Everything was going smoothly for Rukawa, so far.

"You've finally reached the end of the hallway. There is a wooden door in front of you. That door holds the secret to your past…"

"…Now, I want you to open that door and go inside…"

Knowing that his mind had the usual tendency to go blank somewhere at his point, Rukawa could only hope that the therapy would work in his favor this time.

"It was the night of the attack, Rukawa and you see yourself inside your school's basketball gym, alone." The physician's voice went on slowly for Rukawa to catch up. "All your team mates have left and you were practicing your shots. It was way past dinner time but you never cared. You always liked it whenever you're alone inside the gym."

Rukawa did as what he was instructed to do.

"You finally felt the urge to go home and call it a day. Then you head for the exit and outside the gym. It's dark and you thought you're alone. Now's your turn, Kaede, to tell me what happened after you stepped out of the gym. What else do you see?"

Rukawa shut his eyes tighter, his mind scrambling for something to remember. Something was missing here…I went outside to look for my bike…and what? Slashed tires?

His senses clenched in confusion as blurry images drifted swiftly, one after another, across his mind.

That was it. The slashed tires.

Rukawa saw himself bending down to examine his tires in pitch darkness and immediately realized that they were slashed. He had no other choice but to drag it home…

…A flash of bright light blinded him. It was from a car. Then he saw several men disembarking from the car, each with wooden rods in their hands. None seemed familiar except for the brawny lad in front who was grinning and snarling like a rabid dog. That guy was the original small forward of their team Rukawa had replaced. The other boys were laughing as they took menacing steps toward him…the guy in front inched closer, then delivered the first blow.

In a second, his vision was overthrown by darkness. The mental picture all disappeared, leaving Rukawa groping in the dark. Unsatisfied, he urged his mind to relieve the last moments in order to reclaim every memory lost. He wanted them all back and he wanted it now. Rukawa tried focusing harder but nothing ever happened.

Ironically, all of Rukawa's efforts were repaid with a sharp, sudden pain through the head. It struck him like lightning, working its way through his forehead down the base of his skull.

He brought his hands instinctively to his temples, while struggling rigorously to uphold his equilibrium. His eyes flew open in frenzy, but to his dismay, they weren't focusing. Rukawa recoiled in tremendous pain, while nausea overtook him. The headache only got worse by the second and he was already fighting for air.

He fell to the floor and was literally trembling. He gathered all his strength to at least carry himself on top of his bed but when he failed to do so, he gnashed his teeth and pulled on his hair; then for one, demented moment he lost control of himself and smashed his head against the full-length mirror hanging close to his bedpost.

"God, Rukawa, what are you doing!" Sendoh shrieked to his horror. What he saw stupefied him; Rukawa was banging his head against the mirror while blood continued to stream down his face, then soaking the front of his shirt.

It was just sheer luck that Sendoh had decided to follow his gut feeling and go all the way into Rukawa's house when the latter just failed to show up at the gym where they were supposed to meet. Sendoh need not think twice about making his way inside the house and barge into Rukawa's room without permission when he heard the clanging of breaking glass from upstairs. Only, he did not expect he'd be in for the greatest surprise of his night.

"Please, Kaede, stop hurting yourself," Sendoh pleaded, rushing right away to Rukawa's side.

"Don't touch me! Just leave me alone!" Rukawa hollered, shoving the other fellow away from him. He had to catch his breath, the pain was still there but his wounds did alleviate some of it. He pounded against the mirror once again as more pieces of glass hit the floor, sending the other man into panic.

Sendoh tried to stop Rukawa but the latter had pushed him again, a little too hard this time. It was quite apparent that Rukawa had chosen to leave himself and go awry; Sendoh completely understood that. He prayed silently for Rukawa. He would've traded anything, anything just to ease away his love's torment for he couldn't bear to see him in that pitiful state.

"Why can't I remember a single thing, dammit?" Rukawa swore, disappointed and very infuriated with himself.

"Please, Kaede, be patient with yourself. It's just a matter of time before everything comes back..."

"Nothing's coming back, Sendoh, so stop hoping! You're delusional. You don't know what I was going through!" Rukawa yelled. All hell had broken loose within him conjuring up every emotional turmoil suppressed in all these years.

"Don't say that, Rukawa," Sendoh wanted so badly to have him in his arms, as he tried once again to reach for him.

"Go away! You're not a part of me anymore! Get that inside your simple head!" Rukawa spat viciously.

It wasn't for what he had heard that tears began to fill Sendoh's eyes unknowingly. It took a moment's eternity for the pain to register, when he saw sprawled on the floor another being, entirely different from the Kaede he knew. What disturbed him most was that unforgiving look from Rukawa's eyes, a look that seemed to encompass every surge of violent emotion not possibly born until now.

If there were ever a thing he's certain about, it would be that Rukawa had meant every single word he just said. Whatever happens from this point on could only be the birth of his darkest fear yet, as dark as the night that received him on his way back home.

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For some reason, he knew he would've loved to stay in Kanagawa if it had only been an ordinary place he wasn't familiar with. He liked the serene lifestyle and the peaceful environment the people are savoring in here unlike those all-day-busy streets that were in America.

But why shouldn't he, when this was the place where he grew up?

He continued walking. It seemed whimsical, that he was feeling this way. Maybe it was his only consolation over the fact that he went to Japan to see if he could find something out.

He stopped.

Standing tall in front of him was Shohoku High School. For a short while he remained immovable, his eyes transfixed to the fullness of the building.

He let out a heavy sigh. Then glancing far ahead, he continued treading down the path toward his destination.

It's okay. All will be settled after this. Then everything will be different from now on.

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When he rounded the corner of his street, Sendoh never quite believed his eyes when he was who was standing in front of his house one, lazy afternoon.

It was too obvious that Kaede Rukawa had not been there because he just happened to pass by. And if that was something to be happy about, Sendoh wasn't so sure.

To be honest, Sendoh was still apprehensive to face Rukawa for a confrontation after what had happened when they last met. So much was revealed at that time and he hadn't figure out a way to deal with those, yet.

"How long have you been waiting here, Rukawa?" Sendoh began. He relaxed a little but not too much when he observed that the violent Rukawa from three nights ago was nowhere to be found. He was grateful because Kaede seemed calmer now, though it is too early to tell what's going through his mind, just yet.

"It doesn't matter," Rukawa drew closer, a mask of unyielding firmness was on his face. Without wasting anymore time, he proceeded with what he had to do.

I'm flying back to the States," Rukawa said stoically, "And before that, I want to give these back to you."

Sendoh's heart hammered wildly inside of him as Rukawa took from his jacket pocket a stash of envelopes.

God, those were my letters!

"Take it," Rukawa insisted. It was more like a command than a request.

Sendoh was too numb to react and was too confused to comprehend what was happening that it took him a great deal of time before he was able to reach for the envelopes in Rukawa's palm.

Rukawa waited for Sendoh to breakdown or to say something harsh but to the latter's surprise, Sendoh had just remained silent, while hanging his head low.

"I'll be leaving…in three days. I guess that is all you need to know." Then Rukawa turned his back on Sendoh and started walking away.

"Rukawa," he finally heard Sendoh call, after a series of steps. "You won't be coming back for a long while, will you?"

He halted his strides but without turning back, he firmly replied, "No. There's nothing more left for me to do in here."

Sendoh had clearly known what it meant. He could barely believe this was all happening so fast and worst of all, he couldn't believe himself for letting Rukawa go just like that. He remained glued to the spot and could only watch Rukawa drift farther and farther, until he was out of sight. Rukawa was gone, just as swiftly as he came.

While gripping the bundle of envelopes in his hand, Sendoh dropped to his knees. He was suddenly overwhelmed with weakness that he couldn't even bring his thoughts into words.

"I…I'm not gonna cry," he unged himself afterwards. He was only clinging to self control by a hairline.

"I won't cry!"

And with that, he broke down and wept.

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Rukawa found it strange, that there was one, lone envelope tucked inside the mailbox when he had set out for the usual supply of newspaper on the following morning.

Surprisingly enough, it was a letter addressed for him, but he was even more astonished to discover whom it was from. Akira Sendoh had sent him another letter again. Puzzled, Rukawa noticed two different postal stamps sticking on the envelope. That was when he finally figured that the letter was originally sent to his home in the United States and had only been mailed back to Japan by his relatives who received it there.

He took the letter inside, opened it and began to read the contents. It was only dated two weeks ago, he realized, back on that day when he first arrived in Kanagawa. Rukawa continued on, hoping to find some answers to the questions that were already lurking inside his head.

My dear Kaede,

Things were pretty much difficult without you. Pressure from my coach was more than enough to get everyone so awfully drained, especially now that we're getting closer and closer to the finals.

Well, today, as I was walking home, I had been thinking of you. Not that it's so unusual but the thought of not having you around still pained me. Yes, even after all these years.

I was walking by the train station during rush hour and I thought I saw you there, boarding the train. I tried to catch up on you but you were suddenly out of sight. I guess I just want to tell you how much I've been missing you lately.

Kaede, I won't give up on you. I know you'll come back just as you've said. What are three years, when you're finally back in my arms? You made a promise and I know that you'll be true to your words.

Love,

A.S.

Author's Note:

I finally uploaded! Whew, I really find this chapter very difficult to write. I had to change my mind about some things and would you believe that the manuscript for this chapter was shipped to the US for some unknown reason? That is why I had to rewrite everything and wasn't able to update for a long time. I kinda lost the inspiration for this one, I had to admit, because another senru story was materializing inside my head. But I couldn't bring myself to write another one when I still had something to finish! Ah, yes, I'm so miserable.

Anyway, thank you again for your time. I'll upload the final chapter sooner, hopefully before school starts. Corrections, comments and critiques are all welcome as always.