Watch out world. Not only has Cat been eating, but she is also gaining weight. Which is one of the main things she needs to do before they will let her out of hospital. All of which means, that the mighty force of nature that is young Cat is getting ever closer to being unleashed upon the world. She is a very happy girl at the moment, and that makes me very happy too.
And something that makes me even more happy, is that SJ has come off the ventilator and has woken up. She is still very tired but she has smiled and been rolling her eyes at her friends' fussing over her. It's looking like there aren't any serious side effects from being on the ventilator for so long. So a thousand thanks for everyone who sent their best wishes to my fighting girls. I have been doing quite a few little happy dances this week.
To Boo. Naomi has indeed been on Effy's boat before, but she didn't know it belonged to Effy. Emily only ever referred to it as 'a friend's boat'.
This one goes out to all those Katie lovers out there. KFF makes me happy too.
I don't own Skins, but right now I'm so happy I don't care….
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13. A Question Of Trust
Naomi
It has been a glorious week to say the least. Ever since I slept with Emily, my life has been fucking beautiful. Even Bob's accident turned out to be a sliver lining, as we have seriously upgraded in the boat stakes. The Catherine the Great fits much better with my fantasy image of my future career. Our first week's samples have been sent off to the lab for analysis by JJ, and being the efficient little fucker that he is, he's already begun sending us back data to feed into our model. Our video capture has been working like a dream, we've seen all kinds of wonderful species, and even encountered more turtles. Pandora is still here on a follow up surf course, so Thomas has been skipping round the place with all the enthusiasm of a spring lamb. And almost every day has ended up with Emily Fitch in my bed.
We seemed to have managed to skip the casual 'getting to know you' side of things, and leapt straight into Grand Passion. I spend all day thinking about her and by the time I get her in my arms again, I am so desperate to get her naked there never seems to be any time for 'shall we watch a dvd?' or 'fancy a trip to the pub?'. I'm sure those things will come, time to snuggle and be cosy, to have long, deep searching conversations, but we seem to be going about things backwards. From the outside it must just look like a lust-fuelled shagfest, something that would burn out with no companionship to sustain it. But those nights were something close to majesty. My scientist's brain struggled to understand what was happening to me. The way touching Emily made me feel. The things I saw in her eyes when I was inside her. Sex with Emily was a complex model. I was being fed data on a myriad of levels. Of course there was physical sensation, the girl had skills that could stimulate my nerve centres in ways that I had not yet experienced, but that alone could not explain the intensity of the pleasure I experienced when I was stimulating her. But there was also emotion, we had never talked about what we wanted, never had a conversation about being girlfriends or defining what we had. It didn't seem necessary. All those conversations were being had through touch, and they were far more intimate and deep than any nervous attempts at chatter. And there was escalation. Our first night was so sensational, I had worried that it would all slip into a disappointing decline from there, but the opposite was happening. The more I learned about her, the more I explored her body, the better it became. This feeling, this connection grew, and it was driving me towards a deeper and deeper passion.
The wave that was Emily had come to take me, but instead of floundering and letting myself get dragged under, I was riding it, letting its incredible power push me forward. Yes, it was still terrifying, but it was exhilarating too. I liked the woman I became round Emily. Now that she had let me take her as my own, the bumbling idiot that had been occupying my body when I first met her had fled, and in her place stood a sexually confident champion. Just knowing what I could do to her, what she would let me do to her, made me walk out into the world with a different step, and a different beat in my heart.
The days on the boat were magical. Effy was amazing. Despite her seemingly constant state of semi-intoxication, it didn't space her out like it did other people. In fact it seemed to make her come alive. She was incredibly knowledgeable about this part of the sea. She would take us on special detours to places she knew we could see marine life. We saw porpoises, dolphins and whales. She took us to a secluded bay where a solo dolphin had taken up residence. She had nicknamed him Freddie, cause every time she dived in the water he seemed fascinated by her presence and would swim and play with her until she came back to the boat. She was incredibly helpful, she began to look at my charts and current projections, pointing out changes that had happened in the last couple of years, and where currents were affected by seasonal variables. Bob hadn't given two shits about what we were doing as long as he had our money, but Effy was interested and engaged.
It almost made me forget the jealous funk I'd gotten myself into when I had watched them swim together. The way Effy was so chilled when Emily disappeared into her dive. Because she knew her. Because they had been close for years. Really close. Closer than the average best friends I would say. They seemed to have an unspoken language every bit as fluent as the one I was developing with Emily. They had a kinship, a deep sense of caring. I got the sense that to offend one, was to risk the wrath of the other. I was jealous of their easy and unsettlingly physical intimacy. I was jealous of all the memories they must have shared. All the things they had done out here on the ocean. I was jealous of how together they were, when they were in their element. I hadn't realised it until I had seen her in the water, but Effy and Emily were creatures of the same spirit, and I was worried that I couldn't compete with that. I knew that the nights when Emily had refused my company, she had done so to spend time with Effy. Effy had this fucking air of mystery about her, and when they were together it rubbed off on Emily too. My sweet openhearted girl took a step back, and a darker, more guarded Emily took to the fore.
I still had no idea what it was that Effy did. I asked her about it last evening, just as we were mooring.
"Import/export," she said, waving her hand vaguely. "Mostly import."
"What kind of stuff do you import?" I asked.
"It varies," she shrugged. "Demand informs supply."
"Don't go pestering Effy about boring business," said Emily, jumping onto the boat from where she had been waiting on the jetty. "Come here and give me a kiss."
Now that was a demand I definitely had to supply, but delicious as the subsequent kiss was, I couldn't fight the feeling that it was a distraction. That she didn't want me pushing things with Effy. Emily managed to distract me most efficiently for the rest of the night, but as I lay watching her beautiful form as she slept that night, my thoughts kept returning to her secretive friend. The only conclusion I could come to, was that Effy was a smuggler, and that Emily knew about it.
I knew that life was different out here, and that some aspects of the law were treated more as a guide than a set of absolute edicts, but I was still a little nervous that my entire project was now in the hands of a potential criminal, but what other choice did I have? And when Effy was being so kind to us, I felt a little unworthy for jumping to unproven conclusions, which were probably prompted by my jealousy of her relationship with my girlfriend.
I slept a fitful sleep that night, which was unusual these days, cause I usually just crashed out after all the shagging, but my 100mph brain had come back with a vengeance, and it had left me in a grumpy mood this morning. I was sitting at the kitchen table in the cottage, reading the local newspaper, whilst Emily was making coffee. My old self would have been slightly disturbed at how quickly she had settled in here, but Emily had exploded all my previous assumptions about the way the world worked, and I scarcely raised a murmur over the speed with which she was embedding herself into my life.
"Fuck's sake," I growled when a particular story caught my eye.
"What's up, hun?" said Emily, pushing my hair to one side and kissing the back of my neck.
Normally such erotic attentions would have made me forget what I was reading, but I was not only grumpy, but seriously incensed.
"They're opening another fucking pipeline in Pembrokeshire," I spat. "Isn't there enough fucking crap getting spat into the sea already?"
"It's only a transport pipeline, baby. Not a wastepipe," said Emily soothingly.
"Yeah, if you believe that," I grumbled. "Somebody should do something about it."
"If you feel that strongly about it, there's a protest going on tomorrow. You should go," suggested Emily.
"We should go," I urged her.
"I can't," shrugged Emily.
"I thought you surfers cared about the sea," I frowned, disturbed that her sense of moral outrage didn't match my own.
"I've got stuff to do," said Emily.
"What stuff?"
"I have to help Effy with something," she said breezily.
"What kind of something?" I pushed.
"Just stuff," she said unhelpfully. "Anyway, gotta run. Can't keep the customers waiting."
She gave me a quick kiss on the lips and was out of the door before I could question her any further. I felt an icy fist grab hold of my heart and start to squeeze. Emily was definitely hiding something.
I would have asked Effy about it when we were at sea that day, but for some reason she was even more impenetrable than usual. And I had the uneasy feeling that the reason was that Emily had warned her. I struggled for a way to calm my fears, but it's kinda hard to slip 'what the fuck are you doing with my girlfriend?' into the conversation, without exposing yourself as a jealous bitch. I had no doubt that whatever I said would get straight back to Emily, so in the end I chose to say nothing, and chided myself for my paranoia.
As soon as we got back in range of phone signal, my phone beeped with a text message from Emily saying that Freddie's band were playing in Cardiff, and Katie was driving and did we want to go? Thomas was all for it, immediately calling Panda to invite her, but Effy's face was a picture of derision.
"Drive all the way to Cardiff to listen to that fucksplash mewling like a sick kitten?" she sneered. "I'd rather cut my own ears off with a blunt knife."
Jesus, she really hated the poor guy.
"Are you going to be ok?" I asked her, worried that we were leaving her alone to get lost in a bender of epic proportions.
"It's worse if I have to watch her drooling over him," she said. "I'll be better off here. Quiet night in."
I was sure that Effy's definition of a quiet night in probably differed from most, but at least she wasn't planning to go mental. I might have seriously mixed up feelings about Effy, but I didn't want to see her hurt herself.
Katie and Emily were waiting for us in the harbour, as we would have to leave straight off to catch the gig. When I saw what Emily was wearing all my paranoid thoughts evaporated in an instant. She was in a clingy red velvet dress that pushed her tits together in a most appealing fashion. She looked so fucking gorgeous, she and Effy could have been serial killers and I would have forgiven them. My feet anchored themselves to the gangway as I drank in the feast of her with my eyes. Thomas had to literally push me off the boat to get me moving again.
"God, you look fucking amazing," I said, once I had kissed the living daylights out of her. "I look so fucking scruffy next to you."
"You look sexy," countered Emily. "All windswept and wild, and fresh from the ocean. If we didn't already have plans, I'd throw Effy off the boat so I could have my wicked way with you right now."
I liked it. I liked the idea of getting one up over Effy, and the image that it gave me made me forget about everything else. Emily loved me, and we were going to party and drink and dance and come back home to have rigorously athletic sex, and all was good with the world.
"Katie, come on," called Emily, as Panda returned from the shop with an ice cream. "We need to get going."
I turned to see Katie and Effy staring at each other silently. They looked like a pair of cats, sizing each other up over territory, and I couldn't for the life of me work out what was going on in their heads. All I could see was the challenge, as if both of them were daring the other one to speak.
"Break it up, ladies," sighed Emily, grabbing her sister's hand and leading her from the scene. I dawdled behind the group as we walked off, principally so I could ogle Emily's ass in the clingy dress, but I could feel Effy's eyes burning into us all the way down the jetty.
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Next afternoon the drizzling rain was starting to soak through the outer layers of my clothes, and I was about ready to commit mass homicide on the colourfully dressed samba band, who were destroying my already delicate state of health. My skull was pounding with every beat, and when the git with the beard had started blowing his fucking whistle, I was already forming a defence of justifiable homicide. The other protesters were dancing around and enjoying the music, but all I wanted was to kill, crush and destroy.
The gig had been brilliant fun last night, but I had gotten carried away. I had drunk like a fish trying to handle the ridiculous levels of lust that Emily was inspiring in me. Katie had pills and like an idiot I accepted one from her. She told me that they were really strong, and that I should go easy, but once again I had made the mistake of assuming that the countryside would only have rubbish drugs, and necked the whole thing in one go. I had a fucking amazing time on it, and it made me feel like a goddess, but it made me reckless and I seemed to believe that it was my personal mission to drink the bar dry. The post gig sex was also bedshakingly good. I must have been really drunk, but because of the drugs I wasn't feeling it, and though I say so myself, I was kind of proud of the way I'd made Emily scream for me that night.
But I was fucking feeling it now. Thomas and Pandora had made the same mistake as me, and were far from their usual bubbly selves. And all three of us spent most of the protest just wishing everybody would stop shouting, and wanting to murder the samba band. I felt suddenly powerless standing there outside the massive security gates of the refinery, surrounded by police and hippies. I began to wonder what the fuck we were doing there, cause nobody was going to listen to us. The company were probably laughing at the little group of greens dancing in the rain outside their gate. They probably thought we were fucking hilarious, cause we sure as hell weren't going to change anything. I was coming down hard, and I felt angry and frustrated.
It was evening by the time we got back. I felt like death, and all I wanted to do was collapse into the comfort of Emily's arms, and have her hold me until the aching went away. I tried calling her but there was no reply. I had Thomas drop me at her house, only to find the door answered by fucking Jenna almost gleefully telling me she was not in. I walked all the way to the pub with a growing hole in my heart. I wanted Emily. I needed her. This was another new sensation for me. I had never been so desperate for the company of any of my previous lovers. I always thought I could look after myself. But not now. I needed Emily to mend the hole in my heart. I needed her to fit against my painfully incomplete body. I needed her to bring the balance back into my shaky universe. I cast my eyes around as I walked into the bar, but no sign of Emily. And it hurt. It actually physically hurt. I spotted Cook and Jonno over by the pool table with a couple of other guys. When he spotted me, Cook put down his pint and swooped me up into a massive hug. I clung onto him for longer than I should have, but his arms and the genuine affection I felt in them were reassuring, and I didn't want to be lost again.
"Naomikins," he said enthusiastically. "About time someone brought a bit of glamour into our lives. How are you doing?"
"Not so great," I admitted. There was something about the boy that made me trust him. "I was looking for Emily. Have you seen her?"
"Of course you are," he grinned. "If Emily wanted to get in my pants, I'd be looking for her too."
"She's at sea," said Jonno. "Her and Effy are off on one of their jaunts."
Welcome back paranoia.
"What's that supposed to mean," I asked him a little too harshly.
"Nobody knows what they get up to when they go off like that," shrugged Jonno.
"But we'd all like to," smirked Cook.
"I like to think they're having loads and loads of lesbo sex under the stars on the roof of the boat," sighed Jonno, and I felt my fury rising.
"Except that Effy makes Emily wear leopard print and heels," laughed an unknown boy.
I punched him. I punched him hard and he went down. Red rage flooded through my body and I was about to start kicking him, when I felt Cook's strong arms wrap around my body and hold me back.
"Easy tiger," he said, laughing. "Give the boy a chance to apologise."
"Why the fuck should I apologise?" whined the boy. "She hit me."
"I could always let her go," offered Cook.
The boy mumbled a grudging 'sorry', and shuffled away, and I felt Cook's grip relaxing, but he still didn't release me completely.
"Are you ok?" he asked me. "What's got you so wound up?"
"What the fuck are they doing?" I asked, my tone laced half with anger, half with despair.
"Like I said, nobody really knows," replied Jonno. "Best not to ask really."
"What do you mean, best not to ask?" I challenged him.
"Well you know," said Jonno. "With Effy being a Stonem, and that…"
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I spat.
"That she's a very private person," interjected Cook. "And even if you did ask, you probably wouldn't get anything out of her."
My paranoia had made itself so comfortable in my skull, it had its feet up on the sofa and was demanding I make it tea. I got the distinct feeling that fucking Cook was protecting them as well. I shrugged myself out of his grasp. I was sick of stupid men, and their stupid riddles, and their stupid lesbian fantasies. If I wanted answers, I would have to go to someone who knew Emily inside out, and who wouldn't fucking bullshit me.
For the second time that night I found myself outside the Fitches house. Once again Jenna answered the door and raised her eyebrows in surprise.
"Emily's still not home," she informed me.
"I haven't come to see Emily," I said. "Is Katie in?"
"Oh," said Jenna. "I think she's in her room."
She stepped aside to let me in. I think in my bedraggled state she even felt a little bit sorry for me. I knocked on Katie's door, and entered when she called me in.
"Wrong room," she said sarcastically, looking up from her computer. "Lezzer central's across the hallway."
I couldn't hold all the emotion and exhaustion in any longer. I started to cry, and Katie's demeanour changed immediately. She got up and pulled me over to her bed, sitting me down and putting her arm around me.
"What is it?" she said, gently. "Has Emily upset you?"
"I don't know. I don't know," I said, collapsing into her embrace and shaking from the weariness and the sobs.
Katie waited patiently until I had managed to calm myself down a bit.
"I'm sorry if this is a stupid question," she said. "But how do you not know if somebody's upset you or not?"
"Because I don't know what they're doing," I exclaimed. "And nobody will tell me."
"So I'm guessing this is about Emily and Effy, right?"
I nodded.
"That's because nobody really knows," shrugged Katie. "Emily and Effy have their own stuff going on. All I know is that it's important to them. If you're serious about Emily, you shouldn't try to get between them."
"But why are they so fucking secretive? I just want to know what they are doing, then I'll be able to handle it."
"Best not to ask," said Katie, squeezing my knee.
"No!" I said, standing up in anger. "I'm fucking sick of this 'best not to ask' crap. I want to fucking ask. I need to fucking ask."
"Ask what?" said Katie calmly.
And so finally I asked the question that had been smouldering in my brain all week, but tonight had erupted into flames.
"Are they fucking?"
Katie's first reaction was to laugh, but when she saw the distress in my eyes, she leapt up from the bed, and pulled me into a loose embrace.
"No, no," she assured me, cupping my head in her hands. "They haven't. They've never… They wouldn't. She wouldn't do that. Effy wouldn't do that to me."
"Effy wouldn't do that to you?"
That was not quite the response I was expecting.
"She loves me," stated Katie. "She wouldn't fuck my sister."
"How do you know?"
Katie stopped her active comforting, and seemed to drift away for a moment into her own world. She drifted off and sat back down on the bed.
"Because she promised me," she said quietly.
I followed her over and sat down beside her. Despite my urgency to find my own answers, I was prepared for Katie to reveal hers in her own time. Katie's brown eyes delved into mine, as if she was deciding whether she could trust me.
"She promised me she would wait for me," said Katie.
Her voice was nearly in a whisper, and I got the feeling that this was information she had not revealed to anyone. She took a deep breath and continued.
"It was a year and a half ago, in Cardiff, at New Year's. We were all in this wicked club, and it was getting towards midnight. Everyone was getting fucking mental and we were having a brilliant time, but I'd noticed that Effy had fucked off somewhere. I know she's kind of a loner, but I didn't want her to be alone at midnight, so I went to look for her. She was standing on some balcony smoking a spliff, completely ignoring the anti-smoking rules. And she looked so fucking cool."
Katie laughed and smiled to herself, as she remembered the image.
"She always looks so fucking cool, eh? I asked her if she was coming back down cause it was nearly midnight, but she merely smirked and told me that institutionalised celebration was a farce. Normally I would have shrugged and left the moody bitch to it, but for some reason I didn't want to leave her. Maybe it was the drugs or something, I don't know. I tried again to convince her to come down and join us, telling her she would miss out on the midnight kisses. She looked at me, and then she looked right into me. Those bloody blue eyes of hers were cutting me open where I stood. She told me there was only one person she was interested in kissing, and it wasn't exactly rocket science to work out it was me.
She told me I should go and be with our friends. I knew she wanted me to stay, but she didn't want to stop me having my fun. I guess that's what sealed it, that she was thinking of me before herself. I stayed. I would let her have her midnight kiss. It was New Year's after all, I had an excuse, and what fucking harm would it do? I could feel my heartbeat accelerating with each number of the countdown that floated up from the chanting crowd downstairs. I was nervous, but I thought it would be fine, you know. Just a bit of fun. I didn't expect to feel stuff."
"What did you feel?" I asked Katie.
"I liked it," she said honestly. "The countdown got to zero, and I was the one to close the gap. I wished her a happy new year and then I pressed my lips against her. I was surprised at how soft she was. I was surprised at the pleasant buzz I felt at her touch. But most of all I was surprised at how I didn't want it to stop. I let it slip way way beyond the pretence of a New Year's kiss, and soon we were full on proper snogging, tongues and everything, and it was sexy as fuck. It was only when I felt her hips start pressing against me, pushing me back against the balcony rail, that I realised I was out of my depth. I freaked out and I pushed her off me, but not completely away. I told her I couldn't do it. I told her it was too much. I told her I wasn't ready, but instead of getting angry or upset like I expected her too, she was really gentle with me. She took my face in her hands and told me she would wait for me. It was a promise, and she's been good for her word. She used to fuck around loads, but ever since that day she hasn't been with anyone."
"And you trust her?" I questioned, my own trust issues making me cynical.
"You weren't there, Naomi. You didn't see her eyes. She promised me she would wait for me, and she's been waiting ever since. She loves me."
"But you don't love her?"
Katie seemed to ponder the question deeply.
"I think I do love her, in a way," she said. "It's hard not to feel something when somebody holds such a pure emotion for you. You'd think it would be creepy, but it's not. I stayed there the other night, on her boat and it was lovely. I slept next to her and I felt totally safe. The one thing I do know is that I can trust her."
"So you love her, but you don't fancy her?"
"Well that's the thing," said Katie sheepishly. "When I woke up, she was kissing my back and stroking me. I mean she didn't know she was doing it, she was asleep. Apparently she does it all the time, she dreams about me, and gets a little handsy."
"Who told you that?" I said, already knowing the answer.
Katie's eyes shot up to mine guiltily.
"There's nothing going on between them, I promise you," she said. "It's me that Effy dreams about. And when she was touching me, before I realised it was her, it felt amazing. I even…. you know…. got wet. But then I woke up properly, and I just freaked out."
"So your body was loving it till your brain kicked in, and then you just had this kneejerk reaction because it was a girl?" I said.
"Well would you ever sleep with a man?" asked Katie.
My face must have told a story, because she laughed and raised an eyebrow at me.
"Kneejerk reaction much," she said. "I'm not just talking about shagging some dickhead down the pub. What if there was a beautiful guy, who loved you and cared for you, and you felt things when he looked at you? Could you do it, just cause he deserved you?"
Her words made me think. I'd never been with a guy, so I didn't have much to go on, but could your attraction for a person, outweigh your natural sexuality?
"I don't know," I finally admitted. "If that would have happened with anyone, I think it would have been Thomas, but I kissed him once and I didn't feel anything."
"Then it's different," sighed Katie. "I do feel stuff. I was upset that night. Fed up with this stupid situation we are in. Every new guy that comes through here I somehow hope is gonna be the one to break us out of our obsessions. You must have been mad to pass Thomas up, because he's lush. He was in the pub being fucking enchanted by Pandora. Another chance gone tits up. So I ran out into the car park and there she was. Even though I was upset cause I was trying to get away from her, she was still there for me. She will always be there for me."
Katie laughed again. I reckoned I needed to take a leaf from her book, because she could still find the humour in her dilemmas instead of collapsing into them as I did with mine.
"There's this moment in Terminator Two," she smiled. "Where Sarah Connor is watching the Arnie Terminator playing with her kid, and she realises that the machine would be the best dad she could ever find for him, because it would never ever leave. It would never stop looking out for him, and taking care of him. It would never neglect him or hurt him, or do anything bad to him. And that's what Effy is. She will never stop loving me, she will never hurt me, she will never let me down. She is in fact the best lover I could ever find, because her love for me is just so fucking…. good. She would never ever fuck me over. She's like the fucking Terminator of love."
"Jesus, Katie. What are you fucking waiting for?" I said. "She sounds fucking wonderful. If I found a love like that, I think I'd grab at it with both hands."
"You really are a bit dense sometimes," laughed Katie. "Don't you realise that you already have?"
"What do you know?" I asked her eagerly.
"She's my twin. The whole telepathy thing? It works. She loves you. I can feel it in here," replied Katie, placing her hand on her chest. "Ever since you turned up, it's like she's been more alive. I can feel how happy she is, not to mention the fucking racket she makes when you're shagging her. Even my stupid mother can tell that you're special to Ems, which is why she's not putting up a fight. If Emily and Effy have stuff that they need to keep between them, then they have a good reason for it. Effy's always going to be part of her life. You have to learn to trust Emily. She's a good person."
"You're right," I sighed, my limbs heavy with exhaustion. "I guess I still can't quite believe I'm lucky enough to have her, and I'm scared she'll wake up one day and realise her mistake. And I'm terrified, I'm just fucking terrified, because I don't know how I could live if that happened. I love her so much, and I know it's only been such a short time, but I just knew, I just knew as soon as I saw her that she was going to own my heart."
"You look knackered," said Katie kindly. "You should stay here tonight. Go sleep in Emily's bed."
"You don't think she'd mind?" I asked.
"I think she'd be delighted to come home and find her blonde bombshell in her bed," laughed Katie.
"Her blonde bombshell?"
"I'm seriously violating twin rules here," smirked Katie. "But yeah, that's what she calls you. Of course, tell her any of this conversation, and I'll have to bitchslap you down."
I drifted off to sleep surrounded by Emily, by her things, by her scent, her essence. But it was Katie that I thought of as my brain slipped into unconsciousness. We had something in common. We both had to look beyond the unbreakable bond that was Emily and Effy. And we both had to stop being afraid.