Release date grows ever nearer for Cat, and she seems to be doing swimmingly. She has had all of her IVs removed now and I'm sure there is plenty of rebel walking and nurse terrorising going on. So I'd like to be greedy and steal some of your incredibly effective healing vibes for myself. This chapter has been incredibly difficult to write, not from any kind of writer's block, but because I currently have a leg injury which makes it impossibly painful to sit down. So this has been typed in fits and starts either lying on my side with one hand, or standing up, or having to get up every 2 minutes to move around. But you can't keep a good woman down, and here it is eventually.

And in a typical piece of annoying fuckery my internet dongle has just run out, and I have to save my money for the osteopath. So I'm off out in search of poachable wifi, so I can post this. Ha ha, it reminds me of the beginning when I would have to break into an abandoned railway station in Belgium in order to find the wifi to post IHAFICC. Always an adventure with Hypes.

Till next time, and hopefully with a functioning leg…

Your non Skins owning author xx

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15. An Exercise In Cool

Naomi

"So, are you actually going to let me make it to the pub this time," smirked Emily as we walked hand in hand through the village.

"Not if you keep looking at me like that, I'm not," I retorted.

"Hey, is it my fault that you find me irresistible?" she laughed.

"It is when you go out of your way to try and make me horny."

"It doesn't take much."

"Fair point," I conceded. "But all available evidence points to the fact that my own elevated levels of sexual desire are entirely matched by those of the other party."

"The other party?" mused Emily. "Who's she then?"

"Fuck you, Emily."

"Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" she said, flashing me her oh so convincing bedroom eyes.

"Yes I would. And I'd be more than happy to give you a repeat performance," I said, looking over to the alley by the old post office. But you were the one who said you were neglecting your friends, and that we should make the effort to go out with everyone."

"You're right as always, Professor Campbell," she grinned. "How did I manage to bag myself such a smart girl?"

"Well, as you know I am studying the marine life of the area," I said. "And you are by far the most fascinating specimen I've come across so far. Well worth an extended study, I'd say."

"Happy to help," she smiled. "All scientific investigation should be thorough."

"Oh I think it's safe to say I will be dedicating a fair bit of study time to this particular subject," I said happily.

There was no way of denying it. I was a smitten little kitten. Ever since I had stopped getting myself so worked up about Effy, things with Emily had been nothing short of paradise. I was slowly beginning to discover the woman behind the body I had thrown myself so shamelessly at. My brain and my heart seemed to be coming to some sort of an agreement. Even though I couldn't truly make myself believe in love at first sight, everything I learned about Emily only seemed to prove that my reckless heart had been right about her. Not only was she a phenomenal shag, but she was actually really good fun to be with. I loved all the light hearted banter that flew between us, and I loved the way she made me feel more confident. Not in the arrogant, defensive intellectual superiority kind of way I had sometimes been guilty of in the past, but in a far more genuine, open, trusting in myself and others kind of way. Like she was. You would never hear Emily put herself down, but she would never use her self-belief to put down others. Even after this short amount of time I could feel her influence, and I knew that she was good for me. I felt so much more relaxed out here in the depths of nowhere with all the eccentric characters that surrounded me. I didn't feel like I always had something to prove. You are always working with the stereotype that people are less tolerant and more small minded away from the cities, and maybe that's true of small towns with ambition. But way out here, nobody seemed to give a fuck who you were as long as you weren't an asshole, and even if you were they somehow didn't make that big a deal of it.

Maybe it was the calming influence of the water. The sea was everything here, surrounded by it on three sides as they were. Certainly my days out on Effy's boat immersed in the beauty of the ocean and some of the finest drugs known to humanity were seriously beginning to chill me out. I couldn't think of a finer way to spend my days, and I definitely couldn't find a finer way to spend my nights.

I had to admit, I was a little bit in awe of them both. Emily and Effy were heroes. Real, fucking bona fide action women heroes. They did the kinds of things that people like me only talk about. I was seventeen when I first heard of the Sea Ninjas. My Mum had been fishing about on Indymedia, and had called me over when she'd found a story about them. It was just when I was starting to get really interested in marine biology, and she was always one to encourage me. Right from the off, I had loved their sneaky sense of style. In that first story I read, they had simply snuck into harbour where a fleet of illegal whalers had berthed, and removed the propeller from every single one of them in one night. The ships couldn't report them, because their own activities were suspect, but the ninjas publicised it anyway which led to an investigation and confiscations and massive fines for the captains. I had been following them ever since as they had been involved in actions all over the world. It had always amazed me how they could be so global, and yet never get caught, but now I figured it wasn't one small group, but a non hierarchical network of independent cells. And I was bang slap in the middle of the South Wales version.

It took a lot of effort for me not to just burst with over-excitement and beg them to tell me all about it, but Emily had been very clear that it was off-limits, especially with their action being so recent. And to be fair a couple of mornings ago it became perfectly clear why. The three of us had been chilling, having breakfast on the back of the boat when two guys in uniform came wandering up the jetty. I nearly shit my pants when I saw them, but Emily and Effy just carried on munching away as if nothing was wrong. I started taking deep breaths to try and calm myself down, but it wasn't much use. My heart was hammering in my chest when they stopped at our boat, and started to cross the gang plank.

"Hello Effy, Hello Emily," said the older of the two in a thick local accent.

"Hey Doug," replied Effy nonchalantly.

"Hi Carl," said Emily, waving at the young lad behind him.

"And who's this lovely young lady?" smiled Doug in my direction.

"This is my girlfriend, Naomi," said Ems. "She's studying marine conservation."

"Oh there's clever for you," smiled Doug.

"I've been taking her out on the boat for a university project," said Effy. "Naomi, this is Doug and Carl from the Coastguard."

I was so focussed on trying to keep a grip on my fear that I lost my grip on my knife and it went clattering to the floor.

"You alright there, love?" said Doug.

Effy was on it like a shot, bending down to retrieve it making sure her arse was in plain view, so that both men's eyes immediately wandered straight over to her, and they forgot all about me.

"She's just a bit tired," winked Effy. "Emily's been keeping her up nights."

Carl blushed bright red, but Doug allowed himself a little filthy chuckle before remembering he was here on business.

"So have you been out on the water much, sweetheart?" said Doug.

"Quite a bit yeah, why?" said Effy.

"Well, I don't know if you've heard about this pipeline getting blown up," said Doug.

"Yeah, it was on the news," shrugged Emily casually.

"Well we just wanted to know if you'd seen anyone fishy lurking about," said Doug.

"Not really," replied Emily, sticking her bottom lip out in the most adorable fashion. If I hadn't been quaking in inner terror, it would have made me go all goofy. Fortunately, it seemed to be having a similar effect on Doug.

"Nope, no fishy lurking," added Effy. "Apart from the fish."

Carl burst out laughing in the way women generally do when they're trying to impress a guy by finding his jokes funny.

"Apart from the fish," he giggled, before realising everyone was staring at him, and he returned to hiding behind Doug and flashing nervous lovestruck glances at Effy.

"Oh well," shrugged Doug. "Bit of a serious business, so we've got to ask about a bit."

"Sorry we can't help you, boys," smouldered Effy, as Emily continued to look as innocent as a cute little cherub.

"Oh that's alright," smiled Doug. "You ladies have a lovely day now."

The Coastguard guys took their leave, and the two coolest chicks I had ever met, just went back to eating breakfast as if nothing had happened. I waited for some kind of explosion of emotion, but none was forthcoming. I couldn't stand it a moment longer.

"What the fuck, ladies?" I exclaimed.

The pair of them stopped eating and turned their eyes towards me.

"How the fuck do you do it?" I said.

"Do what?" asked Emily.

"How did you stay so fucking cool?" I shouted. "And not only that. The pair of you wrapped those guys round your little fingers."

"Oh we've known Doug and Carl for ages," shrugged Effy. "They're sweet."

"Yeah, but that was before…" I stammered.

"Before what?" said Emily, calmly reaching for more toast.

"You know…" I said in a stupidly theatrical whisper.

"Nope. I don't know anything," said Ems. "Do you know anything, Eff?"

"Not me," said Effy emotionlessly. "I know nothing at all."

"And neither do you," said Emily, looking me straight in the eye.

I got it. Suddenly this shit was serious. Both of them were looking at doing time if they were caught, and I was just a dorky idiot who was more likely to fuck things up for them as to be of any use to them. The less I knew, the better. I had to temper my girlish excitement and realise that I wasn't cut out to be the dashing hero type. They weren't going to let me into the gang. I went to pieces under pressure. The story was the same one that had been playing the rest of my life. I was never going to be one of the cool kids. Fortunately for me, I wasn't allowed to wallow in my disappointment, as Thomas came bounding cheerfully onto the boat. I hadn't expected that, seeing as he had just had to say goodbye to Pandora.

"Coffee?" Effy offered him.

"Oh yes," Thomas. "That would be most excellent on this most excellent of days."

"Someone's cheerful," laughed Emily.

"Pandora has agreed to be my girlfriend," he smiled wildly. "I will miss her, but Bristol isn't so far. I think we can be happy."

I jumped up and hugged him, all the tension of the morning forgotten in the wake of his good news. Finally he had found a girl who's generous nature matched his own. His mood was so bright even Effy was smiling.

"Today is indeed a most excellent of days," she said, raising her mug. "To love."

"To love," we shouted, clinking our mugs together with the only one amongst us who hadn't found it. I felt ashamed that I had ever doubted this quiet champion of a woman.

It was much later when my own champion let her guard down for the briefest of moments in the deep dark silence at the centre of the night. She was kissing me gently down from orgasm after a blisteringly beautiful and intimate lovemaking session. I could feel the gentle weight of her immaculate body pressing down on me, and her kisses were still holding me in the lure of our own special private Utopia. These were the moments that I lived for, and I gazed up adoringly into her perfect warm brown eyes. The emotion that I saw reflected in them made me feel like I was wrapped up in marshmallow and chocolate. I had never known it was possible to get this close to another person.

"You know I love you, right?" she said.

I did. I had just felt it in every tiny fraction of her touch. I nodded my assent, not quite yet capable of returning to words.

"You know that what you do is just as important, yeah?" she said softly. "Information is power. No warrior can function without the intelligence to back her up. You show us what needs to be done. We're in the same fight, and it's the only fight that matters."

No words could possibly have expressed the massive amount of love I had for her right then, so I just reached up and pulled her into another sensuous kiss, hoping my lips could speak to her where my vocal chords could not. Her smile when we finally broke apart was the best thing in the world.

"I fucking love you, Ems."

Yeah, so I said it anyway. I'm a cliché, but I'm a cliché that's bursting with love.

"Yeah baby, you and me," grinned Emily. "Saving the fucking planet."

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"I fucking love you, Ems," I repeated, just before we went to push through the doors of the pub.

"Yeah baby, you and me," she smiled, holding up her fist to bump. "STFP."

"STFP," I laughed, grazing her knuckles with my own.

I may not actually be a badass, but sometimes she let me feel like one.

The first person we came across was Effy. She was sitting up on one of the raised areas in the corner of the pub. I guessed from the languid nature of her movements that she was already drunk. And when we got close and I saw her glassy eyes, I figured that wasn't all. She had formed the shape of a gun with her hand and she was pretending to fire it off over the railing beside her down into the body of the pub. But instead of a bang, she was punctuating her shots with a strange little hissing noise.

"That's a weird gun sound," I told her as I sat down.

When she looked at me I got a little shiver, for not only were her eyes rimmed with heavy dark make up, they also radiated darkness from within.

"I'm not an amateur," she said with a wicked smile. "It's got a silencer."

She turned back round and took another shot.

"Right between the eyes," she said with satisfaction.

I half stood up to see who she was aiming at, and saw the genial figure of Freddie, laughing with the boys next to the pool table. I heard another of Effy's silenced bullet sounds and turned back to face her.

"Straight through the heart," she said smugly.

"Effy,' scolded Emily. "Leave him alone, he's harmless."

But Effy was not to be deterred, even as she turned back round to face us.

"You know, all it would take is one phone call, and… poof!" she said, mimicking a tiny explosion with her hands.

"Effy no," said Emily sternly. "You left that shit behind for a reason, yeah?"

There was a genuine air of tension between them and it completely unnerved me. I knew that Effy could dark and mysterious, but was she really capable of having people iced? Who the fuck was she, a spy, a gangster, a terrorist? Whatever it was, it was serious enough for Emily to pull out the secret weapon.

"What would Katie think?" she said.

Effy laughed, and immediately her face was flooded with the smile that only came out for Katie. In an instant, the darkness that had been shrouding her dissipated, and she was just a wasted girl in a country pub again.

"She'd want me to be good," said Effy.

"So?" insisted Emily.

"I'll be good," promised Effy.

Satisfied with her work, Emily headed down to the bar to get us drinks, leaving me sitting impatiently on the thousand and one questions I wanted to ask Effy, but never would. On her way back, Emily grabbed the lads, and brought them back up to join us. Cook, Thomas, Jonno, and even the hapless Freddie (unknowingly dicing with a sticky end) brought their beer and their enthusiasm to the table.

"Good evening, fine and beautiful ladies," grinned Cook. "Any of you having a heterosexual moment? No? Ah well, can't blame a boy for trying."

And the truth was that none of us did. The fact that I didn't immediately bite his head off was evidence of my new more laid back nature. Once you got beyond the crude remarks and the lewdness, he was really just like a cute puppy who wanted everybody to love him. At first I had been amazed that Effy had already shagged him, back in the day before she made her secret promise, but since getting to know them both, I could see that there was still a lingering trace of genuine affection between them. Which was definitely more than could be said for her and Freddie. His enthusiastic puppy had been repeatedly kicked by the dark angel, but still he came back for more. I watched him sneaking covert moody glances at her, and wondered how he could convince himself that he was in love with someone who held him in such contempt. But Effy had decided to reign herself in in the interests of group harmony, and a couple of pints down the line, we were all enjoying raucous banter just like any other group of mates.

We were just in the middle of listening to Emily telling a funny story about some daft boy from this week's surf school, when I saw Cook's eyes practically bug out on stalks.

"By all that is hot and heavenly, we must praise the fucking Lord, for surely he has sent us and angel," he said in a woefully bad imitation of a southern American accent.

"Sweet merciful heavens," sighed Jonno, as all the boys followed his gaze.

I had learned from personal experience that any time a new fit girl showed up in this pub, it was a major cause for celebration amongst the local boys, and our table became a full on droolfest right about then. Even the newly enamoured Thomas was staring. I imagined that until recently, Emily would have been happy to join them, and I was disappointed to discover on glancing over at her to gain some solidarity, that she was looking too. I decided to temper my huffiness until I'd seen what all the fuss was about, and was immediately compelled to forgive Emily as the sight of the girl gave me a little flutter. I had to admit she was stunning. Small and petite, yet athletic, with long blonde hair and a glorious smile that could probably bring world peace if inflicted upon warring leaders.

"She is…" muttered Freddie.

"She's totally…" added Jonno wistfully.

"I would not kick her out of bed," grinned Cook.

"Hell no," agreed Emily. "Um, if I wasn't taken," she added guiltily.

I squeezed her thigh in reassurance.

"She is kinda fit," I admitted.

After a further bout of collective admiration, Cook stood up purposefully.

"Excuse me lads and lasses," he said. "Enough with the looking, it's time for the Cookie monster to get himself a little action."

But before he could successfully extract himself from the group I saw his face fall in shock.

"Shit," he said. "She's coming over."

We all turned as one to see that the newcomer was indeed headed straight for our table.

"Hi there. How are you all doing?" she said in a bright American accent, putting her drink down on our table.

We responded with a bunch of nervous 'fines' and 'yeah good thanks', before Freddie managed to gather his wits.

"So are you here on holiday?" he asked her.

"Oh really? Small talk?" she scoffed cheekily. "I saw you all checking me out, and I thought I'd save you the bother of deciding which one of you was going to have a crack at me first."

Cook howled with laughter.

"Feisty," he said. "I like it. How about you and me go and discuss the matter privately?"

"You weren't the only one looking, Mister," the stranger laughed. "I think everyone should get a chance."

"Ha ha, why not?" beamed Cook. "The Cookie Monster can be generous, and let these lesser men have a shot. I accept the challenge. We'll all give you our killer lines and may the best man win."

With that the blonde grabbed a chair from the next table and sat down in our midst.

"Right," said Cook, seizing the moment. "I'm Cook. I'm fit. You're fit. I want it. You want it. We owe it to the gods of fitness to get together and make beautiful mayhem."

The blonde weighed up his attempt for a moment.

"Forthright and to the point," she said. "And you have to admire that. But with one fatal error."

"What's that?" said Cook.

"I don't want it," she grinned.

"She shoots, she scores," laughed Cook leaning back in his chair and clutching at his heart. "You're up Fredster."

"Hi, I'm Freddie," he said, with what was an obviously practiced adorably dishevelled grin, going for the underground hero approach. "I play lead guitar, and I sing in a band."

"Ooh, cliché much," grinned the American, faking a cringe. "Not every girl gets swept off her feet by the hipster muso approach."

I swear they must have been able to hear Effy's cruelly delighted laugh in Cardiff.

"Oh, well, um, right then," muttered Jonno nervously.

I almost felt sorry for the guy. I had been on the receiving end of his bumbling attempts at a pick up, and I didn't give him much of a chance with the amusingly hardassed newcomer.

"Um, I'm Jonno," he said. "And um, I think you're really gorgeous."

"You're sweet," she said, and I got the feeling that this put down was going to be dealt with more kindly than the others. "But everyone here seems to think I'm gorgeous, so you'd have to be a little bit more creative than that."

"Oh, right then," said Jonno, staring glumly into his pint.

"I'm Thomas, so pleased to meet you," said my best friend. He had been in this country for years now, but he could still pull off his faux-naïve Congo charm when it suited him. "I'm afraid I have a lovely girlfriend so this is only for the sport, but 'Maîtresse, embrasse-moi, baise-moi, serre-moi, Haleine contre haleine, échauffe-moi la vie, Mille et mille baisers donne-moi je te prie, Amour veut tout sans nombre, amour n'a point de loi.'"

"The fuck was that, Thommo you smooth bastard,' said an astonished Cook. "I'm fucking glad you've got a girlfriend."

"Nice touch," smiled our new friend. "But I'm afraid I don't fall into the category of American who is so easily swayed by the simple addition of a foreign language."

"So you don't fancy any of us?" moped Freddie.

"What's wrong with this picture?" smirked Cook, clearly enjoying this game too much to give up yet. "Four very different, but nevertheless fine specimens of manhood here, and she doesn't want any of us? I say we need to open up the playing field. Ladies…"

He opened up his arms gesturing to us.

"Show us what ya got."

I glanced over at the fabulous blonde. With her perfect hair and teeth and her feminine style of dress she didn't look like she played the ball from the leftfield. Probably had some hunk of a boyfriend back home and was just playing with the lads to amuse herself.

"I'm taken, Cook," said Emily, squeezing my hand to prove her point.

"Yeah, but I'm intrigued," answered Cook. "Come on, Emilio. Show us what sophisticated banter you used to win over Blondie here."

"Well I didn't exactly," grinned Emily cheekily. "I kissed her first, and then I asked her out."

"Well I can see how that would work," laughed the stranger.

Well fuck me and my jumping to stereotypical conclusions.

"Oh bloody hell," sulked Jonno.

"We're just going to have to face it man," howled Cook. "They're taking over the world. It's like 'Invasion of the Muff Monkeys'. Now that's a film I'd like to see."

"That's a film you'd like to be in, Cook," teased Emily. "One lone man and his weapon fighting to save the world from a vicious plague of lesbianism."

"Sometimes I really hate you, Emily," pouted Jonno, as Cook boisterously howled his approval of her scenario.

"Chin up, Jonno man," said Cook, punching him on the arm. "Emilio hasn't won yet. Let's see what our fabulous lady scientist can come up with."

I wasn't jealous of Emily's apparent success. I knew now that I could trust her, but I certainly didn't want her to have the last laugh.

"So, are you interested in the marine environment?" I asked the stranger.

"I'm very interested in the marine environment," replied the blonde.

Cook's laughter was pure filth.

"Nice one, Naomikins," he said. "Straight down to where it's salty and wet."

Emily snorted with laughter.

"I'm sorry to burst your bubble, Cook," she said. "But she is almost definitely actually asking about the sea."

"Well that's a chuffing boring pick up line," he smirked.

"Not so," countered the American girl. "It shows she's interested in my brains as well as my looks. I may be blonde, but I'm not a bimbo."

"Well, I make that a tie between our two luscious lezzers," said Cook. "Unless the high priestess of cool can snatch victory at the eleventh hour."

Effy said nothing, merely letting out a contemptuous breath and fixing him with a cold-eyed Stonem stare.

"Yeah, go on," goaded Freddie. "Stop being all superior and show us what you got."

She slowly turned to face him and I watched a furious dark fire erupt into life behind her eyes. Poor little clueless boy. He had just whipped out a bright red rag in front of her raging bull and he was about to get skewered. Effy downed the rest of her drink in one, and turned her hotness up to centre of the sun proportions. She waited until she had the blonde girl's full attention.

"I can get you any drug you want," she said calmly. "And I have a yacht."

"What's your name, beautiful?" asked the stranger, looking serious for the first time since this whole charade began.

"Effy," husked our dangerous brunette. "Effy Stonem."

"Well then, Effy Stonem. How about you and I get out of here?" said the blonde.

Every eye in the group turned towards Effy, waiting for her inevitable denial.

"Ok," said Effy.

Without a further word the two women got up and walked out of the pub together. A stunned silence hung over the table as we followed their progress in open-jawed surprise.

"Fuck me," said Cook eventually, fanning himself with a beer mat. "Looks like we have a lucky winner."

"What are we going to do?" I blurted out in a startled defence of my girlfriend's sister, before remembering that Katie's confessions had been for my ears only.

"Um, nothing," said a still gobsmacked Emily. "I'm always telling her she needs to move on. I just never expected that she actually, you know… would."

"Yeah, well maybe some other people round here should start following her example," said Cook, looking over at Freddie who was perfecting his kicked puppy look again.

"Think I need another pint,' said Emily, standing up. "My round, yeah?"

Jonno, Thommo, and Cook cheered her on, whilst Freddie and I remained lost in our reflections.

The poor boy looked fucking broken, but there wasn't much I could do for him. He had always been a lost cause as far as Effy was concerned. But I couldn't help but feel terrible for Katie. I knew despite her public indifference that this would fucking devastate her. I wanted to run after Effy and beg her to think again. I wanted to blurt out Katie's secrets and tell Effy to carry on waiting. I didn't want her to fuck things up when she was so fucking close to her prize. But then what if I was wrong? What if Katie was always going to be too scared to take a chance on the girl who loved her? She was the one who kept throwing herself at any half decent bloke she could to see if it broke the spell. What if she finally clicked with one of them and Effy was left alone? I sat there with a thousand contradictory thoughts whirling round in my head, paralysed between action and inaction like some nerdy modern day girl Hamlet. When Emily returned with the drinks, I threw myself gratefully into her arms.

"You ok, babe?" she asked me.

"I'm glad we didn't win," I told her.

"Oh I think we won," she smiled back at me. "I think we both won the day we met."

She drew me into a beautiful heartfelt kiss, and as the sweet sensations of her lips pushed thoughts of other people's dramas away from me, I found myself thanking the stars that, with the small exception of my girlfriend being a potentially wanted felon, my life was beautifully simple.