So today I would like to pass on SJ's thanks for all your positive vibes and healing energies. She said it's no wonder she got better with all your lovely thoughts. And thanks from me too, it's great to have her back.
And the marvellous CatAttack is out breathing fresh air and running round like a mad thing rediscovering the world anew. So I'm just going to go ahead and dedicate this chapter to her lovely girlfriend who had to cope with her nearly dying (a lot), but who had the strength and the love to stand by her through all her traumas. They are my real life OTP ship and I wish them joy.
For those of you who enjoy a sneaky Buffy reference, there's one in here.
I don't own Skins, but I'd probably tell it everything…
18. The Rapture Of The Deep
Emily
The deeper you dive, the bluer it gets. Water is not like air. Up there in the air our entire spectrum of visible light is free to bounce around as it pleases until it encounters an opaque material. Or a refractive one. You see, water absorbs light, but it doesn't do it all at once. It's why we see rainbows when the sunlight hits the rain. And it's why the quality of the light starts to change the deeper we descend into the ocean. It's the reds and the oranges that are the first to go, their longer wavelengths snatched away from the eye within the first six metres. Then it's the yellows, petering out at about fifty metres. Green and violet disappear just over a hundred meters down, and then there's nothing left but blue. Out in the deep ocean there's a fish that lives in the blue zone whose only predator comes from the even darker depths below. But evolution has come up with a cunning camoflage. The underbelly of this fish has developed to be the exact same shade of blue as the light that filters down to those deep depths. From above and from the sides the fish can be seen by its species mates and other creatures. But from below, where danger is most prevalent, it becomes invisible.
One day, I'd love to go down that deep to see that perfect blue. And deeper still, to where the light doesn't penetrate at all, but where the miracle of life still manages to manifest itself in the harshest of environments, and where the population are strange ghost like creatures whose only light is generated by their own bioluminescence. A truly alien environment where the only way humans can survive the pressure is to encase ourselves in bubbles of thick steel and glass.
Of course at the depths we are diving at now, we still have half our spectrum left, but the world that we are floating through is dominated by green and blue, a constant reminder that we are, quite literally, out of our depth. I love diving, and I'm not even trying to be conceited when I say I'm very good at it, but every time I come down here there's a little part of my heart that stays blue. I can't help but wonder what it must be like to be down here without being tanked up. Freediving can give you some of that experience, but it's fleeting. There is only so long you can manage without the burning need for air. In those drunken 'what would you want your superpower to be?' conversations, most people go for flying or superstrength, except Cook who wants x-ray vision so he can see women's bodies through their clothes. But I always want the ability to breathe underwater, so I could be down here without tanks and tubes and regulators and gas mixtures. So I could be down here and be free.
I feel a touch on my arm and turn to see Cat signalling to me asking if I'm ok. I signal back to say that I'm fine and attempt to focus. I've been getting distracted, and that's never a good thing on a dive. I exhale through my nose a couple of times to equalise the pressure in my mask and give myself a mental once over. We're just over twenty metres down, and I've never had any trouble with narcosis at this depth but you can never be too careful. Nitrogen narcosis is a result of a chemical imbalance when breathing under increased pressures. It can hit you without warning and it's like a belt of laughing gas. You can start to feel drunk or high even without realising it, losing focus and concentration and leaving yourself open to mistakes. The truth of the matter is, I am distracted. There's an awful lot of stuff spinning round in my head at the moment and it's leaking into the important parts of my brain even when I need them firing on all cylinders to operate properly down here. But Cat is a good buddy, and she checks in with me again just to make sure.
I still haven't given her my answer about the pipeline yet, and that's part of what is driving me to distraction, but she's being cool about it. We're doing dives together to set up the façade of our alibi of looking for her great granddaddy's boat, just in case my answer is yes. Today I have taken her to explore the wreck of a world war two German battleship that lost its way in a storm and perished on the rocks on a dark Welsh night. It's a fascinating dive to see real history preserved in this deep quiet resting place, but at the same time to witness how the environment has changed it, how undersea life has taken hold of the remains and claimed it as a new home. You can still see the guns, the galleys, iron chairs and tables, quite distinct in form but now covered with barnacles and sea plants, the once shining metal absorbed into the greenish blue hue of everything that surrounds it.
I've been here a few times, and there is always something new to discover, but today it cannot hold my attention. Part of the reason I love diving is that when I'm down here, I can forget about everything else and just live in the moment. Here, where every breath becomes a conscious decision, there is nothing but the ocean and your buddy and this tiny portion of time, with only the fish to share it with you. But today, surface issues keep intruding and making me lose my equilibrium, and it all comes back to the pipeline. And to Naomi.
She is the reason I can't give Cat an answer. Because I can't make up my mind. I don't think that choice is mine alone to make now. I feel that I need to include Naomi in the decision. I need to know what she thinks before I can commit myself. But to include her in the decision I have to tell her everything and that compromises her, and I don't want to put her at risk. I suppose the easy thing would just be to say no and to keep the status quo, but my conscience keeps picking at me. I know we have the chance to do something important, something that will make a real difference, and am I just being a coward if I choose to ignore it just so I can live my fairly tale life with my girlfriend? Naomi herself said that taking a stand was important, and that sometimes doing illegal stuff is what it takes. She was nothing but enthusiastic in her praise for the methods and actions of the Sea Ninjas. Am I being patronising in wanting to protect her? She is passionate about ocean conservation after all. Surely my willingness to see a future with her is partially based on her sharing my beliefs. But do I have the right to impose my lifestyle choices on her by telling her things she might not want to know?
These and a dozen other questions spin round and round in my brain, and I can feel myself start to get giddy. Jesus, maybe I'm getting narced after all. I spin myself round in the water looking for Cat and see her just a few metres away, floating behind a massive anti-aircraft gun and clearly imagining she's firing it. I swim over to her and point my thumb towards the surface, telling her that I want to get out of there. She checks again to see if I'm ok, and I rock my outstretched hand, telling her I'm not great but that it's not an emergency. She flashes me an ok signal to let me know she has understood, and we start to make our way back to the surface. I've never felt this weird under the water before, and to be honest it's freaking me out a little, but I know that the worst thing I can do is start to panic. This is not a place to lose it, and so I push everything that's been troubling me to the back of my mind and concentrate solely on the here and now and the task of making a controlled and rational ascent.
About halfway up, Cat makes me take a safety stop. It's probably not strictly necessary, but as I can't actually tell her what's wrong with me she's taking no chances, and giving our bodies the chance to readjust to the change in pressure in a leisurely fashion. Even at this higher depth our colourscape remains altered, but I can see shafts of sunlight streaming in from above. Sometimes the ascent is the most beautiful part of the dive, looking up towards the sun glancing off surface of the water and feeling the transition between worlds. Today is one of those days and I find myself holding Cat's hand as I catch the shadow of the hull of Effy's boat. We watch the mesmerising motion of the swell above us and the shifting patterns of the light, and I am as entranced as the night I overdid it on MDMA in a dodgy gay club in Swansea and watched a multi-pattern green laser for the best part of an hour. Eventually Cat decides I am good to go and we swim on upwards hand in hand.
I breach into the dazzling complexity of full spectrum light, spitting out my regulator and ripping off my mask as I take great gasps of regular air, blinking at the brightness of the sun.
.
.
.
"Morning sunshine," said Effy as my eyes flickered open.
"What? Is it? What?" I said in alarm.
"Is it what?" said Effy calmly.
"Morning?" I said, staring around wildly and realising I was lying on a sun lounger on the front deck of the Catherine the Great. "I don't remember it being night."
"Figure of speech," said Effy, frowning. "You've just been dozing for about ten minutes."
"Oh," I muttered, looking down at my body.
I was still wearing my fucking wetsuit for Christ's sake.
"You said you were knackered and just wanted a sit down," said Effy. "Next thing I knew, you were out. What happened down there?"
"I just started to space out," I told her. "I think I got narced."
"What? You? The Queen of the Deep?" she replied, raising an incredulous eyebrow. "I'm jealous."
Only Effy could be jealous of a potentially life-threatening intoxication, but then again she had made it her ambition to experience every high possible so no wonder she wanted to subject herself to 'the rapture of the deep'.
"It can happen to anyone," said Cat, appearing round the corner with mugs of tea. "Even in conditions you're completely familiar with."
"Luckily there are no lasting side effects," laughed Effy. "Unlike some of the other things we do. Remember that time we went to Waveform and you got so munted you couldn't walk, and I had to borrow a wheelbarrow off that guy who was selling tequila so I could get you back to the tent?"
"Yeah, well I don't think Cat needs to hear about that," I said in embarrassment."
"How are you feeling?" asked Cat.
"I'll be fine now," I said. "I've got tea."
"Ah yes, the English answer to all evils," she laughed.
Two cups of tea and an enormous sandwich made with half the contents of Effy's fridge later I was feeling much better. But as I watched my two friends chatting idly in the gorgeous evening sunlight, I knew that the problems that had followed me down into the deep were even more pertinent up here, and a return to land would only exacerbate them further. I couldn't take this simmering confusion for much longer. I had to sort my shit out.
"You wanna talk about it?" said Effy, sitting down beside me.
Sometimes having an extra perceptive best friend was a definite bonus. There would be no hiding from her.
"It's Naomi," I admitted.
"What's up?" asked Effy. "I thought you two were love's young dream."
"We are," I said. "I mean she's amazing, and I'm completely fucking in love with her, and I know she feels the same way about me."
"But?" prompted Effy.
I looked over at Cat, feeling comforted by her relaxed and confident presence. She looked completely at ease with who she was and what she was doing.
"Is your girlfriend a Ninja?" I asked her.
"No," she laughed. "But she can move like one."
"Huh?" I frowned.
"She's a dancer," explained Cat.
"Does she know you're here?" I said.
"Yes," she replied.
"And why?"
"Yes."
"And she's cool with that?"
"She loves me for who I am," replied Cat. "And being an activist is part of that. I'm also a dog lover, a softball player and I like ridiculous action movies. She just likes the whole package."
"I want to talk to Naomi about the pipeline," I said. "I just don't think I can honestly decide what to do without asking her what she thinks."
"So ask her," said Cat.
"Just like that?" I said. "But that would mean exposing her. Just asking her would mean admitting what we've done."
"She already knows exactly what we've done," said Effy.
"You don't have to give her all the details," suggested Cat. "That way you can limit the damage. My girlfriend knows what I do. She doesn't know exactly when or where or with who, and that way she can't give me away."
"But I want to," I admitted. "I want to tell her everything. I don't want us to have any fucking secrets anymore."
"Then I think you've got your answer there, Emily," said Cat. "You obviously feel that you can trust her, and that she deserves the truth."
"What would you do, Effy?" I said.
"I don't have a girlfriend," she said flatly.
"What would you tell Katie?" I asked, refusing to be stumped on a technicality.
"I'd tell her everything she wanted to know," she replied without hesitation.
You have to love that about Effy. She may be love's bitch, but at least she's man enough to admit it.
"Even though she can't keep her mouth shut?" I questioned. "Wouldn't you be worried she would let something slip in the wrong circumstances?"
"I said I'd tell her everything she wanted to know," said Effy. "Katie wouldn't want to know anything she couldn't handle."
"I guess what it comes down to is that every situation is different," said Cat. "And I think you should tell Naomi, because you think her opinion is important. Because you want to share everything about yourself with her. Because you respect her, and you want your relationship to function with that deep level of trust. We all trust our partners, it's just that trust shows itself to us in different ways."
"I don't have a partner," muttered Effy darkly.
"Oh really?" smirked Cat. "Then why does your not girlfriend look at me like she wants to rip my face off with her bare hands? Have you even told her that we're not sleeping together?"
"We haven't really chatted lately," mumbled Effy barely audibly.
"Don't tell me you're doing the whole trying to make her jealous thing," said Cat, her eyes shining with amusement. "That's school girl stuff, Effy. You are seriously whipped, girlfriend."
I had to laugh at the sight of the mighty Effy Stonem being called out on her obsession.
"Yeah well, I'm not the fucking only one," she glared at me.
"Guilty as charged," I admitted freely. "My beautiful blonde geek owns my heart, every bit as much as Katie owns yours."
"Wow," said Effy in genuine appreciation. "Then I guess you better tell her everything she wants to know."
"It's Naomi," I stated. "She's going to want to know everything."
"Then I guess you better tell her everything," said Effy.