This story is Waaaay to easy to write for. I've got so many ideas, it scares me a little. HOPE YOU LIKE IT. Please, someone hold a gun to my head so I'm forced to work on Cryonics. I don't like Dialogue.

NEGOTIATIONS GONE STERILE

The squad sat in the mess hall after a particularly difficult mission involving not just one, but DOZENS of ships hanging off of cliffs. The assignment was fraught with danger and terror.

"I swear to god Garrus, when I say go left, YOU GO LEFT. You don't go right, you don't stay still. Got it?"

"Shepard, I'm a Turian. What the hell does left even mean? I had to go by your girly screams of horror to figure out what to do."

"Damn it Vakarian, just make an L with your hands to figure out which way is left. How hard is THAT?"

Garrus held up his two hands, hoping to emphasize the fact that talons were a little different. While the two soldiers argued over this, No one seemed to notice Miranda and Tali sitting next to each other, a glum look on each others faces. Tali spoke first.

"Damn. I wish I didn't need sterility to be able to fuck."

Miranda sighed, speaking back to her.

"I wish guys didn't care that I'm sterile."

The silence surrounding them took hold, until both women raised their heads.

"Wait a minute…."

They turned to each other, eyes locked.

Garrus and Shepard were arguing about directions once more, when the sound of a mask depressurizing caught their attention. They turned, finding Miranda and Tali, arms wrapped around each other going at it like the other was made of chocolate.

"Tali what the hell! I thought what we had was special!"

She didn't respond. Instead, she whipped her middle finger out at Shepard while still kissing Miranda full on the mouth. Joker pulled out his phone, quickly snapping a picture.

"Pics say it did happen."

"Up yours, Joker!"

MISCALCULATIONS

"Sooo. Shepard…It's two hours until we hit the Omega 4 relay….Want to spend some time together?"

Tali's eyes gazed at him seductively, which caused her hips to stick out, causing the entire third deck of the Normandy to freeze in place. No man could resist a view like that.

"Oh Tali. I don't know a thing about engines! I'm sure you'll do fine without me."

With that, Shepard walked away, heading towards the elevator. He almost made it too, before Miranda pulled him aside. She carefully wrapped her arms around his neck while making a slight moaning sound.

"Ooo Shepard…My biotics are hurting my head a bit. Do you think I could get a massage to prepare me for the mission?"

He patted her softly on the shoulder, his voice full of sympathy.

"I know how that must feel. Zaeed! You know a thing or two about massages, right?"

The old merc nodded gruffly, far too busy stuffing his face with food. Him and Grunt were going at it to see who could eat an entire roasted Varren, then polish off a glass of Ryncol. So far the Krogan was in the lead, yet the alcohol was getting to the young brute.

"Battlemaster….I see….Elephants….What is going on, Battlemaster?"

Shepard laughed, patting Grunt on the back roughly.

"Oh don't worry. I'm sure that'll go away when you become a big boy. Now keep eating! You have to beat Zaeed."

He continued on to the elevator, close to rounding the corner until Kelly caught his arm.

"Shepard…I'm ready assist you in your quarters….:)"

Shepard stared at the floating happy face next to Kelly's head.

"How did you do that?"

"Do what?"

It disappeared in a blink. Shaking his head, Shepard realized that the mission was starting to get to him.

"It's ok Kelly. My fish all died anyways, so it'll be fine. Thanks though."

He walked away with a smile, while Kelly's expression displayed her utter confusion.

Shepard was mere feet from the safety of the elevator when something threw him against the cold metal wall.

"FUCK. ME."

Jack's eyes were intense on his skull, and it took him a second to regain the breath to speak to her.

"Didn't Cerberus already do that?"

….

"AAAHAHAHAHA. I'm HILARIOUS! Just kidding Jack. Bye!"

He entered the lift, and promptly pressed the button for cabin one.

Every female specialist was stunned. Shepard had shut down each and every one of them. Jack, who was far less picky than the rest of them, turned, hoping to find another suitable candidate. Joker and Kenneth were walking out of the bathroom, when they saw Jack's furious face approach them.

"I WANT YOU NOW."

Joker, realizing this would be the (sexy) death of him, pushed Kenneth in front, stepping back. The red-haired engineer gave a small cry of terror before being put into a headlock by Jack.

"No one here is man enough for me alone. I require TWO."

Again, she made her move towards Joker, who looked desperately for someone else to sacrifice. Grabbing Hadley, who was busy drinking a soda, he offered him up to the crazed woman.

"Take him! HE'S INNOCENT!"

She lunged for the crewman, her muscular arm moving rapidly towards Hadley. The private panicked, putting his hands in front of his head.

"NOT THE FACE. NOT THE FACE!"

Joker closed his eyes. Even without the visualization, it was a horrible sound. Eventually, he opened them, and the three people were gone. No one else seemed to notice. Everything was peaceful on the third deck.

Until the intercom went on. Shepard's voice sounded through the entire ship.

+Jacob. You are to report to my private quarters to discuss weaponry. Get your tight black ass up here+

Jacob, who was enjoying a nice glass of water froze. The glass fell to the ground, shattering. It was the only sound heard on the ship.

Everyone's mouth was hung open, staring at the ceiling. Finally, Garrus broke the silence.

"Miranda….Are you SURE everything about Shepard's personality is the same? Because I specifically remember him spending the night with Ashley on the first Normandy.

The Cerberus operative merely shut her eyes, muttering to herself.

"Goddammit Charlie Sheen."

That would be the last time she would agree to supervise the Illusive man's son while doing work. She knew the nut-job had done something.