Legends of the Fox-wife
Tale 18: Inappropriate Gifts
.o0o.
Summary: Very belated birthday fic for Kakashi to storm_light's prompt over at the kakanaru LJ for an inappropriate present. Semi-belated birthday fic for Naruto.
Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto, not making money off this.
Warnings: none
People normally gave Hatake Kakashi sane gifts. Reasonable gifts. Sensible gifts.
Gifts like kunai, extra explosive tags, giftcards to the armory, dog food. Sensible, plausible, safe gifts. Because Hatake Kakashi was a strange shinobi, to be sure, with a very unpredictable sense of humor and he looks friendly enough. But.
He was one of Konoha's Elite Jounin. He was known and feared across the entirety of the Elemental Countries. He can kill 98.7% of the people he meets, almost all before they even realize that they're dead. Most people therefore thought it wisest to be careful towards the man; in their gift choices to the anti-social man and in general.
So when Hatake Kakashi opened up his present from one Uzumaki Naruto, and everyone saw what it was, there was a collective flinch backwards. (Shikamaru had taken one look, muttered, "Troublesome," and kawarimi'd out leaving a roll cake in his place.)
Because.
Because.
"...I was stumped, y'know? So I asked around, and fuck but everyone's so boring, giving you boring-ass things, and I already gave you Mr. Ukki and porn..."
Half of the room gave out a collective blink. For one thing, his student gave Hatake Kakashi porn? For another, aperson? And aren't slaves outlawed in Konoha? Who was this Mr. Ukki anyways? Have you heard of him? No? (I didn't know that Uzumaki was that kinky. You twit, he's a student of Jiraiya-sama.) Wouldn't we have heard something if the Hatake was keeping a slave? Not if he was tied to the bed!
The rest of the room either knew what Naruto was talking about, or was still staring in horror at the white ball currently in the Copy Nin's grip. (Tsunade rolled her eyes and took her leave, making a sidetrip across the bar. Most of the alcohol at the bar took leave with her.)
"...and then I heard, y'know, you got the sharingan from the guy that was probably your best friend or something (and you really ought to hang out at the memorial less, you might get to places on time for once Kaka-sensei!) so I thought, 'Hey I can give him a sharingan!'..."
And... it kind of was. A large, rubber orb, with a painted on iris resembling the red marks of the activated Uchiha bloodline, resting in Sharingan no Kakashi's hand, which trembled, a bit.
The guests at the back of the room started slipping out the door. (Sakura closed her mouth with a snap and stormed out, dragging Yamato and Sai with her, muttering, "Help me ready a hospital bed.")
"...and it's rubber! You can squish it if you get stressed or something, they say. Try it, it's awesome! Come on! ThreeTwoONE GO!"
And the ball was suddenly squeezed in that fist which could hold lightning and smash through rocks. And on the orb, the red and black iris suddenly morphed then bulged out, all it's innards being pushed outwards and it looked like flesh-toned wormy brains—
There was a collective choking noise.
(Gai felt distinctly unyouthful and rather unbecomingly upset in the stomach. He excused himself.)
"Cool, yeah?"
There was a humongous pressure in the air, and the deep scent of fear from all those at ground zero, nearest to the Shinobi Who Knew A Thousand Jutsu.
Who squeezed the ball a couple more times...
Then shoved up his hitai-ate.
And they all broke, shushin-ing towards the exits, or at least moving at a fast and nearly careless looking walk. Such a pity too, the blond was a pretty good Hokage...
Naruto just stood there, beaming, watching as Kakashi's eye started spinning, as he squished the ball more. It'd been a pain in the ass getting the thing commissioned, and then patented so that Kakashi would have the only one, and then all the little bits working the way he'd wanted it to. He'd had to help out personally at one point, because while the teeny rubber people could be replicated fairly easily, if tediously, the guys attaching them all together were soooo uninspired! So Naruto got a couple bushin to connect all the teeny tiny rubber people's teeny tiny bits together in interesting ways and then handed the mass over to the artisan to stuff them all inside the eyeball.
He was pretty pleased with it, all told, 'cause if you look carefully while squishing it, it kinda looked like an orgy, in action.
Kakashi let out a giggle, flushed, captivated, and Naruto smirked.
And hey, if he could prank all the party-goers at the same time, all the better!
Another squish, another giggle, a low and husky murmur, "Ah, a pity that this could never be reproduced."
"Well I hold the patent, so I can get you another squishy-ball, Kakashi-sensei," he easily replied.
An absent hum, and more squishing, "Not... what I meant. Tell me, Naruto, how many Kage Bushin can you maintain at once? And keep stable?"
"Huh? But you were there when I trained with Yamato for the—" the squishy ball was suddenly shoved into his line of sight, and pulsed at him, twice, pointedly, "...but my control's gotten better since then, maybe. Uh. Twenty? Maybe. If. If I understand what you're planning on—"
"I'm pretty sure I can have four up,indefinitely, if they're active," the reinstated ANBU interrupted, "Eleven if you're... gentle."
And Naruto wheezed a little, at the mental images he just got hit by.
Kakashi smiled into the stillness. "Mou, I never did give you anything for our anniversary did I?" The silver-haired nin leaned in close, a long, lanky, sexy loom.
"I didn't either?" Naruto coughed, shook himself. Granted they have been, are still, hiding their relationship, so they didn't make much of the date.
"Then consider this a belated birthday present." Kakashi leered.
A handsign, and a poof.
A sudden beaming crowd of sexy subordinate; half of whom immediately kneeled and murmured, "Aa, such a big, empty room, Hokage-sama. Whatever shall we do with it?"
Naruto gulped, chakra releasing almost without conscious thought, bushin popping into place around him and, like him, staggering forward or down or against arms and bodies that caught him, "I don't think I have enough lube on me?" Clothes. There were too much. Clothes. Everywhere.
"There's plenty of frosting, Naruto," an amused, husky voice murmured into multiple ears.
Several moans escaped in response.
"He's alive?"
"Yeah."
"And the captain too?"
"Yeah."
"No shit?"
"Actually, I think they're passed out."
"Do we need to alert the hospital?"
"...probably not for the type of injuries they have."
"Damned Hyuuga, always have to be cool and obscure. Give the rest of us a straight answer for once in your life, come on!"
"...(incomprehensible)..."
"What was that? And hey why did you turn off your bloodline?"
"They're fine, they woke up again. And in answer to your other previous question: 'I doubt that our head medics would wish to heal their sex injuries'."
"Eeeeh?" "Wha?" "Gnnnrk!"
"...I didn't know it was possible for females to nosebleed."
end
AN: XD And the foxwife is their relationship. ::grins::
roll cake: also known as a log cake. Get it? ::SHOT::
shark horror ball: google this to know what I mean when I talk about the innards being squished outwards. ^_^
threeTwoONE GO!: Naruto's voice actress is an ABSOLUTE SPAZZ, if you have a chance go to Youtube and look up O-! Naruto Nippon! and her interviews of people from the voice cast. She talks at the speed of lightning and induces the crew to do Sexy no Jutsu voices and confess to their One True Love, and sings about her kitties who poos and are adorable. AND I DIE LAUGHING.