Chapter 1: How Nine Got the Alcohol (and What Happened to Rem & Machina)

Friday Afternoon – Before all Classes End –

"IT'S FRIDAY. FRIDAY. GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY."

"NINE—"

"EVERYBODY'S LOOKING FORWARD TO DA WEEEEKEND. WEEEEKEND."

"WHAT ARE YOU?"

"PARTYING PARTYING, YEAH."

"STUPID!"

"PARTYING, PARTYING—"

"NO!"

"YEAH. FUN FUN. FUN. FUN."

"WILL YOU STOP SUPPORTING REBECCA BLACK AND HER HORRIBLE SONG?"

Queen, as she stormed off, let out a scream of pure frustration, holding her delicate ears. What had gotten him to excited? It was a regular Friday night. Whatever, she had a report to finish early. If she wanted to beat Ace for the valedictorian spot, she would have to get a perfect score. She retreated into the library, not realizing Nine had a smirk on his face as she departed.

"He was singing that horrible song?"

Kurasame stared at Queen, who had spoken up and finally snapped back into character. She had used her cape to hide her neck and avoided her instructor's gaze by staring at the floor.

"Yes, sir." She fidgeted before shyly glancing at the spear-wielder, with whom she shared an intimate moment with earlier. "I believe this part's yours."

Friday Afternoon – After Queen Left –

She hadn't realized what his intentions were this particular Friday night.

Nine watched her disappear down the hall. And when she was completely out of sight, he turned to see a certain sky pirate. This suave pirate, a former noble, had access to what Nine needed; and being a family friend, this pirate owed Nine a few favors. This was one of the times he would call him up for it.

"Say, Balthier, why is the rum always gone?" Nine suddenly asked, his smirk still in tact.

"By the gods, Nine, it's Ashelia." The sky pirate scowled at the name. "She doesn't look like it, but she can drink her bloody weight. She's always drinking my stash. Better her than Vaan though. There's no telling what he'd do."

"Did you bring anything at least?"

"Already smuggled and waiting in your room."

"Thanks."

"I believe this is the last of the favors." The auburn-haired sky pirate then looked around upon hearing footsteps. It was his cue to leave. With a small gesture, Balthier vanished. He wouldn't get caught. His partner Fran was looking out for him. Besides, everyone except Class Zero was still in lecture.

Nine rubbed his hands together. Tonight was going to be a fun night.

"You called in a favor from a notorious sky pirate?" The rest of Class Zero asked incredulously.

Nine nodded.

"A sky pirate by the name of Balthier Bunansa." Kurasame reaffirmed. "And how praytell did you manage to get a hold of him?"

"Secret." Nine snickered.

"Of course, because the entire continent of Orience is after him, including the Arcadian and Rozzarian Empires AND the Kingdom of Dalmasca from the Continent of Ivalice in the Far West." Eight mumbled cynically.

Kurasame called his Tonberry up to his desk, where Class Zero could see them. "Could you please explain why he owes you favors?"

Nine gulped as he felt everyone's stares. Fear coursed through his veins as he watched the Tonberry lift its dangerous knife. "BECAUSE I HAD A JAR OF DIRT. HE WAS FLEEING FROM THE SKY PIRATES' EQUIVALENT OF DAVY JONES. I WAS ELEVEN AT THE TIME, OKAY. PIRATES ARE COOLER THAN NINJAS."

…

"OH. EM. GEE." It was Cinque, who spoke up. "YOU DID NOT JUST SAY PIRATES WERE COOLER THAN NINJAS."

"Pirates, dammit." King mumbled without breaking his drunken emo image. Everyone made a note to never give King any alcohol ever again.

"Ninjas!" cried Jack and Eight.

"You're biased." Queen retorted. "You and Eight are the closest things we have to ninjas!"

"What about you, Class President? Are you a little biased too?" Sice hiccupped. "After all, you had a taste of Nine."

No one even dared to make that joke when they were on the way to see Kurasame.

The Class President said nothing and covered her flaring cheeks. (Everyone thanked all the fal'Cie for the alcohol still present in her system. Otherwise, someone was going to die.)

"Sice, I liked it better when you didn't talk much." Nine commented.

There were some things that he did NOT need to know about his students – like their sex lives for that matter. Kurasame fought the urge to facepalm and the decision to just let loose his Tonberry on them. Summoning all his will power to prevent him from doing just that, he cleared his throat. "Back to the subject…"

Crazy kids.

Speaking of these crazy kids, Kurasame just realized they were missing the transfer students.

"Where are Rem and Machina?"

"Ohhhhhhhhh," replied a chorus of voices. "Right about that, they're…"

And right on cue, the said transfer students could be heard running through the halls outside their classroom.

"REM! HOLY FAL'CIE. PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON."

"BUT MACHINAAAAAAAA, NINE SAID YOU COULD MAKE ME FEEL GOOD."

"REM. THIS IS TOO FAST."

"Oooh, I betcha like it fast!"

"NINE, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU TELL-?"

"WHY ARE YOU CALLING FOR NINE WHEN I'M HERE AND READY FOR YOU?"

Too much information. TMI. TMI. TMI, Kurasame's mind screamed. He did not need to know about his students' sex lives. The instructor glanced at his faithful pet, who nodded and hopped off the desk, proceeding in silence to the hallway outside. The couple outside then ceased their dialogue, which was then replaced with two blood-hurdling screams.

"Back to what I was saying, what happened next?"

If you didn't realize, this fic is just full of pure crack, silly jokes & lots of references and written mainly for amusement. Nothing is to be taken seriously. Italics are "the flashbacks" written in third person POV to make it easier for you readers; I'll always specify what time the flashbacks take place.

I am having so much fun writing this. I was going to update this NEXT Friday, but I loved you guys so much.

And I did say that I didn't own anything right?